At the retreat, I had a discussion with a friend of mine about falling in love.
“What do I do,” I asked, “When I have strong feelings for someone in the church?”
Immediately my friend began asking if it’s so-and-so. Or if it’s this person….or that person – not parts of the conversation I wanted to get into. I avoided him and only responded by saying, “I’m not going to tell you.” Another name was mentioned. This was of a person I definitely am not interested in and I smiled and said, “I can honestly tell you, it isn’t him!” More names were mentioned.
“I’m not going to tell you!”
All I wanted to know was if I should tell the person or secretly pine.
After all that….I decided to secretly pine. This man is not going to know how I feel unless the circumstances drastically change.
The man that I am speaking of is someone I’ve had my eye on from the first moment I went to MCC over a year ago! Something about him just clicked a chord inside of me. And, all I can say is WOW!
At church I watch him discreetly…. Last summer I saw him out and about in DC, but I didn’t approach him. He didn’t know me at all then. At least this year he knows my name – I think!
When he’s around, or in close proximity to me, I’m just jello and I’m sure if I approached him to talk, I’d get all tongue tied.
A part of me wants to just run up and say…..”Hi! You make my knees knock! Wanna go on a date?”
But then, another part says, “Aw….he’s too busy to pay any attention to YOU! He’s probably another one of these men who can’t be friends with folks that aren’t attractive to them. You’ll just get hurt and rejected…and it will make any friendship “weird.”
So, given the experience I had last week…I just don’t risk it. I keep hoping for a miracle and that maybe one day he’ll strike up a conversation with me….and know that I’m available……and hoping….and waiting.
As I said yesterday, I’m just tired of always making the first move. Maybe he’ll decide to say something to me…..or ask me out. That would be great!
What would you do?
5 comments:
I say GO FOR IT!!!!!
He may also have had some bad experiences being the first to break the ice.
If I were you, I would ask him out for coffee to discuss some church related business or questions you may have. You could tell him that you prefer a one on one discussion this way there would be no interruptions.
Who knows? He may also have a crush on you too? If not, at least you would have someone who you can discuss your ministry issue with.
Frank:
I second almost all of what Kevin said. Sit down over coffee and get to know him – you do not need the excuse of “church business” just that “I’d like to get to know you”. Have a one on one conversation.
In the Reconciling in Christ training conducted by Lutherans Concerned / North America there is a “One on One” component where you are trained to have such conversations – interviews if you like – where open ended questions about the person’s life experiences, family background, and interests are asked and the interviewer actively listens, asking open ended follow up questions to round out the story. Most people, me included, report that it is a very moving experience. That someone would take the time to truly seek out and listen to my story. The executive director of LC/NA has developed this into a spiritual practice, listening to others, finding their passions. It is a fantastic ministry and in this case, tool to determine if there are shared interests upon which to build relationship.
Of course you need to be open to the fact that there may be no basis for romantic relationship, but you will be in a far better position to judge after such a conversation, and the risk of rejection is far less than using an opening gambit such as “are you a top or bottom?” ;-)
Rick
At minimum, I'd try to get to know him and make sure he knew me.
There have been times when a little bit of contact clarified that more of a relationship wasn't possible or desirable.
A couple of times I've gotten as far as letting a guy know I was interested, but it turned out not to be mutual. That turned out to be a manageable thing, too, even with the disappointment.
Knowing how great you are, I would ask you out. He doesn't know what he's missing.
I know the feeling and agree with some of what the others have said, you should get up the nerve to at least socialize a bit like lunch or coffee...getting to that point will take work, perhaps you could go introduce yourself and strike up casual conversation, then suggest "lunch sometime" and get his numbers and see if he follows through.
The hard part is you'll want to confess your feelings even if you shouldn't, it's hard for you to tell if you *should* since you're the one who's enchanted and prone to say something stupid or too much too fast. Think in terms of friends only in the beginning and look for any clues or body language or suggestions to meet again. If he meets again, your chances are improving...otherwise he wouldn't bother or seem reluctant if not interested.
In any case, you should try, or you'll regret NOT trying...
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