Bitterness

Today I find myself experiencing a tinge of bitterness toward “Lovey” and all that she stands for.

There, I have put it on the table for all to read.

I am bitter because of some conversations I have had with other men in my situation – married and struggling with being gay. I’ve heard them talk about how supportive their wives have been – of the many different and creative ways that they have worked things out – of the many couples who are happily celebrating 25, 30, 35, and yes, 40 years of dealing with it successfully.

And here am I, looking at a possible future of being alone. Alone as in no wife to talk to, to share my secret dreams with, to share my fears with, to rejoice in great triumphs or victories with, to experience weddings of our children with, to experience births of grand children with. Nope, no woman in my life to experience all these life events.

So, today, Friday, April 21, 2006, I’m bitter about her….and about a whole lot of other things surrounding her…and this floodgate of change and difficulty and pain she introduced into my life:

• I am now forced to face my gayness front and center.

• I must figure out how big a force in my future this is going to play.

• I have to decide whether or not to come out to the world and be done with it! (Do I do this in the event I wind up with a male partner later on or heck, should I just take the private route and if that happens, let them all figure it out then?)

• I have no significant female figure in my life on which to consult with on the trivial and the critical…unless you count my mother. (Sorry Mom…)

• I resent the fact that I have not been able to have any say in who I come out to for the first wave of disclosure. “Lovey” has outted me to practically the world and she has never understood why this isn’t and shouldn’t be done. (Maybe I shouldn’t worry about bullet # 3 after all it has already been done!) Whatever happened to loyalty? (She has always been loyal to her blood relatives though.)

• I resent the fact that very few in my church have cared enough to check on me or call – NOT EVEN THE PASTOR or other STAFF members. “Lovey” says it’s an awkward situation for them…because she is on staff. Hmmmm…why is it that they can’t pick up the phone to say they were thinking about me?

• I also resent a member of a gay married support group that I am part of in my city. I always looked up to him as a model…and as my rock…. But he has not once checked in with me… Oh he’s been concerned about the special guy in my life…and how my divorce is impacting him……but not one time has he checked in on me….to be concerned about how my divorce is impacting ME!

Did I say I was bitter?