Exploding Old Myths

I've spent almost 49 years believing a lot of myths about myself.

They've only served to box me in and have helped to limit my possibilities. However, I am happy to report that I seem to be exploding them one-by-one.

It's funny....and it's scary too!

Today's old myth that I successfully exploded (Well, to be honest, I had some help doing this demolition.) is the one where I have believed for years and years that I am unattractive.

I think the origin of this myth stems from the first grade. I had an elderly lesbian spinster as my teacher. She made it clear that she had no time for men or boys. She was tough as nails.... When I'm discussing her, I always like to say that she held down two jobs...she was a school teacher and she moonlighted as a test pilot at a broom factory in town. That's how bad she was.

As I've explained in earlier posts, I was an only child. I think my parents and other key adults successfully spoiled me during my growing up years and by the time I reached the first grade (Kindergarten was not required at that time.)I was rather traumatized by the concept of going to school.

Having Miss Floding as a teach didn't help my self esteem.

I still remember her taunts: "You're such a baby." "Why don't you know how to tie your shoes?" "Your neck is too big." "You're ugly." "You are a bad little boy."

I think you get the idea.

At any rate...the one thing she said to me that has stayed with me these past 43 years, is the fact that I am ugly. And, in looking at some of my pictures from adolescence, I must say, I was far from being a sex symbol.

ICK!

However, my kids have flattered me by saying that as I have gotten older, I have gotten much better looking. I've just sort of roll my eyes at such comments and go on about my business.

As a gay man -- a gay middle-aged man -- I have learned that the focus is on youth and buff bodies....and I've watched first hand just how vicious the community can be to those who don't fit into the gym bunny mold.

Since I'm a nearly single gay man, I have to tell you that it has given me pause when I consider that not everyone that I find I'm attracted to is attracted to me. As a matter of fact, I would say so far that 80% of what I'm attracted to runs shrieking in the other direction when I enter the room.

BUT, I had a friend to tell me, "Aw Frank. It's not you! You're just marketing yourself to the wrong audience!"

I've thought about it.....and although I've not been doing any conscious marketing of me to anyone....I've just been too preoccupied with the separation stuff, I have been trying to spruce myself up a bit and let folks know that I am comfortable being me.

Well, today, I had my socks almost knocked all the way off!

A man from one of the online groups I'm a part of has been emailing me religiously. He saw my picture on the group's photo page and started chatting. We chat about everything. Well, he's working in the area for the next six months and had some free time and he decided to take me to lunch. He called me and said, "I'd really like to get to know you better. I want to take you to lunch."

So, I said, "Okay!"

He told me he'd be driving a pickup truck.

The snooty people at my office (and there are quite a number of them) really wrinkled up their noses when they saw Old Frank here crawl into the cab of that truck.

Now, I must confess, when I opened the truck door, the specimen of manhood that sat over on the driver's seat made my heart skip. Chris, had not posted his picture on the Web site. My old insecurities rose and I found myself wondering why he would be so interested in keeping in touch with me and wanting to have lunch with me.

We chit chatted as we headed for the eatery he had in mind. Chris said that he was glad that we finally got to meet. He said that he had read my story....and that he saw my picture. "I liked what I saw," he grinned, "and I like what I'm seeing now."

My heart skipped.

This man is 40 years old....beautiful in every way.......and he says that he likes what he sees.

Goodness.

I stammered and stuttered....and when we finally got to the eatery....we went inside and found a quiet private table.

We chatted.

It seems that Old Chris....the buff and beautiful Chris....really likes me. I mean he wanted me to know that he REALLY likes me.......in THAT way.......and he wants to
SEE me......and to be FRIENDS......and God only knows what else.

I thought I was going to lose my breath.

You see, Miss Floding was sitting on one of my shoulders whispering, "You're ugly, Frank and not worthy of this. He's just trying to use you."

I looked at my friend, sitting there....looking all doe eyed...... I said, "Forgive me, but what exactly do you see in an old guy like me?"

He grinned again, "Aw...Frank.....you're a cute one....and I'd be honored to have you in my life."

I gulped.

He certainly would be a nice ornament to have skulking around my house and sunning himself out on my deck in those hot summer days.

My kids would be amazed......that I dragged something like him home.

My poor mother would probably faint dead away.

BUT...

In my heart, I know that I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for a long term relationship with another man full time. Heck, I'm not even over my last long term relationship yet. Technically I'm still married to Lovey. I'm very much on the rebound. I have way too many other issues to work on before I make any big changes. I need to enjoy full fledged singleness for a while -- a long while.

But, you know something? This was a great experience....an affirming experience. There was a beautiful young man...perfect in every way....expressing his admiration of me......his attraction to me.....and wanting desperately to become a very important part of my life.

He was, he said, strongly attracted to me....the soft...middle aged.....fag....Frank.

I still have to catch my breath.

Thanks Chris for blowing that myth to smithereens.