Trying to get this house already for the big party is slow going at best. I the past few months I have gotten innumerable amounts of garbage back full of shredded papers, the kids junk, and my junk thrown out. But as I look around, I seem to have tons more. I'm simply worn out.
I'll just keep doing a little bit at a time....and it gets done when it gets done.
Meanwhile, I've gotten responses from 48 people saying they are coming to my gathering. I've still not heard from two or three key families that I hope to hear from. So, we'll see.
My professional landscaping was completed yesterday. I loved the big old boxwoods that adorned the front of my property. However, they were beginnin to die...and there wasn't anything I could do with them. So, I had them taken totally out...and I have 15 news ones installed in their place. I also had a host of plants put in that should guarantee that something is blooming year round. I'll run before and after shots after I make it through this weekend.
Mom and Dad are on their way here as I write this. They are riding the train. Dad is little bit scary driving his car....and mother doesn't wish to offend him. So, she suggested the train... They've never done this before so I hope they have a really good time.
Stay tuned for periodic updates...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Zinged Again!
What is it with gay people....gay men in particular?
All seems to go well, and then the next day....ZING!
All was not as it appeared.
They didn't feel a connection or "It's me, not you. I'm sorry!"
Or...."You need therapy because any gay man in his right mind would never marry a woman under any circumstance."
It's enough to give a guy like me a complex and ask the question, "What's wrong with me?"
I think I ought to dump the fairy dust and put my magic wand away!
All seems to go well, and then the next day....ZING!
All was not as it appeared.
They didn't feel a connection or "It's me, not you. I'm sorry!"
Or...."You need therapy because any gay man in his right mind would never marry a woman under any circumstance."
It's enough to give a guy like me a complex and ask the question, "What's wrong with me?"
I think I ought to dump the fairy dust and put my magic wand away!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Sunday Late Night
I've had a really busy day capped off by a little television. I find myself wired, so here I sit...my faithful pet at my side and I need to write this.
I guess right now the big thing in my life right now is the incredible loneliness that I feel on a personal level. The way I appear to be dealing with this is by keeping busy -- active in my church, working like crazy at the office and keeping very strange hours, and visiting with all my friends over meals...over cards.....on the telephone....via email.
While all this is a good way to deal with what's bugging me...at the end of the day as I prepare for bed in my house this is when it strikes -- the yearning and need to have someone near or at least to talk to. That special someone that I could spoon with as I drift off to sleep.....and lay there in the dark and talk about our day.....and reflect on the adventures we've had.
I used to do this with Lovey.
One of the many complaints she used to level at me was my lack of physical affection towards her. She never could quite seem to get the fact that a great deal of the time she was cold and prickly....complaining about this ache or that pain. It became a litany of bodily part failure. It got old.
But at night...when the lights went out....and she drifted off to sleep, I'd put my arm around her......hold her close.....and pray for her. She never knew this and of course, I always heard about how unspiritual I was. I guess she thought I was a heathen. But I was always confident of my spirituality....and I was always praying for her. She just wasn't ever conscious of it.
I miss that.
The closeness.
The specialness.
The praying for a loved one.
Oh I guess I could continue praying for Lovey. But I just don't feel the need to. After all, I feel as though I've been kicked to the curb and nothing I can say or do, changes history or perception.
So, someway and somehow, I need to dust myself off and realize that as a gay man, there is a better than average possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone.
mmmmm
That prospect hurts. It hurts really bad.
Especially late on a Sunday night after a very busy day at church.....and at home....
I guess right now the big thing in my life right now is the incredible loneliness that I feel on a personal level. The way I appear to be dealing with this is by keeping busy -- active in my church, working like crazy at the office and keeping very strange hours, and visiting with all my friends over meals...over cards.....on the telephone....via email.
While all this is a good way to deal with what's bugging me...at the end of the day as I prepare for bed in my house this is when it strikes -- the yearning and need to have someone near or at least to talk to. That special someone that I could spoon with as I drift off to sleep.....and lay there in the dark and talk about our day.....and reflect on the adventures we've had.
I used to do this with Lovey.
One of the many complaints she used to level at me was my lack of physical affection towards her. She never could quite seem to get the fact that a great deal of the time she was cold and prickly....complaining about this ache or that pain. It became a litany of bodily part failure. It got old.
But at night...when the lights went out....and she drifted off to sleep, I'd put my arm around her......hold her close.....and pray for her. She never knew this and of course, I always heard about how unspiritual I was. I guess she thought I was a heathen. But I was always confident of my spirituality....and I was always praying for her. She just wasn't ever conscious of it.
I miss that.
The closeness.
The specialness.
The praying for a loved one.
Oh I guess I could continue praying for Lovey. But I just don't feel the need to. After all, I feel as though I've been kicked to the curb and nothing I can say or do, changes history or perception.
So, someway and somehow, I need to dust myself off and realize that as a gay man, there is a better than average possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone.
mmmmm
That prospect hurts. It hurts really bad.
Especially late on a Sunday night after a very busy day at church.....and at home....
An Evening Out
Yesterday I was out late because I did something I've not ever done before. I attended an AIDS benefit for one of those big AIDS organizations here in Northern Virginia. It was held at the Torpedo Factory which is located on the Alexandria Waterfront.
What a neat place.....AND a neat function. My favorite activity was watching the DC Cowboys, an all male hunky dance troup, strut their stuff!
My church was involved in it as well....and we all met at my favorite MEXICAN RESTAURANT prior to the event.
As I've said before, it's wonderful just spending time with the "Boys".
Hundreds of people were at the gathering. I milled around and mingled. I bumped into other church people who had gone to this event. I also ran into a number of other people that I knew from other organizations I'm involved with. So, I was not a wall flower.
But as I mingled with the masses, I was still taken by all the couples that were there. Everywhere I seemed to turn, there were couples......gay couples, lesbian couples, straight couples, etc.
That old familiar ache crept into my soul -- not a sexual lust, but rather the old familiar loneliness of feeling like the only single person there.
It's getting to be my constant companion these days and it scares me a bit. Why? Because I'm afraid that I'll want to jump at the "first thing" that comes along, which may not be the best thing. So, I'm trying to downplay the loneliness......the longing...the hoping....etc.
By the time I got home at midnight, I was totally worn out by the stress of it all.
This is so much harder than it seems it should be.
What a neat place.....AND a neat function. My favorite activity was watching the DC Cowboys, an all male hunky dance troup, strut their stuff!
My church was involved in it as well....and we all met at my favorite MEXICAN RESTAURANT prior to the event.
As I've said before, it's wonderful just spending time with the "Boys".
Hundreds of people were at the gathering. I milled around and mingled. I bumped into other church people who had gone to this event. I also ran into a number of other people that I knew from other organizations I'm involved with. So, I was not a wall flower.
But as I mingled with the masses, I was still taken by all the couples that were there. Everywhere I seemed to turn, there were couples......gay couples, lesbian couples, straight couples, etc.
That old familiar ache crept into my soul -- not a sexual lust, but rather the old familiar loneliness of feeling like the only single person there.
It's getting to be my constant companion these days and it scares me a bit. Why? Because I'm afraid that I'll want to jump at the "first thing" that comes along, which may not be the best thing. So, I'm trying to downplay the loneliness......the longing...the hoping....etc.
By the time I got home at midnight, I was totally worn out by the stress of it all.
This is so much harder than it seems it should be.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Several Giant Steps Backward!
I had a long talk with one of my coworkers today. She went through a painful divorce four years ago and had been married for 18 years.
She said that it was the most traumatic thing she has ever had to face....and that here, four years later, is she just now getting back to her "old self."
Well, I was feeling kind of smug about my on life when she was telling me about hers. I mean, here I sat, (I told myself) after over 25 years of marriage.....divorced for almost one.....and doing rather well....feeling foxy.....looking forward to turning 50 years old.
WOW.
So I listened to all she said with interest....and kept silent.
When I got home this evening....all hell broke loose.
I received my first birthday card. It read:
"Happy 50th! Welcome to the club!" Then, in handwriting that I know all too well was written: "May 1, 2008. Dear Frank, I hope that the fifties and future decades are kind to you. You deserve it! Fondly, Lovey"
I really wish she hadn't done that.
It sent me into a tailspin....that certainly brought me to reality fairly quickly... I'm certainly not smug about where I am in my life after divorce after that.
It's as if she stabbed me with a sharp two edged knife....jammed it into me....and then for effect twisted it back and forth several times.
Now I'm left to bleed out all over everything....
It hurts.
Bad.
Why did she do that?
She said that it was the most traumatic thing she has ever had to face....and that here, four years later, is she just now getting back to her "old self."
Well, I was feeling kind of smug about my on life when she was telling me about hers. I mean, here I sat, (I told myself) after over 25 years of marriage.....divorced for almost one.....and doing rather well....feeling foxy.....looking forward to turning 50 years old.
WOW.
So I listened to all she said with interest....and kept silent.
When I got home this evening....all hell broke loose.
I received my first birthday card. It read:
"Happy 50th! Welcome to the club!" Then, in handwriting that I know all too well was written: "May 1, 2008. Dear Frank, I hope that the fifties and future decades are kind to you. You deserve it! Fondly, Lovey"
I really wish she hadn't done that.
It sent me into a tailspin....that certainly brought me to reality fairly quickly... I'm certainly not smug about where I am in my life after divorce after that.
It's as if she stabbed me with a sharp two edged knife....jammed it into me....and then for effect twisted it back and forth several times.
Now I'm left to bleed out all over everything....
It hurts.
Bad.
Why did she do that?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
A Quiet Start
It's another new day. I'm awake...feeling halfway decent.....my dog is snoring at my side.
There's something about mornings that are so conducive about reflecting. I do that a lot these days.
It's funny because I remember all the arguments Lovey and I used to have because she thought I was a carnal Christian...never thinking on spiritual things....being "crass".... She loved that word. Everything was "crass" to her.....you couldn't tell a joke to make people laugh....or a funny story even.
But, here I sit....with my dog....and allowing myself time to renew my spirit. Gee...I AM spiritual after all.
Those discussions of ours did nothing to help my self-esteem. I found myself just shutting down in so many areas.
When you're married to a spiritual giant, then why bother. There's enought there for all interested parties.
EEK.
But the neat thing about all this is that as I approach 50, I'm enjoying the Frank that's living now. He's kind....he's gentle.....he's getting back to his happy-go-lucky self. He's content for the most part. AND, he's getting in touch with his spirituality. It has been such a long time coming.
The key is remaining centered in my life....and to remember what is important.....and what is not. Remember who is important in my life and who is not.
And most of all, to be thankful for all that I have had throughout my life.....and be thankful for the experience......the learning....the growing..
My church's retreat is in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to that time of renewal. Last year's was so very special. I've thought about it so many times....and tried to learn from that as well. This year, they've asked me to do a reading.
It is so good being involved in a church that cares about me....and that likes for me to part of things.
There's something about mornings that are so conducive about reflecting. I do that a lot these days.
It's funny because I remember all the arguments Lovey and I used to have because she thought I was a carnal Christian...never thinking on spiritual things....being "crass".... She loved that word. Everything was "crass" to her.....you couldn't tell a joke to make people laugh....or a funny story even.
But, here I sit....with my dog....and allowing myself time to renew my spirit. Gee...I AM spiritual after all.
Those discussions of ours did nothing to help my self-esteem. I found myself just shutting down in so many areas.
When you're married to a spiritual giant, then why bother. There's enought there for all interested parties.
EEK.
But the neat thing about all this is that as I approach 50, I'm enjoying the Frank that's living now. He's kind....he's gentle.....he's getting back to his happy-go-lucky self. He's content for the most part. AND, he's getting in touch with his spirituality. It has been such a long time coming.
The key is remaining centered in my life....and to remember what is important.....and what is not. Remember who is important in my life and who is not.
And most of all, to be thankful for all that I have had throughout my life.....and be thankful for the experience......the learning....the growing..
My church's retreat is in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to that time of renewal. Last year's was so very special. I've thought about it so many times....and tried to learn from that as well. This year, they've asked me to do a reading.
It is so good being involved in a church that cares about me....and that likes for me to part of things.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Not a Real Good Day Here
Sometimes you meet a gay person that so turns you off, you want to turn in your case of fairy dust and just go home!
I'm having one of those days now.
I met a gay guy today that totally alienated me from the species. He was soooooo obnoxious.....so self-righteous........so effeminate..... Well, It's made me want to just turn in my membership card and remain celibate.
I got some "vibes" from him when he first walked into the room. The vibes I got were not good ones....they were "this is a piece of work.....stay out of the way" vibes....and I am so glad that I did.
He zeroed in on me.....through gaydar I am sure....and proceeded to ask me a host of personal questions. Since really I have nothing to hide, I decided to tell him. He asked me if I had ever been involved in a long term relationship, I told him of my marriage.
In two seconds he was villifying me for making my wife's life hell....and for cheating on her..... How dare I.....he said.
Oh...it was awful.
I'm finding myself totally turned off....
If this is what the gay community is like....where flaming queens can be so judgmental and make assertions based on their feelings without trying to get to know the real me.....SCREW 'EM.
I was totally dumbfounded and mortified.
It's good to be back home.
I'm having one of those days now.
I met a gay guy today that totally alienated me from the species. He was soooooo obnoxious.....so self-righteous........so effeminate..... Well, It's made me want to just turn in my membership card and remain celibate.
I got some "vibes" from him when he first walked into the room. The vibes I got were not good ones....they were "this is a piece of work.....stay out of the way" vibes....and I am so glad that I did.
He zeroed in on me.....through gaydar I am sure....and proceeded to ask me a host of personal questions. Since really I have nothing to hide, I decided to tell him. He asked me if I had ever been involved in a long term relationship, I told him of my marriage.
In two seconds he was villifying me for making my wife's life hell....and for cheating on her..... How dare I.....he said.
Oh...it was awful.
I'm finding myself totally turned off....
If this is what the gay community is like....where flaming queens can be so judgmental and make assertions based on their feelings without trying to get to know the real me.....SCREW 'EM.
I was totally dumbfounded and mortified.
It's good to be back home.
Monday, April 21, 2008
"Cinderella"
If you've spent any time exploring this blog, you know that my children are my life.
Plain and simple.
I have twin daughters who will be 24 years old on June 14, 2008. My son is 22.
Jessica (Twin #1) is serving the Peace Corps in El Salvador. Laura (Twin #2) is seeking her fortune in Nashville. Josh, my son, is the Marine who will hopefully return stateside this week to North Carolina. He plans to come here and spend some time with me before he reports to his new assignment in Texas. He and I plan to drive across country and I will help him get settled. Then I will fly back home.
When my girls were quite young.....we read fairy tales....and laughed and talked.....and played at the Castle Park, which was a playground that had this humongous wooden structure that looked a bit like a castle. We'd go there and have picnics in the summer and I would chase them through the castle...
One time we got these play evening gowns with tiaras....and they became princesses...and occasionally I got to be their prince.
Oh what special times....and I look back on those times with such fondness.
Sadly, somewhere along the way....they grew up. My clock struck midnight......my princesses are gone.....the marriage is over.....and here I am left with my treasure trove of wonderful memories of all my children.
I'm getting used to the idea of being alone.
It's okay.
This morning I got up early to head into the office to get a project completed before everyone else got there. I flipped on my satellite radio to the contemporary Christian Music station....and there it was.
A song I had never heard before that sounded like I had written.
By the time I got to the garage of my office....I was sobbing...and I had melted into puddles.
The song is entitled, "Cinderella"...and it's by Steven Curtis Chapman. f
When I got home this evening, I downloaded it from ITunes. I also found his Web site...and found that the song plays on it. Here's the link...give it a lesson.
If you're the father of daughters....tell me if you dissolved into puddles like me.
http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/thismoment.htm
A Phone Call Out of the Blue
It was late Sunday Night.
My telephone rang.
It was Lovey.
I've had no communications with her of any kind for over a month.
She received my birthday invitation....and she said that it meant a lot to her to be invited.
I decided to take the "high road" because the kids would be here...and they wouldn't be seeing her unless she did come. So, I invited her.
That will certainly add an interesting dynamic to things, but then....my whole adult life has been one interesting dynamic.
I won't be fawning over her.....or really paying any undue attention to her.....so everyone who has heard about Lovey will get to meet her in the flesh at my party.
She sounded a bit forlorn.
But that's not really my issue, is it?
My telephone rang.
It was Lovey.
I've had no communications with her of any kind for over a month.
She received my birthday invitation....and she said that it meant a lot to her to be invited.
I decided to take the "high road" because the kids would be here...and they wouldn't be seeing her unless she did come. So, I invited her.
That will certainly add an interesting dynamic to things, but then....my whole adult life has been one interesting dynamic.
I won't be fawning over her.....or really paying any undue attention to her.....so everyone who has heard about Lovey will get to meet her in the flesh at my party.
She sounded a bit forlorn.
But that's not really my issue, is it?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
An Interesting Read
I've been whining a little lately about the fact that I've now been officially single for almost a year....and the boys aren't exactly breaking down my door to date me. So, I'm wondering what is wrong with me.
One of those things I wonder about is if I'm coming across as being needy. Of course, when Yahoo posted an article that included ten ways to know if you're too needy, my curiosity was piqued. So, for your reading pleasure is what the article said. Of course it was targeted to a heterosexual audience, but what the heck. I'm proud to say that none of this really applies in my situation...so I must not be needy. Perhaps my problem is that I give off the appearance of not really caring!
1. You just walked a woman to her door at the end of a date. Instead of kissing her, you ask her if she had a good time. Women are attracted to confident men. They don't want to have to tell you that they had a good time on adate... they want you to be secure enough in yourself to assume that they had a good time.
2. You called a woman last night and she has not yet called you back, so you either email her or call her again to ask her if she received your message. If you want to push her away, this is one of the best ways to get her to quickly run away from you.
3. You start texting a woman you just began dating five or six times a day. You are over-texting her. You don't need to check in every two hours. That's a sign of neediness and clingy behavior that turns women off.
4. You miss a call on your cell phone from a phone number that you don't recognize. You call the woman you're dating, and to whom you talked just two hours before, and ask, "Did you just call me?" This kind of behavior is going to push and scare her away.
5. You agree with everything the woman you're dating says. Women are not looking for a man who agrees with everything they say. Women want a man who challenges them and from whom they can learn. When a man agrees with everything a woman says, he is telling her that he'll do anything to have a relationship (which is another sign of being needy).
6. The woman you're dating is out for the evening with her friends. She promised to call you when she got home. It's getting late and you haven't heard from her. You just can't resist and you call her cell phone several times until she answers it. This is a sign of being needy and insecure. She's out with her friends... not out with another guy. Let her have some personal space and she'll respect you more.
7. You are too available. If you have plans with a friend, keep those plans even if the woman you're dating asks you to do something that night. Women don't want men who are like a 7-Eleven -- convenient and ready 24/7.
8. You try to please a woman all the time. I'm all about men doing nice things for women, but she has to earn it. Some men will let a woman walk all over them, and then continue to be a sponge and allow it over and over again. Stand up for yourself and she'll respect you more. Letting a woman walk all over you is a clear sign to her that you're needy.
9. Don't be afraid to challenge a woman. If you don't agree with something a woman says, don't just sit there and agree with her thinking it's what she wants. Women are looking for someone who is going to stimulate their mind... not bore them. Women are not turned on by men they can completely control.
10. Be the man! Have a plan and stick with it. Women like men who plan out evenings of fun. Don't always ask a woman what she wants to do. Listen to what she likes when you're having conversations with her, then come up with a fun plan that you will already know she'll like. A needy man will do whatever a woman wants. A man of action will create plans for what they will do. Being a man of action will lead her to find you a lot more attractive in the long run.
Women are attracted to men who are confident and real. Women want to feel like you need them... but only after you already have your own life, your own ambitions, and your own goals.
The moment a man starts getting too clingy, a woman will run for the hills. This is exactly like how you will pull back from a woman who becomes clingy and needy.
Gosh....why is this so hard?
One of those things I wonder about is if I'm coming across as being needy. Of course, when Yahoo posted an article that included ten ways to know if you're too needy, my curiosity was piqued. So, for your reading pleasure is what the article said. Of course it was targeted to a heterosexual audience, but what the heck. I'm proud to say that none of this really applies in my situation...so I must not be needy. Perhaps my problem is that I give off the appearance of not really caring!
1. You just walked a woman to her door at the end of a date. Instead of kissing her, you ask her if she had a good time. Women are attracted to confident men. They don't want to have to tell you that they had a good time on adate... they want you to be secure enough in yourself to assume that they had a good time.
2. You called a woman last night and she has not yet called you back, so you either email her or call her again to ask her if she received your message. If you want to push her away, this is one of the best ways to get her to quickly run away from you.
3. You start texting a woman you just began dating five or six times a day. You are over-texting her. You don't need to check in every two hours. That's a sign of neediness and clingy behavior that turns women off.
4. You miss a call on your cell phone from a phone number that you don't recognize. You call the woman you're dating, and to whom you talked just two hours before, and ask, "Did you just call me?" This kind of behavior is going to push and scare her away.
5. You agree with everything the woman you're dating says. Women are not looking for a man who agrees with everything they say. Women want a man who challenges them and from whom they can learn. When a man agrees with everything a woman says, he is telling her that he'll do anything to have a relationship (which is another sign of being needy).
6. The woman you're dating is out for the evening with her friends. She promised to call you when she got home. It's getting late and you haven't heard from her. You just can't resist and you call her cell phone several times until she answers it. This is a sign of being needy and insecure. She's out with her friends... not out with another guy. Let her have some personal space and she'll respect you more.
7. You are too available. If you have plans with a friend, keep those plans even if the woman you're dating asks you to do something that night. Women don't want men who are like a 7-Eleven -- convenient and ready 24/7.
8. You try to please a woman all the time. I'm all about men doing nice things for women, but she has to earn it. Some men will let a woman walk all over them, and then continue to be a sponge and allow it over and over again. Stand up for yourself and she'll respect you more. Letting a woman walk all over you is a clear sign to her that you're needy.
9. Don't be afraid to challenge a woman. If you don't agree with something a woman says, don't just sit there and agree with her thinking it's what she wants. Women are looking for someone who is going to stimulate their mind... not bore them. Women are not turned on by men they can completely control.
10. Be the man! Have a plan and stick with it. Women like men who plan out evenings of fun. Don't always ask a woman what she wants to do. Listen to what she likes when you're having conversations with her, then come up with a fun plan that you will already know she'll like. A needy man will do whatever a woman wants. A man of action will create plans for what they will do. Being a man of action will lead her to find you a lot more attractive in the long run.
Women are attracted to men who are confident and real. Women want to feel like you need them... but only after you already have your own life, your own ambitions, and your own goals.
The moment a man starts getting too clingy, a woman will run for the hills. This is exactly like how you will pull back from a woman who becomes clingy and needy.
Gosh....why is this so hard?
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Asthma....Bloody Asthma!
As I have gotten older and have now lived in the DC metro area for 30 years, I've developed a host of health issues that I had never experienced until I moved here. As a matter of fact, my parents, who live in West Virginia have never faced the health issues I have...lucky them.
I have had severe allergies and one summer went into anaphylactic shock and nearly died one time. Well in the past 5 or so years, I was amazed to find out that I have asthma. Most kids have asthma and grow out of it.....I'm one of the many adults that aren't bothered by it as children, but grow into it as we get older.
So, today I visited with my internist who gave me a host of prescriptions to get me through this little bout. I also have two ear infections....throat issues....and my diabetes only makes it worse. I now have two inhalers......a z-pack.......and a prescription for Singulair. This is in addition to my various other drugs I consume on a daily basis.
She gave me a script for blood work....and we're going to see what my testosterone levels are...since I'm now reaching the magic age of 50. I go back to see her on May 24...and have my blood work in hand. Yippee.
I had a couple of nice long conversations with #2. I am happy to report that I am no longer the enemy. She reports that she is going to have a long talk with Mr. Bodybuilder tomorrow morning after church. So, I hope things go well for her.
My son leaves Iraq this week. I'm thrilled that he will be stateside.
I do appreciate your concern and prayers.
I have had severe allergies and one summer went into anaphylactic shock and nearly died one time. Well in the past 5 or so years, I was amazed to find out that I have asthma. Most kids have asthma and grow out of it.....I'm one of the many adults that aren't bothered by it as children, but grow into it as we get older.
So, today I visited with my internist who gave me a host of prescriptions to get me through this little bout. I also have two ear infections....throat issues....and my diabetes only makes it worse. I now have two inhalers......a z-pack.......and a prescription for Singulair. This is in addition to my various other drugs I consume on a daily basis.
She gave me a script for blood work....and we're going to see what my testosterone levels are...since I'm now reaching the magic age of 50. I go back to see her on May 24...and have my blood work in hand. Yippee.
I had a couple of nice long conversations with #2. I am happy to report that I am no longer the enemy. She reports that she is going to have a long talk with Mr. Bodybuilder tomorrow morning after church. So, I hope things go well for her.
My son leaves Iraq this week. I'm thrilled that he will be stateside.
I do appreciate your concern and prayers.
Frank Hosts A Sex Party?
I came home early yesterday to get some last minute things done before my movie night. To those of you who may not remember or even know, I host a movie night for one of the gay men's groups I am a member of. I have a 61" set in my rec room and I invite that group to come over and see a gay themed movie or a movie that has a gay theme as one of the story arcs.
During cold weather, I had stopped having it and this was the first I had hosted in about 4 months.
When I posted this to the group, I was amazed at the number of new guys who wanted to come. The only catch was, they interpreted it to be a night of porn, m2m sex, and overall debauchery...until I corrected them. So, that group somehow didn't show up.
A sex party? At my house? C'mon!
Can't a group of gay men get together for activities other than that?
The group that did show up at my house, devoured 4 pizzas....a sizeable amount of beer....and we talked and laughed and watched Maya Angelou's dramatic reading of CRAIG'S LIST entries on THE BIG GAY SKETCH SHOW from LOGO-TV. The feature presentation was SORDID LIVES.
Some of these men have been burdened by the gay thing for so long, it was good to see them have a hearty belly laugh.
I'm learning the joys of opening my home to such groups...and joining in with the laughter. The comraderie that exists between gay men is mind-boggling. Two of the guys talked about this last night. They have known each other for over 30 years...and have never been sexual. BUT...they remarked about the bond they have. I really do understand this and it is hard to describe.
The other thing that struck me about this group is the fact that the majority traveled quite a distance to join me. This meant something...and they each thanked me for opening up my home to them and are looking forward to next month.
One long-time member of the group, who had never attended a Movie Night before said as he left, "Frank, thanks so much for this social outlet. You're hosting the only one these days for the group -- although we used to have a lot.... Please keep it going. You're doing a great service."
So, as long as it is doing some good, I'll keep it going -- for sure!
****
As I was getting ready for the activity last night...I had to go to the grocery store across the street. When I walked in....there was Lovey's younger sister with her lovely husband! They're the ones that own a palace in Herndon, VA...for just the two of them...and he commutes to his job in Boston. She refused to move because of "her" house. She works for the good dentist.
When I saw them, I made an immediate 90 degree turn because I didn't have anything to say to them....and didn't want to waste my time by being phonily-friendly. Ya' know?
So I kept moving. I don't know if they saw me or not....but no greetings were required.
They went their way.
I went mine!
Friday, April 18, 2008
Oh My!
I finally heard from #2 yesterday after a two-day silence. She's suffering badly....and this breakup has really almost sunk her emotionally. When she gets like this, she can be testy.....pyschotic.....and just plain evil! So, know this about her, I've left her alone.
So, yesterday she chewed me out about everything. Especially some emails that I wrote to her.
I'm a pretty direct sort of guy. If something is on my mind, I don't communicate in doublespeak....but I say what I mean and I mean what I say. So, it was quite interesting to me to hear about how a simple "R U OK" translates into not being her advocate....saying that she has made a big mistake......and that somehow I'm on "his" side and considered the enemy.
I wrote her back:
See? There you go again......trying to be clairvoyant. You read too many things into things...
The only thing I assumed when I hadn't heard from you in two days was that you were hurting and needed your space. Yes?
Ok...I'm just going to say some things. If you get mad....or misunderstand...so be it. Read the message as it appears on the page....there is nothing between the lines unless you decide to put something there.
Your letter is ok. But I'm not so sure you're gonna get a response that you like....if you do at all. He's probably feeling hurt....and he's licking his wounds. He's probably feeling sorry for himself and feeling like a victim.
In a nutshell I think you cared for him a lot more than you thought. And, it's surfacing a little more now that you and he split. It's giving you a new perspective. Which is probably a healthy thing. (Breakups are painful aren't they? Until now it was only conceptual for you...now you've experienced one first hand.)
Knowing you as I do...which is pretty dog gone well I'd say, I think what happened is pretty clear: you all were chugging down the path...things were going pretty nicely......BUT.....he started moving too fast.....and got way ahead of you...... It overwhelmed you. Maybe even frightened you a bit.....and so you put on the brakes BIG TIME. So you ended it! Sort of like killing a fly on a ceiling with a BAZOOKA. It certainly will get the job done, but what do you do about the hole in the roof? LOL!!
So, now, you've broken up with this guy. Western civilization has not stopped....the world keeps on moving. You will survive.....you will be okay. It's just gonna take some time.
So, you've got several paths you could take. Which one is it gonna be?
Today she phoned me in much better spirits.
They've talked. They're meeting for coffee on Sunday after church!
Oh my goodness.
So, yesterday she chewed me out about everything. Especially some emails that I wrote to her.
I'm a pretty direct sort of guy. If something is on my mind, I don't communicate in doublespeak....but I say what I mean and I mean what I say. So, it was quite interesting to me to hear about how a simple "R U OK" translates into not being her advocate....saying that she has made a big mistake......and that somehow I'm on "his" side and considered the enemy.
I wrote her back:
See? There you go again......trying to be clairvoyant. You read too many things into things...
The only thing I assumed when I hadn't heard from you in two days was that you were hurting and needed your space. Yes?
Ok...I'm just going to say some things. If you get mad....or misunderstand...so be it. Read the message as it appears on the page....there is nothing between the lines unless you decide to put something there.
Your letter is ok. But I'm not so sure you're gonna get a response that you like....if you do at all. He's probably feeling hurt....and he's licking his wounds. He's probably feeling sorry for himself and feeling like a victim.
In a nutshell I think you cared for him a lot more than you thought. And, it's surfacing a little more now that you and he split. It's giving you a new perspective. Which is probably a healthy thing. (Breakups are painful aren't they? Until now it was only conceptual for you...now you've experienced one first hand.)
Knowing you as I do...which is pretty dog gone well I'd say, I think what happened is pretty clear: you all were chugging down the path...things were going pretty nicely......BUT.....he started moving too fast.....and got way ahead of you...... It overwhelmed you. Maybe even frightened you a bit.....and so you put on the brakes BIG TIME. So you ended it! Sort of like killing a fly on a ceiling with a BAZOOKA. It certainly will get the job done, but what do you do about the hole in the roof? LOL!!
So, now, you've broken up with this guy. Western civilization has not stopped....the world keeps on moving. You will survive.....you will be okay. It's just gonna take some time.
So, you've got several paths you could take. Which one is it gonna be?
Today she phoned me in much better spirits.
They've talked. They're meeting for coffee on Sunday after church!
Oh my goodness.
Thoughts from a Different Place
It's spring.
The weather has become a lot milder. All the trees are budding and the flowers are in the process of blooming.
It also seems that it is mating season.
Everywhere I turn, I see couples hand in hand walking everywhere: down the street, in the grocery store, at the mall, in the book store, along the river, under the cherry trees -- basically everywhere.
They are couples of every persuasion.....gay couples.....straight couples......older....younger........with kids.....without kids..... Literally everywhere!
Last night I worked late.....and stopped off at a restaurant for dinner -- alone.
Somehow it felt I had invaded a whole nest of couples. The place was literally filled.
As I ate and watched, some were discreet in their obvious affection for each other......some were blatant. Kisses were exchanged.......hands were heled.....goofy grins were made.
All there as I ate my dinner.
Over in an isolated corner was a man. He looked to be around my age....and he was not attractive in the least.... His clothing was disheveled....hair on the unkempt...and a bit on the greasy side. His face was pock marked.
But there he was....huddled up nice and cozy with a pretty young thing.
They were in another world unto themselves.
All this love in the air made me wonder:
"What's wrong with me? Why am I sitting here all alone? Why don't I have someone?"
I took a quick inventory of myself: I'm divorced. I've got a good job. I have my own house. I'm financially secure. I'm pretty drama free. I think I'm decent looking. (I'm no longer young and pretty -- just pretty! LOL.) I turn 50 in a couple of weeks. So clearly I'm not dead.
I don't get it.
I got up quickly paid my bill and left.
In a funk.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
#2 and Mr. Bodybuilder SPLIT!
My daughter and the bodybuilder have apparently called it quits.
#2, who normally is on the phone with me…..seeking my advice…..spilling her guts, etc., is awfully quiet these past couple of days. As she was telling me about the split night before last, she got very testy with me after I had asked her a couple of questions to better understand what had happened.
Immediately I became the enemy.
Dads just never seem to be able to win….er…..maybe I should rephrase to say that men never seem to be able to win when there is some conflict with a woman. So, I’ve just left her alone.
Hopefully she is okay and not going through a lot of turmoil. Who knows? Maybe they’ve patched things up.
I just don’t know.
The only thing that I felt confident about…and I never shared this with her or anyone else for that matter was the fact that I felt that he was a godsend into her life. Yes, I felt confident that their relationship would lead to something deeper…..and that he was “the one”.
But as with everything, we have free will….and we can choose to not follow what seems clear.
Or then I could be plain wrong.
So, I remain silent….and will remain silent….whether they do or don’t get back together -- all in a day’s work at trying to be a good dad.
#2, who normally is on the phone with me…..seeking my advice…..spilling her guts, etc., is awfully quiet these past couple of days. As she was telling me about the split night before last, she got very testy with me after I had asked her a couple of questions to better understand what had happened.
Immediately I became the enemy.
Dads just never seem to be able to win….er…..maybe I should rephrase to say that men never seem to be able to win when there is some conflict with a woman. So, I’ve just left her alone.
Hopefully she is okay and not going through a lot of turmoil. Who knows? Maybe they’ve patched things up.
I just don’t know.
The only thing that I felt confident about…and I never shared this with her or anyone else for that matter was the fact that I felt that he was a godsend into her life. Yes, I felt confident that their relationship would lead to something deeper…..and that he was “the one”.
But as with everything, we have free will….and we can choose to not follow what seems clear.
Or then I could be plain wrong.
So, I remain silent….and will remain silent….whether they do or don’t get back together -- all in a day’s work at trying to be a good dad.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The Spiritual Frank
Now, if religion, God, or a talk of spirituality is not your cup of tea, perhaps you should do something else today and not read this post.
Spirituality has always been very important to me. This is why I didn't see red flags when Lovey told me before we were married that her ministry/churchwork/ etc. would come first always in our relationship. I thought I could handle it. And in the early years, I did quite an admirable job.
I was a great minister's spouse. As a man in that role, stereotypes that fit for the minister's "wife" didn't fit for me...so I was generally left to chart my own course. Although, while we were in the Church of God, headquartered in Cleveland, TN, I always seemed to get invited to the minister's wives' retreats.....or to come to the ladies' luncheons at Camp Meeting. One time in particular, I received a hand addressed envelope (so someone actually had to sit down and think as they were handwriting my name address on an envelope) with a letter from the State Overseer's wife telling me, Frank, that I was free to room with anyone I wanted to at the Ladies' Retreat.....and that it was my job to get all the women excited about it in my church!
Not only was I gay....but I had to put up with all this from my church....all because Lovey was a minister in a male-centric clergy denomination!
Still I persevered.
But somewhere in the midst of it all, things changed -- subtly, slowly, and imperceptibly and one day I discovered that I had pulled back from church activities....and I wasn't excited about church anymore. Lovey had succeeded in turning me off with the concept of churchwork, god....and even my spirituality.
At times, I felt sucked into a contest of seeing who was more spiritual....her or me.
When I voiced opinions that I believed which did not line up with what she had learned in seminary or what she believed period....I was rebuked -- harshly. So, I soon learned to keep my mouth shut.
And ultimately, as the marriage collapsed, one of the things she zinged me for was that I had lost my love of the Lord...I wasn't like I was when she had married me!
Sadly, she was right....to a point.
You see, while I didn't want to engage in pointless and endless theological discussions 24/7, or pray for everything, or spend times in hushed meditation and Bible reading all the time, Frank has never lost his love of God....and his faith.
I could not have made it during the time of my crumbling marriage.....the painful separation and the awful divorce without his presence. It's just that simple. But in Lovey's eyes, I'm queer....and lost.....and headed -- first in line -- to hell.
She's out of my life now.
I've been thinking about God....I've become active in my local MCC congregation. I love my pastor.....and I love all the people there. As I've said many times, it is so cool to be somewhere that I can be myself and not feel like I have to hide my thoughts and feelings. I'm a gay guy....but that's one of the things that make me so loveable.
God has nudged me about ministry. I'm taking my time discerning what that means. I've let him know that I'm open to whatever direction he leads. So, as I've trudged down my little spiritual path, doors have begun to open. I've been taking baby steps through them. God has blessed as a result.
Last night I met with a friend and my pastor about starting up a weekly Bible Study at my church. I've been asked to lead it...I'm honored and lookiing forward to it.
One more door opened to let me know that God hasn't forgotten me.
Monday, April 14, 2008
ME? A GOOD SAMARITAN?
You know, you all have heard me spend so much time whining and being down and depressed about my situation. Well, I've come a VERRRRRRRRYYYYYYY LOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGG WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY...
I've been blessed with a great job......my financial situation has settled and I've landed on my feet......I've got my car.....I've got my house...I've got my dog......I've got a great church.......tons of GREAT friends (YOU ALL)......I still have both my parents..........and I'm fixing to celebrate my big 50th birthday.
So tonight.....I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to get a quick bite of dinner. I've spent the entire day going through very OLD paperwork. I've shredded so much stuff....my shredder has given out..... I've been cleaning....and organizing. I am making some great headway....but still have so far to go. I'm exhausted.
As I was standing in line, a black lady was in front of me in line...and she was ordering all kinds of stuff. When she handed them her credit card...they told her that the credit card machine was broken and that they could only accept cash. Her order totaled over $12....and she only had $5.
So, she was looking in her wallet......looking through her purse......and she was beginning to panic...and to be flustered..... So, I happened to have enough cash.....and I stepped up...and paid her order. She looked at me dumbfounded. I said, "Let me do this for you. I've been very blessed in my life.....let me share it." She was speechless....but quite grateful. So, I put in my order...and sat down...and ate my dinner. The lady kept telling me how much it had meant to her for what I had done....and that it would come back to me.
It already has.
Had to share...
I've been blessed with a great job......my financial situation has settled and I've landed on my feet......I've got my car.....I've got my house...I've got my dog......I've got a great church.......tons of GREAT friends (YOU ALL)......I still have both my parents..........and I'm fixing to celebrate my big 50th birthday.
So tonight.....I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to get a quick bite of dinner. I've spent the entire day going through very OLD paperwork. I've shredded so much stuff....my shredder has given out..... I've been cleaning....and organizing. I am making some great headway....but still have so far to go. I'm exhausted.
As I was standing in line, a black lady was in front of me in line...and she was ordering all kinds of stuff. When she handed them her credit card...they told her that the credit card machine was broken and that they could only accept cash. Her order totaled over $12....and she only had $5.
So, she was looking in her wallet......looking through her purse......and she was beginning to panic...and to be flustered..... So, I happened to have enough cash.....and I stepped up...and paid her order. She looked at me dumbfounded. I said, "Let me do this for you. I've been very blessed in my life.....let me share it." She was speechless....but quite grateful. So, I put in my order...and sat down...and ate my dinner. The lady kept telling me how much it had meant to her for what I had done....and that it would come back to me.
It already has.
Had to share...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A Missed Call From Jay!
Well, while I was off visiting a friend of mine who went through a stomach bypass procedure this week, I missed a call from my long lost friend, Jay. I've emailed...and called....only to constantly miss him. Well this round, I missed his call.
Here's his message:
Hey Frank this is Jay. I’m giving you a call from my home in Arkansas. I’m sorry I missed you, but it sure was good to hear from you. I know it’s been a long time, but I’ll sure be looking forward to talking with you whenver I can get a chance.
I guess you and I both are fixing to turn the big 5-0 here coming up. (Hearty Chuckle) But anyway I’m lookin’ forward to talkin’ with you. Give me a holler when you get a chance. So see ya, bye!
Well, I called him back as soon as things settled down here.....and I missed him again!
Gee he sounds a lot different from when I knew him. He has a thick southern accent he didn't have before...He sounds about as excited about reconnecting with me...as I am with reconnecting with him. Am I silly?
But, again, he's one of those great guys that is unavailable: married.....and millions of miles away.
What is it with that?
Why can't I meet someone of this caliber here? It only seems that the guys I meet here are looking for Mr. Right Now, rather than having a special relationship with Mr. Right that will last until we are ready to move on from this planet.
Being gay is a tough deal....any way you look at it.
Just hearing Jay's voice really brought vivid memories of us together two decades ago. It was a special bond....that I never shared with a soul.....not even with Lovey...although I did spill almost all my guts to her....and I lived to regret it.
I'm thrilled that at least Jay knows where I am....and he has my email and phone numbers....
His voicemail made my day.
Here's his message:
Hey Frank this is Jay. I’m giving you a call from my home in Arkansas. I’m sorry I missed you, but it sure was good to hear from you. I know it’s been a long time, but I’ll sure be looking forward to talking with you whenver I can get a chance.
I guess you and I both are fixing to turn the big 5-0 here coming up. (Hearty Chuckle) But anyway I’m lookin’ forward to talkin’ with you. Give me a holler when you get a chance. So see ya, bye!
Well, I called him back as soon as things settled down here.....and I missed him again!
Gee he sounds a lot different from when I knew him. He has a thick southern accent he didn't have before...He sounds about as excited about reconnecting with me...as I am with reconnecting with him. Am I silly?
But, again, he's one of those great guys that is unavailable: married.....and millions of miles away.
What is it with that?
Why can't I meet someone of this caliber here? It only seems that the guys I meet here are looking for Mr. Right Now, rather than having a special relationship with Mr. Right that will last until we are ready to move on from this planet.
Being gay is a tough deal....any way you look at it.
Just hearing Jay's voice really brought vivid memories of us together two decades ago. It was a special bond....that I never shared with a soul.....not even with Lovey...although I did spill almost all my guts to her....and I lived to regret it.
I'm thrilled that at least Jay knows where I am....and he has my email and phone numbers....
His voicemail made my day.
GOSH!
Since January 1, I have been dreading the tax season.
Maybe we all do, but I have been especially bummed out by it.
This is the first time I have filed as SINGLE since 1980's taxes. I hear the words of Lovey droning on and on about how it is because of all her ministry that we ever got any refunds. I also worried that because I had played with my exemptions at the office during the year that I had probably screwed myself up royally.
Last year I got to file as HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD because I was providing my daughter (now in El Salvador) a place to live and providing for her support. As it turned out, I got a hefty refund back then.....but Lovey called me up to complain that she had to pay out the nose.
So last weekend, I spent the entire weekend finding all the paperwork required in order for me to get them all to my accountant and to have the taxes taken care of.
Mid-week, he called me. Immediately when I heard his voice, my heart tanked. He never calls me. He just does my taxes, which he has been doing for 20 years.....and that's that. Hearing his voice on the other end of my phone only confirmed my dread.
"I need your bank account routing information and your account number so that you can get your refund back sooner," he said matter-of-factly.
"Refund?" I asked, incredulously.
"Yeah, and sizeable ones at that from both state and federal," he added.
I nearly dropped the telephone.
"What helped me the most?" I asked.
He paused and scoured the return in front of him. "The alimony was the biggest benefit," he said.
He then chuckled and said he would file the returns immediately.
I got my copies in the mail yesterday. So it's official.
What a great and EARLY birthday present!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Feedback
I really do appreciate all the feedback that I have received from all of you who have taken the time to write me as a result of my post of a few days ago. It gives me insight as to who my audience is, where they are on their journey, and in general how I'm helping if at all.
It does touch me to know that I'm having some impact out there. If anything I pray that you realize that if you're gay and you're married.....and trying to come to terms with it -- there are others who have been on the journey before you....and there are others who are nipping at your heels behind you. AND, in this digital age of the Internet (God bless Al Gore!), there are so many resources out there just by searching GOOGLE......online communities of mena nd women like yourselves....and there are also communities and support for the wives of gay men.
It's just a matter of you finding the path that suits you best!
I've received a lot of comments from people about the picture that I posted that appears on my Birthday Invitation...many folks think I should use it as the "about me" section of the blog. To be honest, I'm torn by that because I really like the picture that's there already...the one with me walking down the country rode....approaching a dark curve......not knowing what's around the bend....alone and frightened. It sums up just where I was when that picture was taken.
But, I have done quite a bit of growing since then...and I'm happy to report that I'm doing pretty well.
Today was a good day. I got rid of some more junk.....and tried to organize a bit. But my allergies have flared up fiercely this week...and on top of that, today I came down with a stomach bug....that has really zapped me. So, I took a two hour nap this afternoon....and I awakened refreshed. Still I feel a bit washed out.
I received a couple of short and abrupt emails from Lovey. I can tell she is miffed about not having received an invitation to my birthday party celebration. Again, the evil me is at work. I've not fully decided whether to invite her or not. I'm still pondering it. If I did invite her it would only be on the account of the kids being here and she could see them. But really, this part is one rare occasion that is truly about ME.....and what I want for a change.
Then the appropriate questions is, "Do I want her here?"
Kind of tough to answer...given the residual anger and bitterness that have recentlly sprung to life in me.
Yes, dear readers, I still have some of that anger and bitterness I am dealing with. I being honest...and really don't need any admonishments about needing to "let it go". I am doing my best to deal with it in my own way and, if you go back and reread some of the oldest posts here, you'll see that really I have come a long way.
Twenty five and one-half years don't just evaporate over night.
But my life is moving in the right direction...and I'm learning to be happy and content.
It does touch me to know that I'm having some impact out there. If anything I pray that you realize that if you're gay and you're married.....and trying to come to terms with it -- there are others who have been on the journey before you....and there are others who are nipping at your heels behind you. AND, in this digital age of the Internet (God bless Al Gore!), there are so many resources out there just by searching GOOGLE......online communities of mena nd women like yourselves....and there are also communities and support for the wives of gay men.
It's just a matter of you finding the path that suits you best!
I've received a lot of comments from people about the picture that I posted that appears on my Birthday Invitation...many folks think I should use it as the "about me" section of the blog. To be honest, I'm torn by that because I really like the picture that's there already...the one with me walking down the country rode....approaching a dark curve......not knowing what's around the bend....alone and frightened. It sums up just where I was when that picture was taken.
But, I have done quite a bit of growing since then...and I'm happy to report that I'm doing pretty well.
Today was a good day. I got rid of some more junk.....and tried to organize a bit. But my allergies have flared up fiercely this week...and on top of that, today I came down with a stomach bug....that has really zapped me. So, I took a two hour nap this afternoon....and I awakened refreshed. Still I feel a bit washed out.
I received a couple of short and abrupt emails from Lovey. I can tell she is miffed about not having received an invitation to my birthday party celebration. Again, the evil me is at work. I've not fully decided whether to invite her or not. I'm still pondering it. If I did invite her it would only be on the account of the kids being here and she could see them. But really, this part is one rare occasion that is truly about ME.....and what I want for a change.
Then the appropriate questions is, "Do I want her here?"
Kind of tough to answer...given the residual anger and bitterness that have recentlly sprung to life in me.
Yes, dear readers, I still have some of that anger and bitterness I am dealing with. I being honest...and really don't need any admonishments about needing to "let it go". I am doing my best to deal with it in my own way and, if you go back and reread some of the oldest posts here, you'll see that really I have come a long way.
Twenty five and one-half years don't just evaporate over night.
But my life is moving in the right direction...and I'm learning to be happy and content.
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