It’s Friday!
It’s Friday, March 2, 2007!
STILL there is no signed separation agreement from Lovey!
In one week, I will have been separated for 21 months. So, here I sit…where I have now been for almost 21 months…waiting.
Why is it taking her so long? She says that she needs the alimony. But alimony does not begin until the separation agreement is signed.
It makes no sense.
But then, this whole situation has never made any sense to me. I can’t understand why when these delays occur, I am blamed for the delay. Or that I am accused of taking advantage of her. Or that I have made her life hell. Or that I have made her raw inside.
DANG those wooden spoons, toilet lid seats and rescued cocker spaniels.
I am scum of the earth and remain so…even to this day.
She, of course, is a vision. She, so holy, so spiritual, her ministerial robes blowing in the breeze! Hands raised to minister to the downtrodden….the lowly of heart…..the unfortunate.
But because I’m gay….one of “them”…..a man who has been “unfaithful”….an adulterer…..what I think or what I feel don’t count. I’m not even worthy to be in her presence or to be treated as an equal. I am beneath her.
So here I am.
I remain troubled in that I doubt she ever loved me. In her mind she may have had a form of love….but not the kind of love that I hunger for. The love that I ache for transcends gay/straight.
It doesn’t have to be perfect or defined by body shape or other attributes.
It accepts me where I am and does not require me to change into its image of what it think loves should be.
It comforts when I hurt.
It protects.
It gives me the benefit of the doubt in all situations.
It puts me first and does not treat me as “left overs.”
It’s there when I have had a bad day.
It’s there when I have an excellent day.
It’s there when I fail.
It picks me up and dusts me off and gives me a hug and says, “You’re doing fine.”
It’s there when I succeed and rejoices in my good times.
It’s kind.
It’s longsuffering and is not a scorekeeper.
It’s only a phone call or email away.
It’s a bond that only grows stronger with the passage of time.
In 25 years of marriage I NEVER had any of this. Everything had strings attached. Everything was up for criticism. Never any comfort during my grief over the loss of a loved one. There was never any benefit of the doubt given for my motives. Scores were always kept….if she ever perceived she was behind in the score, then there was always hell to pay.
Yet, me, with my eternal (or is that infernal?) optimism flowing, I always created an excuse for any shortcoming that Lovey exhibited. I loved her. She was my wife. – for better or worse.
But these were the rules I lived by….and I thought about them every day.
I still think about them daily.
Are they too hard?
Are these too Pollyanna-ish?
Do relationships -- gay or straight -- ever have a love like what I want?
.
4 comments:
You aren't being Pollyanna-ish. It does exist. Sometimes it takes a while to find & you have to be willing to do all of those things, too, but it can happen.
I always thought I was being musch too optimistic, but somehow it ended up working.
Good luck finding someone who can reciprocate!
Yes, it does exist -- and while it's rarer and more precious than gold, it's there for anyone who looks hard enough.
I won't wish you luck, because that sounds like I don't think you'll succeed in finding it, and I am sure that you will. I will hope and wish for you instead that it comes much sooner than later.
Frank;
In my experience, total unconditional love is a goal that humans strive for without ever reaching. Some people come much closer than others, usually those that experienced it as a child. And there are some people who actually believe that giving affection to those who do not “deserve it” rewards bad behavior, I knew a lot of these people growing up. I feel that the struggles that I have had with myself as I came to the acceptance of my homosexuality have moved me closer toward loving unconditionally, but I know that I am nowhere near the goal. Many people have not had the “advantage” of having to come to grips with their own self loathing through unconditional self love lest that self loathing becomes totally self-destructive.
The Lord said that the second great commandment was to love your neighbor as yourself. I think He was conveying the truth that people can not unconditionally love someone else unless they unconditionally love themselves. I wonder if the inverse is not also true, that if you love others conditionally, most likely you love yourself conditionally also. If that is the case, I have to feel sorry for Lovey.
God Bless.
Rick
The doubts are poison, let them bleed away. The past is already past. It's so easy for us to hate ourselves when we are so hated; to believe we are not worthy when so many others say we are not worthy of love we so long for.
Believe you are worthy to be loved like this, believe you can share these feelings of love too. Become the person you seek (and in so many ways I think you already are!) Share it and that love you seek will reflect back to you. This love you seek starts with you, loving you.
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