Will I Ever Be Happy? Truly Happy?

It is now in the wee hours of Sunday Morning. My company has left. In all I had 9 gay men here at my home tonight. We listened to music. We laughed. We played games.

And now they have gone their respective ways.

The clock in the hallway is striking 12 midnight.

Here I sit in the quiet of my home with my dog.

And I'm lonely.

I shouldn't be....I mean, I have my kids....my parents....my dog....my friends.....and I have made a set of new friends just tonight. They are a gay couple who have been together for many years....and they don't live far from me as it turns out. It was so good to just be with them and the other gay couples I have known that were here.

I find myself wondering about what it might be like to have someone in my life 24/7. Namely, what it would be like to have a man in my life.

While it is somewhat exciting to think about, I also find that the prospect of having another relationship.....even though it would be a male one, frightens me. I wonder, would I have the same problems and issues in that relationship that I had with my wife? Would we have the same communications issues? Would I be happy? Truly happy?

At times I think I have totally lost the ability to be happy. I lost that years ago.

I can't remember when or how.

All I know is that I turned around one day and I was sad....my happiness had vanished. I remember those times in my life.....when it seemed that I was always happy. It was boring at times.

But I just want to get back there again.

I'm just so insecure about things in my life. I am so easily spooked.

I'm sensitive. I don't like change.

I just want so badly to be happy....and move forward rather than sitting and fretting about the past.....or being afraid of the future.

Will I ever be happy with myself...with my life.....with my situation? Truly happy?