Sunday, September 30, 2007

Wistful thinking!

This has been a very quiet weekend. It began by my sleeping in to catch up from my night out with the boys.

I've stayed inside....did some errands including having the car inspected, hair cut, groceries, etc.

But I have had many moments of reflection -- thinking about my life as it now is....as it was. I've grown so much and I am so very thankful for having landed on my feet following the terrible divorce. It's just hard to figure out where my life is headed.

When I began my federal career almost 30 years ago, I attended a training course that said you should have goals in your life or you'll not get too far. Well, at this moment in my life, I don't have any goals. The only thing I want to do is to keep healthy and to be successful. But this is just kind of nebulous. It's not specific. I just feel now that I am bobbing and weaving throug life...and it is not a good feeling.

I'm learning just how difficult living life as a gay man can be. On Friday as I spent time with the boys, I noticed terrible examples of ageism. Sadly, if you're not young...or buff.....or tall, dark and handsome, it looks like that life will pass you by....and you'll be left alone.

I'm not young....I'm not buff. I am tall, but not dark (silver maybe?) and to be honest, I'm not sure if you would label me as handsome or not. But, let me put it this way, I wasn't turning heads of anyone. So, I think that one fact gives me a hint. And I need to get used to it.

But the question I really have yet to answer is....honestly....do I want a partner?

Do I want to be accountable to someone?

Do I want to experience all the drama of having another person.....another family.....another set of issues introduced into my life?

Honestly, I don't have an answer to that. I'm still working on it.

So many times I reflect on my life....and how simple it seemed at one time. I find myself longing for those simpler times, but I fear that they are long gone...and never to return.

2 comments:

Marlan said...

You're asking some good, tough questions about future partnerships--ones that I've asked myself and have seen others in our age group ask also.

It seems to me that many men our age (50s) don't really need partners.

So, I don't know the answer--maybe that will happen in 10-20 years, when we do need them.

Anonymous said...

Hey Frank... great thoughts.

My 94-y/o grandpa died on Sunday after a great life and with a good death. (He flew from Texas to Minnesota in good health and spirits in August, health issues hit 3 weeks ago, and he got to leave us on his own terms -- no extreme lifesaving measures.) That has me thinking about some of the same stuff.

He and Grandma had 62 years together before she died in 1999. They ran their own newspaper for 25 years, never making them wealthy, and got out of it in their late 50s to simplify their lives while continuing to work into their early 70s.

One of the goals I take from them is to live simply. That brings me more peace than pushing myself toward a bigger or better career or car.

And, while I'm content being single for now (and not in an ideal place to be dating or hoping for a relationship anyway), I do think about wanting to be partnered again at some point in the future. The healthy phases of the significant relationships I've had have brought much more gift than stress... the simplicity of being and having a sounding board at the end of the day... the sense of sharing a mission... the comfort of being deeply known, and of knowing another deeply.

Who knows how that may turn out over the longer term... but the image of connecting with a significant other that way gives me comfort and hope.

Take care...