Good morning everyone!
Meet Josh!
This is my son, the marine who, as I write this, is now walking through the sands of Al Assad, Iraq.
This weekend was a bad one for me. Not because of my drama or issues, but simply because I'm a dad, and my son is in the military, and he left for a war zone at midnight on Sunday.
His mom and I traveled to be with him for his last few hours before departure. It was certainly a time of bittersweet memories and reflection.
Josh and Lovey have had an "interesting" relationship through the years. The past few weeks have been a bit testy and I vowed to not insert myself into their issues. As a matter of fact, when they had their periodic blowups on this trip, I separated myself and let them work on their issues.
WHEW!
When he left, we were all in good spirits....tears flowed....and he left...happy and secure, knowing that both parents loved him beyond measure and that we supported him.
Going to Camp Lejeune and returning from it, I was with Lovey. We shared expenses (I drove), and she also shared the expenses of a hotel room for two nights. (No, she didn't jump my bones...nor I her's.)
I must say, that while we alone together, it gave me the opportunity to clear the air...at least from my perspective.
For over two years now, I've had a lot building up inside of me. I was hurting....I had been hurt.....I let her know how I felt. Not in a hateful way....but just in a very quiet voice.
She told me all that she felt too.
We talked and talked and talked some more. Apparently she had made the decision to divorce based on flawed information or warped perceptions. She then proceeded with the divorce and in her mind demonized me.
Translated, I think it was the onset of menopause that drove her a bit nuts.....and I think that things have not worked out necessarily the way she thought it would.
I found out also on this trip, that I still have feelings for Lovey....and I was amazed at this. But I proceeded cautiously in all that we discussed.
She told me as we unloaded the car, and I helped her to pack her car for her trip back to the Shenandoah Valley, that she now loved and cared for me more deeply that she had at any time over the past 2 and 1/2 years. I paused.
I told her that no matter what she did in the future.....or how man times she dates.....or what man she finds herself marrying....that none of them will love her any more that what I do.
Plain and simple.
She began to sob.
Tears fell down my cheeks and I continued packing her car.
7 comments:
Now, Frank, I know revenge is sweet. And it may be how you felt and it may be true, but what you told Lovey in the end was just plain cruel.
But I guess I really don't know how much she put you through, so who am I to judge?
Please re-read my post. I am not a cruel person..... I said what I feel.
Frank, from what I read, you said the right things. Yes, you love her, but as a gay man. I don't think you were trying to "get her back." But then I hear those words in a particular way because I feel much the same way about my wife.
Even though we have separated and are moving toward divorce, I still love her. But I can only love her as the gay man that I am. There is much about love that I do not know or understand. Maybe it comes down to semantics: should I say "care for," or "hold in highest regard" instead of saying "love"?
Those things do not seem to express the love, concern, care that I truly feel. But, no, I do not want to get back with my wife. And I hope Lovey would not hear your words as manipulative but caring.
Sounds like you have begun some important healing. The two of you will ALWAYS be connected, through your children. ANd I hope it can be a good and caring connection.
Shalom, "Joe"
I'd be afraid of it being turned against me some day. But, we all filter our advice through our experiences.
People that we have shared our lives with for many years and through the raising of our children must of necessity hold a very special place in our lives that honestly no one else ever can. That said, for gay men like us, there are also certain roles that our wives are not “equipped” to fill. Society espouses, and many of us buy into the notion that we cast one person for all these roles; in our case that can not work. That does not mean that we love the people any less, love is not a constrained resource. Our time and energy may be constrained, which force us to modify or even dissolve our marriage contracts – and the renegotiation may hurt, but our love, if it ever existed, usually remains.
I'm glad you saw your son out, it's really tough being in the military and having you guys there to see him off, means a heck of a lot. Continue to give him hope and support, be strong for him and don't waste any chance to letting him know you love him.
Lovey: I'm glad you had that time to "clear the air", you've had a lot of hard feelings for each other for so long from the divorce, I feel it's getting back to reality where you have to admit that you guys do and still continue to care for each other. I'm also not so sure about the fact that you are "gay" and can love her so much, but I also feel we have a great capacity to love others as much as we want and that our love for others is not clearly black and white, gay/straight. Words are tricky things, so I hope she got the wrong message...
oops, I meant "I hope she didn't get the wrong message"
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