A Real Butterfly!

I’m turning into quite the social butterfly!

Tonight I host movie night with my men’s group. We’re going to have pizza and soda. They normally bring beer and such if they are so inclined. But, it’s a time where we can all relax and just enjoy being in each other’s presence.

I’m pleasantly amazed at just how well this has taken off. I began this back in November and it has been a success ever since. So, I plan to keep doing this for however long the interest is there.

Tomorrow night, the nine of the men from my church are meeting at a nearby restaurant at 7:30 p.m. to share time together. Then, when we are done, we’re all headed to my house to play a game of BALDERDASH.

Sunday morning is church and I will be serving Communion. This is followed by lunch with “The Lunch Bunch.” Sunday evening I’m headed out to the movies with one of my pals from church.

It’s so hard to believe, but it wasn’t so long ago that I didn’t have this much of a social whirl….this many friends that I could say were mine……or that I dared to invite people into my house. As I said before, it was such a wreck…I couldn’t host any company.

So, I have to admit…I think divorce is beginning to agree with me.

I’m starting to have fun!

What Would YOU Do?

At the retreat, I had a discussion with a friend of mine about falling in love.

“What do I do,” I asked, “When I have strong feelings for someone in the church?”

Immediately my friend began asking if it’s so-and-so. Or if it’s this person….or that person – not parts of the conversation I wanted to get into. I avoided him and only responded by saying, “I’m not going to tell you.” Another name was mentioned. This was of a person I definitely am not interested in and I smiled and said, “I can honestly tell you, it isn’t him!” More names were mentioned.

“I’m not going to tell you!”

All I wanted to know was if I should tell the person or secretly pine.

After all that….I decided to secretly pine. This man is not going to know how I feel unless the circumstances drastically change.

The man that I am speaking of is someone I’ve had my eye on from the first moment I went to MCC over a year ago! Something about him just clicked a chord inside of me. And, all I can say is WOW!

At church I watch him discreetly…. Last summer I saw him out and about in DC, but I didn’t approach him. He didn’t know me at all then. At least this year he knows my name – I think!

When he’s around, or in close proximity to me, I’m just jello and I’m sure if I approached him to talk, I’d get all tongue tied.

A part of me wants to just run up and say…..”Hi! You make my knees knock! Wanna go on a date?”

But then, another part says, “Aw….he’s too busy to pay any attention to YOU! He’s probably another one of these men who can’t be friends with folks that aren’t attractive to them. You’ll just get hurt and rejected…and it will make any friendship “weird.”

So, given the experience I had last week…I just don’t risk it. I keep hoping for a miracle and that maybe one day he’ll strike up a conversation with me….and know that I’m available……and hoping….and waiting.

As I said yesterday, I’m just tired of always making the first move. Maybe he’ll decide to say something to me…..or ask me out. That would be great!

What would you do?

Drama!

Just as things begin to settle down in my life….and my only problem is wondering if I will have a full-fledged, fulltime boyfriend, another drama unfolds that make all these little things in my life pale in comparison.

I received a panicky telephone call from a gay friend of mine yesterday. He’s married and has a grown daughter who is a newlywed.

Yesterday morning, before dawn, the newlyweds were awakened by law enforcement banging on their front door. They seized the husband’s computer because of suspicion of dealing with child porn! They also did a search of his home office.

It left husband and wife badly shaken.

My friend is very upset.

Supposedly this all stems from a job that the husband had applied for about six months ago. During a polygraph examination, he was asked if he had ever viewed child porn, and he answered that he had while in college…3 or 4 years ago. Now, six months later, law enforcement seize his home computer?

Something is not adding up.

Regardless, if this happens to be the computer he viewed that stuff on in college (and it is his college machine), and the forensics people find those images on his hard drive, me thinks he’s toast!

I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that there is more to this story. We should know something in a week to 10 days.

This couple is also expecting their first child in February.

This is scary stuff.

Meanwhile, back at my house, things are still peaceful. I guess I feel a little bit guilty since I don’t have much to whine about this morning.

I’m going to be quite busy this weekend. My gay married men’s group is coming over for the monthly “Movie/Pizza Night” on Friday night. Then, on Saturday night, a group of my men friends from church is meeting for dinner at a nearby restaurant, and then coming back to my house for some board games. Sunday is church, and I get to serve communion followed by lunch with another group of pals from church.

I really am blessed to have all these people in my life. I have a tremendous love for them all. I enjoy being with them.

All of these outlets are helping me to get back onto my feet. I’m developing close, affectionate and healthy friendships with other men.

It’s great to feel a part of a warm and loving group!

A Painful Lesson Learned

My life continues to settle down.

I’m nearing the 3-month point since my divorce was finalized. I’m not feeling as sorry for myself…life is starting to be good. I’m developing a very nice social network with tons of new friends, and the feelings of brokenness and inadequacy are starting to fade. I’m also feeling pretty self-sufficient now and self-confident.

This past week has taught me a few lessons. Right now I am kind of tired of the viciousness and coldness of gay life I have seen of late. I’ve posted a few ads online to meet people. One ad in particular was looking for a special man. A guy responded and we began chatting. We seemed to click and had some really good IM conversations and telephone conversations. We even spoke of friendship if other things didn’t work out.

We made plans to have dinner after I returned from the retreat. However, both of us were eager to meet before then…and we scheduled a time to meet at a coffee shop after work. We met….and things seemed to go nicely.

We visited for over an hour.

We parted ways.

Upon my return to town on Sunday I had an email waiting for me. He went on about not being attracted to me….therefore we would not be going to dinner.

So I guess my “friend” only has friends he’s attracted to…

To me, this shows how shallow the gay life can be. I mean, to cancel dinner plans just because you don’t want to “jump his bones” right there amongst burritos and the taco shells!

C’mon.

AND…

No one asked if I was attracted to my friend or not! (Really, I wasn’t.) But I never rule out a potential friendship…regardless of the attraction. However, my friend does…so the situation is now moot.

I’ve learned a great deal from all this. Yes, it hurt. But I will not be a victim here. I’ve learned so much in fact that I’ve decided not to pursue relationships for a while. I’m tired of making the first move only to be chewed up and spat out.

I know that I have a lot to offer the right man. I’m an excellent catch. I’m willing to be caught. I’m just tired of trying so hard.

What Am I Going To Do?

I meditated on many things while I was away on my retreat.

It’s something that you’re supposed to do as you try to use the time to center yourself on God. The interesting thing about retreats is that you’re so far removed from normal civilization, there just isn’t a lot more left to do other than meditation and prayer and Bible study.

This retreat center was in the midst of nowhere. At night when the lights went out, it was pitch black.

Totally.

So, during my many moments of solitude and quiet, I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit. I think I am now being encouraged to pursue the ministry.

Of all things.

Due to my background, I find this prospect frightening.

Will it cause me to go off the deep end like Lovey?

Will I get all my priorites mangled….and not remember my kids and other loved ones?

Life with Lovey has shown me all the things not to do. At least I’m alone now. I don’t have my family under foot. I have no significant other living with me….other than the dog.

I don’t know where to start….or what to do. At this point in time I cannot go back to school because of time and finances. At this moment, I feel I need to wait. I don’t know for how long.

But I’m so impatient.

I want things to get going immediately – time’s a wastin’.

It all scares me.

Making these life changing decisions scares me.

Being alone scares me.

Still I wait.

Monagamy In Gay Relationships

While at the retreat, I had an opportunity to discuss a topic that had been on my mind for a while.

Is there such a thing as monogamy in gay relationships?

Many gay men say they are monogamous, but it has appeared that monogamy has different meanings for different people.

So we talked about it at the retreat. There are a number of such couples in my church. When I could get them alone, I asked them...what does monogamy mean to you?

Perhaps I'm actually Pollyanna, but one day I would like to be in a relationship where I have a one and only. By this I mean ONE and ONLY. But I wondered if this ever happens in gay relationships. AND...if I'm just being weird.

Every gay male couple at the retreat I talked with assured me that their view of monogamy was "You can look.....but don't touch." This means no extracurricular physical activity. Period. End of discussion.

They also assured me that they had many couples in their spheres of influence that view monogamy in the same way.

So I supppose I'm not so far off base.

Will it happen for me?

Only time will tell...

A Blessed Spiritual Retreat

In my spiritual life, retreats are a normal part of the landscape.

However, I've done my best to avoid them. Primarily because it has simply taken too much energy to hid the gay thing from the other straight men in attendance, and I have just never gotten very comfortable in such settings.

I didn't think it was for me.

It was just too emotionally draining.

But because I am at a new place in my walk.....and a new place in who I am....and slowly becoming increasingly comfortable with my gayness, I decided to go to the church retreat sponsored by my congregation.

I am so glad that I went.

I was surrounded by people like me....gay men.....gay women.......and a few straight people just to make it a little interesting! I was with these people for most of the day on Friday, all day Saturday, late Satuday night, and a majority of the day today.

What a time I had!

I spent much time in contemplation. I think I prayed more over the weekend than I have in a very long time.

I experienced quite a range of emotions.....and shed many tears over many things in my life. The things I have lost.......the things I have presently.........the things I thought I had.....the future.

Ah yes, the Future!

I wept over that.

Why?

Because I'm a bit fearful of the unknown.

I've made it through the longest period of sadness.....loss....and spiritual dryness that I have ever experienced in all my life.

But now what?

Yesterday morning I arose early. I dressed and took my camera and hiked down to the Rapidan River to take some pictures as the world awakened to a new day. It was so peaceful as I hiked the quarter mile or so to the river. The path traveled through the thick forest downhille, through thickets and meadows, beside flowers and weeds and bushes....all covered with a heavy morning dew.

But there I was, and finally I reached the place where the river rolled over some shallow areas covered with rocks. It practically sang as the water gentle rolled over the shallow areas. It gurgled and bubbled.

How peaceful! Only the sounds of the birds.....the river.....and a slight breeze blowing through the leaves.

I thanked God for such a wonderful gift! I turned and began my journey back to the retreat area. As I ascended through the meadow and thickets, I entered the thick forest once more. It was a dark forest, shieldedd from the morning sun. It felt like I was going through a train tunnel. As I passed through the forest, I looked ahead and saw the end of it. The sun was gloriously streaming through the trees, ad they began to thin out.... The sunlight was casting a beautiful light upon my path...in essence directing my footsteps.

I had to take pictures of this moment.

So that I could remember it.

It was as if God was telling me that this was a symbol of my life. I have been traveling through the thick forest of sadness and gloom and doubt. But now is my time to dance in the sunlight....and to enjoy the blessings of God for a change. He is directing my path.

So I snapped the enclosed picture.

It's a symbol of my life.....I'm moving into a much better season of my life.

Seeking Direction

Okay everyone.

By now you know that I am a person of faith. It is very important to me and in the final years of my marriage it felt as though I was traveling in a vast, dark and dry wilderness. Only in February of this year did I stumble upon an oasis -- my church and I'm working to regain my spiritual footing.

As part of this journey and for the next three days I'm going to be out of touch and won't be able to write any entries. This is because I am headed to Madison, Virginia to a religious retreat sponsored by my church. I'm really looking forward to getting there and just spending some time in reflection.

This will have been the first time that I have spent time for just me -- without interruption or interference -- but my time. I hope to receive some direction on the path I should take.

It has been a very long and painful journey. At times I have been tempted to just throw in the towel and say I can't do this any longer, but still, here I am taking one step at a time.

These past few days I've experienced really high highs........and some very low lows. Still I continue.

It has been at least 7 years since I could say I was really happy.

Am I happy now?

There are times when I can say yes. But there are periods of time where I'm not happy...but I think I'm in the valley of doubt and dread....and indecision. Living the gay life isn't easy. While the gay community can be open and affirming, it can also be closed and exclusive -- unless of course you meet specific physical characteristics including porn star quality good looks and even though age is just a number, it's a powerful one that can undermine even your best efforts.

But I am determined that no matter how much I'm hurt by "the community," I refuse to change how I am.

I told someone yeterday that what you see is what you get: I refuse to be anything but me. I can be timid......I can be shy.......and I can be a tiger......I can be transparent.......I can be painfully honest......all very small parts of the whole that is Frank.

Sometimes I'm just not sure how it all plays with new people I meet. After such a meeting I find myself second guessing myself and wondering.....did I say too much......did I not say enough.......am I a jerk......did I babble.....did I come on too strong....or was I not strong enough.

And it drives me nuts....because I'm never sure what the other person is thinking. In the gay world it can be especially brutal.

So, I'm navigating uncharted waters with a leaky boat. It makes the journey exciting and scary -- all wrapped up in one package.

Hopefully, this retreat will give me the opportunity to center myself, to help me find direction and to open my eyes to the possibilities that lie ahead.

If you are a person of faith, please remember me in your prayers.

I really need them.

Time Moves On

I learned just a little while ago that another one of my cousins passed away. His name was James and he was one of my grandparents' first grandchildren. He was in his mid-60s and he was found dead yesterday.

Sadly this is another example of a relative who had made some very bad choices over the course of his life. He lived hard. He drank heavily and the drinking took a heavy toll on his body.

He also struck me as one of those underachievers who just floated along life's road without direction -- without goals and he spent the majority of his life without a job. So, it was a very sad case.

As I have explained in numerous entries, since I grew up as an only child, all my cousins were like brothers and sisters to me. Because James was so much older though, I did not get the opportunity to spend much time with him, or to get to know him very well. What I knew of his life came to me from other sources.

So, sadly, I have now lost a number of these individuals. This is the third one I've lost since keeping this blog.

Time moves on...

Good Morning Everyone!

This has been a very busy week, and I apologize for not writing something a bit sooner. To be honest, I've been suffering a little "blogger's block" and haven't known anything to write about.

The same characters are still very much at work in my life -- whether I want some of them there or not.

A curious thing happened at Mom O'Lovey's house earlier this week when I dropped in on Monday evening. I wanted to see how the Alzheimer's Aunt was. They ushered me in graciously and warmly. It was nine o'clock and Mom was rustling around in her kitchen to get dinner ready. She was growsing because of the fact the Lovey's sister and the dentist were supposed to join them for dinner hours before, and they hadn't been heard or seen.

I made no comment, but found it odd that the sister and the dentist were together....but then I'm not surprised.

Some history:

Each of Lovey's three sisters have been married before and are currently enjoying husbands number two. Lovey, as you can see, is a bit behind her sisters, but will one day catch up!

When my mother met Lovey's mother for the first time years ago, Lovey's mother told mom that this particular sister of Lovey's "just couldn't say no" -- if you get my drift. Through the years I have seen this behavior, and although she is a very fundamentalist Christian, she has not had any problems "sharing the love", if you follow.

A few months ago, my daughter #1 made mention of the fact that this sister really ....and I do mean REALLY liked the dentist. As a matter of fact we were all concerned about the fact that the dentist may have set his sights on Lovey...and were wondering how this sister would react to it all.

As it turns out, Lovey isn't interested and was never interested in the good doctor. However, her sister lives in her palace alone because her husband works in Boston. Quite a commute! As such, he doesn't come home but on weekends. This, of course, leaves the sister with some time on her hands.

Her and her husband have had some very rocky times....they've been married for about 8 years. It's his first marriage and her second. He's younger than her...she's my age (49).

So, it looks like some drama is a brewing....

In the meantime, I am coasting along...making new friends here and there.

Friday afternoon I leave for the church retreat and will have no internet or cell phone access.

I'm looking forward to this adventure and the time to focus on receiving some direction as to what to do with the rest of my life.

God hasn't forgotten about me.

Quiet Saturday

Today I write this from my hometown of Huntington, West Virginia.

Brokeback and I drove here yesterday to spend this weekend with my parents and help them celebrate their 53rd Wedding Anniversary.

It is so good to be here and to relaxe because it has been a very busy week.

And I do mean a VERY BUSY week.

The office has been...simply put...a zoo -- nostop activity including some drama. My staff, while the majority of the time are quite professional and on top of things, has been quite juvenile and immature. Petty arguments have erupted for no reason...people not speaking to each other. It's just one of the perils of being in management -- government management.

Late in the week we found that we had been approved to take government time and resources to have an offsite team building exercise. We're taking a cruise down the Potomac River to Mt. Vernon. While on the boat, we'll be giving out awards to the staff in recognition of their many contributions and efforts.

It seemed like an uphill battle at one point to get to do this. But in the end, saner heads prevailed and realized that we have never done such an activity. It was believed that it was now time to do something to help curb the stress and strain and juvenile outbursts that have been on the increase lately.

On Wednesday morning I got a telephone call from Mom O'Lovey explaining that she was having a dinner party on Saturday (today). She was wondering if I would come over and help her shampoo her rugs. when they threw the big wedding reception bash for my niece early on in the summer, her carpet had been terribly stained.

Well, since I'm a nice guy, I decided to help. I took my trust shampooer....all the shampoo and stain removers, and showed up at her house. My shampooer is a good one that heats the water and the cleaner and does a great job. I began my work...only to take a few moments to eat and to drink something cold. In the space of about two hours, I had cleaned the dining room carpet...it looked brand new..... The original knap of the rug was in place.....traffic patterns had been erased and those nasty stains from Lovey's cat....and Mom O'Lovey's deceased cat had disappeared.

Since I was feeling rather invigorated, I had heard Mom mention that her den and guest room had also been initiated by Lovey's cat. So I moved back there and cleaned away all evidence of that pesky cat!

As I left, Mom presented me with a check for $50 for my good deed. With alimony being so expensive, I gladly received it.

Friday, Brokeback and I headed to WV to visit my parents this weekend. It's good for Brokeback to have some time away from his stressful job and family lives. Although we only get one full day here...today....we will return tomorrow afternoon to the hustle and bustle of DC. Thankfully I have Monday off to recover from this whirlwind trip.

Mom is still bothered by Lovey...and I've just been allowing her to vent. But I have told her that we just need to let it all go because the divorce is now OVER. It is time to begin a new and happier life.

Each day does seem to get a little bit better.

I'm seeing more and more of my old self....my old personality.....

It just keeps getting better.

Next weekend I go to my first religious retreat as a single gay man. It is sponsored by my church...and I'm looking for the time away. There is no internet availability and no cell phone service.

My only wish is that Brokeback could go with me there.

I must say that on this trip Brokeback and I don't seem to have lost any of the basic chemistry that brought us together in the first place. This is the first trip he and I have taken in a very long time...and I love it. No disagreements....no cross words.....no fights....no anger....no hidden agendas....no hositlity....no manipulation.

Just the joy of two guys who love each other dearly spending time together...

Really, that's not a lot to ask or wish for...

Is it?

Out of the Past

I've been doing some reminiscing lately...so please bear with me.

This gay thing that I have suffered with for 45 years has had its share of ups and downs.

I remember so desperately trying to keep everything hidden, including my basic identity. I tried conjuring up feelings that I didn’t have and to make myself “normal.”

It was downright frightening to reach that period in junior high when it felt that my world was coming unraveled. I felt like a secret agent. I had to keep my feelings for other boys in check. I tried to be as asexual as possible.

That first year in junior high was hellish to say the least. Not only was I moving to a new school for the first time in my life….but I also was expected to strip naked in front of all the other boys and take gang showers…..which meant I was afraid of getting excited and well, -er obvious as to my orientation.

No wonder I was rather chunky…and ate as a way to get comfort. It also explains why my grades that year were so bad. My parents believed that I played my way through my seventh grade year….but in actuality….and I remember this very clearly…….I was so overcome with hormones……and thoughts and desires I had never had before…….that I was a total wreck waiting to happen. I just didn’t have the energy to handle it all and my grades suffered. Added to all this was the ADD that I did not know I had at the time…so, in looking back, I’m amazed that I made it through that year at all!

That entire academic year I was like a deer in the headlights…24/7. Everyday seemed like something bad happened or at least was waiting to.

Three months into that school year is when the Marshall University airplane crash happened. Several of my friends lost their parents. This only added to my stress and anxiety levels.

The absolute worst part was the fact that I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. I couldn’t’ share the fact that I was “different”….or had these feelings that made me feel troubled.

That year I also discovered the joys of masturbation. In my little mind…..something that felt so great had to be wrong. So, on top of all that I was feeling, I now added guilt to the mix.

So, now fast forward to the year 2007 -- I’m now a marriage veteran, with three kids to show for it all. In looking back at that 25 year long term relationship, I’ve likened that experience as a trip on the Hindenberg. For a time, we flew majestically and mightily – we had our ups and our downs, but in the end we had our Lakehurst, NJ. Somewhere our marriage exploded. It crashed and burned and left me standing in the rubble to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix.

So here I am and I’m beginning to heal. I’ve gained a host of new friends – a lot of gay ones. I’m developing healthy, close and affectionate male friendships.

I’ve discovered church again and the joy of delighting in the Lord after such a long journey through the desert.

I’m also content with what I have. All I need is to pay all my bills off…and you’ll see a very happy Frank.

Yesterday I had something to happen that shows just how far I have come in my development as a single gay man. It’s a bit funny in some respects.

I had lunch with Brokeback in his office building. It was relaxing and fun to just catch up and talk and just to be together. At the conclusion of our hour together, we walked to the center of this vast office complex. He grabbed my hand in a handshake and we embraced as we have thousands of times. But this time, without thinking, I kissed him just west of his cheek…on his ear.

It was only after I returned to my office that I realized what I had done. No wonder the woman with the cell phone up to her ear looked at me kind of weirdly at the time! I apologized to Brokeback….but he must be experiencing the same type of growth because he thought nothing of it.

So, I am rising further and further out of the ashes of my marriage.

What a journey!

Evening - July 29, 2007

Well, I did get off my butt this morning and I traveled to church. I am so glad that I did...just being around my friends...and letting them know some of the pain and the gloom and doom I was feeling....and then to have them put their arms around me to say that they loved me and would pray for me helped me more than I can begin to describe here.

The sermon was about prayer...and the Lord above knows that I am always interested in that topic. I also got to hear one of my friends sing a special entitled, "There is a Balm in Gilead"... It ministered to me in a sweet way. It's one of my favorite hymns.... I have a very old recording of that song by the late Jack Holcomb. I guess I'm dating myself. The majority of you will not remember him, but he was a great gospel tenor from many, many years ago.

Every time I hear that song, it touches my very soul....and God knew that I needed to be touched today.

I got to spend lunch with some of my buddies too....followed by a movie with Brokeback. Just by being with him helped me too.

So all is not bad.

In between things, my daughters called me. They are fine...and wanted to know how the old man was doing.

I even heard from Lovey....who said she had had a difficult conversation with the Marine. She does not know all that is going on with him right now. Even though he may be stressed, that should not give him a reason to be so belligerant with her.

So, there always seems to be drama......of some kind in my life, which is so silly.

But oh well....another day begins another week. So we will see.

Thanks for all your prayerful support of me...and your words of encouragement.

More later.

Sadness....Profound Sadness

I think I have a chemically triggered depression going on in my head today.

Diabetes causes all kinds of things....not to mention the changes in mood....and here I sit.

I've been up since 5;00 a.m. here on a Sunday Morning. I've been out taking care of some errands....and now that I'm back, I should be getting ready for church. But my profound negative mood is tempting me strongly to just stay home...and not do anything but work on my house.

All morning, I've been fighting wave after wave of negativity. It stems from my lot in life of being a single, divorced, gay, white, older man. It spreads to the fact that my daughters are many, many, miles away. It seaps into the crevass of my son possibly having gotten a girl pregnant and will be heading to Iraq. It then sweeps over the fact that I'm an only child, with parents who are aging....

I'm a mess.

So, I guess, rather than just sitting here and letting the sadness drown me.....I need to get off my butt and go to church....and stop the pity party.

Relationships

This weekend has been an interesting time of my being in the presence of a lot of my gay friends -- some new -- some old. I also had the opportunity to catch up with one friend on the telephone on Friday. It's interesting how all of them in their various conversations with me struck a chord.

Are gay relationships any more fickle than straight relationships can be?

Two of my friends who have been involved in somewhat long-term relationships have had them end on somewhat sour notes. One ended after quite a stormy term that featured a rather significant age difference -- my friend who is around my age and his former partner who was in his late 20s. The other is a couple who are close in age (again around my age), but one of them suffers from a mild case of mental issues. However, in each of these relationships, the issues have surfaced in such a way that the relationships have been unable to continue.

So they ended.

When I heard these stories, I wondered if these relationships would have ended had they been heterosexual. It seems that we have support systems in place to offer help to such couples in difficulty. Is it the same for gay couples?

I just don't know. But it is a shame to see people you care about go through breakups.

I only know what the breakup of my straight marriage was like....but I think I can relate to what these gay couples are feeling.

The gay friend that I chatted with on Friday afternoon also is kind of in the same boat as me. He's married, with children. He and his wife plan to go the separate ways when their current child (age 14) heads off to college in a few years. But my friend is struggling with different issues related to this decision. One being that every single man he meets, he automatically sizes him up as a potential mate. He has set expectations and qualifications for a life partner and so, when he meets a single man, he runs over the checklist in his mind.

I suppose I'm a bit guilty of doing this too. I looked at the couples who have broken up....and the men that I know who are now suddenly single, I find myself wondering what they would be like as partners.

Two of the four men are guys that I find myself strongly attracted to, but I just don't think they feel the same way for me. AND...in my condition, I'm certainly not brave enough to approach either and say, "Hey...how about giving me a chance?"

I guess I'm suffering from the same malady that on eof my daughters face in their dating quest. They want the guy to make the first move and be the pursuer. I am so very shy, I'm afraid. So, in my mind, I discount the possibility. So, I become a friend and listen to them talk about all their drama they have in their lives.

And I wonder....gee what kind of mate would you make for me?

Now, when I'm pondering the prospect of a mate, I don't think I'm wanting an awfully lot. What I want is:

a man who is available.

a man who wants me as much as I want him.

a man who place me as priority one in his life.

a man that I can place as priority one in my life.

a man that will be true and honest and monogamous.

Ah, but sadly, I'm not sure if this exists in the gay world.

The closest that I have to any of this is with Brokeback....but as I have said in previous posts, that relationship can only go so far due to his commitments.

So, I guess I'm totally prepared to go through the remainder of my life alone. Let's face it. Relationships present opportunities for stress to take root. I've just ended my 25 year relationship with Lovey and God knows how stressful she was.

I don't want dysfunction in my gay relationship, but I get a sense that there is the distince possibility of that happening.

It frightens me because I'm not sure that I have the energy to devote to the issues related to such a relationship.

So, perhaps I should just sit back down....calm myself.....and craft a comfortable existence alone with my dog, my house, my grown children, my parents, my friends, and Brokeback and be happy with what I have. I need to learn about contentment and remember that I have so very much to be happy about. I have so much more than a lot of men.

The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.

My Son

I finally got through to the marine yesterday. I had been trying to call him for several days to see if his bullet proof vest arrived. It's the one that he had "forgotten" here.

I shipped it out early in the week. I took it to FEDEX and shipped it via ground for only $10. It took about 2 days. I thought that it would cost a small fortune. But it didn't. I was so thankful.

Money is tight around here these days. The money tree died back in March.

While I had him on the phone, I asked if he had heard whether he's a dad or not. He grew annoyed with me. He said that he hadn't talked to his girlfriend since she told him that she felt like she wasn't pregnant, but she had no tangible proof. She hadn't taken a home pregnancy test....or seen a doctor.....and she had not had a period yet.... But she still doesn't "feel" pregnant.

The marine says he will address this topic with her next month.

Next month?!?


Oh well, it's not my potential baby. But it's so weird that no one seems to want to find out for sure, but me. Grandma Lovey has no idea about all this.

So we wait.

I think the marine and his girlfriend are playing games........with one another.

It's things like this and other issues that make me hope and pray that there is NO baby....and that the Marine and this girl do not become lifelong companions.

So we shall see.

Thoughts on a Possible Grandchild

As I sit in the balance of waiting for the actual word, one way or the other, of whether or not I'll be a grandfather, I've done some real soul-searching.

So far, everything I've pictured for my family has gone totally opposite of how I thought things would work out. For example:

1. I thought that I would grow old with my wife.

NOT

2. I thought that I would be actively involved with her ministry as I aged.

NOT

3. I thought that my children would all live in relative close proximity of "us."

NOT

4. I thought that I would become a grandfather the old fashioned way: after a courtship of my children and their subsequent marriage and at least nine months.

As it looks now:

NOT

When it comes to grandchildren, I always pictured that I would have them and be able to enjoy the process with my wife. But as it stands now I will be by myself to enjoy my grandchildren. It disturbs me a bit.

It's not as I pictured.

Although at some point I may have a trophy husband to enjoy my grandchildren with....but that's not how I had pictured my life.

Oh well.

Life goes on.

Frank's First Drag Show

For years I’ve always wanted to see a drag show, but I’ve never quite gotten up the nerve to go see one. Really, I don’t know why I was so nervous about it. Could it be that I just didn’t want to go by myself to one?

I find that this is my issue a lot of times.

I don’t want to do something new, because I have to do it by myself.

This is silly. But I guess at times I am a silly person.

I was contacted several weeks ago about going to a drag show in Baltimore, Maryland with a group of my friends. I wanted Brokeback to go with me, but he would be out of town on business. So, if I went, it would have to be all by myself. So, I decided to go.

Yesterday I focused on it and was shocked to find out that the show did not begin until 10:00 p.m. That would mean a long night.

A very long night…

I met a friend for dinner at a restaurant in the heart of Gay Baltimore. We then got to the Hippo Discothèque and met another friend outside the front door. It was the first time I had ever been there. It was ultra modern with a slight art deco feel to it. The bar was filling with patrons of all persuasions. I saw the usual gay men – singles and couples. Then the elderly straight couples came in who were joined by young straights and a slight sprinkling of lesbians. What a crowd.

Around 9:45 we went into the nightclub portion of the place. If it had had scantily clad go-go boys, it would have looked very similar to Babylon in Queer As Folk. The music was thumping. The lights were flashing. The atmosphere was charged.

People were laughing and talking. I felt oddly comfortable….and I am not a bar/discotheque person.

The lights dimmed….and the star, Christopher Peterson, appeared as Marilyn Monroe. He performed a song that Marilyn might have performed, had she lived, that Diana Ross made famous, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” It was a hoot. He then talked between ladies and did Reba McEntire, Bette Davis, Barbra Streisand, Tina Turner, Liza Minnelli and to end the set, he did the showstopper by Oscar Winner Jennifer Hudson, from Dream Girls.

His show, “Eyecons,” is currently playing in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware on the weekends. I highly recommend him.

What an interesting evening…. I left smiling. His Christmas Show is at the Hippo come December.

Bad News

I’m still in shock at the prospect of becoming a grandfather. Thus far I have no final confirmation one way or the other.

I pray that the marine is not a dad. He just isn’t ready emotionally. He hasn’t matured enough.

On top of this, I’d much prefer to have my first grandchild be greeted with love, excitement, and hope – not fear, trepidation, or uncertainty.

But this is the queer grandpa’s thoughts, what do I know?

Now onto another topic.

When it rains, it pours they say. Well, I feel like I’m in the middle of a cloud burst.

Yesterday I went to visit my doctor. My body chemistry is all messed up. My sugars are basically out of control. It appears that my body has once again turned on me. The meds for diabetes appear to have stopped working. My doctor wants me to go on insulin.

I’ve had 15 years without doing this. I’m quite depressed about this latest development and I feel like a failure.

My doctor says that I shouldn’t feel this way. She says that I have just entered into a new stage of diabetes management. Some of the troubling symptoms I’ve had appear to be diabetic “brown outs” according to her. She says that I will feel so much better.

I asked if we could hold off on the insulin for another six weeks while I see if I can get my numbers down further. During the time of the separation and the divorce proceedings, my numbers were really something. At least since the divorce finalized on May 29, an improvement has occurred. I told her I wanted to see what my body did as a result of my “settling down” and getting into a routine.

My next appointment is September 11.

Keep me in your thoughts as I struggle with this latest drama.

Phone Calls In the Night

Have you ever been awakened in the middle of the night by the unnerving jingle of the telephone?

I have – on many occasions.

As a parent, I’ve heard from homesick tykes who wanted to come home from a sleepover in the middle of the night. I’ve had my parents to call me in the wee hours of the morning to share the news of the death of a loved one. My son has called me to let him in the front door because he had lost the front door key.

When the phones rings like that – in the dark – in the stillness of the night, I put my hand on the receiver and pause…whisper a prayer for strength and courage and answer with “Hello?”

Yesterday morning in the wee hours my telephone rang.

“Hello?” I said.

#2 was on the other end.

“Hi Daddy! I just wanted you to know that I got back to Nashville safely from my vacation to Colorado. I had a lot of fun, but I knew you’d be concerned.” She said.
“Please go back to sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow.”

She was right. I was worried about her. I was glad she was home safe.

So I hung up the phone and rolled over and went back to sleep.

A few hours later, the telephone rang again.

This time it was one of those telephone calls that have a serious impact on you.

It was my son who said, “Well Dad, I need to tell you something. You might be a grandpa.”

Oh goodness.

It wasn’t planned. It was an accident. He doesn’t want to marry the girl. But he does want to take care of his child.

But goodness me….this is my baby boy…..telling me that he may have a baby.

And now I’ve reached that stage in life where someone will refer to me as “Grandpa.”

It makes me wonder where all the time went.

What happened to that little blond boy I once had?

For the last 7 years I’ve been so wrapped up in the demise of my marriage and my gay issues, my youth vanished. And here I sit entering a new stage of life – being someone’s Grandpa.

It awakens all those feelings in me….of longing….. You see, I have no one to share this all with. Or someone to hug and be close to to celebrate a possible new little life with. Oh, the circumstances are less than ideal. But it’s still the potential beginning of a new member of my family….and I want he/she to know that his/her paternal grandpa loves them beyond words.

I just wish I had a spouse/partner to share it with.

I hope to hear something definite…one way or the other soon. The marine is not ready for parenthood…and he’s headed to Iraq at the end of September.

Oh goodness….why now?