Grieving

When Dan died so unexpectedly, I found myself in an unpleasant situation, the likes of which I never dreamed that I would have to go through. The feelings that I had can be summed up in the Kevin Welch song that contains the lyrics, "I'm dying inside, but nobody knows it but me."

Here I was a closeted gay male, having been involved in a physical relationship with another closeted gay male. that I began to have some emotional attachment to, and before I could get the nerve up to tell him, he went away in a moment, never to return. I cannot begin to describe the feelings that I had. It caused a fog to descend upon me...heavily... I didn't dare share it with anyone.

Imagine the loneliness. Imagine the isolation. Imagine the pain.

Dan's secretary could tell that I was shaken by her news. She said that the memorial service celebrating Dan's life would be held the following afternoon...and that I should come. I hung up.

Not only had I been dumped for Jesus, by Cole, but it seemed that God was playing mind games with me by snatching Dan from me too.

The next day dawned. Life was moving ahead and I was still suffering from emotional devestation. I couldn't bring myself to go to the memorial service. My presence could generate more questions than I could provide answers. So, I stayed away.

At the appointed time, I breathed a prayer and moved on with my life. Later on, I called his secretary to find out where Dan had been buried. A week or so later, I made my way to his grave and worked through my grief there at the cemetery.

Still inside I was grieving, not only about Dan's sudden loss, or Cole's breakup with me, but it seemed as if I was grieving for the Frank that used to be. The straight Frank that I couldn't ever become.

On June 9, 2005, I would again feel this sense of loss. I would begin the grieving process for the loss of my marriage. I would grieve the loss of the "old Frank", the "old" life, and the "old family." Yes, some days are better than others. However, there are other days when the fog rolls in and totally overwhelms me. Even though I can chat with my friends and let them know that I'm in pain. Unless they have been there and gone through anything comparable, there's no way they can relate.

And once again, I feel like "I'm dying inside, but nobody knows it but me."