The new year is here!
I'm excited about the prospect of it all.
Today I'm off, because of Gerald Ford's funeral. So I get to spend the day one-on-one with #2 from Nashville. It's going to be a good day.
This morning I awoke very early. The moonlight was shining like a gigantic spotlight on my face through the window. I laid away quite a while pondering my life.
Then I focused on my kids...the lights of my life.
#1 is headed to El Salvador in just over a month.
#2 is going back to Nashville to pursue her music career in a big way.
The marine was leaving in a few hours to return to Lejeune in North Carolina. Word has it that he will be going to Iraq shortly.
They are no longer babies that daddy can protect. Their lives are in their own hands.
I then thought about my mom and dad....and the fact that I won't have them forever.
As I pondered all this....it felt as if the walls in my bedroom began moving in on me. So much responsibility....so much worry and concern.....
So, I couldn't go back to sleep....
I had only been asleep for about 4 hours.
My heart raced......my head began to ache.
Soon the thought came to me...."You'll have the tools and strength to deal with all these issues when they are needed. Take it one thing at a time. You'll be okay."
I calmed down. Turned over. Yawned and drifted back to sleep for another 4 hours.
Now it's morning -- a beautiful, crisp, clear morning. My son has gone. He has dealt with so many issues...and continues to struggle. I worry about him intensely.
Iraq?
I know he isn't ready for that... But who is?
Why should he be treated any differently?
#1 headed to El Salvador. Not an easy task. She'll be gone for 27 months. No visits home. A strange land....with a history of violence....and my little girl...my first born...will be there alone.
#2 going "home" to Nashville. Embarking on a career in an industry that can chew her up and spit her out. My baby girl.
I'm a dad.
I worry.
That's my job.
Happy New Year!
1 comment:
That durned ol' one-day-at-a-time, or one hour, or one minute, thang, eh?
In my 20s I had the sense that adulthood would be about gradually bumping up my resilience and stability, emotionally and hopefully financially. It's safe to say that life hasn't played out that way. I'm often surprised to look at where I am and what I'm dealing with now that age 50 is approaching in a couple years.
Breathing in, breathing out, I remind myself that some of the most important things I'm doing speak genuinely the core of who I am and the things that matter most to me. Amidst the frustrations and dysfunctions, I'm doing bold stuff that makes life authentic.
And, I'm so glad (ok, and a touch envious) for the loving, tender, mutual support flowing between you and your kids.
Good work, Dad... the job never ends, but clearly you continue to excel at it.
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