From the email I’ve received, it sounds like I may have hit a raw nerve in some places.
I’m also rather touched by the comments that express sorrow for me.
I certainly hope that the post on the wives didn’t come across as a whine… I sure didn’t mean it that way. I’m just angered at Dina McGreevey and Lovey making this situation about them. There never seems to be any consideration of any kind for the true victim…the gay husband…other than to label him as the bad guy.
Even my commenter Robert Phillips alludes to this in saying “You made a decision that not only affected you but her. Yes you told her early on, but you shouldn't have given into peer pressure and married in the first place.”
But, Robert, keep in mind these thoughts:
I was 23-years-old when I got married. I had very little worldly experience. Hindsight is always 20/20. If I knew then, all that I know now, I wouldn’t be keeping this blog and I certainly wouldn’t still be mourning the loss of a long-term marriage.
Back circa 1980, I had been advised by my pastor that all men have same sex attractions at various points in their lives. All I had to do was to experience the love of a good woman and have a hot session or two between the sheets and it would serve as the master reset button and set me on my way to being a happy hetero.
I believed him.
I mean, I knew I was different, but I was told I could change. I desperately wanted to change.
I didn’t set out to mess up Lovey’s life. I dare say that most gay men who marry women don't have such motives. The gayness is about the gay spouse....not the straight one!
My one point is, why does the wife have to take on the responsibility and turn this into something about her…..her needs…..her experiences……her closet…her feelings…her hurt. Why is the husband generally the bad-guy? Why can’t he be given a benefit of the doubt and his struggles be validated? Or give credit for his extensive time in the closet?
I had no agenda when I got married. I didn’t want to deceive anyone. I did not want to hurt Lovey. I certainly didn’t marry her to hide anything. I married Lovey because I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I wanted her to be the mother of my children. I wanted to shelter her and take care of her until we parted through death. Isn't this the reason anyone gets married?
To my commenter Cymber, after all that I have been through there is a great temptation to tar all women with the same brush. But just as there are bad gay husbands who go out and screw anything that walks unsafely and then comes home and has relations with their wife unsafely, exposing some to STDs or HIV, there bad ex-wives. On the flip side, there are some good guys out there, like me, who are just trying to deal with things…..and there are patient ladies who also are trying to deal with things in a quiet, patient and loving way.
I only wish I had had a wife like that.
3 comments:
Frank:
Hopefully in a year or two you can read these blog entries and like some of the ones from a year or two back see a lot of growth and a somewhat different perspective.
You asked “Why is it that the straight one is the victim and the gay one the bad guy?” Notice I changed from your gay husband and straight wife since there are a lot of lesbians married to straight husbands out there also and they experience much the same – maybe a little less. I think you know the answer: it is society’s assumption about marriage roles and rules plus some gender role assumptions.
First of all our society is homophobic. Partially this was created because mortality rates were such that if as many people as possible did not reproduce in the context of a nurturing relationship the human race would not have survived. The latter has changed but society has not. Many people were taught that homosexual activity is a religious abomination and civilly criminal. Courts can prevent the enforcement of certain laws, as they did in this case, they can not change the minds of people (especially politically and religiously conservative people) who were taught that certain activities are criminal and only performed by mentally ill people. So of course a psychotic criminal is going to be a bad guy. A good gay guy (if that is possible in their view) is someone who may be tempted by other guys but never actually does anything about it (ala pronouncements from the current Pope). To the ultra conservative religious person, if you have a problem, you either have not prayed hard enough or you do not have enough faith – this is one of the reasons for the extraordinary suicide rates among gay teens from conservative religious backgrounds.
Then we get to the assumptions about marriage. Again these were formed in former times but conservative society has been slow to embrace the new reality. It was assumed that the husband was the partner with the insatiable sex drive, and the need for an heir. Thus the role of a wife was to be a baby factory. Child bearing was very risky for the wife, so to compensate for her risk and putting up with her husband’s “animal lust”, she was to be provided life long security, and ideally honor in the form of sexual fidelity.
Let’s face it; if these are the rules of the game, then you broke them. That these rules are ridiculous and do not match the reality of modern life or of how those of us who have had to face the reality of homosexuality, understand it, makes little difference to those who hold these rules to be the ideal. To those people indeed you are the bad guy and then by logical extension the straight wife who appears to have kept to the rules is the victim. To the socially conservative person, there is absolute right and wrong, there is no room for wishy washy shades of gray and situational ethics (even though that is precisely the concept introduced by Jesus in the New Testament – but that’s another tirade), close does not count – “it is not a game of horse shoes”.
Unfortunately there is little if anything that you can do to change the minds of those that hold these rules to be the ideal. Some may come around to forgive you at some time in the future. All you can do is to know that you did as well as you knew how, and that the One that you need knows the real you, and introduced situational ethics (see above).
Another point to keep in mind is that for some reason Lovey needed for her own reasons to marry you, a gay man. What in her caused her to choose a gay man rather than a straight one neither she nor you are likely ever to know, but there was something, and so she needs to bare the responsibility for her own choice.
As to the charge of lies, presumably with respect to the feelings that the gay spouse has for their straight spouse, our mating language is woefully ambiguous. Additionally, most of us from conservative religious backgrounds are profoundly ignorant in sexual matters. When we say “I love you”, which of the 23 meanings/connotations, or combinations there of, listed in my dictionary do we really mean and to what depth? I truly desire only the best for my wife, and that is love, even if I can well imagine me being extraordinarily happy being physically intimate with the right man.
In the mean time make your life among people who hold to more realistic social rules. Those conservative folks are now the heathen, as you are emotionally able you may wish to witness to them that a homosexual person can be sane and a good guy. But like with other missionary work among the heathen, don’t expect a fast or high conversion rate.
Rick
Frank,
Again, I feel for you and your situation. Lovey has certainly not done us women in mixed-oriented marriages any favors. However, I still feel that you are taking a few extreme cases and judging based on their example.
I would bet that, as opposed to your situation, most women married to gay men did not know they were gay when they married them. So when they find out, it is like a bomb being dropped on their lives. Is it all about them? No. But you have to admit that they are affected. And they go through their own grieving periods.
From what I have seen, in the majority of these cases, there is no bad guy and there is no good guy. There are just two people who BOTH deserve every consideration, benefit of the doubt, and validation for their struggles.
Is it all about the wives? No. But neither is it all about the husbands.
Frank, this is such a trying time for you. I certainly can feel how raw your emotions are right now.
Stay strong and know that it isn't your fault. You told your wife about your gay feelings and she chose to stay married to you. I'm not saying she can't be angry, I'm just saying that she shouldn't take this anger out on you.
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