Going through the breakup of a long-term marriage isn’t fun. Coupled with the fact that I am still struggling to accept the fact of my gayness in a predominantly straight world has set me up for a whole host of issues.
The worst of my issues appear to be that of insecurity.
I despise change. I like things to remain constant. I like things nice and easy and preferably slow.
But…
Lovey’s pronouncement of divorce from 2003 haunted me. I lost all trust in her as a wife. I found that I had to rely on myself in ways that I had never imagined.
She wasn’t there for me then as I hurtled through the fringes of complete breakdown. However, this shouldn’t have been a surprise to me. After all, when we were first married in 1981, she clearly stated that her ministry would always be first.
Silly me thought that I might be first occasionally or even when we had children, perhaps they would even come in first occasionally.
I was wrong.
The ministry was always first. I just learned to live with it. The kids and I learned to work around it. We’d go to the movies or to the playground. We’d go on vacations. I got to spend much bonding time with all three of my children. I attended the 8 significant funerals that occurred in my family during my marriage alone. Then there were the host of reunions and other family gatherings that I attended alone. In 24 years of marriage, some of my relatives have never met my wife and at this point, probably never will.
Lovey worked on sermons, put herself through seminary, achieved her Master of Divinity degree, pastored or co-pastored several churches, switched denominations, quit a high paying legal secretarial job and took an $11,000 pay cut to go to work for the seminary.
I made no demands. I set no standards. I defended her decisions to her family, to my family.
Still, I was her husband and she was significant to me. And I was gay…
Now that our marriage is in its final death throes, I find myself so insecure…even in my other stable relationships. I figure that if my wife left me after 24 years, then what’s to keep my other significant relationships from leaving me too.
I’m damaged goods. I’m a failure as a husband.
Oh, many of my relatives have said, “You’re not a failure! You’ve been a great father and a great husband!” In my mind, while nice to hear from these individuals, the wife of “the great husband” obviously begs to differ.
So, here I sit. Trying to become a little more secure in my life and in my relationships – but it’s difficult. Once you’ve had your foundations knocked out from under you, it’s a little hard to trust any foundation going forward.
3 comments:
Frank, I have come to understand some of why men (or women) have affairs and then leave their spouses. They have some where, something to go to. I can relatie to what you are saying because I have nothing and no one to go to. It is facing the darkness, and that is terrifying. But that is the only way to do this with intergrity, honesty, and truthfulness. I understand your fear, insecurity, etc. I am there too, in many ways.
Hang in. I believe that living the truth is the healthiest thing for ourselves, and our families.
Cheers, Joe.
Thanks Joe for the note. It's good to know that I'm not just rambling in cyberspace...but that in some way I am making a connection. Keep reading.
Frank
First of all know that even though I do not respond daily, I do read daily. I look forward to your posts as they are a report from someone who is further up the mountain than I; and I know I also must find my path up this same mountain.
Your sense of insecurity is valid for you. “Lovey”, who you trusted, has rejected you; your trust has been betrayed. You can forgive her, and probably must in order to move on, but you will not forget (until senility kicks in). You’re failure as “Lovey’s” husband is in the fact that you failed to live up to her homophobic expectations, that is to cover up your true self, and feelings.
It is very common for us to “despise change, to like things to remain constant, to like things nice and easy and preferably slow.”
But that is not the way life is, God made life an adventure, the Buda recognized this and recognized that our wanting to resist change is the root of life’s sufferings. His answer is to let go of the resistance, enjoy the moment as it is, glean the joy of current relationships as they exist now, not fearing their future direction. Jesus of course said the same thing about having no care about tomorrow, but trust in God your father to provide what you need. Our security ultimately comes in knowing that life is in the next breath, and that the benevolent devine embraces us just as we are, and that those who truly know him do also. As the apostle Paul proclaimed “nothing can separate us from the Love of God in Christ Jesus”.
Enjoy taking your next breath, feel the spirit of life enter you as it first did to Adam, find your security in that joy.
Rick.
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