I Guess I'm VERY Old Fashioned

I've arrived at the conclusion that I am a very old fashioned guy.

I don't think I'm your typical gay guy.

Oh, I've had those rites of passage kinds of experiences. I've explored. I've tried various things. I've tasted serious love with another man. My gayness has cost me my marriage. I've wasted many, many good years and been so unsure of myself. I've spent a hunk of my life feeling like a pervert. I've been so unsure of myself.

I've spent so many miserable hours.......crying....praying.......trying to change. I tried so hard.

But it's just not something that will happen for me. For whatever reason, this is the hand that was dealt to me and I have to be comfortable with that.

An interesting thing happened to me today. A good friend of mine called to say that he was in town for the Mid Atlantic Leather convention in Washington. He wanted to know if I could come and meet him and spend some time with him.

Well, summarize, he and I got to spend some time visiting.....and then he told me that he wanted me to go the the Mid Atlantic Leather exhibit hall.

I should preface this by saying that I've always been attracted to men in uniforms.....and yes, certain types of leather outfits tended to catch my attention. Well, I practically went into cardiac arrest when I saw the hundreds and hundreds of men who were circulating throughout the hotel.....and in the exhibit hall. The testosterone was flowing so thickly, it was almost hard to breathe.

Men in uniforms......men in athletic supporters.......barechested men..........naked men trying on various garments.......and there was graphic porn playing everywhere. On top of all this, there were all kinds of items for sale. Athletic supporters, dildos, chastity belts and paraphenalia, porn, music to fist and to do other things by, testicle crushers, rubber outfits, leather outfits, electrical torture equipment, restraints, whips, chains, harnesses, etc. I saw a good looking man walking around with out a shirt, and his back was totally covered in scratches. It looked like he had really been flogged very hard

I then turned a corner and went into another exhibit area, and there was a man kneeling in front of another man, doing what a man does usually in a position like that to please another man.

I was shocked.

Maybe it was sensory overload?

I just don't know how else to describe it.

But after my friend had led me through all the exhibit area, he asked if I could drop him at a restaurant to meet his "sir." (This is the man that he is currently having a relationship of sorts with. He was concerned that because he was late, that it was going to be a sign of disrespect to him....ick.)

As we headed to the restaurant, I said to my friend, "You know. I've got to process all this. This was all so extreme. "

He said, "Yes, it is. But what you're seeing Frank, is a group of guys that are into all kinds of recreational sexual activities."

"But," I said. "I'm not into this.....I'm interested in one day having one special guy.....for a regular relationship based on love. I think my problem at this gathering is, I just don't see any sign of love. I've seen all kinds of animalistic sex....and celebration of maleness..... I've seen ample displays of unsafe sex. But I just don't see any evidence of love."

"We stay away from the L word," my friend said. "But we can have lots and lots of intimate friends."

It bothered me.

And, it still does.

My view of the world of leather has changed based on my experience this afternoon. This is just not the life I want.

I'm a very old fashioned guy....and just looking for a one man, man. A man that wants to build a life with one special guy.

Plain vanilla.

That's what I yearn for.

Some day.