Friday, April 07, 2006

The Unthinkable


In early 1997, I discovered chat rooms on the Internet. Generally, I used them to meet other men like myself to help me become more comfortable with being a married gay man.

One day online I met a 40-something year old man by the name of Cole. It turned out that Cole and I had much in common. He had been married over 15 years. I had been married for over 15 years. He had 3 kids. I had 3 kids. He was active in his church. I was active in my church. He served as praise and worship leader at his church. I did the same.

The main difference in us was the fact that he lived in Texas – over 900 miles from where I lived!

He and I spoke daily via the Internet chat room. Then we progressed to telephone calls and e-mail. Pretty soon, he and I lived for those communications. Yes, I was developing a crush.

He was too.

About that time, my office had to send me to do some work out of town – to Texas! I couldn’t wait to tell Cole. Where I was being sent was only about 2 hours from him. He was thrilled and said that he would drive the 3 hours to meet me.

So we met. It was as if we had known each other forever. He was quite familiar with the city we were in. He took me to lunch. He showed me the gay areas. He told me the story of his life. How he had gone through the “ex-gay” route and how miserable he had become. How he had been suicidal and depressed. Finally, he said, he had just accepted himself.

The day ended and we felt closer than ever before. My crush had deepened and his appeared to do the same thing.

I was amazed at how I was feeling.

Flying home the next day I was quite elated. I had never been told by another man that he loved me. That he wanted to be with me. And…I had never had feelings like what I was experiencing with him.

I came home on Saturday. On Monday, I got to my office to find an e-mail from Cole. He said that he really enjoyed our time together and that he cared for me. However, on his way home from our meeting, God had told him that I would wreck him spiritually and that I, would send him to Hell for all eternity!

Well, gee, I didn’t think I was all that powerful!

The bottom line to all this is that he no longer wanted a romance. As time progressed, he ultimately ran into a hot little gym bunny and was prepared to move away with him. Then he got his wife pregnant. She had a miscarriage. He then went back to the ex gay route. He started counseling. The counselor fell in love with him. He moved to another city….and we ultimately lost touch.

I was heartbroken…

But I still had Dan.

Dan and I had still been seeing each other occasionally. I could never bring myself to let him know of my deepening emotional feelings for him based on our earlier agreement.

However, the Tuesday following my email from Cole, I called Dan’s office to see if he could have lunch with me. I needed to vent about Cole. I needed Dan’s friendship. I needed some comfort.

Dan’s secretary, Michelle answered the phone. She knew that I was Dan’s friend. I asked if I could speak to Dan. Michelle paused.

“I’m sorry Frank. Dan no longer works here.”

“What?” I said, rather shocked. “Where’d that rascal go? He didn’t say anything about getting a new job or leaving.”

A very long pause…

Michelle then told me that Dan had just been killed in an automobile accident.

I went numb. It was like my mind couldn’t really process this information. In looking back on this, my reaction was quite like that of Ennis del Mar in Brokeback Mountain, when he finds out that his beloved Jack Twist was killed in an accident. You just sort of stand there listening to the details unable to fully respond.

Two emotionally draining events happened in one week. Dan’s sudden death affected me in profound ways. I don’t have any pictures of him. I couldn’t bring myself to go to his funeral or his memorial service. I became very depressed. I grieved alone. I couldn’t tell anyone what had happened. I had to go on with my life.

Would this be my lot in life? Would I never be able to get away from all this pain and sadness and ever really become a happy gay person,able to experience true happiness.

I also became haunted by my feelings for Dan. I knew that he had been having a hard time with life. His wife and he had been having some difficulties….I believe from the gay issues. He was holding down his two jobs to make ends meet. He had just moved into a new house. He was under a lot of stress.

I wondered. Would it have been easier for him knowing that I cared for him and that I didn’t expect anything in return?

I’ll never know.

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