I have that feeling that I have just reached yet another milestone in my journey from married man to single gay man. It’s an odd sort of feeling, but it’s a good feeling too. Perhaps it’s best described as the first time you taste a sour green apple. The shock is unpleasant. However, after a brief time, the unpleasantness gives way to wonderful flavor.
I’m over the shock, hurt, and sadness of the finality of the separation agreement. I think it probably was more about my pride more than anything else. I never thought I would be anything other than married – at least until Lovey’s death. Yet, here I am at the age of 48 looking at a life of solitude in my future. Who knew?
As the days get warmer, and spring is finally here, my spirits seem to improve daily. I feel more and more like my old self – happy that I am well – happy that I’m alive.
My blessings are many.
I see them…tangibly…..and I thank God every day for them.
But I occasionally have to face down a demon or two.
This past Sunday I had to face one of my demons head-on….and I soared! I had dinner with Lovey, as I reported in my last post. BUT….one of the unexpected guests I mentioned in my other post was another man seated at the table to Lovey’s right. I’m not sure of his purpose there…but I found the seating arrangement interesting.
The demon I faced down was the prospect of Lovey having a new man in her life. At first, it hurt…and I felt very sad….but I hid those feelings and only speak of them now. After 25 years of marriage to the same woman it would only be natural to have “funny” feelings when you see that woman seated by another man. I wasn’t jealous. It was just a feeling of mild surprise and a touch of sadness.
Now, since I don’t know what the relationship with him really is….or if there is a relationship with him. While this man, a dentist, may not even be interested in Lovey….or Lovey in him……I was able to process my feelings for when that moment happens or if/when Lovey remarries.
It will be okay.
Another demon I’ve had to deal with is that I learned that Mom O’Lovey hesitated about whether to invite me or not to this “family” gathering. My dear daughter, #2, handled it beautifully…and I guess it demonstrates the love she has for me, her daddy. I didn’t learn of this until after the fact.
Here’s the conversation as it was described to me:
#2: “Is Dad invited to this dinner too?”
Grandma: “Well, he makes your mother uncomfortable when he is around.”
#2: “Well, Grandma, I came to spend the weekend with him. If he’s not invited, then I won’t be coming. I want to spend as much time as I can with him!”
Well, needless to say, I was invited and we both went. But if I had known that my presence caused such discomfort, I could have bowed out and made #2 go alone. I don’t like making people uncomfortable.
I went to the gastroenterologist yesterday. He’s not sure what my problem is and gave me some medicine to take four times per day. If I am not totally cured by April 25 (my next appointment with him), he says that he will have to do another “procedure” to see what is going on inside me.
I hope the meds make me feel better.
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