Trust

I’m having a hard time trusting people these days.

It’s probably a spillover from the marriage.

I was totally honest and upfront with Lovey, perhaps a bit too honest……but when the boom was lowered, I found that she wasn’t honest and upfront with me. This tends to leave one scarred.

I just don’t know how to get back to the old Frank….the one that used to love and to trust.

I don’t mean to sound paranoid of psychotic, but I do look at all my relationships with a bit of trepidation. Even with people who have been my friends for a long time I find myself looking at them and wondering

“Are you being honest with me? Am I looking at the real you? Are you what you appear? Or are you lying to me for whatever reason? Do you have an ulterior motive or other agenda?”

This also extends to the affairs of the heart.

When someone says they love me I want to say, “Do you really?”

After all, at one time in my life my wife said that.

This is truly a sad state of affairs isn’t it?

At the beginning of this blog adventure, I said that I would be honest and not sugar coat my feelings.

Well, this is where the real Frank is today.

Untrusting.

I was chatting with a co-worker this morning about this very thing. She said that I needed to let the wall down and begin trusting again.

I agreed.

But not now.

I’m frightened to do so.

Two years is an awfully long time to hurt and to mourn and to be sad. It’s also sad to spend two years on the defensive with one’s guard up because you’re afraid your wife is going to zing you about some perceived wrong or slight.

The gay thing adds to this by making me feel so isolated and afraid at times to tell people who the real Frank is. This is especially true given the fact that Lovey has outted me to everyone and I appear isolated from those people.

None of them call.

None of them write email.

I must tread very lightly with my current feelings. I could become an isolated and bitter old man.

I am so weary.