I survived the dinner last night.
It was colossally stressful….and in the end I am left to wonder why I expended so much time and energy to have it all happen.
I guess as the patriarch of the family….the broken family as we used to call families of divorce back when I was a kid…..I suppose that I am still trying to fix things. I want to see all members of my family get along. I want to heal hurts. I want to take away any pain that anyone feels. Most of all, I don’t want to be the one that engenders the pain.
I loathe controversy or arguments or discomfort and the like.
So, my attempts to build a bridge between Lovey and her son failed.
Miserably.
She’s certainly not going to change.
He’s just as stubborn.
So there they sat on the deck at her mother’s home – Lovey pontificating – the grandmother and aunt spellbound by each word emanating from the mouth of Lovey -- the marine looking on incredulously, periodically rolling his eyes and shaking his head. Lovey oblivious to anyone but herself. And, there was I -- looking on – taking it all in…..
Did I really spend 25.5 years with this woman?
This was why I was so depressed for so long?
I actually mourned the anniversary of the divorce two weeks ago?
What was I thinking?
1 comment:
Frank, if you are like me, you really miss the dream of what you wish your marriage had been - not what you really had. I don't want my ex back, and I'm reminded of this when I have to be with him at one of the kid's events.
And then still, I'm so sad some days to no longer be a married person, and am scared of being alone of the rest of my life.
The truth - I was alone even when I was with him.
Hopefully for both of us, as time passes, we'll create new dreams and let the old ones go.
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