Monday, November 12, 2007

Gray Monday Thoughts

It's Monday.....a federal holiday.....and I have the day off.

Lucky me.

The coffee is brewing....Davy, the cocker spaniel, is at my side, curled up asleep alongside me on the loveseat as I write this.

It's cold outside....gray and rainy. Just the kind of day a late autumn day should be.

I think it's the weather that affects my mood more than anything.

Once the coffee is made, I'm going to sip it...and ponder the rest of my day. I have to tear into the upstairs bedrooms and get them organized. I need to vacuum...and I also need to shampoo those rugs...as well as to work on the wood floors of the main level. I also have to vaccum the stairways.

It's going to be a nonstop day for me. Once it begins.

But first, I need to just relax...and focus on me for a little while.

After all these years of being the provider...the protector. It's really kind of hard to begin to focus on me and my needs. There's so much to get used to now that I'm alone. Twenty-five years is a long time.....and as my friends have said repeatedly, "you aren't going to get used to things overnight."

So, here I sit...with the smell of coffee wafting through the air.....and my dog snoring.....and I'm being haunted by days of old.

It's so funny....when I was married, I used to long for those times when Lovey was away on a trip and for the kids to be in school. I could have a few moments to myself... I actually used to fantasize about living alone.

And now that I'm alone...I fantasize about living with someone....or romanticizing the time I had with Lovey... I sort of minimize all those bad times. And there were many.

Are we humans ever happy? Are we gay men every truly happy?

I mean, really happy?

If I had a trophy man in my life who lived with me 24/7, would I really be happy? Or would I zero in on his flaws...and then fantasize about living alone again?

Oh, the puppy dog just moved in closer and sighed. I wonder if he just sensed my sadness. In his own way he appears to be trying to make me feel better.

I'm glad I have him.

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