Awaken Insecurity

June 9, 2005 was not the first time that Lovey said she wanted a divorce. Actually she told me that she wanted a divorce on October 31, 2003.

That morning had started like every other one. We woke up...got ready for work and Lovey decided to fix me breakfast -- something she rarely did. Just when I was completing my last bite, that's when she told me. She told me that she wanted a divorce and that I had basically made her life hell.

It came from left field.

I didn't see it coming. I didn't know that she had felt so badly about being married to me. But obviously she did.

I didn't take it well. I fell apart. The depth of emotions I felt that day cannot be described. It felt that my world had fallen apart. Life as I had known it vanished. I felt as though I had been kicked in the gut by a sledgehammer.

I wandered to the office literally lost in a fog. I couldn't do my job.

I now understand the concept of a mental breakdown. I acted out and did things that I can't believe I did. I wound up suspended without pay for 3 days. (They could have fired me.)

I was a mess. I had no appetite. I lost weight. I didn't sleep for days.

I cried.

Never have I experienced something like this. Divorce had never been in my life plan.

I thought I had been honest about my feelings...I thought that is what I was supposed to be. I couldn't lie to my life partner. After I all, I thought that is what husbands and wives did: expose weaknesses, discuss vulnerabilities, actually be oneself.

I was wrong...at least in this marriage. I soon found that everything I had experienced....everything that I had dealt with....everything gay....was now up for discussion...with her colleagues.....with her family....with our pastor. Suddenly I was naked for all the world to see.

I grew paranoid. I wondered who knew what....and I started clamming up. I could feel the coldness beginning to freeze me at my core.

And then, a delay. Her father became quite ill. In the midst of it, she said: "I was wrong. I can live with you forever. I don't want to divorce you."

I didn't believe her.

Eight long months dragged on. Father O'Lovey died. We made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Happy New Year 2005. I turned 47. She turned 50. There was a big party. Family group pictures were taken. There we were...all five of us: Lovey, Daughter #1, Daughter #2, My Son the Marine, and Me, smiling cheerily. Then, almost 2 weeks later...BOOM! Here we go again.