Seeking Direction

Okay everyone.

By now you know that I am a person of faith. It is very important to me and in the final years of my marriage it felt as though I was traveling in a vast, dark and dry wilderness. Only in February of this year did I stumble upon an oasis -- my church and I'm working to regain my spiritual footing.

As part of this journey and for the next three days I'm going to be out of touch and won't be able to write any entries. This is because I am headed to Madison, Virginia to a religious retreat sponsored by my church. I'm really looking forward to getting there and just spending some time in reflection.

This will have been the first time that I have spent time for just me -- without interruption or interference -- but my time. I hope to receive some direction on the path I should take.

It has been a very long and painful journey. At times I have been tempted to just throw in the towel and say I can't do this any longer, but still, here I am taking one step at a time.

These past few days I've experienced really high highs........and some very low lows. Still I continue.

It has been at least 7 years since I could say I was really happy.

Am I happy now?

There are times when I can say yes. But there are periods of time where I'm not happy...but I think I'm in the valley of doubt and dread....and indecision. Living the gay life isn't easy. While the gay community can be open and affirming, it can also be closed and exclusive -- unless of course you meet specific physical characteristics including porn star quality good looks and even though age is just a number, it's a powerful one that can undermine even your best efforts.

But I am determined that no matter how much I'm hurt by "the community," I refuse to change how I am.

I told someone yeterday that what you see is what you get: I refuse to be anything but me. I can be timid......I can be shy.......and I can be a tiger......I can be transparent.......I can be painfully honest......all very small parts of the whole that is Frank.

Sometimes I'm just not sure how it all plays with new people I meet. After such a meeting I find myself second guessing myself and wondering.....did I say too much......did I not say enough.......am I a jerk......did I babble.....did I come on too strong....or was I not strong enough.

And it drives me nuts....because I'm never sure what the other person is thinking. In the gay world it can be especially brutal.

So, I'm navigating uncharted waters with a leaky boat. It makes the journey exciting and scary -- all wrapped up in one package.

Hopefully, this retreat will give me the opportunity to center myself, to help me find direction and to open my eyes to the possibilities that lie ahead.

If you are a person of faith, please remember me in your prayers.

I really need them.