In the midst of all crises I've been going through with my mother, Lovey is there to add her two cents worth into the drama.
She's called a number of times to chat with mother and to alway say, "I've been praying for you."
Mother can't understand why it is that she is so concerned about her -- especially given the fact that when mother went through quadruple by-pass surgery in 1994 Lovey did not show as much concern -- AND we weren't going through separation/divorce at that time.
Such a mystery!
And, of course, when things were touch and go with mother this time, this is when Lovey gave me the separation agreement (after almost a year), because "she" wants to get this over with "as soon as possible."
I wrote her back briefly to say that my attorney would not be available until mid-September and that I would be in touch.
So, things have been very quiet from Lovey.
As time goes by, I'm finding that my bitterness and my feelings of distate and distrust of Lovey are at a constant high. Even my views of marriage are submerged in murky cynicism.
I don't see the need for marriage. I don't wish it for my kids, for my friends, for anyone that I truly care for.
Why bother?
Isn't this a sad commentary from the formerly staunch Christian conservative?
Gee, I don't know if this is a good philosophy....or not. But it is a change from how I used to think.
3 comments:
Marriage – why bother? I guess you would first have to determine what form of marriage you were considering, religious/social or civil/legal. From the legal point of view you have a point as long as all parties have equal power, there are no commingled finances, and you are not interested in the legal/taxation benefits that the government and businesses grant. Unfortunately true power equality is rare between couples and non-existent between parents and dependent children. True one can establish paternity and maternity is relatively self evident, but ensuring support is hard enough with divorce decrees, without them there is yet another level of difficulty. The same goes for palimony, I am not even sure if the concept of community property really comes into play here – specific contracts can be written to cover these things but who wants to go to your lawyer for each major purchase.
Another part of the deal is that the inconvenience of divorce is an incentive to work on the inevitable issues in any relationship that arise after a few years when the initial infatuation wears off. This has been cited as one reason for the relatively high turn over rate in gay relationships (where the partnership power tends to be more equal). I agree that truly dysfunctional relationships are better ended, but a lot of pain can be avoided by dealing directly with issues rather than running away to a new relationship and finding that you brought the problem with you. Also the breakup seldom affects only the two spouses, children, family and friends also get caught up in it. Again in some cases it is inevitable, but there are also benefits to many if the problems can be resolved.
Some would argue that once a relationship has lost its passion it has run its course and should be ended, no fault. To me at least, one hallmark of a good relationship is the “space for emotional intimacy” and for me that requires the safety that comes with more commitment to the relationship than to the passion, that I can confess my weakness and will find unconditional love and the grace of forgiveness for the next sin I commit, because I am human, against my partner, rather than having my suitcase handed to me. When and if I ever come out to my wife at its core this will be the reason.
I'm not going to debate the value of marriage here, but I tend to agree with your cynicism about the process. But, just a comment on the wife's behavior during our separation. Mine, too, expressed her concerns that she would "lose" her two sisters-in-law as friends. A couple of times she arranged to be invited to family events. Yet, it was obvious to me her concerns were hollow, since she didn't have much of a relationship with them anyway--never hanging out with either of them. To me it was an opportunity for her to be seen as "the good one" by continuing to to disparage my integrity and even my faith throughout our separation and divorce.
Final advice. Get your attorney's butt in gear. Get it done as soon as possible. You have another life ahead. If not, this will continue to wear on you. Cut your losses to acceptable/legal levels and move on. Ask any divorced guy, straight or gay, what eventually happens, and he will tell you that that is how it ends up. In a lot of ways, divorce is a lose-lose, and getting over and away from it will help. Again, if you can't agree, get an agressive, good attorney who will force the issue. Best wishes, and good luck.
Oh, another irony. The ex invited herself to my family baptisms, etc., yet refused to allow me to attend or even be invited to her side's weddings. Not that I would have gone, but it just illustrates her duplicitousness.
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