Frank feels like he is in a free fall at the moment. I guess this just comes with the territory of being gay. And...of being a divorced gay man, who happens to be alone.
My daughter, #2, arrived from Nashville early this morning....in the wee hours. Her flight arrived after midnight in Baltimore...and I went to pick her up with Lovey. #2 wanted both of us to meet her at the airport, which I did. I was civil...I was a good boy. But, man, I am really bothered by Lovey.....and I can certainly see how this divorce was the best thing for me.
I had a wonderful meal with my daughter, and my parents. They are with me for a few days for Thanksgiving. So, this is why I have been a little slow about posting the past few days. It has been busy...plus...I've had some medical problems crop up out of nowhere.
Yup...my back has been driving me crazy for the past week...and I had a visit with my doctor to discuss the diabetes....and my most recent blood work. The sugars have declined considerably since the last time I had blood work done about 8 weeks ago. But now I have a new ailment....my thyroid isn't working....and apprently ceased to work in October...about the same time as I went on the insulin.
So, it's kind of a bummer.
I was invited to the O'Lovey's house for dinner tonight with my daughter. There were 18 individuals there.....and it was fun being around everyone again. BUT..GOSH.....it's kind of hard trying to figure out what the rules of my new role are. I kept a rather low profile....and chit chatted with the family. Several of them came and gave me genuinely warm hugs....and pecks on the cheek to say how good I looked....and how glad they were to see me doing so well.
I smiled....and to be honest, I found myself wanting to say, "If you only knew."
Today I also got to hang around with my daughter somewhat. Gee, I am a sensitive creature.
Why is it when we are around people who genuine care for us, and they put an arm around our shoulder......or ask in that quiet and loving way, "Are you okay?" I well up with tears. They just stream down my face. Even after all this time....even after the divorce being final for almost 6 months.....even though I've been separated almost 3 years...., why do I still want to cry.
It scared #2....and she said that perhaps I should go to a shrink and talk about it.
She doesn't understand.
I'm not sure I fully understand....but the facts are rather stark:
A person I had lived with for 25 years ended it...and said some mighty hurtful things along the way. Even though I've been able to clear the air....and although I have received apologies.....that hurt is still there. It aches to my very core.
And there isn't anything I can do to make it better.
I just have to suffer with this...until the ache isn't as hurtful.
Until the ache totally goes away.
Tonight, the loneliness is starting to envelop me. What I wouldn't give to be able to feel a set of strong arms holding me as I fall asleep. Someone to say that they care for me or to at least say that I am loved.
My parents are fast asleep....the dog is in their room. My daughter is staying with her mother at Mom O'Lovey's house a couple of blocks away. I'm sitting here writing this.
Feeling as though a portion of my life is tumbling in a free fall into oblivion.
Will this ever get better do you suppose?
Will a man ever cross my path that is available fulltime for me? Someone that I can be a bit selfish with.....someone that I can feel close to again?
Where I'm not left to feel much like the left over turkey carcass in the refrigerator tomorrow afternoon? Cold....empty.....and dead?
Is this how the rest of my life will be.......the life of a gay, lonely and divorced man?
2 comments:
Frank;
I'm afraid that as long as you look to someone else to "make you" not feel like the left over thanksgiving day turkey, you probably will feel like leftovers. You, make you feel like you do, other people simply are living their lives, doing their thing. When Frank can let go of needing others to validate him because he sees the value of what he is and does on his own, then he can be Mr. Right in his own right.
Possibly not what you want to hear, maybe it is not even valid, but then I did not charge you so take it for what it is worth, my two cents.
Rick, simple as your post is...it makes a profound point. Sometimes it takes others to wake us up. Thank you.
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