Thursday, January 31, 2008

Reclaiming My Life


Slowly, but surely, Frank is coming back – and I think he is much better than ever!

I sense it in very subtle ways:

• I’m laughing more;
• I’m feeling more in control of my life;
• I’m feeling more motivated on my job;
• My creativity is beginning to bounce back;
• My feelings of self-worth are improving.

And the list goes on.

In looking back at the last 7 or so years of my life, I didn’t realize just how bad things had gotten. It sort of slipped up on me.

The sadness….the depression….the feelings of failure…..the feelings of being off-track and not having the faintest idea of how to get with the program again.

It’s a very lonely and helpless feeling.

Most of my days were spent going through the motions.

There was also a relatively new feeling of not caring much about anything anymore. Not caring about doing a good job….or of being a good person – after all, I was told that I was a horrible husband and how I took advantage of other less advantaged people. It seemed that no matter what I did to try and improve things, nothing worked. So why should I try?

It has certainly been a nightmare situation.

I remember being happy and full of excitement about the challenges of each new day. It was just good to be alive. I was ever the eternal optimist -- regardless of my situation. I wasn't afraid of taking risks.....personally and professionally. I trusted myself.

Somewhere along the way I lost it all. My heart and life were full of dread, fear, and uncertainty. I was saddened by most everything. I began to second guess my core beliefs. I became unsure of myself. I lost site of the trust I once had in being ME.

Things are improving.

It kind of reminds me of having been sick throughout a long and dreary night. But outside the window, you see glimmers of the coming dawn -- and the promise of a new day.

I'm at that point in my life.

There's the faintest of glows in the eastern sky....

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Frank;
The spark of life makes anyone, but especially a gay man, fabulous. You are becoming a mister right.
Rick

john said...

Happy journey back!!

Unknown said...

Very nice, very poetic. Glad to hear that you are getting back the old optimistic you. That will stand you in good stead as you move ahead.