That "Ache"

Okay, I’m back from my trip to Rhode Island.

To be honest, I’ve never really been a fan of New England. So, it hasn’t been at the top of my list of vacation hot spots or really any place that I had a driven desire to go visit. But this weekend was the annual gathering of my married men’s online group that I have been a member of for a very long time. I decided to attend. Primarily to reconnect with some of my old friends – to make new friends, and to explore the sites.

All told, there were about 35 men there. A lot of them are still married to their “best friends”….and they say that they have no intention of leaving them for another man. But in the next breath they also introduce you to their boyfriends or their life partners (male)….or however they wish to refer to that special man in their life.

In being around these men, I felt that old familiar “ache” stir up inside of me. Well, actually, it stirred up at least a couple of old familiar aches…that it has taken me several hours to get over.

Let me explain.

To hear all these guys talk about them having been married to their “best friend”….really hurt. Because there was a time in my life where I felt that I was married to a friend….. I thought I had all those things that one was supposed to have: the house, the cars, the kids, the successful career, the dog, etc. But, my best friend turned on me. She said that she didn’t love me any more.

And so I was summarily dumped.

That hurt. But that’s not what generates the ache now. It’s the pure fact that these men have wives that continue to stand with them…. One man said that his love for his wife has grown exponentially ever since she gave him the go ahead to explore his other self. He also said that he feels closer to her….and they talk more about everything.

I ached.

I ached because I knew that this is the relationship with Lovey I thought I would have ultimately. But, it won’t ever be.

God, how it aches…

And there isn’t a blessed thing I can do to make the ache go away. Only time will make it be so.

Another ache that I had this weekend was the fact that there were so many men present with the significant men in their lives. You could see it in their eyes….the contentment….the happiness…..the love.

In the main sessions, I watched as a few of the couples settled into a comfortable position.

An arm draped over a shoulder.

A body leaning into another.

A hand clasped in another.

A hand resting comfortably on a thigh or a gentle pat on a knee.

Yes, these men were content.

And in those moments when someone spoke….and a tear drifted down a cheek….there was that gentle nudge….or a hand to brush the tear away……or a gentle squeeze of the hand.

And, in me, there was that ache and the wish that my special guy was sitting next to me.