Sunday, January 27, 2008

Wisdom Comes with Age

I got up really early this morning.

It seems like this is the new pattern for me. Years ago, I'd try to sleep as long as possible before the family and I would head to church. Weekends were generally a blur of church-related activities. I was the head of the Sunday School Department; I was Chairman of the Board of Deacons; I was the choir director, newsletter editor, and prepared the Sunday Morning bulletin. On top of all that, I handled publication of the church's telephone directory.

Now looking back at that time period, I feel really sorry for myself. I was so busy with church work, it didn't allow much time for me to be occupied with the gay thing.

Perhaps, I should say it didnt' give me much time to explore the gay world.

So, I spent a lot of sleepless nights...having unhealthy thoughts behind the happy Christian facade.

Wisdom does come with age.

So, I guess this is why I feel so paternal around some of my younger gay brothers from my current church. Aw, they all seem so well-adjusted. The majority of whom are partnered. Still, it's the younger ones that I find myself wanting to just wrap in my arms and say....."Dare to be who you are....and enjoy life. It's a different time. It's a different place now."

Wow, when I was in high school....and junior high for that matter, I was totally miserable. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I was always labeled the class faggot.....and it HURT. Because I knew it was true.....the words were said with such disgust...and hatred.

The hurt penetrated my very bones.

The teachers would just turn a blind eye to it all.

By the time I came home in the evening, I was emotionally spent -- a wreck.

I never told my parents.

But this is when I began the massive construction project in my mind that I am working so hard to dismantle today. I built tall sturdy walls. I isolated myself. I became very shy when it came to being around others. I felt that if I opened my mouth, "gay" would fall out and then the words of derision, hatred, and hut would pile on.

So it was at that point I decided to through myself at my studies full force. I became known as the class "brain"....and "Mr. Responsibility."

But still I was alone.

Yes, I do have a very protective streak when it comes to some of my very young gay friends. I don't want to see anyone hurt them....or belittle them. I'm so very proud of them....for living openly and proudly with the partners of their dreams.....

Maybe one day I will be able to do the same.

1 comment:

Vic Mansfield said...

And aren't we glad that our younger brethren CAN have some freedom we never knew, AND was not really possible then. But this is now, and we don't have to relive that old . . . shtuff.

But I too know it is difficult to let go