Greetings From The City of Brotherly Love (Philadelpphia)

Today I return home from having spent three days in Philadelphia, PA.

It has been a good trip and has offered me a welcome change of pace. I've spent some time with some old friends from my agency and I've gotten the opportunity to gain some new friends too!

I guess spending time with 300 of one's colleagues sort of forces you to reach out and talk to strangers!

As I write this, it is still dark outside. The noises of the hotel, as it awakens are increasing. Doors are slamming. Occasional voices fill the hallway outside my room door.

And here I sit, writing to you.

Since my last post, I've been trying to figure out what profound words of wisdom I have to impart in this entry. Sadly, I have none.

I'm still very down about the separation agreement.

I hear through the grapevine that she is elated that Frank, "finally agreed to her separation agreement." She is elated that now she can file for a divorce!

This could have been done so long ago had she not dawdled.

Very frustrating.

I wonder what her dad would have said about all these developments?

During the height of my being "down" on Saturday, I drove to the cemetery to pay my respects to him. He still has no tombstone. I just know where his grave is and the fact that Mom O'Lovey has some plastic poinsettias on it still left over from the holidays.

I stood there remembering him. I remembered his difficult ways and what a tyrant he could be. In an odd sort of way, I understand how Lovey is the way that she is. I also talked to him about all the happenings in my family. I told him how angry I was and how hurt I felt...and yes, what a failure I felt I had been as a husband. Oddly, I felt some degree of comfort while there. I also talked about vindication. I said that I wanted to experience vindication in some small way.

I would like to be able to feel that somewhere along the way, Lovey will not be seen as the victim in long flowing ministerial robes. You know, that poor woman whose life was made hell by that awful queer husband of hers. That lousy, no-good-for-nothing man that had so many affairs he could hardly see straight. Pardon the pun.

Does Lovey really know what a life of hell is really like?

I was and am still quite queer y'all, but I tried to be a better husband because of it. I drove myself to keep her happy. For a very long time, I tried to be celibate....and to be a non practicing gay man. In actuality, her life was not the hell she would like others to believe.

But, wouldn't it be something if she remarries and moves into hell? I mean, what if she were to marry another gay man? How about a gay man that happens to be all the things I am not....like one who doesn't level with her? Or one that is not on the gentle side who tells her of his struggles?

Or what happens if she marries a guy who does not let her focus so much on ministry? One that makes her do other things that she doesn't really want to do?

I'm praying for vindication.

Some would call it revenge.

But I'm praying for a miracle to occur that will let Lovey see once and for all that being married to Frank was not the hell she has portrayed.