To Begin Again

What do you do with a blank canvass when you have never painted before?

How do you begin a new life, when you feel that you made the old one such a mess?

How do you know where to start, when your life feels like it is in shambles?

How do you become a happy, well-adjusted gay man when you’re not feeling so happy and well-adjusted?

How do you succeed when you are so afraid of failure?

How do you look forward to the future, when you can’t begin to get over the past?

How do you live again when you feel so dead inside?

Aftermath

Part of writing this blog was an agreement with myself to always be honest…warts and all. So, that’s the kind of post this entry is going to be. Honest. Brutally so.

I have now returned from my trip.

I spent 3 days at a resort, in the middle of the desert. It was so very quiet…I was able to spend some special alone time that I don’t’ get to do much of. It was good to just meditate…ponder my life….and to decompress….to wander the desert….to experience the heat….the desolation of it all.

I wish I could say that I was strong upon my return and glided happily through coming home to an empty house. But, I can’t.

When I awoke yesterday in New Mexico…a sense of dread began to gnaw at me. As I made my way to the airport…on the plane….during the layover…..on the next plane…it was like dark clouds gathering on the horizon…with occasional flickers of lightning and the sound of the distant rumbling of thunder.

The closer I got to my destination…the sadder I became. The closer those storm clouds became. The thunderheads grew.

I kept telling myself, “Frank, you can do this. It will be okay.”

We pulled into my driveway. There was my front door. My gut ached.

Time to face the demon…head-on.

#1 threw open the door and gave me a big hug of welcome….and Davy Dawg (my cocker spaniel) was glad to see me…his tail wagging feverishly with delight. And there I stood. In the middle of my empty house.

Waves of sadness began to overtake me and I could feel the sting of tears welling up in my eyes. I walked from room-to-room…looking….silently….. #1 was chirping on about her adventures while I was away to Zack. I didn’t hear a word they were saying.

Someone said something about a “new beginning…” But I was in another world…numb….overcome with emotion….with sadness…..and those old familiar feelings of failure. Of things that could have been….of things that never were…..of things never to be…..

Except for the few little piles of dirt and other debris from the movers, the rooms were stripped bare. It was overwhelming in a sense. I have to start all over. I have to begin things anew. New furniture……organizing….throwing away…..selling stuff I no longer want or need.

I ran the vacuum…..and swept away the debris. Things are looking a little better.

I’m tired. I sit down on the floor and slump against the wall.

“I’m afraid of the future,” I say aloud. I feel like I’m in my own private desert. My own private desolation….my own private heat.

#1 comes over and sits down next to me….as close as is humanly possible. She puts her head on my shoulder.

“I know Dad. I know.”

D-Day

Well, today has finally arrived.

The day that I have been dreading.

The day I have been so afraid of.

Here in Albuquerque, New Mexico, a thousand or so miles away from home....it's greeted with kind of a yawn. Yeah, I know what's happening. Am I bothered...? Not like I thought. I've thought about calling #1 to see how she is faring. But I know the answer to that. She wants her mom gone...so that we can get on with the business of life.

A friend is picking me up today to take me to see the sites in Santa Fe. I've never been there. I have my camera in hand....and so, I'm excited about doing something different.

So, I'm going to have FUN. It's time to enjoy my life...

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

I want it to be happy...and good....

Shadows of Sadness

One more day to go....and the day that I had so dreaded will be just a memory.

I'm writing this from my hotel room in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I should say that this isn't just some little simple hotel....or hotel room. This is a resort with everything you can imagine: horseback riding, swimming (3 pools), a variety of hot tubs, spa treatments, hiking trails...all in the middle of the desert, mountains in the distance....and did I say peaceful. Whew. I think when I need to get by myself, and meditate...or write....I think I'm going to blow the kids' inheritance and come here for a week.

Yesterday, after I landed, I got calls from all the kids to wish me a Happy Father's Day. The cards, as I said earlier, were spectacular in their own right, but, yet, to here their voices....well, it does a daddy good.

Yesterday was Lovey's final Sunday at our church. #1 told me all about it...and it appears that they gave her a fine send off. I found that as I sat down to breakfast alone afterwards, a shadow passed through my mind bringing with it pangs of sadness and guilt. Sadness for what could have been...what should have been.....and what it is now......and guilt for failing.

I know...I know....you can chew me out for this one....and I probably deserve every bit of it. Still, this whole divorce thing has been the most difficult thing I have had to deal with EVER in my entire life.

After breakfast, I went on a four mile hike....and found myself on the banks of the Rio Grande. I remember learning about this river in the fourth grade....and it was how I pictured it -- a body of water, shallow...not very wide. I sat down....there...and as I watched the current...I thought about my life. I thought about all the good times....and the bad times. It's funny how when I think of the bad times, they all seem to be concentrated in the previous 12 months.

I have good days....I have bad days.... On the good days, I feel guilty about feeling so relieved that Lovey is out of my life.....on the bad days I find that I have guilt for the failure of my marriage. I just can't seem to win.

#1 had a moment of disappointment with Lovey this past week. She said that it really surprised and disappointed her...and made her sad in the process. She said that at bed time, Lovey came into where she was getting ready for bed and said, "Did you or your dad do something with my wedding ring?"

#1 was dumbfounded....she followed her mother into her room...to the jewelry box....and there it was...where it had been all along. Lovey had just been overlooking it.

She didn't apologize to #1 or say anything further.

#1 grew silent as she told me about this.

I said, "I know how you feel...I've been accused of a lot of things by your mom over the past few months. Having that happen, I can understand why she would want to think that I did something to her wedding ring...but I don't understand why she would accuse you this way."

I hugged #1....and told her that I loved her.

I'll be very relieved to have Lovey gone from my house...so that little exchanges like this don't happen.

I'm still sad...

Father's Day 2006

Well, here it is, Father's Day...and I'm exhausted.

I spent all day yesterday doing a variety of tasks. I had to do some work at my office (budget season) because of being out for several days this week, I wanted to get some things done. Then #1 and I spent a lot of time organizing things so that my stuff wouldn't wind up in the new place with Lovey. (Lovey was working on her farewell sermon that she will be delivering this morning at church....and, darn, I have to miss it because I'm off on my adventure out West!)

Since today is Father's Day, and I won't be posting for a few days because of my trip, I thought I would share the cards that my daughters gave me. It makes me feel rather nice:

#1 gave me a card with dalmatians on the cover. It says: "It's Father's Day. Let the happy happen." She wrote: "Pop - I know it's not Pop's day yet, but this card reminded me of you. Listen to this message and perhpas it will come true. There is no one quite like you. I love you! Love, #1!" (She gave me several Father's Day cards a few days ago.)

She gave me another one on behalf of herself and #2, because she didn't know that #2 would send her own from Nashville. It says: "From the two of us with appreciation on Father's Day. This Father's Day wish comes to tell you that we really appreciate you and all the thoughtful things you do -- We hope you know how much you mean to us, not only on Father's Day but every day throughut the year." She wrote: "You have absolutely NO idea what it's like to have a father like you. It's amazing. A once in a lifetime (duh) -- I mean -- millennium sort of deal. We were lucky. Just talking with you brightens our day and fills us with peace and comfort. It's hard to explain. Kow that we love you so very much and wish you the very best Father's Day 2006. Love always, #1 and #2"

Then, from Nashville, #2 wrote: "Dad, I love you. Happy Father's Day." She wrote: "Dad, DON'T CRY!! I just want you to remembers today (and every day) just how much I love you and remember this especially when I call to talk about student loans. I ask you all the questions because I respect the knowledge and experience you have with so many things. I'm sorry I couldn't be there last weekend to celebrate with #2, but I'll be thinking of you this coming Sunday, so grateful to have a father like you!" #2

#1 also gave me the card from the dog addressed to "That Man": "From the Dog, wishing you a Father's Day filled with your favorite treats...but anything that falls on the floor is mine!" She wrote: "I love you even though you hog my bed....Love, Davy Dawg"

#1 finally gave me the card from the cat...also addressed "To That Man". The cat and I tolerate each other....and I'm glad it's moving along with Lovey. It says: "From the Cat. You tolerate me, I tolerate you. That's about it for the compliments. Have a good Father's Dy or whatever." She wrote: You know you'll miss me! Love, (...and tolerate_ Snoee....a.k.a. The Pisser."

So, as you can see, in light of the coming changes of this week...it means so very much to still have the love of my children.

I love them more than words can say.

Life's Little Mysteries

We humans are complex beings.

Have you ever done something and when all is said and done you wonder why you did it?

I had such a moment in my life this morning.

I was getting ready to go to work, when there was a knock on my door. It was Lovey.
She wanted to know if I would be home sometime this evening. (Aren't I home every evening???) I said I would. She said that she had the final separation agreement. (I'm psychic. What did I tell you in an earlier post? She's only had it since October.)

I said that it would be fine to receive...and that I had to schedule an appointment with my lawyer to go over it to make sure things were okay. She nodded.

She then walked over to the bed and sat down.

She proceeded to share with me the fact that she had gotten ill at her church conference and wasn't able to celebrate her commissioning as she had originally planned. Her last day she had suffered from a "virus" and had been in her bed for the whole last half of the day.

Traveling home on Wednesday, she found out that she is allergic to Dairy Queen Blizzards. She broke out into hives...and was itching all over. (I think this is translated: STRESS.)

She then talked about how her neck hurt....her back hurt....and she was just so exhausted by all that she had to do. (She's miserably behind in her packing and the movers will be here early on Tuesday! Surprise....Surprise!)

I told her that I was going to be out of town Sunday Morning through Wednesday Afternoon. She was very mellow about this.

I went over to my dresser and picked up the Father's Day cards I had received and showed them to her.

She said, "Oh, how nice. We have such wonderful children."

Then, I did something I have no idea why I did it. I said, "Well, at least I did something right..." Tears started rolling down my cheeks.

I didn't break down....or sob....or run away......my voice didn't break......or crack.....the tears just rolled down my face fairly substantially.

"You've done a lot of things right," she said, her voice breaking into a sob.

I went on about getting ready. I dabbed my eyes.

She then chattered on about other things.....tears running down her face. I didn't hear a word she said. I was on auto-pilot.

She then apologized, "I'm so tired....It makes me so emotional."

The real odd thing about this is that my feelings about June 20, 2006 have changed. They are not as I had expected. I thought I would feel overwhelming emotions of sadness....of failure.

These all appear to have melted away to a feeling of great anticipation...of relief....of peace.

Still, I'm not sure where all the tears came from this morning, or why my reservoir of tears seems to be just below the surface, ready to erupt at any moment.

Yes, we human beings are very complex.

Coming Out

I just came out to someone at my office.

It's not something I had planned to do. It just happened.

I have known this woman for many years here at the office. She's very matter of fact...no nonsense.....and she's a lesbian. She's out....she's proud.....and she's partnered....very happily.

She had come to see me about a business matter.

About six months ago she had caught me in our cafeteria where I had taken refuge from my drama for a cup of coffee. It was not a good time. She could see it written all over my face.

I told her of the divorce....she was supportive.

Today, as she was leaving my office, she turned and said....

"And....how are YOU? How are things?"

I gave her an update....told her about June 20, etc.

Then I felt a nudge... I don't know where it came from. But an inside voice said, "Go ahead and tell her."

So I did.

She hugged me.

She said that she was honored that I had told her.

She told me to be strong. "I know that you are already," she said. "We'll talk more."

She gave me another big hug and left.

I Can't Believe It!

Perhaps I expect way too much or maybe my standards are a bit high.

As I said in my last post, yesterday was my twin daughters' birthday. They turned 22. They were excited and happy. So was I.

#1 arose early yesterday...and peaked in my room. She whispered, "Dad, can I come in?"

I said, "Sure, it's just me and the dog."

It reminded me of when she was much smaller.

She ran and jumped into my big bed....and snuggled up close to me as I sang to her "Happy Birthday." She then asked if I would scratch her back.

I must say it was a whole lot different than those days when I had three kids, two dogs and a cat leaping into my bed (of course Lovey was already there too) and asking me to scratch their backs.....or rub their backs.....or just to hug and hold them. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised that the old mattress is beginning to show some wear and tear...

While #1 was in my bed, I reached over to the telephone and called #2 down in Nashville. Sadly, all I got was her voicemail....but we sang to her anyway. In a few moments after hanging up, she called us back...and I got to tell her how much I loved her...and that I hoped she had a great birthday. She then asked to speak to her sister.

So, there they were....the 22 year olds have an adult conversation about their birthdays....telling each other how much they missed and loved each other. Then I heard #1 say, "No, I haven't heard anything from her. She's probably forgotten. I'm not worried about it."

I knew what/who they were discussing.

"Lovey" was still at her church thingy....I suppose still celebrating her new credentials...

She was scheduled to return yesterday. But we didn't know when.

After they finished their conversation, I spoke with #2 again, and told her to be looking out for her package from me. Being the music/media person she is, I got her one of those fancy, high capacity iPods.

I gave #1 her card, and we had agreed that I would give her, her combination birthday/graduation present after "Lovey" is gone. Still, I planned to take her to dinner last night and to give her a $100 gift card for her favorite book store.

Throughout the day, I checked on #1. Between one and two o'clock, I called her to see how she was. She sounded a little down.

"Have you heard from your mom?" I asked.

"Nope!"

"Ah," I said.

"I heard from #2 though. She's not heard from Mom either."

I didn't say anything. What could I say? I definitely couldn't be honest with her and let her know the evil thoughts I was thinking about "Lovey". After all, this was typical "Lovey"...her ministry always comes first...and boy, it sure does.

I left my office a bit early, and on my way home I called #1 to tell her that I was on my way.

"I heard from Mom," she said flatly.

"Oh?" I responded.

"Yeah. She and Grandma are on their way home. She will be home late because she has some Internet work she needs to do at Grandma's. No mention of my birthday. #2 still hasn't heard from her."

I boiled inside. But, I didn't let it show. I changed the subject and told my estimated time of arrival, and that she should be ready to go to dinner.

By the time we were on our way to dinner, #1 told me that her mother did call back. She and her grandma sang Happy Birthday to her. She also had done the same thing to #2.

When we returned from dinner, Lovey was indeed back from her trip. She had been too tired to join us.

No card. No gift.

Yes, I expect way too much. My standards are a bit too high.

I think a parent should honor their child on its birthday...and remember....and thank God for it.

I expext way too much.

Milestones

Today my twin daughters turn 22. It's an amazing milestone.

Regardless of the fact that I am gay and the fact that my marriage is a thing of the past, practically, these two individuals, along with their adopted brother, constitute the ultimate products of Lovey and I. When all is said and done, they are my children. I cherish them.

The favorite part of being married was the part of becoming a dad. From my earliest years, I remember thinking about how I would be a good dad. I decided that I would spend time with my children. I would try and be at all their events. I would be there for all their hurts and failures. I would be there at all their triumphs and successes.

Most of all, I would love them fiercely.

I'll never forget seeing my daughters arrive in this world.

They were delivered via C-section. When #1 was delivered, I saw the doctor reach in and pull her butt first into the world. (I kid her now by saying that I've known her butt longer than her! She just rolls her eyes and shakes her head.) After the initial oohs and ahs by the hospital staff and my holding her...and her mom holding her, they wrapped her in a warm blanket and put a hat on her head.

Then, we focused on the arrival of #2.

#2 was lifted from her mother. The doctor had his hands under each arm. From the moment she arrived, she squirmed, she whimpered, she cried, she wasn't happy about being disturbed and being brought into the world.

After initial introductions, I was allowed to follow them to the nursery to be weighed and checked. I didn't take my eyes off of them.

These two squirming naked bundles of flesh were put under warmers. #1 yawned and went to sleep peacefully. #2 was still mad...screaming at the top of her lungs. I went over and stroked her left cheek with a finger and whispered...."It's okay little one, I'm here....I'm your daddy."

From that moment until now, I've worked at being a good dad. I kept all the promises I made to myself long ago. I spent much time with them. We went to the park....we went swimming.....we went to see plays....we explored the town where we lived....I played with them.....I talked to them......I listened to what they had to say. I went to all their school events. I tried to kiss all their boo-boos....I laughed at all their adventures.

One of my favorite things was getting to see the world through their eyes. I got to see them experience the world. And it taught me so very much.

And here...22 years later....they are each beautiful young women.

Each with their own talents and dreams.

And I'm still here...loving them fiercely.....cheering them on from their balconies.

Now I count them as confidants....as close friends....

"For my daughters on their birthdays, I loved teaching you things when you were little girls... but did you know how much I was learning from you at the same time? Seeing your reactions to the world, listening to your fresh, new outlooks, and sharing in things that were important to you taught me a lot about the responsibilities -- and joys -- of being a parent. And watching you turn out to be the wonderful young women you are has reinforced something I've known all along -- you're each very special daughters! Happy Birthday with all my love, Daddy"

Lovey's Big Day

Yesterday was Lovey's big day!

Yes, at the annual meeting of her denomination's state delegates, she became commissioned. She is now, a full-fledged, probationary member.

In three short years, she can be ordained.

So, this was a day that had been before us for quite sometime. As you can see, June has been filled with such important dates: June 9, June 12, and June 20. Two down and one more to go.

Yesterday was filled with very mixed emotions for me.

I really didn't want to be there.

I knew that I would feel out of place.

I felt that it could open up some recently healed wounds.

Yet, I went...not for Lovey...but because #1 wanted me to go be with her as she attended her mom's function. #2 and my marine were unable to come see their mother go through this all important ceremony.

So, there I was, camera in hand...taking pictures of Lovey.

See Lovey enter the colliseum.

See Lovey march down the aisle in her flowing robe.

See Lovey pray.

See Lovey and her mom march to the stage.

See Lovey be prayed for and have the state big whigs lay hands on her.

See Lovey receive her certificate.

See Lovey be surrounded by all her fans. See Lovey get hugged. See Lovey eating it all up.

I got it all photographed for posterity.

She's all set for her first pastorate to begin and all the blessings of God to follow.

I drove 200 miles back home with #1 and got home at 1:30 this morning.

It had been a very long day.

FLASH!!!!

Oh God!

Today, Daughter #1 and I continued our celebration of Gay Pride by going to the street festival. Hundreds of people milling around, enjoying the music, the food, each other...what a great day. The weather couldn't have been better either. It was relatively cool, the sun appeared through the cloud occasionally.

My daughter and I wandered throughout the festival. We saw cocker spaniel adoption centers, gay hikers, gay swimmers, gay video stores, gay hikers, gay-friendly churches, gay square dancers, gay singers and gay male porn stars....what a diverse commnity.

And there, in a line for cold drinks, there he stood!

I couldn't believe my eyes.

I grabbed #1's hand....and said....

"Do you see that young blond man in the green shirt in line there?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"That's Matt! My architect! The one I've been writing about this week It's him!"

Number 1 looked at me and shook her head.

"Go over and say hello."

"I - I - I can't!"

#1 got annoyed.

"Dad. Get a grip. You're gay! You're at the Gay Pride Fesitval for goodness sake. He's here too. What does that say about him?"

"You've gotta go over with me...I can't go by myself."

"Oh, all right," #1 retorted. "Go!"

So, I timidly made my way through the crowd and tapped him on his shoulder...

"Hi Matt! How are you?

I sounded so confident...so matter-of-factly....

He turned around

There it was...

That smile. I swear I heard the angels singing again. My heart felt like it was gtoing to leap from my chest.

He laughed heartily.....shook my hand and said, "Welll well.....how are you?"

"I'm fine."

"I assume, that this is the prime reason for your divorce?" he said smiling still.

He remembered what I had told him!

'Yeah, I guess it was... So are you having a good time?"

"Aw...yeah....but it doesn't seem to be as good as last year."

"I'm having a grand time. Oh...and this is my daughter, #1."

#1, who was wearing her button that proudly proclained, "I"m Proud of My Gay Dad," smiled pleasantly and said, "It's very nice to meet you."

I was tongue tied....and flustered....and I stammered.

I can't believe that I get like this.

"It was great seeing you," I finally said.

He grinned...gave me a hearty handshake and said, "It was good seeing you too. Have fun."

I gently squeezed his left bicep and smiled broadly.

"Take care....and Happy Pride."

"You too," he said.

And with that, we all were swallowed up in the swirling masses of diversity -- going our separate ways.

Whew! What a great day!

Addendum

Today is Matt's last day.

He's the cute architect that has been seen skulking throughout my offices this week and capturing my attention. Whenever he's been around, it's almost like everyone and everything else has disappeared into a fog.

I saw him briefly today.

In the hallway....by chance...

There he was with his blueprints in hand.

We locked eyes again....

The blinding smile appeared....

He paused.

"Hi! How are you?"

"I'm fine," I answered.

"Good," he said. This time I felt his left hand touch the small of my back.

Goose bumps went from my head to my toes....

I'm sorry today is his last day.

A Roller Coaster

Today is an anniversary of sorts.

One year ago today, "Lovey" announced that she was "raw inside."

She said that she no longer loved me.

She said that she wanted a divorce.

She uttered all this at bedtime.

Thus began my year from hell. The ups and downs of the world's best roller coaster could never begin to match the ride I've been on during the past twelve months.

Although at times I feel like all this blog has accomplished has been my "whinefest." I can see substantial growth. I can see that I have come a very long way.

Even my personal physician has told me, "Frank, divorce agrees with you." She says that my body chemistry has begun changing for the better. I'm diabetic so I take a whole host of meds -- no insulin -- for a variety of ailments inlcuding blood pressure, cholesterol, and the diabetes. My sugar levels have plummeted from their norms. My cholesterol is lower than at any other time in my medical history. I'm now at 149.

My friends and family members say that I even look different. They say that I look younger.

I'm amazed.

Stress does a lot to someone like me. I spent so many years attemptiing to keep "Lovey" happy. I failed miserably, but not for lack of trying. I've now reached the conclusion that her personality type is such that I doubt she will ever find true happiness and peace.

Even the last few months before her pronouncement, I was working myself to death to install hardwood floors throughout our house. She said that she was allergic to the carpets. Literally as the last plank was set into the floor is when she announced to me her decision.

So, here I am exactly 12 months later -- somewhat different, a changed man -- yet still the same old Frank -- the same gay old Frank.

...and it's okay.

Diversions

There he was….wandering through my offices again!

Yup, the guy…the young one…..the one that I wrote about two days ago…the one that made me stutter….even stammer and who made my mind wander.

We locked eyes.

He smiled. God, that smile again.

The room exploded in light. Birds chirped….the angels sang….my heart felt like it would leap out of my chest.

I got flustered.

“Friday is my last day,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Really?” I said, trying to be nonchalant.

“Yeah. I got a job that is seven minutes from my house. I’m excited about it.”

“Congratulations,” I answered.

“So, do you have any plans for the weekend?” he asked.

“I’m going to do a few things with friends,” I said. “How about you?”

“Aw, when you’re recently out of college, your friends have all kinds of plans that never pan out.”

“How long have you been out of college?” I asked.

“Oh, two years. But, I have lots of plans.”

“Well, good for you!”

Over the span of the next ten minutes, I learned that he lived in another city about an hour north. He’s originally from the farm country of Ohio. (Somehow he looked “homegrown” with that physique….working in the fields….perspiration dripping down his shirtless chest…..those muscles glistening in the noon day sun…..)

I digress...

He owns his own house. His name is Matt. He’s an architect. He’s renovating his house. “I’ve been putting in new studs throughout,” he says proudly. (Don’t go there.)

He wants to own his own firm within 10 years. He’s 24.
There was that smile again.

He shook my hand. Great grip. We lock eyes again.

Maybe I’ll see him again…

Gee I hope so.

What a great diversion from the drama of my life.

Sorry Zack (again)!

HMMMMMM...

I really must be gay.

Today I saw him. He’s the young kid – a contractor in my office who is going around reviewing air ducts, electrical outlets and wiring issues relating to an impending “restack” of the offices within my building.

He must be 25.

He’s got blond and curly hairy.

When he looks at you with those little puppy blue eyes and grins to expose those perfect pearly white teeth.

Aw….it’s enough to cause someone like me to melt – like butter on a hot griddle.

I’ve seen him now wondering through my office space now at least 3 times in the last two days. Each time he pauses and smiles at me.

Today he actually spoke to me. He told me how nice I looked…and that I must be going to an important meeting. I got flustered and stuttered…or was that stammered….that really, I wasn’t going to a meeting, but I had a funeral to attend.

He paused, and locked eyes with me…deeply and intently, while putting the blueprints he was carrying to his side.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said compassionately.

I explained that it was for Mrs. Boss… He actually paused and there it was…that smile. He told me to take care.

He smiled again….picked up his blueprints and walked away…but turned and winked at me.

Did I remember to say how well he filled out his relatively snug dress slacks? Or how cute he looked as he walked away?

Mercy sakes!

The Countdown Continues

Two weeks and one day are left before the big day!

As of this writing, there is still no movement on the separation agreement front.

I have a prediction to make: “Lovey” is going to give me the separation agreement to sign at the last moment before she leaves. She will huff and puff and perhaps stomp her foot when I don’t jump and sign immediately. Perhaps there will even be more tears. Who knows?

I shouldn’t be expected to sign it immediately. I mean, after all, she has had the agreement since October…eight full months. I need to look it over carefully, and have my attorney look it over and provide suggestions.

In the meantime, “Lovey” took two carloads of stuff to her new abode on Friday. By looking at what’s remaining in my house, you can’t tell two carloads are gone!

She also reports that she does not have air conditioning in her house, there is mold in the house, and, there’s D-con mouse bait under her bed. She has a well, and a septic system. Hmmmmm, these aren’t good things for a woman with chronic allergies and other ailments. However, I refuse to worry about it…or get sucked into this brewing drama.

This was her goal….this was her decision to move….and to pursue HER ministry.

But it is difficult for me not to be concerned…to not be sucked in…to fix the situation…. For the past 24 or so years, that’s been my job – the protector, the caretaker, the provider.

Now I have a new role: bystander.

Will this ever get any easier?

Gone In An Instant!

Yesterday I had a wakeup call. You see, I am guilty of taking things in my life for granted: my family, my children, my health, my job, my blessings, and yes, even my cocker spaniel, Davy Dawg. I guess I should even be thankful for my gayness too!

But yesterday I had a wakeup call…or rather should I say JOLT!

Since Thanksgiving weekend last year, my boss’ wife (for the sake of this blog we’ll refer to her as Mrs. Boss) has been in and out of the hospital for a host of ailments. Now, keep in mind that Mrs. Boss is about my age…and Mr. Boss and her have 2 boys – ages 8 and 9. These people are not senior citizens.

On Mother’s Day, Mrs. Boss was taken to the hospital for yet another ailment, and was immediately placed in ICU. Since that time, until yesterday, she’s floated in and out of consciousness and they have had to revive her on four separate occasions.

I don’t really need to go into the deep dark specifics.

Yesterday she passed away.…

I was there…with a co-worker…supporting our boss. He’s devastated….his wife was the center of his universe.

She’s gone!

Seeing all the sadness and the grief he’s experiencing has kind of put my life back into perspective. Yes, this is my wakeup call. I need to be more thankful and conscious of my blessings….and be very thankful for those in my sphere who love me and are still able to.

Fear of June 20, 2006

June 20 is West Virginia Day!

This is the day that celebrates when West Virginia was admitted into the Union in the year 1863.

In 1963 when I was five years old, the West Virginia Centennial was a big deal. I still have some trinkets at home from that time period and I remember quite well the little black bear that was the symbol of that celebration.

Not only did I learn the June 20 was West Virginia Day, but I also learned that the state flower was the Rhododendron; the state song was something called "Those West Virginia Hills," I saw a play on the West Virginia Showboat called THE RHODODENDRON. It was docked downtown in my hometown...then the largest city in West Virginia...on the Ohio River. The adult I was with at this time was excited to take me to see this fascinating boat. So on the day prior to the performance, we walked down to the river...and there was a lady sunbathing on the sternwheel. I was amazed! I couldn't imagine how she got on the paddles! What site...and here some 43 years later it seems like ysterday.

The final thing I remember from that year was the state motto: "Montani semper liberi" -- Mountaineers are always free!

I'm from West Virginia...and I guess that makes me a mountaineer. So I have always been and will always be free!

Throughout my adult life, June 20 has always been a day of special fondness. No matter what I'm doing I always let those memories of age five drift across my mind...and I smile.

This year I fear...and almost dread June 20. But all through this past 12 months, I"ve dreaded all sorts of other days....like September 28, 2005 which was the 24th anniversary of my proposal to Lovey. December 12, 2005 which was my 24th wedding anniversary. February 14, 2006 which was Valentine's Day. May 1, 2006 which was my 48th Birthday. May 25, 2006 which was Lovey's 51st Birthday. BUT...I sailed past those days...without any issues.....without any tears....without any painful memories.

But I fear June 20, 2006. It's because this is the day it all becomes final physically....Lovey leaves for the last time.....with her stuff.....her multitudes of boxes......the furniture.....the keepsakes......and I'm left...here, with my daughter and my memories, my regrets, my feelings of failure, and, yes, some feelings of insecurity and inadequacy are mixed up in that mess too.

Yes, it's building to this crescendo of sadness....and I feel trapped. I feel like I need to do something....anything to get my mind off this terrible day. Anything to keep me from imploding.....melting into tears and profound sadness.

Gosh, I wish it were all over. But I have to face it. I have to go through this one final day.

I'm a Mountaineer and I'm free.......and I'm afraid.

Tears and Memories

June 20, 2006 is the date of the move.

As of this writing…”Lovey” has not produced a revised separation agreement. She received my edits in October.

“Lovey” has not yet completed her portion of our joint tax return.

Today is “Lovey’s” final day at her full-time job – the job she has held for the past 11 years – the job she took an $11K pay cut to have because it would save her a bundle as she pursued her Divinity degree.

They threw her a big farewell shindig yesterday….and gave her tokens of esteem for all her hard work.

Daughter #1 was invited to go and to also take pictures. She didn’t want to go. She then said she would go, if I went. I told her that it would be highly inappropriate for me to show up. I wasn’t invited.

“You could take pictures, Dad,” she said.

I still declined.

It just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t invited. I’m the former spouse. There’s no reason for me to have gone.

Daughter #1 did not go either.

Was I wrong for not going?

Guilt begins to rear its ugly head…and it’s glaring at me.

This weekend we had dinner at Mom O’Lovey’s. It was a calm affair. The meal was great.

I never talk a lot at these gatherings. I guess I fear that whatever I say will be taken wrong and I’ll be verbally attacked. Worse yet, I’m afraid I’ll cause tears.

I’m good at causing Lovey to cry.

Flashback to July of last year: after the grand pronouncement, “Lovey” and daughter #1 and I went to see “Monster In-Law”. I enjoyed the film.

Following the movie, discussion centered around weddings and what Daughter #1 was thinking of how her wedding might be. “Better hope that your mother marries into wealth next time ‘round,” I said, trying to make it light. “God knows, I’m gonna be a pauper!”

Lovey burst into tears. “You’re being so cruel” she sobbed.

Yup, that’s me. I think in another life I was the Marquis de Sade.

I vowed then and there to not say anything again to try and lighten any situation. So, in close family situations, I don’t say much. I keep my thoughts to myself.

Also this weekend, Lovey purchased herself new bedroom furniture. The style isn’t anything like I would have thought she would purchase. Guess I don’t know her.

Flashback to a morning in October: my bedroom door bursts open…..and there are those tears….and the screams. How dare I give her these changes to her agreement! Is this how little I thought of her for all those years? How dare I put in a reservation for alimony should my circumstances warrant! How dare I say that she owes me money to bring my retirement accounts on par with hers! I’m cruel. I’ve not been supportive of her. She fled the house that day in tears and didn’t return for 3 days.

Flashback to an evening in November: at the closing on the house. It’s mine. She has her money. She’s signed the documents. The lenders and lawyers step out of the room. She thinks I screwed her out of money. She wanted the proceeds from the HELOC that I've received.

She’d been advised that I’d take advantage of her. Tears…

Proud

This post is going to be a little different and somewhat shorter than my usual whinings.

I’ve found that the LOGO network on my local cable system is a wonderful resource as I continue the process of becoming more comfortable as a gay man.

The other night I happened to see a music video that I hadn’t seen before of a song that I had never heard before. It was a catchy tune…and something about it is one of those songs that just affects you on an emotional level in a very profound way. It’s uplifting. It’s got a great message.

From how the video was put together, it looked as if it appeared to be from the popular family movie, “Akeelah and the Bee.” I haven’t seen this movie. I don’t know what it’s about, but something about that song made me embark on a quest to find this song.

So on Sunday Evening, I spent quite a bit of time trying to find it. I didn’t write down the name of the song or the name of the artist. All I knew was that it used the word pride or proud……and it apparently was from the movie. It took about an hour for me to even locate a copy of the soundtrack album from this movie. The store was down to its last two copies…and there it was: Track #12, “Proud”. I listened to the demo the store had….and sure enough…that was it! So, I purchased one.

I ran out to my car…..unwrapped the CD….and fast forwarded to the cut.

There it was! I was now the proud owner of “Proud.” (No pun intended.) My daughter even commented on how great the song was. (This, from my daughter, was quite a compliment!)

It’s a joyous piece…that’s guaranteed to uplift your very soul!

The song is simply entitled, “Proud”, by Heather Small. Here are the lyrics.

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I'm on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know (there are so many answers)
Realise that to question is how we grow (to question is to grow)
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I'm on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same (yeah)

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

(yeah) We need a change (Yeah)
Do it today (yeah)
I can feel my spirit rising
(change, yeah) We need a change (yeah)
So do it today (yeah)
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud? (to make you feel proud)
(let me hear ya X3)So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
(yeah X4)'Cause you could be so many people
if you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

In this season of Gay Pride Celebrations throughout the world….ask yourself that question….whether you’re in the closet or out.

“What have you done today to make you feel proud?”

The Pill

I just read the latest installment of “Drew’s Next Step.” In it he talks about whether or not he would change to be straight, if he could. I responded to it and I was fairly shocked by how I responded.

My men’s group used to ask a set of icebreaker questions every time we would meet. Here are some of them:

• How many of you identify as gay, bi, or straight?
• How many of you have felt depressed as a result of your same-sex attractions?
• How many of you have told your wives?
• How many of you have told your kids?
• How many of you are married? Separated? Divorced?
• How many of you would take a little pill to make your self straight?

Not many hands go up for the last question.

To be honest, I guess I wouldn’t want to take the pill to become straight…simply because I have worked so hard to become happy with the person I currently am…namely gay!

I love male bonding….and the closeness. I love the camraderie. I love the intensity.

I think when we’re dealing with the issue of our gayness….there comes a stage where we feel it would be so much easier to make it go all away. To move with the current as opposed to going against it.

To play along with what society says is normal.

But…if we look at it objectively….what IS the big deal about being gay? Oh yeah, we’ve wrecked others’ lives in the process. We’ve taken times from our wives and at least in my case, made them live like hell, as she likes to say.

So, one must ask in the process….why did we marry in the first place?

In my case, I married out of love…but also out of societal pressure to conform and be like everyone else: get married, buy a house, have children….the American Dream!

For me it has been more of a nightmare really.

Had I really had the nerve to be the person I was made to be, who knows? Perhaps I would have been happier. Perhaps I would not. Perhaps I would not have had children. Perhaps I would have. Perhaps I would have gotten AIDS and died by now. Perhaps not.

I guess we’ll never know.
Only a few things about my life are certain:

I’ve got my 3 wonderful children.

I’m gay.

I’m beginning to enjoy my life.

I would not take the pill.

Happy Birthday Lovey!

Yesterday, “Lovey” turned 51 years old and I sent her an email greeting that wished her a happy birthday.

Her email response said that she was glad that I had remembered.

I guess the real problem I have is that I remember lots of things….some good and some bad. It’s the remembrances of things bad that tend to haunt me the most.

As we continue to bob and weave to the end of this hellish divorce finale, I find that I struggle the most with trusting her….of wondering when she says something how much is sincere…..how much is the “real” Lovey.

She has said more than once that another one of the reasons for the divorce is that I never allowed HER to be herself. Good heavens…if I hadn’t done that for almost 25 years, then who has she been?

A friend of mine from the office came to me and was asking how I had been doing. I told her. She then asked me, what would you do if “Lovey” were to ask for your forgiveness and seek to reconcile. I responded by saying confidently…. “That wouldn’t work. It’s over!”

Why?

It’s all the memories of the bad stuff. I want peace in my life….I’m tired of living as if I must walk on egg shells in order to survive. Trying to remember all the rules “Lovey” instituted:

• No wooden spoons in the dishwasher.
• No pots and pans in the dishwasher.
• All items are arranged HER way. No other way is correct.
• Items are folded in the linen closet cylindrically so that more items can be crammed together.
• Keep the toilet seat down at all times.

God forbid you do any of these things any other way…there would be hell to pay. Then, in the scorecard she keeps in her mind, the infraction is but another way of showing that I, the husband, do not respect her!

Then, there are the shoes…

Another reason for the divorce says she, is the fact that I never allowed her to buy shoes. Hmmmm….I guess she figured me out. Since I couldn’t keep her pregnant, I decided to keep her barefoot.

Oddly, the clothes closet in my room that was hers still has a multitude of shoes in them. She now owns a carousel in her room that allows her to admire her collection very effectively! All she has to do is to turn the little handle on the top….and her shoes REVOLVE! She has shoes in boxes AND in her closet in her room there are shoes!

When we used to have this barefoot discussion, I’d point to the shoe collection. Her response would always be, “Those old things….they don’t fit!” I always wondered, then why did she buy them? I guess it’s a man thing.

Oh well, I’m gay. What do I know?

Still no word from Reverend Harold. I don’t know if he is still in tears and sobbing uncontrollably because of the news…or if he has gotten a grip on the news.

Officially, “Lovey” has not told me of their conversation. So, I, the Great Satan, await rebuke from Reverend Harold about not letting “Lovey” be who she is…..or for keeping her barefoot all these years….or the wooden spoons, toilet seats or about my gayness.

Perhaps he’ll feel better once I tell him about the shoe carousel!

"Lovey" Finally Levels

Well, “Lovey” finally had the courage to tell her friend, the minister who married us, the sad news of our imminent divorce!

Allow me to drag you down my memory lane for a moment.

As posted earlier, “Lovey” and I entered wedded bliss on December 12, 1981. Harold, the minister, had been her friend forever. He came from his little Pentecostal church driving some 2.5 hours to our bigger church and performed the ceremony at “Lovey’s” insistence. Because he knew her so well, he performed the ceremony and waived his rule of premarital counseling he always provides to couples.

So, on December 12, 1981 at 2pm, I heard Harold’s booming deep voice inform the congregation, “And there was a marriage at Cana of Galilee…” That recording of the ceremony is priceless. His voice booms. My voice is strong and full of youth. “Lovey’s” is breathy and with a southern twang. (She’d returned not long before from the hills of Appalachia….a story for another day.) It’s amusing to hear her twang as she says “I, Lovey, take THEE, Frank, as my lawfully wedded HUZband.” For meanness I would load an audio clip for you pleasure, but won’t.

I’ve enjoyed talking to Harold through the years. Although he’s wound a bit tight and is VERY fundamentalist in his beliefs, he is a good man and I believe means well. However, he is one of those straight men that I have intentionally kept at an arm’s length. He’s even remarked to "Lovey" that I am not easy to get to know….and that I’m rather distant.

Well, after I came out to “Lovey”, I found out that Harold was one of the first people she outted me to. He responded that he already knew this. (I love it when straight folks make this pronouncement.) This was probably one of the reasons I distanced myself from him.

Harold also had a gay brother that was an interior decorator I became friends with. But, the gay brother joined one of those “ex-gay” ministries and was delivered and he was able to change. I never was able to confirm this directly with the brother because he died about six months ago.

I digress.

After “Lovey” decided to divorce me, she said that she did not want Harold to know that we were divorcing because knowing Harold as she did, she was afraid he would drive up here and try to fix us. Looking at it from hindsight, it’s kind of odd that she was afraid of this.

I agreed to not tell him. So the many times he has called and talked to us, we have played happily married couple! We did this even when he told us about his eldest son getting a divorce from his wife. (Harold performed that ceremony too. However, I guarantee he did all the premarital counseling on that one!)

It seemed so hypocritical to me to play happy, when in fact were such miserable wretches.

But, I cannot be accused of not being a team player. I went along.

So, today the little game we played is over.

Harold cried.

I assume that “Lovey” told him that it was because of my gayness. He probably will call and talk to me about it. He’ll probably think I have lost my Christianity or better yet, “turned my back on God” or something awful like that.

We’ll see.

Everything Leaves Its Mark

This past weekend I went to a church that’s not my “home” church.

I didn’t go to my “home” church for many reasons, but mainly because “Lovey” is still on staff until mid-June. I also didn’t go because I don’t know if I really want to continue going there or not.

Primarily this is due to the fact that the pastor, the associate pastor and the interim pastor, key staff members, and various church members have done an excellent job at making me feel invisible. I suppose that they, along with a lot of my other “friends” have felt the need to take sides over the “divorce” thing, and I’m not considered to be the winning team to gain their affections or even their concern.

While I realize that this is a normal part of the divorce process, I am surprised that trained ministers cannot pick up the telephone to just say something like, “Hi Frank! I know that this has been a little tough on you. Are you okay? I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you.”

I’ve not been at the church there for several months now. Only a very few have made such a call to me….and for this I am quite grateful. When I’ve spoken to “Lovey” about this, she says it’s because that the ministry staff feels that this is such an “awkward situation.” You’d think that such highly trained and skilled professionals would find such awkwardness easy to navigate – especially since none of those involved are novice ministers.

One of my kids said that it’s probably because I’ve not been around….maybe I should call them. My feeling is that Jesus never waited for the “lost” sheep to call him to say, “Hey Jesus! Just thought I would call to tell you, I’m lost.” He sort of went looking for those he thought were missing….or sick….or injured…..or wounded….

My wounds are healing. But they have left their marks upon me….scars.

It’s funny how when I’ve been in a bad way and I go to church, the sermon always seems to speak directly to my situation.

This week’s message at the church I attended talked about how one can tell the age of a tree, based on it’s rings that’s made by the substances that accumulate over a year inside the trunk. The rings mark the age of a tree.

The minister then went on to discuss how various life events mark us and help develop us as individuals and how encounters with God also leave marks. When we wrestle with God about His plan for our lives, it leaves its mark.

However, in spite of all the marks life leaves on us, God still loves us……unconditionally…in spite of our foibles….our dramas…our quirks.

This sermon has been a source of great comfort to me so far this week. I’ve kept that it mind as I have beat myself up for my shortcomings…..for my failures……for my divorce…..for my gayness…..for my drama…..for my quirks.

This journey isn’t an easy one.

Celebration!

Yesterday I got to spend again with “them.”

Yeah, you know those people…they’re the ones I spent Mother’s Day with.

This time we were at my mother-in-law’s house. The house where “Lovey” grew up. The one where all her sisters grew up. The one where I have spent countless hours at similar family gatherings in.

Everyone was in a festive mood. It seemed like everyone was there to celebrate something. The prime reason, of course, was to celebrate my daughter’s graduation. They also celebrated the wedding anniversary of Suzanne’s oldest sister and husband.

Then, there was the other couple…”Lovey’s” niece and her fiancee’s wedding which is scheduled for October 14.

I overdosed on all the marital bliss.

I walked into the living room and there was “Lovey’s” picture – hanging just under her mom’s wedding day picture. “Lovey” was smiling broadly, holding her bouquet, every hair in place, and the gown was exquisite!

Gee, what a difference 25 years makes! Bet it won’t be too much longer for that picture to be taken down…

I find myself in a different place today. Perhaps it’s a bit of melancholy. Perhaps it’s a bit of longing for the olden days.

I keep telling myself that those days are gone forever….and that really, when you stop and think about it, those days weren’t all that good.

Still, there is a comfort in what used to be…; the future, right now, is just way too scary and uncertain...

Rubble

Back in the years when “Lovey” and I were dating, there was a pizza place that she and I frequented. We even went there when she was pregnant and she ate for lunch, an entire bowl of Jalapeno Peppers – ONLY!

Yesterday, I was in that section of town. I drove to the spot that had once been so familiar to us.

The restaurant was nothing more than a pile of rubble.

The sign says that it will be replaced by a fast food restaurant.

As I sat there looking at the rubble before me, I couldn’t help but feel how appropriate this was. After all, look at my marriage. It’s nothing more than a pile of rubble too.

I got home and let my dog out.

I went inside and looked around at my house. It, too, is nothing more than a pile of rubble. Boxes and boxes everywhere…piles of papers…..tupperware…..pictures…..everywhere I looked, pieces of a marriage that once was.

Yes, in about four weeks, “Lovey” will be history. She’ll walk out the door of my house for the final time.

Her boxes will be gone. The furniture will be gone. The bookcases will be gone. The books will be gone. The china will be gone. Her clothes will be gone.

Us will officially be me. We will officially become I. Ours will officially become mine.

I will rise from the rubble….out of the ashes….I will become master of my own destiny. out of the ashes….

Having My Cake and Eating It Too!

It’s really odd to reread some of my entries during the period in 2003 of my meltdown and the time that “Lovey” said that we were divorcing in 2005. It was during this period of time that I felt I had made some really good personal growth. The writings show it and they also reveal that I’m pretty good at sensing things. This is good and bad.

What follows is only part of a very long and drawn-out entry where I had come to “Lovey’s” defense with her family. (One of hundreds over the course of our marriage.) Sister #2 had written her fundamentalist opinions on such varied topics as John Kerry’s lack of spirituality, George Bush – the man of God, the evils of gay marriage and of gay people in general, and some rather caustic comments of Lovey. My lighthearted response was met with a flood of tears by Sister #2, and some downright nasty assertions that sadly weren’t too Christian and left me full of questions and hostility. I won’t bore you with that long analysis and recount of the details. What’s really important in that long journal entry is the following last part:

October 18, 2004 -- I’m still operating on the fears of 12 short months ago – discussions of divorce – going our separate ways. I find myself after all this time looking over my shoulder half expecting this to all surface again. I could get paranoid and wonder what all “Lovey” tells Dr. B. What does she or has she told her friends about me?

I don’t have the vocabulary right now to adequately describe what it’s like to live in my skin…or how my gayness clouds my every waking moment. Nobody knows how much energy I have wasted just by trying to conform and be like others. No one knows the tears I’ve shed because of my differences or the frustrations I feel when I’ve tried to be who I am only to be accused of being selfish –thinking of my own wants and desires. “Wanting my cake and eating it too!”

There’s that comment that has seeped into my consciousness more times than I can count: “Wanting My Cake and Eating It Too!”

My dear wife loves to throw that comment at me at the oddest of times. She did it when she first announced in 2003 that she wanted us to end. She made the comments to me at our joint sessions with her psychiatrist. She’s hurled it at me all during this separation.

My response is: “Where’s the cake?”

Cake, in my mind, is a reward for good behavior. Cake is for celebrations of fun events. Cake is for desert. Cake is a treat.

Throughout my marriage I strove to be the person that everyone seemed to want. I was the family man. I put everyone’s needs and desires before my very own. I tried to live as a straight man in all aspects. I tried to be a good, church goer.

But in that whole other life, I lost me. I lost what I wanted. I lost who I was. I lost the ability to think of the things I enjoyed.

Where’s the cake in all that?

My wife thinks that because I have had opportunities to express my sexual needs that this is the cake.

She thinks that because I have had her as a “covering” that I have been able to “play it straight” and continue to enjoy men.

She thinks that this is the cake.

Had I not been trying to be the “perfect husband” and to be honest with her out of consideration of her safety and her wellbeing, she would have never known about my other needs. I could have kept them secret. Then, in her mind, where would the cake have been?

I think I am learning just where the cake in my life is.

It’s in the fact that I now have a peaceful life.

It’s in the fact that when she moves out in about a month, my household will be peaceful.

It’s in the fact that I can live my life the way that pleases me.

It’s in the fact that I won’t have any more domestic arguments.

It’s in the fact that I won’t have to defend any of my desires.

It’s in the fact that I won’t have to make excuses for my shortcomings.

It’s in the fact that I can finally be me.

Boring, peaceful, me…living with my dog….and my eldest daughter.

Enjoying what life has to offer.

And in the end, enjoying the love of a good man physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Feeling his big strong arms holding me as I drift off to sleep at night.

Yes, there’s my cake.

My Balcony

I don’t know who said that the whole world is a stage, but as I get older, I have to agree with the concept.

If the whole world is a stage, then I’m the star of my life. My wife, children and dog are co-stars. Guest stars include “Lovey’s” sisters (all 3 of them), their husbands, their children, and Mother O’Lovey. Then there are those folks who make cameo appearances….who float into and out of my life periodically.

Finally there are those people who are in my balcony.

Residents of any balcony generally are the greatest distance from the stage. They are the ones you may see in the shadows of the spotlight. When the star appears, they are usually the first to applaud or provide cat-calls.

The ones in the balcony see the whole stage – the whole picture. Depending on the location of the balcony and select boxes, one may even see the actors preparing for their big entrance from stage left or stage right, just beyond the scenery.

Since I’ve begun to blog, I’ve learned that my balcony is filled with more people than I could have ever imagined. You, dear reader, are one of my balcony residents!

Lots of people have appeared unexpectedly and I’ve found that I have a number of what I call unexpected friends. They have written to me to provide insight and to provide feedback into areas of my life that have become jaded by my own preconceived notions.

My balcony is made up of many fellow travelers on this journey. They, along with their wives and other family members, know the heartbreak that the gay thing can bring into a marriage or relatively stable family life. Each person there has their own story….each unique…..but each strangely the same.

I’ve received so many wonderful comments of encouragement submitted here, and sent to me backchannel. It’s quite fulfilling to know that my writings are doing something rather than rattling around in cyberspace without any effect.

Still there are a number of you out there that I have not heard from, but still you still pass through my balcony. The reports I get from my blog tell me that I have readers in Indonesia, Jordan, Croatia, France, Britain, Mexico, Peru, Austin, and the like. It amazes me how the little journal I have been keeping for the past month and a half has taken wings and flown around the world!

To those fellow sojourners who have added my blog to the links section of their’s, thank you. I only hope that you know that I’m cheering you on from your balcony as well! The same holds true for those men who I have linked to.

I’m also amazed by the number of wives out there who continue to support your husbands through their journey. Today, I was moved to tears as I read a posting on Nate’s blog that his wife had left him as an anniversary gift. I’ve never had that. What a blessing it must be to Nate to have such support.

No one ever promised us that life would be easy or fair. Those of us who struggle with the gay thing know all too well that the complications of being gay and the strain on our marriages aren’t fun. But I do understand from all that I have read, and from the people I have talked to who have come through to the other side that things do get better.

For this I thankfully look forward to.

In the meantime, I keep pushing forward and watching the smiles of those people I can see way up there in my balcony!

Mother's Day 2006

Mother’s Day was certainly “different” this year.

Since 1984, I have always tried to honor my wife because of her exalted role of being a mother. I’d get a card, some flowers, maybe some of her favorite candy, and even take her to dinner with the kids.

It was odd this year.

After much thinking, I decided not to do anything special for that day. I guess part of me wanted to see what would happen. I wanted to see if anything I used to do would be missed. I don't think it was.

At the last possible moment on the Saturday before Mother’s Day, I was informed that I was in fact invited to the family gathering to honor “Lovey’s” mother. It would be at one of “Lovey’s” sisters’ palaces.

I didn’t’ want to go and spend time with those people. #1 informed me that I HAD to go…if nothing else to be there with HER. So, since #1 had said she wanted to go to church wherever I chose to go that morning, we could leave for the palace afterwards.

So, this is what we did.

Earlier in the week I had given Mom O’Lovey a pot of mums and a special card from me. It contained a refrigerator magnet that was styled after an old magazine cover from the 1960s. Something I thought she’d like…and her refrigerator always can use another magnet. She was pleased.

Lucky me! I got to spend time with all these people.

How do I refer to them now? Ex-family? Former family? Old family? Family?

Who knows?

I felt like a stranger anyway. This was probably because of my own thinking. It’s probably because I was continuing to think in terms of “I wonder which of these people know that I’m gay?”

Our hostess – the palace owner – is a fundamentalist Christian, so she blessed the food. In her blessing she talked thanked God for the “pain of her loins” or the “fruit of her loins”. Whatever. I wasn’t paying attention. My daughter nudged me and asked if I thought her blessing was appropriate. For the life of me, I didn’t want to think of palace’s owner’s loins in the first place – and before a meal? Ewwwww.

Dinner passed. Dessert was served. Then cards and gifts were opened by Mom O’Lovey. The first card she opened was from the hostess – the palace owner. The card she had gotten Mom was the exact same one I had given her 3 days ago! I chuckled.

We also got a chance to meet my niece’s (or former niece…or ex-niece….or old niece). (Whatever) fiancé. They marry in October.

He’s 29, she’s 23. He still lives with his mother. He brought a fruit concoction on a hot pink plate. He was very warm and outgoing. He then talked about his flair for being dramatic! And did I mention the very AVANT GUARDE glasses he wore?

Was that a blip on my gaydar? Surely not!

In the midst of all this was “Lovey.”

I truly wish her well in her future endeavors at the two churches she will be in charge of shortly.

But I still worry…

Ramblings

I feel like the old Frank today and this is a good feeling!

I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few days ago. We both agreed that there are times when we are tired of being gay.

Think about it.

A straight person doesn’t have to worry about their straightness. They don’t have to look at how their straightness has ended their marriages or at the very least strained them. (Unless their hormones have run amok and they feel the need to mate with everything that moves.)

They don’t have special “straight” media that help them to learn more about their community and affirm them. They don’t have to decide if they are going to have a “Straight Pride” bumper sticker on their car.

Why, they don’t even have to decide what they are were to their annual “Straight Pride” festival or parade. Heck, they don’t even have such a thing in the first place!

So, in my little life I find that I get overwhelmed at times by all my gay books that I read about gay history, gay lifestyles, famous people who were gay, the gay newspaper, the gay magazines that I subscribe to, the gay blogs I read, the gay radio station I listen to on my car’s satellite radio system or even the gay network I watch on my cable television!

Gee…straight people have it so much easier!

In the meantime, I’m a gay man trying to navigate the waters of his relatively new-found “freedom”.

This weekend was spent trying to make order out of the chaos that has descended upon my house. “Lovey” has finally decided to begin packing boxes of “her” things. Boxes are everywhere! Paper is everywhere!

Moving day is scheduled for the week of June 19.

I’ve been looking at various furniture stores to try and get an idea as to what my taste in styles is. Since “Lovey” is taking all the main level furniture with her, I will actually be able to find out. Keep your fingers crossed.

FLASHBACK: November 7, 2003

When I'm troubled about something, I write.

I don't know where I picked this up from, but I just do. I don't address it to anyone in particular, I just know that on some levels that writing makes me feel a lot better.

As I've been trying to make room on the computer for more important stuff, I've run across a whole file folder full of such writings. So, since this blog is about the demise of my marriage and rising from the ashes, I think it might be good to share some of this with each of you. Since I had no blog at the time, it will provide a little insight as to what I was feeling at various pre-blog states. There's really no need for it to just exist on my computer -- unread by anyone else.

Keep in mind that the feelings expressed in the following entry are not to be confused with current feelings. I've travelled quite a distance since these words were written.

This entry takes us back to November 7, 2003. This is a week after Lovey nailed me the first time. This is the time where, if I didn't have a nervous breakdown, I came the closest I have ever been to one.

November 7, 2003


Today I am numb. This is all because of the events of the past seven days. It was just one week ago today that my wife announced, at the breakfast table, that she thought we had come to the end of our marriage and that we needed to be heading in that direction within the next 3-4 years. I was simply devastated by these few simple words. So measured….so precise….so clinical.

What to do?

Upon reflection I suppose I also feel quite stupid. I mean, until she mentioned those few words, I had thought we were happy, that we did have something special going for us. Yes, I’m gay…but I thought I was compensating mightily for that. I thought that now since we were going through the pains of empty nesters, we could build on what we have going for us.

I was wrong.

She says that she feels like she and the rest of the family are in the closet because of me.

She is afraid that I wll jeopardize her ministry….especially if I come out….or I’m discovered while she is pastoring a church somewhere.

She feels as though she is a fifth wheel in her family even though she’s the mother. I made a boo-boo when I told the girls about her feelings…..and when I told my mother.

She doesn’t see that her feelings about being like a fifth wheel are self-driven.

She’s the one who has chosen to be busy with church work….with her degree…..etc……and not to totally focus of building relationships with the kids

She’s the one who has been doing things with the kids and then saying, “I could have been home studying, etc.” in order to make the kids be aware of the total sacrifice she is making in order to spend some time with them.

She’s the one who has been outing me to everyone. She’s the one who is adding additional strain to the relationship with my parents by her not developing any type of relationship with them. She has not darkened the door of their house in 5 years!

Yes, I’m to be blamed for all that has gone wrong in all these years. I guess this is okay!

Our pastor asked yesterday for each of us to decide if we are happy in the marriage.

Funny, until Friday last week, I thought I was.

Why?

Why do I feel like I do?

Why am I unhappy at the moment?

Why do I feel left out just because my wife is getting her long-held desire to pastor not one, but two churches at once?

Why am I sad that for the first time in 24 years, I'm not invited to the family gathering to celebrate Mother's Day, when I don't really want to be around those people anyway?

Why am I gay?

Why can't I get past all these confusing feelings and move on?

Why can't I be REALLY happy?

Why do I feel like such a failure as a human being?

Why do I feel like I'm floundering?

Why do I feel like I'm whining all the time?

Why do I feel like I'm stuck on a roller coaster and will never get off?

Why do I worry so much about my future?

Why am I so unsure of myself and what I can do?

Why do I feel like this?

Can someone tell me?

Why?

Detachment

Something new appears to be brewing at my house.

It's called detachment.

It's a very strange phenomenon.

"Lovey" appears to be preparing for her move with an enormous emount of enthusiasm and excitement. After all, she's moving to a new area....beginning a new job....and embarking on a new life.

So, as she makes her plans, packs her boxes, and makes her purchases, there's just not any interest in her old life.

I first noticed the detachment on Thursday evening of this past week. She and I were attending an awards banquet for our daughter prior to commencement.

The same was true on Friday...

Then on Saturday, the day of graduation, the BIGGGG DAY.....there it was again. No real warmth.....no exuberance.....no real emotion. It all seemed so very mechanical. Not like what one would expect from the mother of a beautiful daughter, graduating summa cum laude from a large college with a 4.0 average!

Maybe all mothers who are divorcing gay dads can't wait to leave the festivities of graduations (and have to be practically begged to haul some belongings back home from the graduate) in order to go shopping for things in their new house.

Do mother's not act happy and joyful when an offspring graduates with myriad accomplishments?

Isn't this strange?

Did I expect too much?

Graduation!

This weekend daughter number one graduated from college Summa Cum Laude!

It was quite a big deal...and I must say, I was more proud than anyone could ever imagine.

The other big event was the fact that my parents were there and it was the first time since all the talk of divorce that they had laid an eye on "Lovey." I gave my mother the same speech over and over again...."This weekend is not about you.....it's not about "Lovey", or "Lovey's" family...it's not about me and "Lovey"....but it's about your eldest granddaughter and her achievements.

So, at one of the ponds on the campus, my parents saw "Lovey"....and it went well, considering the tenseness. My mom and "Lovey" did not wind up in the pond fighting a la Linda Evans and Joan Collins in Dynasty.

Whew!

Watching the festivities and seeing my daughter eclipsed any attitudes. I ignored the drama and focused on her.

But there were silly moments over the course of the week...like when "Lovey" called my cellphone and she got what she thought was an answer and no one spoke to her, she immediately thought that my mother was in some way snubbing her. She left a very terse message that said that she was sorry that no one would talk with her.... Well, sorry to say, at the time, no one was there to talk with her because my parents and I were in a Mexican restaurant eating dinner. But the bitterness in the recording of her voice was something to hear.....especially since she is a minister!

After I got home...and my parent drove home to where they live....I found myself coming off the high that I have been experiencing over the past few days. I think what has happened is that with all the excitement surrounding my daughter's graduation, and the fact that my parents were coming, and the fact that Zach would be there....well, after it was all over...it seems like air has escaped from a balloon. I'm not "down" per se...but I'm certainly not as "high" as I was....

I guess the fact that I'm suffering from dual ear infections and a sore throat has not helped my mood....

We've gotten the word that "Lovey" will be pastoring 2 churches. This means that they are two small country churches and she will be required to preach twice each Sunday. They are in a town that is approximately 85-90 miles away from where we currently live. She's already gone to see the churches...and she has looked at the parsonage where she will be living. It's a lot better place than I thought she might get. The house is currently empty...and she is scheduled to officially move on June 28. Hopefully she will be able to begin doing some serious moving earlier. So we shall see.

My next hurdle of pain will be when she begins to officially move out. I dread it. But, one good thing is the fact that I have my daughter with me now. She will help make the transition easier.

Tears...

I went to my mailbox today and there was an envelope addressed to me from my daughter in Nashville, TN. She's the singer that is working toward two degrees... She has always dreamed of a career in the music business. One degree will be in commercial vocal performance and the other will be in music business. Her graduation will be this December. I fully expect her to attain her goal...and it's going to be quite fun watching her career progress as I get older.

This is also the same daughter who wrote Shades of Gray that was posted here a few days ago.

I opened the envelope from her and there was a birthday card. The card says:

For My Dad

As I get older, I realize more and more how lucky I've always been to have a dad like you. Thanks for giving me the kind of love that makes all the difference...all through my life. Happy 48th Birthday.

Then in her beautiful handwriting she wrote:

"Dear Daddy. You'll never know and I don't think I'll ever know how much your love, encouragement, and support have shaped my life. Every day I'm made aware of it by the conversations that I have with my friends. I hope the man that I marry will have the exact same kind of love for our children as you've had for us. I love you and I hope this year is an amazing new beginning for you! Love...."

Tears rolled down my face.

They are rolling now.

Smiles

I guess I'm in a writing mood today. So, look out, there could be more than one post for today. I don't know.

Life has been so rotten for so long, it's so cool to be able to smile again....and to laugh.....and to just enjoy being me.

A few days ago, I splurged and bought a camera for my Mac. I decided to do this for two reasons actually -- the first being that I could communicate with my kids and other family by voice and by face. The second reason is that I could enter into the realm of video chat with some of my friends out in cyber space -- some of whom I have never met.

Two things really stand out. The guys with whom I have had such chatting invariably comment on my eyes and my smile. Hmmmm...I never thought that my eyes were anything special than just being eyes. The smile part? Well, since I haven't had very much to smile about int he past few years, those comments took me off guard.

So, I took a few moments....got on my computer.....activated the camera and just looked at myself for a few moments. No...I have't gone narcissistic. But I tried to look at me the way others do. I looked at my face....my hair......my wrinkles (not too many of those for someone at 48)....and then it happened.

I smiled.

And as I watched myself smile.....the smile got bigger!

I think I saw it....what the other guys have noted. I guess as smiles go, it's a great smile. It feels good to smile. I have a lot to be happy about...really. So, it definitely seems that I have turned another corner in my journey.

And the smiles are beginning to expand.....into laughter! This is definitely different!!!

Last night, a dear friend, his wife, and elderly mother took me to dinner to celebrate my birthday. (Yeah...we're back to that again.) I arrived early...and was all settled in, when they arrived. But dumb me forgot that the mother was in a wheel chair and where the hosts had placed me was not conducive to wheelchairs. So I moved.

When we all got settled, our waiter appeared. He wasn't just a run of the mill waiter...but this one definitely could stop traffic. He was young and beautiful....and it set off the gaydar BIG TIME. My friends at the table, all of whom know I'm gay....and love me anyway sensed the gay thing. After the waiter departed, my friend's wife said, "Well, in honor of your birthday, I had him be our waiter!" (Not)....but we all burst out laughing. It was a priceless moment....where I didn't feel like such an alien. It definitely was a special birthday moment.

I laughed....heartily....

It was a great way to cap off my first birthday as single and gay!

Happy Birthday--2

What a great day! I've received a number of emails....cards in the mail.....and telephone greetings. Thanks to all of you for remembering me...and for your words of kindness. They are very much appreciated.

But that's not why I posted about my birthday today....

I suppose what it comes down to is the fact that I have a reason to celebrate. I survived the year and I am looking forward to the coming weeks, months and years to see what good things come my way! I am so thankful. You will never know.

It seems like the long dark night has passed.

Finally, for this post I want to end with a funny thing that happened last night that I meant to post before, but since I write these things early in the morning at the office before the day goes crazy...I can be somewhat incoherant. So I forgot this.

While driving to my daughter's college yesterday and my wife and I were talking about the overall shallowness of her family not contacting me....and the fact that the pastoral staff hadn't bothered to contact me, a song came on the radio that I hadn't really focused on. It hit the nail on the head...and further affirmed me. (Please note...that I'm no longer bitter about all this....but in some warped way I can see some humor in it.)

The song is from the latest JoDee Messina album, Delicious Surprise. This is the same album that contains the song, "My Give A Damn's Busted" another fun song!

This one's called simply, "Where Were You?" I hope no one ever has to say this to me after they've gone through a storm.

Where Were You?

It's good to see you come 'round, it's been a while
Sure is nice to see your smile
Yah I'm doing better now, thought about
Callin' you a hundred times
Oh I had left a couple messages
And I never heard a word from you
Not one

Chorus:
Where were you when I needed somebody
Where were you when the walls started caving in
I was waiting for someone to save me
When I was coming unglued
Where were you

A lot of things got pretty bad pretty fast
I never thought you'd turn your back
You left me out there all alone hanging on
I just have to deal with that

Oh I can count on you when everything is easy
But when the going gets tough
I guess not
Repeat chorus

I had to find my own way
Now that I've made it through

It's not a whiny or sad song...but comes on very forceful and with a tinge of attitude. I guess that describes me and where I am at the moment -- with a tinge of attitude.

Time to celebrate!

Happy Birthday!

Today at 6:52am I turned 48 years old!

Goodness...time flies!

I've heard from all my children....I've heard from my parents.....I've heard from Zach....and even my wife wished me a happy birthday, along with her mother.

Life continues to be good.

Yes, it seems that I am definitely on the upswing...this is the longest period since June 9 that I can say that I am beginning to feel really good about things.

Yesterday I drove Lovey to visit our daughter who is graduating from college this coming Saturday. There was a special awards banquet for her honor's college last night. So Lovey and I had a total of six hours alone to talk -- uninterrupted. I told her that I was in a very different place than where I have been and that I'm calming down. I also told her that I have learned a whole lot of things about me during this painful time.

I also shared with her my disillusionment with her church and her colleagues for not reaching out to me or at a minimum, checking in with me. Likewise, I mentioned that I perceived her sisters and their husbands as being somewhat shallow in that they haven't checked on me either... even though they have said on a number of occasions how important and "special" I am to each of them. To my surprise, she agreed with my assessments on all fronts.

(I had to chuckle inside when I heard that one of my brothers-in-law has a gay friend that he spends a great deal of time with and travels with several times a year. I have these delicious scenarios that play out in my head....what if???? You'd have to know him and the woman he is married to in order to fully understand just how delicious all this could/would be...)

As I look back on the year I have just come through, I can't help but feel that it has all been for some greater purpose. I think I'm going to be a much better man for it. I think it will make me a better resource for other guys who find themselves in a similar situation....I believe it will give me a tremendous capacity to show genuine empathy I would not have ordinarily been able to muster.......and ultimately I think this will make me better partner material for the man I grow old with.