Growth...Painful Growth

Before I get on with this post, I wanted to say thanks to those of you who wrote me about yourselves during the weekend – and for the pictures. I’m truly amazed at how easily we can connect via the Internet and then to develop very profound friendships with one another. Again, my sincere thanks to each of you who have written. It really does mean a lot to me.

Now, for our regularly scheduled post….

I just heard from another gay married friend of mine. It seems that his Father’s
Day was not as good as he had hoped. It started off good enough, but by the time he returned home in the evening, his wife was cold. When asked what was wrong, she responded by saying, “Nothing.” (Why do you ladies do this?) He has been out to her since he was outted through an anonymous letter sent to her.

To make a very long story much shorter, his 22 year old daughter had found some stuff on dad’s computer, confronted mother. Mother is getting tired of covering for dad when he spends the night out late with friends….or trying to explain his new best friend.

Now my friend is in a dither and in an emotional crisis of what to do. He’s not ready to come out to the daughter, but it looks like she already knows….and well, you know.

So, after pondering all of this, I decided to write him and this is what I sent:

I'm writing this from work, because I felt the need to respond ASAP after I read your email. I have things to say that are more rhetorical than anything. My comments are meant to make you think more before you do anything.

I guess I don't understand your wife's position of not wanting to be the fall guy any longer….or to take the heat any longer for your late nights…change in social activities or whatever it was she said.

Who asked her to do this to begin with?

And from a more blunt perspective, your daughter is 22 years old. You all are adults. Who made the daughter a parent in that your comings and goings should be any of her business?

It seems to me, that while your wife could have referred your daughter's concerns to you, she chose not to. Thus, you are where you are.

What about doing something along these lines? (I have no idea what your relationship is with your wife….or with your daughter or what their personalities are like. If they are controlling the following scenario may upset their apple carts so-to-speak….but so what?)

I (and this is purely my take on this…and should not be interpretive as a directive for you to do anything of the sort) would tell them to get a cup of their favorite beverage and invite them into the family room, deck, or whatever place is comfortable in your home for a chat.

I would then say something to this effect:

"Since last fall, my life has been topsy turvy emotionally. I'm tired of walking on all the eggshells. I need to clear the air.

"I have been dealing with a host of issues related to same sex attraction. I'm in therapy. I'm exploring. I'm trying to get a handle on this. If I don't get a handle on this, I will be a miserable and unhealthy shell of a person and totally unlike the person you have come to know and to love as your husband and father. While I understand this is also traumatic for you, as a wife and a daughter, please know that I love each of you dearly. I am not planning to end my marriage. I am not planning to end my role as a parent. I am the same person you have always known. You both just happen to now know more intimate details of what my struggles have been over the past several years that I have been too afraid to broach. I am not the enemy. I don't like feeling like I am the enemy.

"Now, how can we help each other through all this?"

After you clean up the mess of the spilled beverages…..listen to what they have to say.

Do not fall into the trap of feeling like you must make life altering decisions immediately! No one is forcing any of you to do this, but yourselves. I have found that society likes to have things in neat little packages of right vs. wrong, black vs. white, yes vs. no. Sadly, life is not conducted in safe little packages with pretty red bows on top.

There are many shades of gray between black and white. There are no role models.
Welcome to the world of uncharted waters, my friend. It will get better…but first you have to have the pain.

HUGS,

My friend wrote me back and appreciated my thoughts. He’s taking them to his emergency therapy appointment.

I could not have written this a few months ago. I guess this is a testament to the power of personal growth….very painful and very personal growth.