Reflections on the Picture

Back on March 22 of this year, I wrote the story of the picture that defines this blog. In that entry I said,

"You can't see it, but my head is racing and I'm experiencing a ton of new feelings that are on the verge of swamping me in depression. I did not know what was up ahead. Looking around at my new surroundings...alone. Frightened and hurt in the situation I found myself in. Remembering how my life used to be, versus how it was at the time. That picture becomes very poignant when one knows the point in time it captures. It shows a divorcing gay man, whose world is in total chaos trying to process it all...trying to hold it all together."

It has now been two years since the picture was taken that I use as the centerpiece of my blog. It's very symbolic of where I was at the time.

The picture was taken just about three months after Lovey had lowered the boom and announced her plans. I was frightened -- not sure of what lay around the bend. If you look closely at the picture, what lies ahead looks dark and even foreboding.

Having never personally experienced separation and divorce personally, I was full of fear and was afraid basically of what was around the bend. I was even frightened of my own shadow.

But I kept moving forward.

Here we are two years almost exactly to the day. I took an updated picture of the winding country road where the original shot was taken. Once again this latest version serves as an appropriate metaphor of where I am today. Can you see the subtle differences between it and the original?

For one thing, it is still very clear that the future is unknown. One just doesn't know what lies around that curve. However, in exploring this place first hand this past weekend, I noticed that things are quite a bit brighter than they had been originally.

In that original photograph, it looks as if I am gingerly selecting my steps and there are only very small patches of sunlight that appear on the road. I appear to be heading straight for one such small patch. In actuality, I felt almost desperate to grab onto anything that would keep me afloat emotionally.

The new picture is much brighter. The whole path is brightly illuminated. While there are still patches of sunlight striking the path ahead, they aren't nearly as prominent, because the whole path is illuminated and as you move forward to the curve things only become brighter -- not darker as it had appeared in the original.

Since I attended the church retreat back in August, I'm very sensitive to the light shining on my path. I'm also taken by the concepts of paths and following the correct one. When I saw how much this path had changed, I had to take a picture because it represents me and just how much I have changed.

Finally, I'm amazed at the color. The pictures were taken at nearly the same time of day and almost at the exact same spot with the very same camera. Yet, the colors are so much more vivid in the newest picture. This fact represents the fact that I'm now in control of my own life and able to stop and take in the world around me. I can pause and take a deep breath of fresh air if I want to. I can look around and think -- even meditate.

Life at my house is peaceful and tranquil. There are no arguments and no yelling. No slamming doors or stomping up the stairs.

Yes, I'm living my life quietly.

What a difference two years makes.