I Feel Really Bad...

I feel like a really self-absorbed jerk right now.

You see, I've finally sat down and read some of my other cyber buds' blogs that are listed on the side of these entries. Clearly, I've not been keeping up with them as I should have....and today I read "MY CONFESSIONS" by my buddy BIGG.

Please click over and read his entry. AND...if you are a spiritual person....and have a relationship with a higher power, please lift him up in your payers. Not only is he dealing with the gay thing as I have done....he's in the process of divorcing.....his wife is trying to have his bankruptcy status overturned so that she can get spousal support on top of child support. This is all well and good, BUT....he just found out that he has a nasty case of cancer that will require a lot of strength....money......and encouragement. This doesn't seem to make any difference to the wife....and BIGG is feeling quite stressed about everything.

I would be too.

So please....remember him and his family when you pray/meditate.

I will really appreciate your concern....and leave him some notes of encouragement too. It always helps to know that others care.

I'll post something tomorrow.....

On Being Alone

I hate being alone.

I don’t understand it.

I am an only child. So being alone or spending vast amounts of time by myself should not be anything traumatic, or of any consequence.

But I’m finding that it is.

I wonder why.

Last night I was with my cocker spaniel alone in my house. A severe thunderstorm raged just outside. The wind swirled around my house – lightening flashed, thunder rumbled.

There, 50-year-old me sat with the dog.

Afraid.

Oh, I wasn’t incapacitated, and I don’t mean to sound like Bette Davis. But a part of me was frightened. Of what, I don’t know.

In the not too distant past, I had a house full of activity – kids moving in every different direction, a wife who floated in and out of the house doing her church things, a dog, and a cat.

I didn’t give thunderstorms a second thought.

Now I do. I also pay attention to those things that go bump in the night.

It’s now just me and the dog.

But then, it’s only been five months since #1 left for El Salvador. So, I’ve only been truly alone for those few months.

I suppose it, like everything else, is going to take some time.

Ten Compliments That Will WOW a Man!

I just read an article on YAHOO that lists and describes 10 compliments that WOW a man.

I decided to read these because I’m single…..and trying to catch up on the art of dating. Hey, look, I’m almost 50 years old. I haven’t dated anyone in over 25 years. As a matter of fact, the only person I’ve ever dated was the woman I wound up marrying…and on looking back on things, well, I wasn’t too hot in that department obviously.

As I ponder the gay life……gay relationships…….I am totally scared at the prospect of dating gay men.

So, why not look seriously at those 10 compliments that Yahoo says will WOW a man? Now remember, this list is written to women. But hey, I can use all the help I can get!

So, let look at what they had to say:


1. "Your arms are definitely looking bigger."
(Huh?) Yahoo says: Men can be just as paranoid about the way their bodies look as women can be. In fact, nearly 90 percent of men in a national Men, Love & Sex survey say there's at least one body part they'd like to change (42 percent saying they want a new gut). While men don't necessarily want women to lie if they're out of shape, it never hurts to notice he's looking good -- or at least trying to look better.

2. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." (Ha, ha, ha?) Yahoo says: Guys spend all of high school, the better part of the work day, and at least 12 times a day via e-mail trying to make people laugh. Because men value their sense of humor as one of their most important qualities, a hearty, genuine laugh is as flattering as it gets.

3. "Wow." (Hmmm.) Yahoo says: Doesn't matter whether it comes as he's getting undressed or after you've finished having sex, this short, sweet word (best done in a whisper) may just be the ultimate ego-stroke. A picture may say a thousand words, but this three-letter word sums up roughly 10,000 of them.

4. "You the man." (Is that: you are the man?) Yahoo says: Guys hear this all the time. From other guys. They hear it at work, on the golf course, and when one dude from the group buys the beer. But if it comes from a woman -- no matter the context -- the message is that, hey, we're buddies, too. Which is actually pretty darn sexy.

5. "The kids just adore you." (What if he doesn’t have kids?) Yahoo says: More than 50 percent of men say that their families -- more so than work and salary -- are what defines them most as men. So when a woman affirms that he's a familial hero, it's a compliment that stretches way beyond anything you could ever say about his haircut.

6. "What do you think?" (Lovey never asked this of me.) Yahoo says: We've all seen it a million times with long-married couples: They engage in cerebral power struggles, where neither can concede on anything -- whether it's the best way to move a piece of furniture or the fastest way to reach the interstate. I'm not saying that men should have the only say in decisions, but some guys do feel like they actually have very little.

7. "Cute feet." (Say what?) Yahoo says: Typically, it doesn't matter much to men if women like a part of their body that they don't control, like their eyes, jawline, or body hair. And typically, guys care for the word "cute" about as much as Paris cares for the penal system. One exception: The part of the body that is classified as being especially gross. Tell a guy he has good feet, and somehow he takes it as a double-bagger compliment -- that you not only like his genetics, but also that you appreciate he can keep himself better groomed than the rest of the gnarly-nailed heathens out there.

8. "Meow." (Animal noises?) Yahoo says: The stats show that 61 percent of men think their partners aren't sexually adventurous enough. While a feline one-liner doesn't automatically qualify as adventurous, it does show a bit of inhibition, and the message is one he likes to hear: That perhaps he's brought a little bit of the animal out of you.

9. "Impressive." (Keep it clean guys.) Yahoo says: Guys love feats. They love accomplishments. They love being acknowledged for their strength, power, and, simply, their masculinity. So a well-timed observation like this one -- whether it comes after he carries a TV to the family room or figures out a way to fix the pipes without having to call the plumber -- feeds into his need to feel like the family protector.

10. “I want you." (Hmmmm) Yahoo says: Women don't need to go on about a guy's eyes or hair or clothes. What a guy really wants to hear is that he's the total package, and this acknowledgement of that -- whether it's referring to bedroom behavior or relationship stability -- is the ultimate compliment of them all.

I wonder if Lovey had said these 10 compliments to me if it would have changed the course of our marriage? Probably not because these compliments are meaningless to me.

But then, I’m a gay guy.

So I suppose this list wouldn’t work on other gay guys either.

Oh well, back to the drawing board.

Choices

Just received a telephone call from Lovey.

Yes, I know it's rather late....but she had a lot of things on her mind that she wanted to talk to me about before she leaves for Nashville and #2 tomorrow. She's spending the night at her mother's which is a couple of blocks away.

She is planning a gathering at her house in the Shenandoah Valley on July 22 to celebrate her mother's 77th birthday. She and her mother and her mother's sister want me to come and be a part of this family gathering.

Now where did that all come from?

Lovey was very warm and very friendly and sounded like the old Lovey that I fell in love with so long ago.

I honestly don't know how to handle this.

I know what my parents would say. I know what my friends would say. I know wat my heart wants to do.

Do I try to make peace and "bury the hatchet"....and be friends....

Or do I just hang on to the negative feelings....the feelings of being offended......the bitterness......the anger....?????

Hmmmmm

A Revelation

I’m an awful person.

I heard from my daughter in El Salvador. She telephoned me late last night to say that she had just gotten the latest newsletter from my former church -- the church that Lovey was on staff of before she flitted off to the Shenandoah Valley.

You know…the one that had the pastor who all but ignored me during Lovey’s and my separation. Yes, that pastor who responded to my email last year with a handwritten note that said something about how he hoped I would give their church another chance…and how much he wanted to be my pastor…and how he realized that they had dropped the ball with me. He also said in that handwritten note that he had handwritten it because he wanted me to know how important he considered my “cry for help” and that he wanted “desperately” to have dinner with me and to get to know me better.

That was in October 2006. It is now June 2007.

No calls.

No dinner invitations.

No conversations.

Absolutely nothing.

Yes, him. And, that church.

Well, #2 called to say that she had read in the clergy column about how that pastor had decided to restructure things at the church. It seems that he has a burden for “hurting” people. So, he’s saddled “caring” ministries with his associate pastor.

This week she wrote a glowing column about her new duties, and #2 wanted to tell me the exciting news!

The associate said, “Much to my delight and joy, I will once again be focusing on caring for others… Because I’ve been so involved in programming, there are many events in your lives that I haven’t been fully aware of. If you have anything that you would like to talk with me about, please give me a call, and/or ask to see me!”

Hmmmmmm.

Boy, there’s a lot I could talk to her about! I would ask her, “How is it that you can have a staff member who is going through a divorce, after a long term marriage, and you and your senior pastor can’t seem to muster the grace or the “care” to pick up the telephone to say, ‘Frank, are you okay? Do you need anything? Can I pray with you?’”

Can you sense my bitterness?

Do you detect a tinge of hostility?

Enough!

I need to let it all go.

I just need to move on.

Still, the anger and hurt lurk just below the surface. If I’m not careful, it will fester and I will turn into an angry and bitter old man. This is something I don’t want!

Now this may sound strange – especially if you’re not from a spiritual/religious background, but I feel God dealing with me.

Yup, it’s there and it’s something I can’t seem to get away from it.

I think I’m being called into a pastoral ministry…sort of an emphasis on pastoral counseling. This call is growing stronger and I don’t know what to do to start dealing with it.

In order to do this….I need a few things.

First and foremost, I need to complete my counseling degree. I’d have to do this on a full time basis because, knowing me as I do, I could never be a part time student. I can’t stay focused when I have too many tasks to deal with. The grades would suffer. I would want to be at my best.

But in order to do this, I need money…and a lot of it because I would want to retire from my job so that I could focus on my studies full time.

How much is a lot?

I don’t know, but the amount would probably have to be in the neighborhood of what I make on my job for several years. Then, I don’t know what I would do. Would I pastor? Would I hang out my shingle as a counselor?

Just thinking about all this makes me dizzy.

But, I know that I could help lots of people….perhaps specialize in the gay thing and with men who are struggling as I have. Or, maybe I could help the wives of such men. (I couldn’t help Lovey though…..but…)

I need direction.

So, I just need to sit and wait. If God really wants me to pursue all this, He certainly has the ability and all the resources to make it happen.

Could those of you out there who are from spiritual/religious backgrounds remember me in your prayers/devotions?

Pray that the proper doors will open.

Pray that the resources will flow.

Pray that old Frank here will be sensitive to the answers as they come and that he won’t do anything stupid.

Another New Record!

Yesterday y'all broke another record!

I had 53 visits yesterday to this little piece of the Web.

Thank you!

I've got a lot of stuff going on in my mind and will post again later on this morning.

A Symbolic Beginning...

It's amazing....but I've survived the awful separation and the final divorce action. Still, I'm in need of something to be a symbolic beginning. Something to get me going on my new journey....something to give me the umfff to begin living my new life.

I spoke with #2 about this.

She suggested that I have an open house in late August to celebrate my divorce -- actually a divorce party. But I choose to call it a "Celebration of New Beginning." It would be a time for me to have all of my friends in to help give me the send off onto my new adventure of life.

But such an undertaking offers its own drama. I can't seem to do anything these days without some drama.

I'm out to a few people in my life. Of course, Lovey outted me to all kinds of people...but I don't know who they are.....so I don't really make any assumptions. I have tons of straight friends from my office who I'm not out to. I have some close friends from other aspects of my life that I haven't discused my sexaulity with. My mother knows I'm gay, but she and I agree that it wouldn't be helpful to out myself to my dad.

So, if I throw an open house....and have my straight friends and all my gay friends from my church....well, to be honest, I'm not sure how well the two communities would mix. What do I do?

While I decide, I'm working on haveing a professional photograph taken of me that I will use for my invitation postcards. I also may bring the picture to this blog. So, stay tuned.

Aw....who knows what's going to happen in my life next?

The Wonderful World of Being a Gay Man

While in Nashville this weekend, #2 and I discussed the gay thing at length. She used that term with me that I have grown to loathe….”Having my cake and eating it too!” If you’ll scan back a year or so, you’ll see my posting about the cake issue.

Plainly put, women and men are vastly different. Not only physically, but emotionally and psychologically. So, depending on perspective, the gay issue is a different critter for all involved.

Men compartmentalize their sexual encounters and view it as a pleasureable physical act. Guys tend to be able to keep it recreational better than women. Women tend to have it represent a host of other things both physical and emotional.

I have a lot of gay male friends. Some are involved in hetero marriages, while others are single or involved in committed relationships. Even among gay men, commitment means different things depending on who you ask.

For example, a gay male couple can be committed to each other emotionally, but have all manners of sexual escapades beyond that relationship. Some establish exotic house rules the permit extracurricular relationships. For example:

It’s okay to have sex with other guys as long as you don’t kiss.
It’s okay to have sex with other guys as long as you don’t do it in our bed.
It’s okay to have sex with other guys as long as you don’t come inside him…or he comes inside you.
It’s okay to have sex with other guys as long as you don’t swallow.
It’s okay to have sex with other guys as long as you’re safe.

And so on.

Then there are a lot of the “straight guys” who identify as “bi.” They do this, I think, because it helps them to ease into the gay world a bit….a little at a time. Sadly, in today’s society, it’s a lot more acceptable if you like guys, as long as a naked woman is also present during the action.

But as diverse as the gay male community can be, the relationships that set me on edge involve those guys who say they’re “straight” but just like to have sex with men. A lot of these men, and I know many, indulge in all manner of unprotected gay sex. They then get up…go home and have unprotected hetero sex with their wives and never tell them what’s going on.

Or they willingly perform all manner of gay sex act, but they still identify as straight as long as they don’t kiss another guy…or they aren’t the bottom….
Then there are the monogamously coupled gay guys who wouldn’t think of playing around. God bless ‘em.

What an interesting world in which we all live.

There’s quite a contingent of my readers who are the wives of the men like me.

Like Lovey (sort of.)

And, because there is so much of you that isn’t like Lovey, I owe you a great big apology.

I’ve railed enough about the evil’s of women…like Lovey, Mrs. McGreevey and others who have their own agendas and who allow their anger about having gay husbands push them over the edge into bitterness, hate, etc. It makes them almost scary and unrecognizeable as the person that men like me married.

So I suppose, given the different types of gay men and gay relationships, it’s no wonder that straight wives look at this issue in so many different ways.

I have a profound sense of respect and honor to those women who have made the choice to stand by their husbands and craft a unique path to keep their marriages intact, but still provide safe zones for their husbands to act on their urges and feelings. It’s easy to throw in the towel and say that the marriage is over. It takes substantial guts to make a stand to support your husband as is and to continue to love him unconditionally.

Your husbands are very fortunate to have you.

I know that if you were my wife, I’d cherish you and the ground on which you walked.

The Return

What a nightmare!

On my last day in Nashville, while #2 and I were having a leisurely lunch near her office, we got a tremendous surprise in the form of severe and powerful thunderstorms. They were awful, but since Nashville is in the midst of severe drought, it was okay I suppose.

#2 had one of her male friends drop me to the airport in time for my 5:30 p.m. flight. By the time I had made it through security and arrived at my gate, the flight had been delayed… So we didn’t get off the ground until sometime shortly after 6:30.

The plane was packed and the ride was bumpy in spots.

We got in at Baltimore Washington International at 9:30. I was able to pick up my bags quickly and was on the shuttle for Long Term Parking B in a matter of minutes. “Oh boy,” I thought. “I’ll be home by 10:30.”

That was a laugh of the century.

As I got on the road that leads to the main freeways, I made the brilliant choice of going with the free way I hardly use, simply because it puts on you the D.C. beltway just a little further west, which is closer to the Northern Virginia section in which I live. All I have to do is cross the American Legion Bridge near Great Falls, and their I am!

Wrong choice.

There were a couple of serious accidents involving overturned vehicles and a fatality or two. So I spend about 3 hours trying to get turned around. So, but the time I had gotten home, it was close to 2am. I was up by 5:30, ready for the day! WHEW!

Today, it is everything that I can do to stay awake!

I must say though, my trip to visit my daughter was the highlight of my summer thus far. It was hot. It was tiring. But she is living in a safe and nice place. She only has to contend with one other roommate who seems very nice, very unlike the two controlling “religious” ones she had been living with, who were really making her life quite difficult in that 3 –bedroom apartment.

Before summer is over, I want to go back to Nashville and spend some more quality time with my daughter. She is also planning a visit up here when I throw my “New Beginnings” open house to celebrate my new life as a single man!

She really loves and supports me….as do all the kids….and for this I am so grateful.

Being Misunderstood

This trip to Nashville has been good for me. It's given me the opportunity to sit and to ponder my thoughts. #2 has also quizzed me on various issues about the divorce and during our discussions, I had some "stuff" to surface that allowed me to come to terms with my feelings.

I think the main problem that Frank is dealing with now is the fact that I feel so very misunderstood by Lovey. It bothers me that she continued to tell her side of things with all the misinformation. But there is nothing I can do about that.

For instance, Lovey doesn't know that I loved her in spite of the gay thing. She tells everyone that I would not allow her to buy shoes....or that I was a spendthrift and bought all kinds of electronic toys cuasing us to be in financial ruin. Or that I wouldn't let her be who she was.... Or that I made her life hell. Or, the best thing of all......she had every right to divorce me because of my being gay and being "unfaithful."

I guess all those years where I did support her and all these other falsehoods don't matter...because in her mind, her new truth is all the above.

#2 says that every time she speaks with her mom now, her mom excitedly talks about the newest pair of shoes she bought. She's blown a small fortune on her 4th new computer, her composter, her digital video projector, Word has it now that she is going to buy herself a new Iphone..... The amount of money she's going through is just phenomenal. But then, this is what she always did, and I was left to scramble with coveirng the bills. The only difference is now she doesn't have me to cover them.

I don't like being misunderstood. But there is nothing that I can do to change those perceptions she has set forth for me.

I just need to move on.

Nashville -- Last Day

I'm exhausted.

Pure and simple.

We got #2 all settled in at her new apartment. I didn't know until this weekend, that she found her new roommate on Craig's List. She's no psycho...nobody weird....just a nice all around American girl....who was looking for a nice roommate. And she found #2! They have a very cute apartment in the Brentwood section of Nashville. It's in a gated community. So, I feel really good about #2's safety and wellbeing.

It has been really good spending time with her. I got to see her record a song for a demo that will be distributed all over the place here. At least her voice is being heard by some of the heavy hitters here in the industry.

Meanwhile, #1 sent us pictures from El Salvador. My goodness she has lost so much weight! Yikes! But she's happy in her surroundings...so I can't complain about that....as long as she is doing what she feels that she needs to do.

#2 and I have had several long talks about things. She told me a lot of stories about some of the happiest and favorite moments she has to remember her growing up and her dad.... I looked at her and said, "What memories do you have of your Mom?" She paused a long while and then she said, "My favorite moments with Mom were when she would go out of town to a minister's meeting....or for a long time at school...." We grew silent.

That's probably what hurts me the most about the divorce.....and that is the lack of good memories they have with their mom. Oh, she is trying desperately to make up for those times now. For instance, she is coming down next weekend to Nashville to help #2 make curtains. But #2 knows that it's not going to be a "fun" time, because Lovey is not a "fun" person. This is very sad.

I'm just a little afraid that they are going to have some clashes. But, that isn't my problem now, is it?

Something Super Brief

It has been a virtual whirlwind here trying to get my daughter moved into her new apartment. I have had a few moments to scan emails....and I must say, I am quite touched by hearing from the wives. I seem to have quite a number of them reading this blog, and I must say, what they have said to me backchannel has left me feeling a bit shame-faced. This is primarily because I've been so one sided in my criticism of Lovey....and in her czse, perhaps it was justified. However, these women who have been suffering in silence wile their husbands discover themselves....well, my hat goes off to them with tremendous respect. I'm sure because of your support, ladies, your husband loves you now more than words can express.

I know I would have loved Lovey so much more deeply had she as been as willing to explore things.

But all hat is history. The divorce is over.

Time to move on.

Since my email situation is in questions beginning tonight....and tomorrow night...(with my daughter's new apartment situation), don't run away. I will return with normal posts beginning Monday evening or Tuesday Morning...or BOTH!

Thanks for writing....and your support.

It means a lot to get words of encouragement from you.

Off To Music City USA

Welll, I get to leave for Nashville, Tennessee this evening to spend a litle time with #2. She's moving into her brand new apartment this weekend, and I volunteered to help.

I got a big thank you from Lovey for doing this.

She makes such a big deal out of the smallest action.

But then she always did.

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today, Lovey took all of her "stuff" (followed by later installments) and her cat, to the beautiful Shenandoah Valley and began her new life as the pastor of two United Methodist congregations.

I remember very well the pain and the absolute fear that paralyzed me at the prospect of her leaving. Looking back on all that the feelings were very real, but I don't understand them.

I've had many conversations with a whole lot of men who are married and int he closet. One man I know is contemplating marriage, even though he knows that he can't change, but he's afraid to not give it a try. (In his shoes, I'd be afraid to even think about marrying a woman!)

So what is the fear?

Is it the fear of the unknown?

The untested?

The fear of living a gay life?

In contemplating Lovey's departure, I was afraid of change. I had grown comfortable having a wife that I loved with all my heart (just not with my body). I had my house, my kids, my pets -- everything I could possibly want and in one quick word, it was history. Lovey would be moving.

It hurt.

The pain was indescribable.

I wanted to die.

I couldn't stand the thought of standing and watching the moving truck come and cart her and her stuff away...never to return.

Thankfully, Mr. Brokeback came to my rescue and took me to New Mexico for a few days of R/R. But, oh how I dreaded walking into that house the first time.

It was akin to having a loved one die and you show up at the funeral home for the viewing. You park the car and you look at the entrance to the funeral home. You simply dread what you have to do. There is no way around it. You HAVE got to do it! You walk into that place and you make your way to that open box. You look inside. Pay your respects.

Then leave.

In my case, I walked around the empty house. Mr. Brokeback and #1 were there to offer words of comfort. But I didn't hear any of it. All I could see was the empty house. That house, where once rang children's voices and the laughter of what I thought was a happy family...empty...quiet.

That period of my life has got to be the worst time of my life.

But that was then.

In looking back at that awful time I guess I was most fearful of the unknown. Given how Lovey had changed so drastically since the separation, each new day brought new drama, potential outbursts and profound sadness.

I had no signed separation agreement.

The divorce was not final.

So much was left hanging.

I was so unsure of myself and I guess that to some degree, I'm still unsure of my own abilities and strengths.

Here I am.

Still standing.

After all I've been through.

So I've set some goals for myself: I want to get healthier physically. The diabetes has got to get under better control. This is now my time to concentrate on ME.

I'm working to pay down my bills. The divorce took its toll on me financially. Not only do I have to pay alimony, but I have had thousands of dollars in attorney fees, replace furniture, take care of the house, build the deck and the fence, etc. Will I ever dig my way out?

Finally, I'm keeping my eyes open for a potential life partner. Oh, Mr. Brokeback is the one I love more than I can say, but it probably ain't gonna happen with him, given his responsibilities and family commitments. He also just found out that he is going to be a grandfather! So that's good for several more links in the chains that keep him. I must be realistic.

I'm also working to add some more fun into my life. I plan on doing some more travel. (I'm leaving for Nashville tomorrow night for the weekend to visit #2.)

So, life is looking up...at least for now.

Sometimes though it is so hard to get used to the fact that I'm all alone in the house with the dog. I call the shots now.

But, I've come so very far from where I was one year ago today...

International Day!

Gee, I don't know how you all find me, but in the last few visits to my blog, my guests have included folks from:

Turkey
Spain
Latvia
Lebanon
Norway
Indonesia
Australia
Canada
Kazakhstan
Germany
The United Kingdom
Panama

Welcome to all of you! I hope that my little corner of cyberspace is a blessing!

An Exercise in Gay Pride

In my posting about Gay Pride and the festival here in Washington, DC, I neglected to mention that I did something I’ve not ever done before. I bought a pride ring for myself. It wasn’t very expensive. It’s nothing fancy.

It’s made from stainless steele and has rainbow colored stones on it. Very subtle, but it makes me feel good just the same.

I have kept it on all the time So,much in fact that I forget I have it on.

Today I went to my office cafeteria to get some fresh fruit for breakfast. As the cashier handed me back my change, she looked at the ring and then said, “What a beautiful ring you have there!”

I said, “Yes, it’s my pride ring. I got it at pride last weekend.”

She smiled and nodded, “It’s lovely.”

I thanked her and went to the area of the cafeteria to get my napkins, utensils, and cream for my coffee. As I was standing there, the cashier walks up behind me and asked if I had purchased the ring at Capital Pride or at a pride celebration that was at a particular hotel.

I said, “I got it at a booth at Capital Pride.” Then, as an aside, I whispered, “I just ended a 25 year marriage, and am making baby steps out of the closet!”

“Oh, I understand that completely,” she said. “My girlfriend and I worked at Pride in the hotel.”

A grin washed across my face. She was family! She was smiling at me.

I said, “Pride was so much fun this year.”

“That’s what I heard,” she replied. “I’m sorry that we were stuck inside.”

"I have tons of pictures. I can bring you a disc."

"That would be great!" she said.

Just then she had a customer at her register and had to leave. She told me to have a good day and with that, she was gone.

An Invitation to Dinner

Tonight I came home early to get prepared for my homeowners association board of directors meeting. So, I grabbed a bite to eat at a nearby buffet that I sometimes frequent. I then came home and noticed my answering machine was flashing. Due to the modern wonder of Caller-ID, I found out that someone from the O'Lovey had been trying to reach me....several times.

I also got what appeared to be a phone call from my daughter in El Salvador.

So I called #1 first. She said that she hadn't called, but she was glad that I did. While I was talking with her, the O'Lovey household tried again. I ignored the call, because my child comes first.

While on the phone with her, my cell phone rang and an IM popped up. All from the O'Lovey household. After hanging up the phone from #1, I decided I'd make nice and return the call to see what all the fuss was about.

It was Mom O'Lovey being all friendly and nice. She was inviting me to dinner because she hadn't seen me in such a long time. I explained that I had dinner...but I'd drop by anyway to see her and her sister.

So, I put down my pride and drove down there. Lucky me, I got to see the dentist again. Hmmmmmm.....he seems to be in control......and I detect a rather controlling personality. Upon my arrival, he was on the telephone with Lovey. Lucky man!

He must have talked with her for at least 10-15 minutes on his cell phone. I made sure that I gave them the utmost privacy...so he could chat with her. Maybe I'll be over alimony sometime soon and wedding bells will chime for my X.

With what I sense as his controlling personality......and what I know about hers.....if they hook up, all I can say is that they deserve each other! WHEW!

Mom O'Lovey's sister, who is now living in the O'Lovey household, is a delightful person. She's beginning to lose it due to Alzheimers, but she is a a sweet tempered lady for the most part. I enjoy spending time with her.

Mom O'Lovey was pleasant too. She wants me to come back. And, I think I will just to let them know that I'm doing fine without Lovey. The aunt looked over at me and said, "Frank, you're looking so well....and rested!" I said, "Yes, I am doing well...and I'm resting very well. The Lord has been so good to me."

She agreed.

So, I had a couple of pieces of their pizza. It was great. The company was fine. I was pleasant with the dentist.

Such an interesting evening. But I'm glad that I went.

FLASHBACK -- To a Sicker Time (December 3, 2004)

I was looking through my office archive of email traffic looking for an important document, and I came across the attached email I sent to Lovey on December 3, 2004. I only vaguely remember it. The event(s) have faded from memory, but in reading this, it literally made my blood run cold. It also put knots in my stomach. It definitely puts me right back at that time and I remember what I felt then.

Yes, this looks like the handiwork of someone who has suffered from abuse.....

Oh, it is so much better not to have to have this in my life now...

-----Original Message-----
From: Frank
Sent: Friday, December 03, 2004 12:23 PM
To: Lovey Work (E-mail)
Subject: Thoughts...
Importance: High


Lovey:

I'm not too sure what I can do or say at this point to make things better for you, but I will try through this note. Keep in mind that I love you...

SOME THOUGHTS TO CONSIDER:

I had no clue that:

You were not having happy thoughts about yourself.
You were beating yourself up for all the things you see yourself accomplishing before the holidays and before the kids' arrival.
You were suffering from issues relating to the MSM fiasco.

From my perspective, I felt that I was being "jumped on" for a whole boat load of moving targets. As I addressed each issue, the target changed and ultimately it appeared that nothing I could say or do would make it better for either of us.

When you sat down on the bed last night, and said "I am very angry right now....." right or wrong, this put me on the defensive as I responded "What did I do now?"

From my perspective, since we had scheduled the time to go to Florida for a break, I had been quizzed about a whole host of issues, i.e. what are we going to do about the dog, what are we going to do about the cat, you still haven't moved your stuff to the basement like you said you'd do, etc. When you did this, again, right or wrong, I felt like I was being challenged and made to feel like I'm a lazy lump. Futher when you made me feel like I always leave domestic chores for you, that I show no support for you even when you're ill, that I could care less when, in spite of your illness, you choose to cook and I do not eat what you prepare and so on, I felt backed into a corner...and the need to defend myself. I felt as though all my efforts had been grossly discounted.

Then, when I began defending myself, you went away and sat in the dark. That's why I came downstairs to ask, "What's going on? Why are you down here in the dark?"

Your responses made me concerned to the point of my further asking about the medications you're taking. This was out of concern...

However, I now feel guilty that I ever defended myself, because it caused you enough grief and anguish to not sleep, to be all depressed and to be on edge now. So going forward, this leaves me but two choices:

To continue to defend myself in other similar situations in the future, knowing that the same ending will result, or
To totally accept the fact that all the things you say about me are true and grow silent, just to keep the peace.

Again, from my perspective, I thought the conversation was over when you laid down on the bed. It appeared to me that since I felt I was continually reacting to moving targets throughout the previous discussion, your laying down indicated that you were through.

Now I feel like that I did something wrong because I didn't further the conversation.

So, what am I to do now?

---------------END OF MESSAGE--------------

Growth...Painful Growth

Before I get on with this post, I wanted to say thanks to those of you who wrote me about yourselves during the weekend – and for the pictures. I’m truly amazed at how easily we can connect via the Internet and then to develop very profound friendships with one another. Again, my sincere thanks to each of you who have written. It really does mean a lot to me.

Now, for our regularly scheduled post….

I just heard from another gay married friend of mine. It seems that his Father’s
Day was not as good as he had hoped. It started off good enough, but by the time he returned home in the evening, his wife was cold. When asked what was wrong, she responded by saying, “Nothing.” (Why do you ladies do this?) He has been out to her since he was outted through an anonymous letter sent to her.

To make a very long story much shorter, his 22 year old daughter had found some stuff on dad’s computer, confronted mother. Mother is getting tired of covering for dad when he spends the night out late with friends….or trying to explain his new best friend.

Now my friend is in a dither and in an emotional crisis of what to do. He’s not ready to come out to the daughter, but it looks like she already knows….and well, you know.

So, after pondering all of this, I decided to write him and this is what I sent:

I'm writing this from work, because I felt the need to respond ASAP after I read your email. I have things to say that are more rhetorical than anything. My comments are meant to make you think more before you do anything.

I guess I don't understand your wife's position of not wanting to be the fall guy any longer….or to take the heat any longer for your late nights…change in social activities or whatever it was she said.

Who asked her to do this to begin with?

And from a more blunt perspective, your daughter is 22 years old. You all are adults. Who made the daughter a parent in that your comings and goings should be any of her business?

It seems to me, that while your wife could have referred your daughter's concerns to you, she chose not to. Thus, you are where you are.

What about doing something along these lines? (I have no idea what your relationship is with your wife….or with your daughter or what their personalities are like. If they are controlling the following scenario may upset their apple carts so-to-speak….but so what?)

I (and this is purely my take on this…and should not be interpretive as a directive for you to do anything of the sort) would tell them to get a cup of their favorite beverage and invite them into the family room, deck, or whatever place is comfortable in your home for a chat.

I would then say something to this effect:

"Since last fall, my life has been topsy turvy emotionally. I'm tired of walking on all the eggshells. I need to clear the air.

"I have been dealing with a host of issues related to same sex attraction. I'm in therapy. I'm exploring. I'm trying to get a handle on this. If I don't get a handle on this, I will be a miserable and unhealthy shell of a person and totally unlike the person you have come to know and to love as your husband and father. While I understand this is also traumatic for you, as a wife and a daughter, please know that I love each of you dearly. I am not planning to end my marriage. I am not planning to end my role as a parent. I am the same person you have always known. You both just happen to now know more intimate details of what my struggles have been over the past several years that I have been too afraid to broach. I am not the enemy. I don't like feeling like I am the enemy.

"Now, how can we help each other through all this?"

After you clean up the mess of the spilled beverages…..listen to what they have to say.

Do not fall into the trap of feeling like you must make life altering decisions immediately! No one is forcing any of you to do this, but yourselves. I have found that society likes to have things in neat little packages of right vs. wrong, black vs. white, yes vs. no. Sadly, life is not conducted in safe little packages with pretty red bows on top.

There are many shades of gray between black and white. There are no role models.
Welcome to the world of uncharted waters, my friend. It will get better…but first you have to have the pain.

HUGS,

My friend wrote me back and appreciated my thoughts. He’s taking them to his emergency therapy appointment.

I could not have written this a few months ago. I guess this is a testament to the power of personal growth….very painful and very personal growth.

Comfort Zones

Today was a quiet Father's Day.

It's probably the most quiet one I have experienced in the 23 years of my being a parent...and it was the first one I have celebrated alone.

All of my kids are gone.

But I did hear from ALL of them and they are happy and doing well.

Even the marine is doing good and is expecting to come spend some time with the "old man" during the week of July 4.

So, that's cool.

Today I did one of those things that I don't like to do. I went beyond my comfort zone and and did some reaching out.

Let me describe in greater detail.

I got to church really early this morning because I was asked to serve communion. This was the first time that I have done something like this in a ton of years. It felt SOOOO good. It was a powerful experience and it felt really good to minister to people. I smile so much at this church now, that when I come home, my jaws are tired!

But I'm being honest when I say this. It is such a relief to be authentic...and not feel like someone is going to take their Bible and hit you across the face with it, just because you happen to be queer. What a relief.

After church I mingled. I do enjoy this part of things too...because I've made some very dear friends and it means a lot to look them in the eyes and tell them just how much I love them and then wrap them in a big bear hug.

For the past few Sundays, there has been a new guy attending. He is such a beautful man. Let's refer to him as blonde buff guy! (BBG) Oh, if I let myself, I could be swept away. ..and fall completely in love. He is definitely trophy husband material. I understand through the grapevine that he is single. (Why, I don't know.) I also know that there is a gentleman who has already been quite aggressive with him in terms of making his interests be known, but I also have heard that this aggression is being quite a turnoff to this man.

I've decided that there are a number of things that I never want to be accused of at my church.

I don't ever want to be accused of being one of those old trolls that hit on every new attractive guy that walks in the door. It is my belief that I come to church to fellowship with my friends and fellow believers. I'm a genuinely loving, giving and gentle person.

I never want to be accused of having a hidden agenda. I have no agenda. So I just want to be accepted at face value.

Finally, I don't want to be seen as being a desperate old troll...hitting on anything that moves. I have some standards actually. Besides, I still have Mr. Brokeback, who is very much trophy husband material himself. I'm quite content with having him in my life....it's just that he is not available 24/7. This could all change one day...but for now...it's just not happening.

Which brings me back to BBG.

I made myself go over and chat with him. He was friendly. We were both approached about being on the welcoming committee and helping with being greeters. He and I both agreed to do it. So we'll see how that goes.

But then, I took the scary step of writing down my name, my email address and my cellphone number. I invited him to call me up sometime. I told him that since he was new to the area, I know all the cool places to eat and would be delighted to have his company.

He smiled...nodded and thanked me. He said he would.

So, I'm leaving it there. No fuss. No muss. I'm not going to be chasing after him, or pining after him.

This reminds me of how sadly inexperienced I am in the art of dating. My wife was the first person I ever dated and we ended up married for 25 years. And now we see how well that all turned out don't we?

Today I went way out of my comfort zone. I probably will never hear anything from this guy because guys that look like him, rarely are interested in men that look like me.

This is hard.