Masks

See those masks in the picture? They are the famous symbols of drama. In days of old, they were used to convey emotion of a drama...or play.... The true actor's face and emotions and features were hidden from public view. No one knew what the actor's thought or felt during their performance. They were hidden behind the masks of drama.

As I write this post, I am emotionally weary -- wrung out and spent from all the drama that is now my life.

I hate whining. I hate sounding like a whiner. But, for the past 9 or so months, that's all I seem to be able to muster the strength to do. I spent a lot of time be instropsective. I critique every action I do, every word I say, every emotion I exhibit. Perhaps I over analyze.

In my discussion this weekend with "Lovey" some things became very apparent. Each conversation with her brings out new items for me to process. I suppose in a way it's helping me to see what's been lurking behind her mask of perfection for all this time.

She has prided herself with having a loving family. "They love you Frank, even though they know you are gay!" she says rather smugly. I have heard this a number of times over the past 9 or so months.

She said this again to me on Sunday during our discussion.

Then it hit me. If they loved me as much as I have been told then why has there been such a silence with them? Why no telephone calls?

Lovey will say it's because of "awkwardness." She loves that word.

I guess the reason I have hung onto the concept of them caring for me still is because I'm an only child. I've never had brothers or sisters. Family O'Lovey is the only extended family I have ever known.

But through the years...I've never felt like I really belonged. I never really felt like I was a true part of the family. No one knows how much I struggled to fit in. I always thought it was because of my gay struggles.

Early on in my marriage, I was subjected to constant nagging and criticism about my weight. I was packaged differently in those days and really did have quite an appetite and sweet tooth. Time and drama have their ways of making one view things differently. It also helps the old bod to redistribute poundage. I still weigh basically the same amount I did when my wife and I wed in 1981. The only difference now is that there are others in the extended family who have redistributed poundage that's not nearly as flattering!

I've been frequently criticized by various members of their family for not only my weight, but my eating habits, my faith, my child rearing abilities (one sister criticized me for not bonding with my children during fun things like rock climbing). I always got a perverse charge out of the child-rearing criticism, since it alway emanated from the contingent that never had had children. Further, although they were quick to lob criticism...they never bothered to fully investigated all the other things I did with my kids.

I suppose all this outpouring of negativity from them was enough to make me an uncomfortable family member itself. But, still I tried to fit in and felt that I failed miserably. Perhaps it was the fact of my gayness I finally reasoned. Yet, during my discussion on Sunday with "Lovey" it dawned on me that my feelings of not belonging......of not feeling accepted....stem from something entirely different.

It wasn't that at all... I think it may have been my sensing genuine, old fashioned phoniness or insincerity.

Growing up, one thing my parents always stressed was for me to be REAL and to detest phoniness. That's why I had the anger problem concerning my church on Sunday. That's why I have had issues with key individuals throughout my life. This is why I'm harboring the feelings I have now for Lovey's family: for all their Christianity.....for all their syrupy sweet cliches.......for all their faux concern..... It's oh so shallow...and their comments ring hollow. Yet they hide this with their masks of concern, of empathy, of compassion... I wonder if they know how unattractive it is and how easily it is to detect when you've been away from it as I have been.

The cryptic comments that I have received many times in the past from my friends who have met Lovey's family or Lovey's co-workers are now beginning to make more sense to me in light of this revelation.

Why wasn't I conscious of it all then?