When I returned, I decided to go into #1's room and begin cleaning up the mess she left for me to deal with. It was rather colossal. So, after I finish this and fix myself some dinner, I'm going to go up there and finish what I started.
It's kind of funny how when you're doing stuff like chores, your mind races and you begin living memories of days long past. I suppose I'll never get away from the memories I have...the good and the bad. I try not to put too much thought on things....because I don't want to trigger another one of those very bad and sad depressions I've been known to have.
It wouldn't take much.
I do feel a twinge of melancholy tonight. But, when you've been used to having a house full of activity for so long, it's rather shocking when your life comes down to just you.
I do have something to look forward to. #2 is going to come up for this weekend from Nashville and spend it with me. Gee, it will be good to have someone in the house with me for the two days she will be here. Goodness. I won't know what to do with myself.
The main reason she is coming up is to go with me to see the Gay Men's Chorus of Washington's production of the Wizard of Oz. It's the movie version with a gay twist. For example, can you imagine the flying monkees being flying leather daddies? It promises to be a hoot! That's the cover of the program to the left.So, that shows the world what support I have with my kids.
I guess of all the things that I am thankful for, the biggest things are my children. If I had to live my life over again, I'd say that the poor excuse that I had as a marriage, would be worth the trouble....to have my kids again. They are the product of Lovey's and my marriage. From that perspective....while I suffer from huge pangs of regret, my three kids are not part of that.
I spoke to #1 in El Salvador yesterday. She sounds quite happy. She is experiencing lots of new things....and is already planning my Christmas trip there. That should be quite fun...to be with her.
I'm looking forward to that.
My life continues. It's quite a change from what I had envisioned for this stage of it.
But, at this moment, I'm okay.
Still grieving...but it's better.
Trying very hard to get it all together....and to keep it all together.
I appreciate all your warm thoughts.
The one remaining sad speed bump left for me is when I sign the final divorce documents....and it's over. It will be the end of an era...and wll finally make everything that I have been on more concrete.
I don't look forward to that.
1 comment:
Frank:
I agree, that I would never recommend that a gay man follow my path of heterosexual marriage. Never the less, I do not regret for a moment my three children, there existence is my most enduring accomplishment, and their welfare is always in the back of my mind. But they grow to be adults who want and indeed need to live independent lives. Now, as parents, it is the time for our own self actualization, and in so doing, I think that we model for our children, for good or ill, by how authentically we are the person that we were created to be. It often is not easy, but maybe that is one more lesson that we are meant to teach our children.
Rick
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