Flashback

Here's a posting that I prepared, but never published here. It was written during one of my many LOW periods from the time of my separation...very early on in my blog writing. I marvel at just how far I have come.

From 2006:

I am trying....

To get over this fog... I'm tired.....

of the anger....the guilt......the bitterness....

I personally know someone in the Christian World who was fairly well known a few years ago. She was quite successful in all that she did. She wrote, and her books sold. She was a sought after speaker. She has graced the stage with the likes of Billy Graham and Johnny Cash. She had a successful film series that went to all the churches. She recorded for a prestigious Christian Music label.

She knew all the heavy hitters in the Christian World at the time.

Then she had a divorce...not her idea.

No, this had nothing to do with the gay issue. She was about as straight as they come...

BUT...she suffered from some of the angst I am now facing... All her friends turned on her...her bookings dried up. Her record label ditched her. Her publisher dropped her. Why? Because she got a divorce and it wasn't her idea. Her husband moved out of their home during her recovery from cancer surgery!

At the time, she wrote something that appeared in one of her books. It spoke to me then....and continues to speek now.....to me...and pretty much sums up my feelings for the moment:

"The Un-Feeling"

"Unwanted
Unusable
Unimportant
Unnecessary
Unworthy
Unforgivable
Unpardonable
Unaccewptable
Uneffective
Unqualified
Unclean
Unholy
Unloved"

I am wanted and loved by a few folks.... But the rest of that list pretty much sums up my feelings on about every other level.

Yes, I still consider myself to be a Christian. Just not a very victorious one right now.

I don't mean to sound like a drama queen here, but here I sit....getting ready for bed. I'm very disappointed in myself. My life is not anything like I had wanted...what I had planned.

Oh, there are some nice things....I am determined to land on my feet.

BUT....oh the feelings of FAILURE...I don't like to fail....

But here I am. Feeling as though I have gone through a treadmill of defeat....failure.....feelings as though God is a million miles away....and here I am...all battered and blue.....face down in the dust. Scarred....scorn.....dirty.....alone......battling all my demons.

********

WOW!

Such drama there! I can remember my angst. My pain.

At this moment, I am almost at the 4 month mark after the final divorce decree. It hasn't always been easy. But I have landed on my feet....and I'm moving forward.

Thankfully.