Walls

As I write this, I’m feeling a whole of host of feelings – new and old. So, if this seems disjointed, I apologize….I’m full…..and I’m still learning.

I’m not perfect.

I have not arrived.

I do not have all the answers.

But here is what I have learned.

Last night I went to my gay married support group. While I was there, I gave thought to all that the other guys were saying and I was struck by just how far I have come. Yes, there has been pain. Yes, there has been doubt. Yes, there has been bitterness.

In writing this blog I have attempted to be honest. At times I have let my feelings show…warts and all. Then, I eagerly press the PUBLISH button. It documents those things, good and bad, that have happened through this awful period of my life.

Oddly, I have found this exercise – of keeping a blog…keeping it real and letting other people have access to not just a sanitized version of my struggles – liberating. It has in essence helped me to begin tearing down the various walls that I have hid behind in the past.

How I appreciate each word that you, my readers, have bothered to share with me…both backchannel and the comments you have so freely posted. Please keep them coming…I draw strength from each one.

As of this writing, I find myself in a continued peaceful state. The bitterness, anger, resentment and hurt have all crested. The flood appears to be receding. Yes, I think when the flood is over, I know that I’ll need to continue to shovel out the muck and the debris. But this experience…over these past 3 years….the pain…and the sorrow….and the related stuff will make me such a better person. I’ll be able to better understand what it’s like to talk to other guys who are hurting….because I have hurt. I’ll be more effective at comforting and genuinely caring.

For years I have lived behind many walls of protection. I’d forgotten how to genuinely care for others. I’d forgotten how to feel comfortable in the presence of other men. I’d lost myself somewhere…and just now I think I’ve found me.

How do I know this?

I see glimmers of my sense of humor….my thoughfulness…..my overall kindness….. beginning to surface. I hope I haven’t seemed heartless or cruel in time past…but I think that I was so caught up in the drama which is my life, I forgot how to be kind...how to enjoy the journey….how to see the wonder of relationships. Those walls were so tall….so daunting. Trying to get over them was exhausting.

Perhaps my drama also made me feel self-centered. I was consumed at trying to survive intact…and my walls wouldn’t let me seek the help I needed. My only focus was on me.

Something very momentous has been happening during this past week. I find that I’m not having to leap over my walls, but the walls seem to be lowering! The love and respect that I felt for each guy present at the married men’s group last night was almost overwhelming. The empathy….and the feelings of wanting to help surfaced full force.

I’m comfortable in my own skin. I have deep feelings of compassion for guys on this journey.

My issues are already fading a bit…I find that I’m more concerned more about some of my other fellow sojourners.

Yes, I think I’m finally on the right path.

I appear to be making some progress.