The Life of a Dad

The life of a caring and loving dad never gets easier.

What would you do, if one of your children lived 1,000 miles away and sent you the following text message on your cell phone in the middle of the night?

"Tornado warning downtown Nashville...that's where I am...just in case...I love you and #1 is my beneficiary."

I was very frightened for my daughter's safety...and I kept trying to reach her, but to no use.

I spent many anxious moments.

One hour later I received the following followup:

"Just got home...it was bad in TN."

I finally reached her...and she was okay, but shaken. She said that the road to her church was littered with lots of debris and flattened dwellings.

But she was okay.

That was the important thing.

Before she hung up...she told me that she had spoken with her mother at the height of everything. #2 said that she told her mom that she was in the midst of a tornado.....and couldn't really talk. Lovey said, "Aw, that's okay. I'm tired anyway and need to go to bed. Good night."

#2 couldn't believe her ears... She told her mother, "Well, I love you too Mom....and just for the record, if I get killed, #1 is my beneficiary on my insurance policies."

Her mother paused...and then said, "Well, if you do get killed, I will see you on the other side. Good night!"

Oh my....we can always count on Lovey to provide amusement even in the midst of a disaster!

I don't think I finally drifted off to sleep until well after 3am. I'm really dragging now.

What an evening!

The Science of Romance

Just read an interesting issue of Time Magazine.

It's their Annual Mind and Body Special issue with a date of January 28, with the cover story "THE SCIENCE OF ROMANCE."

It certainly caught my attention.

There was an article under this cover story that asked, "Are Gay Relationships Different?"

The author, a gay man, believes the following and has uncovered research that seems to indicate:

"straight people prefer less tension in their relationships; gay relationships work better when there are fireworks."

"gay and lesbian couples argue less belligerently than straight pairs."

"they're also more likely to use humor in an argument."

"heterosexual relationships may have a great deal to learn from homosexual relationships."

"gay men are worse at making up after fights, and gays and lesbians split up more often than straight couples."

Quite an indictment against us queer folk. The author believes that gay marriage would help such relationships work better and last longer because of all the benefits and structures that marriage affords two people.

I kind of agree.

But gay marriage is probably an item for my soap box on another day.

Early in this article, the author says somethings that stirred a memory in me.

"When I was 13, I secretly read my parents' old copy of Dr. David Reuben's
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask,", first published in 1969. Standing nervously at the bookshelf, I was poised to replace the volume quickly if I heard footsteps. The chapter on homosexuality explained, "The homosexual must constantly search for the one man, the one penis, the one experience, that will satisfy him. He is the sexual diogenes, always looking for the penis that pleases. That is the reason he must change partners endlessly. That is the reason he must change partners endlessly...They may set up housekeeping together, but he parade of penises usually continue unabated...mercifully for both of them, the life expectancy of their relationship together is brief."

I, too, remember reading that passage.

It bothered me.

But, after all 1969 was another time. It was a generation ago.

Things have changed drastically.

At the time, homosexuality was still considered a mental illness. Gay marriage was unthinkable.

Gay pride was in its infancy.

I now am surrounded with a multitude of gay couples who have been together in excess of five years. They are very happy.....and have no desire to end. They also do not have a parade of penises in their relationships...and are quite offended when someone proposes such.

Their relationships are happily monogamous...and I enjoy watching them at church...or at dinner.

They give me hope.

The prove that Dr. Reuben was wrong.

In 1969.

And he was considered to be a sexuality expert.

I wonder what someone will think 40 years from now....and how today's experts will be viewed in their discussion of the issue.

Dinner With Lovey!

....and then there is Bedtime for Bonzo!

I digress.

Yesterday was my day off from the office and I spent it trying to get the house in order after I dismantled the Christmas Tree, removed the Christmas decorations, and tried to deep clean the wood floors and get everything back in order.

I had just returned from getting my hair cut when the telephone rang.

It was Lovey.

My first thought was, "Oh God, what have I done now?"

Immediate, my mind raced through a checklist of things of possible concerns:

Alimony?

Check.

Reimbursement for software?

Check.

Children okay?

Check.

All of Lovey's stuff returned to her?

Check.

I picked up the phone.

"I'm on my way back home and I need to talk to you briefly. Can you meet me at the church parking lot just down the street from you?"

"Uh....ok..." I said.

So, I put on my coat and headed the few blocks to the church.

There she was with her black hat.

I swear, that hat makes her look like Ms. Gulch on the Wizard of Oz.

She then proceeded to bend my ear about everything in her life.....and all the stuff she is doing....and how busy she has been......and her church work.

Blah....blah....blah...

But then, the main reason for seeing me was to remind me of the several items she wanted me to give her to carry down to see #1 in El Salvador when she goes down later this month.

I said sure...I'll have them ready.

Just then she realized that she was in the midst of rush hour traffic...and would never get home in a timely manner. Did I want to go with her to a nearby restaurant...and get caught up until the traffic died down.

I paused.

But then, I decided I had absolutely nothing to lose.

So I went.

The meal with her was very telling. She brought up the fact that she was having a very hard time of things and getting over the divorce.

I listened.

After her long dissertation about her therapy....and her many physical ailments....and her emotional wounds.....she finally asked how I was doing.

I said that there were still some bad times..... But that I had been told by four professionals that such bad times were to be expected....especially given the fact that 25 years is so long a period...and how it just won't heal overnight.

I then was a bit bold....and told her of Jane. I told her about Jane in such a way so that she didn't know who she was. I embellished it a tad....only to paint a picture that I was doing well....and that I was enjoying the attention from others.

I gave her lots to ponder as she drove back to her home 90 miles away.

When I got home, my dog gleefully jumped onto my lap.

I sat there in the stillness of my house.....thankful that I am here.....and that she is almost 100 miles away in her own world.

In some ways I feel so very sorry for her....and the fact that she seems so empty. But another part of me jumps to the forefront and reminds me that she has brought all this onto herself.

And, as a I pondered this, I developed a bad migrained -- such that I had to take my power drugs to knock it.

It seemed like old times.

Gosh am I glad that it's all over.

Anniversaries

Today is another anniverary that I've been thinking a lot about.

One year ago today, my daughter, #1, left our house for the last time in her journey to her Peace Corps assignment of El Salvador. It was not without drama.

There's always drama.

Last year, her brother, the marine, came home to see her before she left. At leas that was the tale he told. He never got to see her...or to see me for that matter. He was way too busy being with his friends and drinking heavily, etc. He spent the night in jail a year ago....and #1 and I went to bail him out. But he wasn't available because of his arraignment, and I had to get #1 to Georgetown to meet up with her Peace Corps group.

I felt so all alone that day. It was scary for me. It felt like the whole world was caving in upon me and I started shutting down. I took the whole week off that week just to get my head on straight....and to try and figure out what I was going to do. I was also terribly frustrated by the slowness of the separation and divorce.

So here I am one year later.

Remembering how I felt then versus how I feel now.

I'm doing okay.

I spoke with number one yesterday. She told me that she had two deaths in the community where she lives. So she had to attend an all night vigil and was on her way to the funeral yesterday. These experiences are so valuable to her. She's learning so much about the different cultures of the world, and she's desperately trying to make her mark on the world.

My hat goes off to her.

Meanwhile, #2 called me to say that some things are happening in her career. She met a guy from her church yesterday over lunch. She and a group of friends had gone together to eat....and he was a tag along. Turns out he's somebody in the music biz....and she just happened to have a CD of HER songs she'd written and recorded. She gave it to him.....he kept playing it over and over....and he played it in the studio for some of his producer friends. Allegedly he and the friends are all blown away..... He wrote #2 late last night to say that he wanted her to meet someone this week. So #2 graciously accepted.

I can't help but feel like she is going to make it big in the music biz. It's just going to happen in the most unlikely circumstances...and she's gonna take off. Look out! And you guys are the first to read about it here...

WOW,

Life keeps chugging along for old Frank.

Who knows what will happen next?

A Busy Weekend Thus Far

Last night I went to dinner with some of my crazy church buddies.

We met at the restaurant at 7:45 and sat and talked for a good hour or so....laughing .....telling jokes and reminiscing about various events we've shared.

following dinner we headed to a couple's house for a couple of rousing games of SCENE IT! I'm proud to say that I came in Second! I know a little about movies. By the time I got home....it was after midnight. I had to let Davy Dawg out. Poor guy. He was almost at the point of bladder explosion from having been inside all day. But I let him out....and he seemed to be very happpy when he came back inside.

I then took my meds and toddled off to bed.

This morning I awoke early and talked to my daughter in El Salvador. She's happy and full of energy. She plays soccer and works in the fields down there. She told me that a neighbor of hers died this morning. So, she will get to experience the funeral process there. She says that tonight is a vigil....with lots of coffee....and bread. Then they bury the person tomorrow. (No embalming.)

#2 in Nashville has been recording more of her stuff in the studio. Last night she called to say that she had finished another one of her songs and was really upbeat about it.

No word from the Marine.

But I've received three packages for him...and his last email to me said that I needed to keep them in a safe place for his return.

So, I have followed his directions.

Today I've got so much to accomplish...... Thankfully this is my three day weekend and I'm off on Monday. I've got a very big agenda of work planned to complete.

We'll see just how much of it I can do.

What A Difference A Year Makes

This blog is a valuable resource. Not only does it show you what you were doing in your life at a given time, but if you're being brutually honest, as you write the thing, you can actually see how you grow....and how life, as you know it changes.

I can certainly see a lot of growth when I compare what I had written last year, with what I'm doing now.

It's incredible.

This time last year I was terribly sad....I'd say even VERY depressed. My #1 daughter was getting prepared to leave this country for her tour of duty in El Salvador...and I felt as though my life were ending. I actually wanted to curl up into a little tiny ball and just die. All I could do was cry. Compounded with all this, my son was arrested and thrown into jail....and so I was worried all about that and then there was that awful space when I thought I would never be divorced. It was awful.

From rereading passages of this blog I can tell that I'm the kind of person that detests change. It makes me nervous....out of sorts.....and frightened.

I don't know where all that came from. But, it's just my makeup and how I deal with things.

But here I sit, a year later.... I'm fully divorced.

That long dark black period of sadness, uncertainty and fear have all faded away. I'm seeing more and more evidence of sunlight creeping into the gray that once was my life.

I'm amazed and how good it feels to know that everything will be okay.

I'm also shocked that it was such a long black period of time.

Looking back on things, I think the blackness started seeping into my life in the year 2000 or 2001. That's eight years ago!

That's a very long time to experience profound unhappiness....whether you want to call it sadness or depression. It was hell.

For the longest time, I kept my gayness under wraps. I didn't have the energy to deal with that....and all the things that a dad must do to keep his home and hearth in good order.

I remember that the real crack in things started showing in the fall of 2002 when the girls left for college. I thought my world would end. I cried and was terribly depressed. My ex wasn't. She was cold.....almost distant. To her, the departure of the kids seemed almost like a walk in the park.

She offered no words of comfort.....or any type of affection to them or to me.

I should have known then, but I was too much like Pollyanna to really focus on the fact that my marital relationship was sinking fast.

But I didn't.

I guess I had my head in the sand.

Oh well...those are another of life's experiences.

You learn from them.

You go on with your life...hopefully never to repeat those bad moments.

And you get to a place -- like I am now -- where you can look back on things and see just how far you've come.....and just how much you've learned.....and just how much you've grown.

Then you pause......

If you're from a spiritual background like me.....you whisper of prayer of thanksgiving....to the One Who stood by you during all those times of immaturity....and those times of poor, poor choices.......and you thank Him for His patience. His love. His guidance.

And just maybe...one day....you can be there to help another lost soul.....going through a similar period of uncertainty....and to tell them that....."You can survive all this."

Reclaiming My Life

Slowly, but surely, Frank is coming back – and I think he is much better than ever!

I sense it in very subtle ways:

• I’m laughing more;
• I’m feeling more in control of my life;
• I’m feeling more motivated on my job;
• My creativity is beginning to bounce back;
• My feelings of self-worth are improving.

And the list goes on.

In looking back at the last 7 or so years of my life, I didn’t realize just how bad things had gotten. It sort of slipped up on me.

The sadness….the depression….the feelings of failure…..the feelings of being off-track and not having the faintest idea of how to get with the program again.

It’s a very lonely and helpless feeling.

Most of my days were spent going through the motions.

There was also a relatively new feeling of not caring much about anything anymore. Not caring about doing a good job….or of being a good person – after all, I was told that I was a horrible husband and how I took advantage of other less advantaged people. It seemed that no matter what I did to try and improve things, nothing worked. So why should I try?

It has certainly been a nightmare situation.

I remember being happy and full of excitement about the challenges of each new day. It was just good to be alive. I was ever the eternal optimist -- regardless of my situation. I wasn't afraid of taking risks.....personally and professionally. I trusted myself.

Somewhere along the way I lost it all. My heart and life were full of dread, fear, and uncertainty. I was saddened by most everything. I began to second guess my core beliefs. I became unsure of myself. I lost site of the trust I once had in being ME.

Things are improving.

It kind of reminds me of having been sick throughout a long and dreary night. But outside the window, you see glimmers of the coming dawn -- and the promise of a new day.

I'm at that point in my life.

There's the faintest of glows in the eastern sky....

Early Morning At Frank's House

Well, it is just after 6am on a Monday morning.

I'm awake, bathed, shaved, combed, dressed and ready to walk out the door to my office. I'm actually feeling pretty foxy...which, in the face of my various health problems is a miracle!

I visited my doctor on Saturday. (For some strange reason, she is now keeping Saturday hours as one of the only days she is in the office -- but you won't hear me complaining because that way, I don't have to take time off from work!)

She shared with me the results of my recent bloodwork. The cholesterol total is UNREAL. It is now at 112. With it being that low, my chances for a stroke are further reduced by 40%. All the other numbers are excellent. Even the old thyroid appears to be behaving itself! But, I do need to keep watching the sugar levels. They are very easily thrown offtrack and then I pay for it by feeling so bad. It's just not worth it.

She continued to inquire as to how I'm doing now that each passing day takes me further and further from the relationship I had with Lovey. I told her that each passing day gets better. She told me that I would continue to feel better....and that my bloodwork numbers continue to bear out the fact that actually the divorce has been one of the nicer things to happen to me.

So, there we go -- added confirmation!

I got to chat with my daughters all weekend long. #2 had her first official "gig" in Nashville on Saturday night. She's now working on polishing her performance skills. She said that she had a ball and really enjoyed herself. She's looking forward to the next time she is able to do this. (She was asked to become the vocalist of this band....and this was her first time. They apparently loved her.....)

#1 in El Salvador is having a good time too. She's joined the local soccer team. She loves playing that sport...and has always done quite well with it. I think she's sort of wowed the locals there with her abilities!

My son, the marine, is mad at me because I did not okay his purchase of a motorcycle. There were just too many what-ifs.....and he wasn't sure that the deal was even a good one. So, I told him that we could purchase this upon his return from Iraq in May.

So, he's not speaking to me.

Ah, the life of a parent.

Well, I need to get up from here and head into DC.

Helping Out A Friend

It looks like there are some common themes that run through the lives of us gay, formerly married men.

I know that I've been zinged by a few well meaning readers who say that I write more about Lovey than I do about myself....or that it's time to "snap out of it."

But tonight, I got to chat with someone that is going through a lot of the same things that I have been going through.

Let's call him Steve.

Steve was married over 30 years and has children. He left his house situation a while ago....and even was partnered for a couple of years or so. That fizzled and he's currently in the midst of the mediation process....and negotiating a separation agreement. The final divorce isn't expected for at least another year.

Steve had sent me an email and in part it said, "Kind of down and out today, really feeling very lonely, guess I'll get used to it, but never have lived alone before!"

Well, I called him......and yes, he was feeling all the things that I have periodically felt.

You see, for all the negative feelings you may have toward us guys who are married.....and gay....... You may feel that we have deeived our wives, or that we are just above pond scum in the order of life, we married guys do love our wives.....and we've tried to make the most of a bad situation.

A long-term marriage is not easily forgotten.

You just can't turn off the feelings of hurt and loneliness.....EVEN WHEN YOU'RE GAY.

Steve was feeling that tonight.

We chatted through the miracle of the telephone for about 45 minutes.

Finally Steve said that he needed to go and get ready for his week ahead. Before he hung up, he said, "Frank, thanks for listening to me. I feel so much better. Thanks for being a friend."

We hung up.

I felt lifted up -- not that I was "down." But I felt really encouraged because I was able to encourage him.

Maybe I can do more of this in the future for other men who are having a hard time adjusting.

And just care...

Wisdom Comes with Age

I got up really early this morning.

It seems like this is the new pattern for me. Years ago, I'd try to sleep as long as possible before the family and I would head to church. Weekends were generally a blur of church-related activities. I was the head of the Sunday School Department; I was Chairman of the Board of Deacons; I was the choir director, newsletter editor, and prepared the Sunday Morning bulletin. On top of all that, I handled publication of the church's telephone directory.

Now looking back at that time period, I feel really sorry for myself. I was so busy with church work, it didn't allow much time for me to be occupied with the gay thing.

Perhaps, I should say it didnt' give me much time to explore the gay world.

So, I spent a lot of sleepless nights...having unhealthy thoughts behind the happy Christian facade.

Wisdom does come with age.

So, I guess this is why I feel so paternal around some of my younger gay brothers from my current church. Aw, they all seem so well-adjusted. The majority of whom are partnered. Still, it's the younger ones that I find myself wanting to just wrap in my arms and say....."Dare to be who you are....and enjoy life. It's a different time. It's a different place now."

Wow, when I was in high school....and junior high for that matter, I was totally miserable. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I was always labeled the class faggot.....and it HURT. Because I knew it was true.....the words were said with such disgust...and hatred.

The hurt penetrated my very bones.

The teachers would just turn a blind eye to it all.

By the time I came home in the evening, I was emotionally spent -- a wreck.

I never told my parents.

But this is when I began the massive construction project in my mind that I am working so hard to dismantle today. I built tall sturdy walls. I isolated myself. I became very shy when it came to being around others. I felt that if I opened my mouth, "gay" would fall out and then the words of derision, hatred, and hut would pile on.

So it was at that point I decided to through myself at my studies full force. I became known as the class "brain"....and "Mr. Responsibility."

But still I was alone.

Yes, I do have a very protective streak when it comes to some of my very young gay friends. I don't want to see anyone hurt them....or belittle them. I'm so very proud of them....for living openly and proudly with the partners of their dreams.....

Maybe one day I will be able to do the same.

Jane

I finally got up the nerve to call Jane back.

Thankfully she wasn't home.

I left a very cheerful message that said that I had been extremely busy and was hardly ever home. However, she should feel free to call back at her convenience.

So, I've done my part.

I've done the polite thing.

If this persists...I'm going to have to clue Jane in on the fact that I play for the other team.

In the meantime, I've heard again from my friend who gave me the tour of the leather convention. He had a blast he says and the considerably younger guy he was with here really is beginning to mean a whole lot to him. That's great. I just can't seem to wrap my arms around how all the extremes in the leather community can translate into love.

Oh well, this is just my observation. I'm a boring old vanilla kind of guy.

His friend (who lives in NYC), has been talking to him about moving to Washington, DC to get a good job that is more in line with my friend's professional training. He's got a ton of ministerial experience....PLUS....he has formal training in public relations. I don't understand why the boyfriend doesn't encourage him to move to NYC while he is at it. Not sure why there should be a 5 hour distance between people who care for each other when one already lives in Indiana and is willing to move to the East Coast.

Again, what do I know?

Awful news about Heath Ledger.

Another one gone way too soon.

Here We Go Again!

Well y’all.

It’s happened.

Someone has begun to show interest in old Frank here.

Yup.

It’s true!

The real funny thing about all this is that in the midst of just keeping on my happy face…and going about my daily business, I hadn’t realized that it would/could happen.

Well, apparently it now has.

Shouldn’t I be happy you may wonder?

I guess I would be ordinarily, but there is just a slight problem here.

The interested party is a woman!

EEK!

Gosh this has certainly stirred up a lot of very old and I must say, forgotten memories of what it was like with Lovey.

The same old butterflies exist.

That same old sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is still right where it has always been.

Here’s some background information.

Let’s call her Jane.

About nine years ago, Jane and her son became a close family friend. She was divorced and her son was interested in #1. They dated for about 2-3 months. So, Jane was constantly in my house.

She and I became fast friends. However, I caught little glimmers of resentment she had for Lovey. When Lovey would make certain comments or exhibit certain behaviors to me, I’d catch this woman rolling her eyes or shaking her head.

Even at a holiday celebration that year my mother said to me, “Frank, you need to keep an eye on Jane. I believe she has a big time crush on you.”

I laughed it off.

I guess I was in my gay, feeling ugly, sorry-for-myself phase.

When I went with #2 and Mom O’Lovey to Christmas Eve church at the church we all once attended, Jane was the first to greet me.

“I’m so sorry about how much you have been through. It’s hard. I know. Let’s get together after the holidays and have dinner!”

I sputtered….and said…”Well, Jane, give me a call and we can see if we can schedule something.”

So now, she has called and left a message at my house. Thankfully I wasn’t there to receive the call…..I do spend a lot of time away from the phone, but still. Jane is making it clear that she is “interested” in me.

I need to return the call.

However, the great thing about all this is I am a bit older and a whole lot wiser than I was when I was in the “God-can-change-me….all-I-need-is-a-woman phase.”

Still, I’m amazed at the feelings I am experiencing…especially the fear…..

Gosh, as I near the age of 50, you’d think this would be easier as time goes on.

A Lively Day

Wow! It certainly has been a lively day here on the blog. I've received a number of "interesting" comments.

Aw, for those of you who have contacted me backchannel to offer words of encouragement, thanks. However, I do thrive on lively discussion.

It's quite intriguing to me to receive this kind of feedback though. The tone of some of the comments lead me to wonder if in fact they are from women who have suffered bad experiences. I do understand....and my heart goes out to those women.

However, I'm not the typical gay guy who went out of his way to make his wife's life hell. If anything, I tried everything to compensate for my shortcomings. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the gay thing helped prolong the marriage, that would have otherwise died a long, long time ago.

I generally say that my wife and I had more issues between the two of us than TIME magazine!

Oh well....that was then. No need to rehash all that history....if you want to "catch up" feel free to check out older postings here.

In the meantime, I appear to have gotten over the bitterness that I have been fighting for the past few weeks. The profound sadness also appears to be at bay.

So hear I am with the dog....and relaxing after a very productive day.

Crocodile Tears?

Dear Croc!

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

It appears though you've missd some very important concepts/posts in my bog. I mean, I didn't just one day jump out and say "I'm Gay!"

Out of over 25 years of marriage, she knew for over 24 years.

Tears? Hmmmm. She didn't shed any....for sure. Ask the kids...from whence she is estranged. Her life shattered? Aw...c'mon...she was too busy with her ministry to even notice or care about anything other than herself..... The kids suffered......I suffered.....

Nope....the gay thing was a blessing to the marriage.....it's what made it last so long. Had she been married to a straight man, he wouldn't have put up with all her stuff.......and would have divorced her 2 years into the marriage!

Suffer?

Lovey?

Not her style.


My goodness.....

Obsession?

Obsession with the EX?

I don't think so.

But yes, there are some unprocessed feelings that are now surfacing....part of the mourning period I suppose. They are just now surfacing.

Feeling sorry for myself?

Hardly.

I've made great strides along the way. I've landed on my feet. I'm busy trying to identify those things that make Frank happy.

Not an easy task.

Life has a way of moving on with or without us.

But I'm definitely onboard the train.

Oh I have my moments.

But let's be clear:

I'm dealing with a sprig of bitterness at my ex because of all the hell she put me through during the separation. Plain and simple. It didn't have to be that way.

Yeah, I knew I was gay at the beginning, but I was told by society, by the church, that I could change. HOG-WASH. But, had I not been married, I would not have the three marvelous children I now have....and I wouldn't give that up for anything.

A recent commenter says to "lose the bitterness" ... "move on."...."don't you think she (the EX) has a right to be bitter..."

Hmmmm.

Interesting concept.....but how does one lose the bitterness, especially when one doesn't know why it surfaced at this point. Move on? I'm doing my darnndest.

Oh yeah....I forgot. The EX.....

She should be bitter......after all my gayness is all about HER!

Yup, I forgot about that!

Where Did THAT Come From?

I've had a very quiet day. I posted that in the previous post.

However, the one thing that I seem to be dealing with now seems to have come out of no where. It's something I thought I had dealt with....and I suppose I've taken care of a lot of stuff and gotten rid of it.

But in the past 2-3 weeks, I've had a sprig of bitterness to surface.

I'm not sure why that is.

I'm very bitter about the divorce....about the way my ex treated me.....the things that my ex did...and most of all...the fact that she almost gleefully outted me to anyone who would listen.

Not to be helpful.

But to make her look good.

It bothers me.

But, upon further reflection, I guess what made this surface is a comment that my daughter, Laura (#2) told me during her Christmas vacation. She said that when she met her mother's younger sister in Atlanta last fall, over dinner one night, she blurted out, "You DO know that your dad is gay don't you?"

To which my daughter responded, "Well, if I didn't I certainly do NOW!"

When I've asked my EX if she told her family, she says, "I can't remember!"

Hmph....

I've been robbed of my coming out experience....of being able to share it with whom I want to. My EX took it upon herself to out me to everyone.

Yup...this is where the bitterness has come from.

A Quiet MLK Day.

I'm still amazed at all I saw at MAL yesterday.

I don't mean to sound critical and please keep in mind that this is the comment of a very boring and dull...vanilla kind of guy.

But with all the stuff I saw up close and personal yesterday, is it no wonder that the religious conservatives go all ballistic about us gay folks? l mean, there were all kinds of things going on in public. I even saw a very few ladies....like maybe 3 or 4 out of several hundred gay men. I saw three hispanic maids from the hotel wandering through the exhibit hall on their breaks. GEE...I wonder what they thought! YIKES!

Well, for all that excitement, today has been very dull and boring. I've been home all day...curled up mainly with my dog....listening to the wind blow. I've just not been interested in doing much. I'm just not in the mood.

I talked to my daughter in Nashville a couple of times. She seems happy. However, she was grousing about her mother not returning an important email she had sent last week. She said that when she finally got an email from her mom, it was very brief....nothing substantive.

"You're surprised?" I asked. "I am amazed since you know how your Mom's only interest is in church."

Silence on the other end of the phone.

I changed the subject, but my little comment certainly drove the point home.

I work very hard not to mention their mom in my children's presence. When I spoke to the Marine on Saturday, he started grousing about her as well. I held my tongue.

I never want it to be said that I'm trying to turn the kids away from their mom. She seems to be doing a first-rate job of that herself. Still, I know such accusations are gonna be hurled...but I just can't be bothered by it.

So, we'll see.

In the meantime it's just me and the dog.

I Guess I'm VERY Old Fashioned

I've arrived at the conclusion that I am a very old fashioned guy.

I don't think I'm your typical gay guy.

Oh, I've had those rites of passage kinds of experiences. I've explored. I've tried various things. I've tasted serious love with another man. My gayness has cost me my marriage. I've wasted many, many good years and been so unsure of myself. I've spent a hunk of my life feeling like a pervert. I've been so unsure of myself.

I've spent so many miserable hours.......crying....praying.......trying to change. I tried so hard.

But it's just not something that will happen for me. For whatever reason, this is the hand that was dealt to me and I have to be comfortable with that.

An interesting thing happened to me today. A good friend of mine called to say that he was in town for the Mid Atlantic Leather convention in Washington. He wanted to know if I could come and meet him and spend some time with him.

Well, summarize, he and I got to spend some time visiting.....and then he told me that he wanted me to go the the Mid Atlantic Leather exhibit hall.

I should preface this by saying that I've always been attracted to men in uniforms.....and yes, certain types of leather outfits tended to catch my attention. Well, I practically went into cardiac arrest when I saw the hundreds and hundreds of men who were circulating throughout the hotel.....and in the exhibit hall. The testosterone was flowing so thickly, it was almost hard to breathe.

Men in uniforms......men in athletic supporters.......barechested men..........naked men trying on various garments.......and there was graphic porn playing everywhere. On top of all this, there were all kinds of items for sale. Athletic supporters, dildos, chastity belts and paraphenalia, porn, music to fist and to do other things by, testicle crushers, rubber outfits, leather outfits, electrical torture equipment, restraints, whips, chains, harnesses, etc. I saw a good looking man walking around with out a shirt, and his back was totally covered in scratches. It looked like he had really been flogged very hard

I then turned a corner and went into another exhibit area, and there was a man kneeling in front of another man, doing what a man does usually in a position like that to please another man.

I was shocked.

Maybe it was sensory overload?

I just don't know how else to describe it.

But after my friend had led me through all the exhibit area, he asked if I could drop him at a restaurant to meet his "sir." (This is the man that he is currently having a relationship of sorts with. He was concerned that because he was late, that it was going to be a sign of disrespect to him....ick.)

As we headed to the restaurant, I said to my friend, "You know. I've got to process all this. This was all so extreme. "

He said, "Yes, it is. But what you're seeing Frank, is a group of guys that are into all kinds of recreational sexual activities."

"But," I said. "I'm not into this.....I'm interested in one day having one special guy.....for a regular relationship based on love. I think my problem at this gathering is, I just don't see any sign of love. I've seen all kinds of animalistic sex....and celebration of maleness..... I've seen ample displays of unsafe sex. But I just don't see any evidence of love."

"We stay away from the L word," my friend said. "But we can have lots and lots of intimate friends."

It bothered me.

And, it still does.

My view of the world of leather has changed based on my experience this afternoon. This is just not the life I want.

I'm a very old fashioned guy....and just looking for a one man, man. A man that wants to build a life with one special guy.

Plain vanilla.

That's what I yearn for.

Some day.

Get With The Program, Frank!

I am at work as I write this. It is so very cold outside….and gray. Weather predictions indicate another snowstorm is headed this direction and will strike either tonight or sometime tomorrow. It looks like I am going to get snowed in.

That should help me get the energy up to at least tear down the Christmas tree and all those decorations. For me to do this is a first. Normally the kids enjoyed putting up the decorations and the tree and tearing them down. The girls especially loved to do that. Within an hour or so, you’d never know that there was a tree ever in our midst!

It’s going to take me a little longer though…

I know me.

I’ll look at each decoration and remember it.

I get a knot in my stomach just thinking about this horrible task.

Yes, Frank still has some residual issues to deal with. The Christmas decorations….the snowstorm……the cold….the gray…..all have conspired against me to expose these feelings that I must still deal with.

I shouldn’t be upset with myself. After all, when you look at how far I’ve come, well, really it’s amazing. I’ve survived. And I’m healthy.

I just need to remember to count my blessings.

This is so silly.

It’s just snow.

It’s just a Christmas tree and colored lights, ribbons, bows and doo-dads.

God, I need to grow up.

I need to shut off those old memories and think of the new ones I made this year….the new friends….the new things I did…….and get psyched about the new adventures that await in this new year.

It’s no time to get melancholy and sad.

My life is far from over. I’m not yet 50.

AND, I have four days off from work! To get things done.

Get with the program, Frank!

Snowy Days & Thursday Get Me Down

Do you all remember that old Carpenters’ song, “Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down.?”

Well, oddly, I loved the song and never found the subject to be very relevant to me.

However, for some reason, it seems that snowy and cold days make me wistful….and somewhat “down.” I’m not going to say that it depresses me because when one says the word depression, all sorts of images are conjured up.

I think the word “depressed” is overused today.

I think in this case, the word “sad” works best to describe how I feel.

It began as the snow started here in Washington. Large snowflakes feel for a couple of hours leaving a nice white blanket out my office window. Immediately, my mind raced back to simpler times when I played in the snow with my kids and coming inside to a nice tall mug of hot cocoa courtesy of Lovey.

I think of the times when my office was closed due to the bad weather, and I spent time inside playing board games or card games with the children.

I also remember the many times we walked to grandma’s house and all the fun we had sledding and building snow people.

Now I’m alone.

Totally.

Alone.

Honestly, at times I look in the mirror and it still shocks me to think about all that I’ve been through and just how much my life has changed. I went from being Frank, the family man with a secret to Frank, the family man, all alone.

The nights bother me the most. I hear every noise. I’m aware of every creak and groan in the house. I even hear the tap, tap, tapping of the ductwork as the warm air makes them expand when the furnace kicks on.

I hear every moan and snore that Davy, the Dawg makes. I’m aware of every times he burrows deeply into me in the middle of the night.

And to think, my gayness brought me here to this place.

Oh, I know that the kids would have left me an empty nester any way…..but I always thought I’d have companionship.

I was wrong.

I have a tinge of bitterness in me. It still hurts – all those many things I had to experience during the separation….and the negotiation of the divorce.

Every alimony check I write bothers me…..the thought of the 50% reduction of my retirement annuity bothers me.

It all still hurts….

The snow continues to fall…..and I’m haunted. Haunted by the memories of what was….and the thoughts of what never will be.

HIM....again!

I saw him again today.

You know the one.

I've written about him before....

The guy that shares the same first name as my boss.

**sigh**

We almost ran into each other in the men’s room -- LITERALLY!

His presence certainly fills up a room – even the men’s room.

No, this wasn’t a Larry Craig, wide stance moment.

He and I actually chatted a bit.—at the sink. He smiled. God, that smile could melt the polar ice caps. He wanted to know what I was doing over the weekend.

I was tongue tied. God, why do I always get that way around attractive men? I must seem like a moron.

I can't even remember what I said.

He told me how busy he was and that he was trying to get a presentation ready today for his boss. I talked about the new employee in my area that I’m helping to get established in the office.

We chit chatted more and somehow it became appropriate for me to ask him how long he’s been at the agency.

He’s been here only 3 years. Gosh, I’ve been here ten times longer.

I told him that he was a real whipper-snapper.

Gosh, I cannot believe I used that term. Who says that these days? It makes me sound so ancient and like I from another dimension.

EEK!

We continued chatting. I was drying my hands now.

I made him guess how long he thought I’d been at the agency.

He was kind and only guessed 15 or 22 years.

I smiled and felt my insides cringe as the words 30 years rolled from my lips.

He must think I'm 80.

There was a slight pause.

“Of course, I started working here when I was two,” I added.

We both laughed.

He then asked if I was getting ready to leave the agency in search of a peaceful mountain stream…or the beach.

AH HA! My opportunity to share my marital status! So I said, “I don't think so. Since my divorce last year, and the fact that the EX is getting half the pension, I—“

“Need to work until you die?” he completed my sentence.

There that smile was again.

Blinding. Simply blinding.

He shook his head……”Too bad,” he said.

“Yes, it really is.” I agreed.

Then, we parted ways.

Did You See Oprah Yesterday?????

Confession time: I LOVE OPRAH WINFREY!

She's smart. She's savvy. She's funny. She's influential.

Basically she's my hero! Gosh, I wish I could be 1/10th as successful as her.

I am also quite touched at the way she gives back to the world....and to people.....


Yesterday's program was a repeat of a program that ran several months ago.

It was a gay story with a twist.

As a gay man, I get a little tired of the talk shows finding gay husbands and then criticizing how they have "two-timed" their wives...deceived God and country.....and had their cake and ate it too.

So imagine my shock at the topic of women that are married to men.....and they come out as lesbian!

As I listened to yesterday's program, I was struck at the similarities between them and what I and countless other gay men that I know have gone through as they struggle with their marriages and being gay.

The first lady talked to her husband....he was understanding...told her that they would make it through somehow...but they wound up divorcing. After the divorce, the husband too came out as gay. Their 14 year old son is proud of his gay mom and gay dad because now he has 4 parents that love him.

Imagine that!

Oprah said that in all her years of being on TV, she'd never seen anything like this.

I can't say that I have either.

If you missed it, go to http://www.oprah.com and check out the stills, the summary and the video clips. Totally fascinating!

Running Toward Adventure!

I have been so busy the last few days that I must confess, I’ve not been able to focus on what I should be writing in this blog. At times I feel like I’ve almost run out of things to say because my world appears to be coming together and getting into order. I wonder at times if really anything that I say at this point will really contribute to your personal growth or not.

But, I still feel the need to write.

So, write I will until you all quit reading or tell me to get a life.

I keep feeling better and better about myself. I believe that inner wellbeing is beginning to spillover into my appearance. BUT, I’ve got to be really careful. In the past 3 months since I’ve been on insulin and also on the thyroid meds, my bod is beginning to fill out. This is translated: getting fat!

So, I really need to watch it now that the holidays have passed.

As I lead my life each day, I’m amazed at the changes I see in me…both subtle and major.

For the longest time, as an example, I felt I had no really close friends. I was too busy keeping my walls of protection up and I stayed aloof and distant. People who met me during that time probably thought I was a real piece of work. And you know something? They were right. I was a piece of work. At times I felt like I was teetering on the edge of the abyss.

If I fell into it, I’d be lost forever, I thought.

But here I am. I’ve stepped many footsteps back from that edge and I’m enjoying what life has for me.

I’m discovering the old Frank that had been lost for so long. I’m learning what he enjoys. He likes to read. He likes to pray. He likes to explore new places and stores. He loves digital photography and taking pictures. He’s beginning to enjoy making new friends. He’s enjoying the friendships he already has made this year. He’s enjoying his spiritual journey and learning how to minister to others.

Every day is an adventure.

I’m learning to run to it with open arms -- eager to see what happens next – not quivering in my tracks afraid of my shadow!

The Wedding Ring

I've had the attached video for quite sometime now. A friend gave it to me about a year ago. It has given me many belly laughs.

So, since this is the beginning of a new year....and for all the people out there who have ever been misunderstood....this video is just for you. Just keep your eye on the minister's reaction!

It's Back to Work Day!

Gosh...are the holidays really over now?

I guess so because I'm scheduled to work today and the rest of the week. As I recall, my staff will be out until Monday. So, hopefully I will have a quiet day when I get to the office.

Yesterday started off badly for me. It was truly depressing to sit and look around at my house and realize that all my children are scattered to the four winds. It was bad. So rather than sit in the shadow of the Christmas lights and to feel sorry for myself and to focus on how miserably lonely I felt, I started cooking. I went wild in the kitchen. I baked a big ham, cooked some corn, carrots, peas, mashed potatos, sweet potatos, and prepared cole slaw. I then also featured hot rolls and butter and apple sauce followed by a pumpkin pie.

I then had two gay couples over for dinner and we visited while we ate. Then I took them to the basement where I showed slideshows of some of our events that we've enjoyed together this holiday season. I then let them hear some of the newer recordings by my daughter, #2 and showed her Senior Recital Concert that was professionally filmed in Nashville. (All the guys have fallen in love with my daughter.....and they had wanted to hear some of her music.)

In the evening, my niece and her husband came to devour left overs and to watch a movie.

I found that it was just so good being with people.

I really don't do well alone on holidays.

The First Day of a New Year!

Well, here we are at the beginning of a brand new year!

I went to a party of all my friends last night. At one point in the evening before midnight, I walked out onto the deck and did some reflecting. l thought about all the blessings I have experienced. I thought about last year's resolutions. I thought about all the things I was feeling last year at this time -- the sadness, the sense of loss, the loneliness, and the fear of the unknown.

My mind also raced to New Year's Eves gone by. Forty years ago, for example, I watched the ball drop with my dad. He talked about the new year, 1968 and he wondered what it might bring. What a year that was!

I also remembered that on December 31, 1988 I was lying on the beach in Sarasota, Florida all by myself. Lovey and the girls went with her parents to visit some friends in Tampa. (Now, those friends are gone, Lovey's Dad is gone, and Lovey herself is no longer part of my life.) I was enjoying the hot, summer-like temperatures, the crash of the waves and was dozing when I heard two young women scream "HAPPY NEEW YEAR!" to the life guard. It made me bolt upright....and rouse myself from the dreamlike state I had drifted into. I forgot that it was in the middle of the winter!

Last year I was saddened by the fact that all my friends had evaporated. I was part of a church where people ignored me. It was very frightening to be in this new situation.

My main resolution of that year was to expand my network of friends -- something that went waaaay beyond my comfort zone. BUT, I have worked to do this.

As I stood on that deck at one of my friends' houses, last night, it all came back.

I breathed a prayer of thanksgiving. None of those people, except one, were in my life last year.

And here I was, surrounded by people who loved me.

All new friends.

So, life goes on.

I have a couple of main resolutions this year.... Oh, I have the ones that everyone has.....I need to lose weight.......I need to take care of myself physically.....emotionally.......I need to savor every moment that I experience with family and friends.....

But then, I have a couple of really serious resolutions that I will work on every day during the year. One is that I want to get a new job. It's time. I need to jump start my career and stretch.

Then, I have one other resolution that, for now, will remain unspoken. It's more of a need than anything else. But, in order to survive, I need to work on it too.

So, wish me luck....

This is the first of what I hope will become the mile marker that says, "This is where Frank turned a corner into a richer, fuller, and happier life!"

May each of you have a safe, warm, and happy New Year.If you're headed through some of the territory I've traveled....and you're divorcing or separated because of the gay thing...or for whatever reason..... Yes, there is pain....there is sadness.......and there's even a little loneliness. But, it does get better.

I promise.

Happy New Year 2008 from Frank!

December 30, 2007

This holiday season has been a very quiet one for me. I suppose it is only right that this be the case since the nest is now empty and my marriage is over.

This morning, early, I drove #2 to the Baltimore airport and the tears began to flow as she walked away to her terminal. Thankfully she didn't look back...I suspect that she was feeling the same way I was. Sad that the vacation was over....that Christmas was just a memory...and it was now time to go back to the real life of responsibility and work.

On our way to the airport, #2 told me that this was her best trip home. She said that although the first part of this trip had started stressfully because she had to travel to her mother's bedside in the hospital, she thanked me for making the trip so pleasant during the last part.

She also reflected on the expanded role that the dentist is playing in the life of her mother's family. It disturbs her. It disturbs her aunts. It disturbs me!

The man is as the O'Lovey's home nearly every evening and is included in every gathering. It's really EVERY family gathering.

For example, #2 invited her grandmother to go to a Mexican restaurant on Friday night. Grandma announced that the dentist would be going with her. On Friday afternoon, #2 also invited her cousin and Lovey's baby sister and her husband. When #2 got hold of grandma to establish the time of the dinner, Grandma said that it would be up to the dentist....that #2 should call him to arrange the time. #2 said she would not call the dentist...and that dinner would be a 7pm. However, by the time I had gotten home from the office on Friday, #2 announced that the dentist would not be joining us after all because he was having dinner with his own daughter before she left the area.

Well, we all got to the restaurant. It began as a fun evening...and everyone seemed to have a great time. Just as we were finishing our appetizer, the dentist appeared! Someone said, "Weren't you supposed to have dinner with your daughter tonight?" He responded that he would probably have heartburn because he ate so hurredly in order to get to be with all of us. So he plopped down right by Grandma!

They then proceeded to have their own party. It was as if the rest of us had totally vanished.

Since all of us had assumed he wasn't coming.....I had picked up grandma and her sister and delivered them to the restaurant. To me, it was a bit rude when the good dentist took it upon himself to put the aunt in his car at the end of the evening. Grandma then joined them. The three of them vanished into the night.

It creeped all of us out.

Another thing that I noticed was that the dentist tried to invite himself over to the cousin's house to see video he shot during the annual Christmas Gathering. She told him that it wasn't going to happen and as he tried to keep pushing the matter, the cousin's husband said that they only had a DVD player and not a VHS player. At this, the dentist dropped the matter.

#2 wanted to say goodbye to her grandma on Saturday evening, but the dentist was there when we got to the house and #2 told me to go back home. We then got home and a message had been left saying that the dentist wanted #2 down at Grandma's house to see the Christmas Video. #2 refused to go. When she called her grandma to say goodbye, the dentist answered the telephone!

Finally she was able to talk to her grandma and told her that she was going to stop by to see her personally, but when she saw the dentist's car, she didn't want to interrupt.

This is a very strange situation. But, it's not something I have to worry about because I'm no longer a part of that family. I will tell Lovey....if I get an opportunity.

It just goes to show you how the drama continues in Lovey's family...

Christmas Reflections

As I said earlier, Christmas at my house was quite peaceful and enjoyable. I spent some true quality time with one of my children. During that time, I learned some very important things, namely, the fact that the divorce is just now beginning to affect #2.

Oh, it’s nothing major at this point…. But still it affects her and thus, causes me grief to know that something that has happened in my life has affected her so much.

She confided in me that she is beginning to feel pressure. She doesn’t like it at all. The pressure she is referring to is that that her mom puts on her in the form of guilt. You see, while Lovey was in the hospital, she kept saying to #2 things like, “I’m always short changed in your visits. You always stay with your dad the most…”

I guess it makes #2 feel like she’s in a contest.

It makes her self-conscious and looking at her watch to make sure that she is being equal.

The same thing happened at Thanksgiving. After that holiday I sent her a long note and told her to stop being pulled into that rut immediately.

I reminded her of this. I told her that I had no preconceived notions when she came to visit me. I was always glad to see her, whenever she chose to come by…..and that if she wanted to spend the entire time with her mom, that would be okay – as long as I knew she was safe, warm and happy.

Lovey came to her mother’s on Christmas Day to spend a few days with her. We were invited to attend dinner down there. A delicious roast was prepared and we were able to enjoy a nice meal. The good dentist was present…YIKES. Once again, Lovey sat next to me. (She sat next to me during the Thanksgiving meal too.)

When Mom O’Lovey started talking about her favorite Christmas….and she dragged out her scrapbook commemorating her 70th birthday, seven years ago, I nearly lost it. There in all the pictures was a picture of me with Lovey in much happier times. There were pictures of the kids….of us with the kids…….. All of a sudden I felt my eyes beginning to sting.

So, I excused myself from the table and went to another room.

Seeing those old pictures made me cry……and made me realize just how much things have changed.

God, how I hate change!

But I got it all out of my system and returned to the gathering. I don’t think anyone noticed.

I just put on my happy face and continued my meal.

A Peaceful Holiday

Meet Daughter #2 and my cocker spaniel, Davy.

This has been quite a peaceful and quietly Christmas. I’ve gotten to spend a lot of quality time with my daughter. She returns to Nashville on Sunday morning, then my life returns to normal!

#2 and I have had much discussions about my life as a single man. She’s made some interesting comments about her mother. She was able to spend the first few days of her visit in the Shenandoah Valley with her mother, who was recovering from her stay in the hospital. As a matter of fact, it was #2 who drove her home from the hospital.

We’re still not sure what medical problems Lovey suffers from. All we know is that her liver enzymes are all elevated. She was supposed to go in for some follow up tests today. Thus far, I’ve not been made privy to their findings.

Over the holiday I did get to speak with all three of my children. The marine called from Iraq. It was so good hearing his voice. I have to tell you though, that I will be very, very happy and relieved when he returns from Iraq in April. Likewise, a year from May I’ll be happy when #1 returns from El Salvador. She gets to come home for a vacation in early June this year. Then she’ll be back in May of 2009 permanently!

More thoughts to share later.

More On Lovey

As the day has progressed, I've gathered a little bit more information about Lovey's condition.

I've had to be somewhat of a peacemaker today, because the twins are sort of having a little drama right now. #2 in Nashville has been almost flip with her sister in El Salvador when discussing their mom. #1 finds this terribly disrepectful and is a bit miffed with her sister.

However, #2's points aren't without merit.

Let me provide a bit of background.

Lovey has an extensive medical history. Sadly, we all believe her to be a hypochondriac. My ongoing struggle with being gay only added to my guilt for her various aches and pains. I felt deeply responsible. After all, if I were meeting all of her needs, she would not have to seek affirmation from a host of medical people.

During our separation, Lovey told me once that she was expecting to be "healed" once the divorce was final...because living with me caused all of her medical problems.

So, yours truly had a whole boat load of issues to deal with.

In her last full year of marriage and under my health plan, she had over 90 medical visits and procedures in a 12-month period. In the first five months of this year, before our divorce, she logged almost 50.

Lovey also likes to self diagnose. She loves to talk about all of her medical problems....the various procedures....and the hose of medicenes she is on. In case you were wondering, she's totally behind CYMBALTA.

So, it is from this background that daughter #1 is somewhat dubious of this mysterious malady that has Lovey hospitalized.

"She probably provided her doctor with one of her self-diagonoses, Dad. You know how she is."

Yes, sadly I do.

It's akin to the boy crying wolf one time too many. I don't like to cast judgment....or make light of what's happening to Lovey now, but I'm left to wonder several things:

1) She has been grousing to #2 about how she (Lovey) is always shortchanged in the amount of time she gets to spend with her children during the holidays. She even did this from her hospital bed last evening. #2 is headed there this weekend and wants to head back for a hot date. Lovey wasn't pleased.

2) I get the impression that all is not peachy keen deluxe in the churches Lovey is pastoring.

3) I find the timing of these various maladies interesting. Here it is Christmas, and Lovey is in the hospital.

Could she be looking for sympathy? Might she be feeling intensely lonely? Could she be feeling a bit of remorse as to the breakup of her family and be haunted by thoughts of Christmas celebrations of years passed?

Could be.

#1 asked if I was concerned. I responded by saying that I was concerned...but that I had to figure out the right track to follow. This, after all, is brand new territory. Were I still married to her, I'd be at her bedside with a boat load of care and compassion and unconditional love. This is how I handled her during the marriage.

But now, since I've heard of Lovey's health problems all second hand, I'm not going to be breaking down her door to find out all the particulars. If she wants me to know, she can call and then we can have a discussion. But, I can care and be concerned from a distance. If this is a ploy for sympathy and attention, I won't give her fodder of condition her to do this on a regular basis for more.

Am I mean?

I don't think so.

It's just that I know her so very well and I suspect she's dealing with some serious psychological issues this year, that perhaps she's not had the time to ponder.

At any rate, the doctors say that Lovey has got some elevated enzyme levels from her liver. They're keeping her another night for observation. Hopefully she will get to come home in time tomorrow for #2 to visit this weekend.

So, stay tuned.

As of this writing, I'm doing very well and continue to look forward to the holidays. I plan to have a quiet Christmas with my daughter and then I'm open for discussion.

I'm looking for many happy days ahead.

FLASH! LOVEY IS HOSPITALIZED!

I just returned from having dinner at Lovey's mother's house. She told me that Lovey is in the hospital and they have her under observation. She's also hooked up to a heart monitor. I don't know what the issues are...but it sounds like she has really been sick.

More info as I learn more!

"My Mom is Santa!"

Okay, here goes. This is my first video posting. Hope it works as easily as they say it does. This little clip is making the rounds in cyberspace this year. So enjoy!

A Holiday Greeting To You!

Dear Friends:

Warm holiday greetings from the my little homestead near Washington, D.C.! I trust that this finds you and yours well and happy.

This has been quite a year for me. I certainly know now what the empty nest feels like!

Daughter #1 left home on February 5 to begin her new career as a Peace Corps volunteer in El Salvador. She was thrilled to be there and entertained me with details of her first assignment: building a latrine! Since that time she has rented a house of her own, had some key pieces of furniture built for her, acquired a kitten named Tigre, visited with her new “neighbors”: the resident scorpions, tarantulas, and snakes; and, become accustomed to cold showers, and doing her laundry in the closest mountain streams. She’s made a host of friends, and is happy.

Daughter #2 continues to make Nashville, Tennessee her home. I helped her to move into her own apartment in a gated apartment complex in the Brentwood section of Nashville. She’s found a job as a receptionist to pay the bills, but still works quite hard on her music career. She’s completed writing five songs and is in the process of recording them as the basis of the demo she’s producing. Once completed, she’ll be distributing these far and wide to anyone who’ll give her a listen. Hopefully, a heavy hitter or two in Nashville will give her the opportunity she seeks and she’ll be on her way! She continues to broaden her contacts. I’m sure it’s now all just a matter of time …

My son attained the rank of corporal in the Marine Corps this year. In September he was deployed to Al Asad, Iraq and is still working as a logistics specialist. While there, he has made the decision to signup for four more years in the Marines. As of this moment, the paperwork has all been completed. His next four year period begins in June 2008. In the spare time he has in Iraq, he has enrolled in college and is working to get his degree in logistics. I am thrilled that he continues to do so well.

In the midst of all this, my divorce was finalized on May 29, 2007 after 25 years, 5 months and 17 days of marriage. When the end finally came, it sort of reminded me of the feelings one has when a terminally ill family member finally passes on. While it’s expected, the end brings a certain amount of sadness, shock, hurt, but also a degree of relief that it’s over. While I wish I could tell you that I handled it all beautifully and was basically a spiritual giant, I honestly can’t say this. It was hard….it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest…..and I have spent much time in the wee hours only communicating with God in small whimpers and many tears. Thankfully, my cocker spaniel was there to offer comfort with a wagging tail, a sloppy wet kiss or two and a very cold nose.

Still I carry on.

I pray that your holiday celebrations are filled with much happiness and joy. May you be blessed in the coming year! I know that I’m looking for many better years ahead.

You’re loved!

Dan Fogelberg

Did you hear the news?

Singer Dan Fogelberg died last Sunday Morning in Maine.

For me, his music defines a long ago era in my life. A much simpler time.....a time when I was younger....and when there wasn't so much wear and tear in my life.

His song, "Longer," is forever associated with my honeymoon. It's the song that was playing the morning after my wedding. It played as Lovey and I were running around our hotel room in Williamsburg, Virginia getting ready to explore the Tidewater Region that Sunday Morning -- 26 years ago.

Here I am 26 years later....the marriage is dead....and the singer too is dead.

Kind of fitting, don't you think?

I'm seriously thinking of driving down to Williamsburg in the next few weeks. I want to go to that same hotel....and to enjoy the sites and sounds of Williamsburg in the winter.

I want overlay new memories of the place over those old, sentimental ones.

I think I'll take some of Mr. Fogelberg's recordings along on the trip to associate his words and music with a new era -- the dawn of a new adventure, which is my new life.

Some Other Signs of Healing.....

A dear friend told me early on in this process that you'll know that you're beginning to heal when you start sleeping in the middle of the bed...instead of the side you stayed on during your marriage.

I think this is very indicative of how I'm tracking.

For the longest time in these two years, I've actually tried to sleep in the middle, but invariably I wake up on my side. Or...I'm so far on my side that I'm right on the edge.

It's been very interesting.

So, let's fast forward to these past few weeks.

Things have changed....and it's almost like it was overnight. My positive feelings....my happy thoughts......the simple joy that I have in drawing my next breath have just all "appeared."

Needless to say, I'm amazed.

And, this morning, I noticed that when I awoke, I am totally sprawled out across the bed. I mean my dog, Davy, barely has room to find a place to curl up on my QUEEN sized bed!

Am I healing or what?

Something has changed. Most definitely.

It's just a tad unsettling.

My West Virginia fatalism kicks in and I find myself wondering when something bad is going to happen. I'm just TOO happy.

But that is so silly. I've had such a sad life these past years.....and it's now refreshing to feel like I have definitely moved on.

Defnitely.

The Healing Continues

One of the thoughts my pastor left us with yesterday as she concluded her sermon was, “Choose Joy!”

I’m one of those guys that just did ever do that because up until very recently, I didn’t have a lot of joy to choose from.

It seemed that the gay thing had caused my life to spin totally out of control and that I spent the majority of my time bobbing and weaving from one drama until the next. Or that I would just exists from one tearful outburst from Lovey to another. And the complaints. Oh man…I had to put up with all the complaints about everything.

It was a sad life.

But in my journey here, I have started to experience joy: the simple joy of living….of catching my next breath…….or watching my dog sleep peacefully in front of the Christmas tree.

Perhaps the greatest joy that I’m now learning to handle is the joy of entertaining others and of being a good friend. You see, my gayness served as a pretty impenetrable fortress on which to forge friendships. I avoided them. I didn’t feel that I had much to offer.

Who, after all, would want to spend time with me….an ugly old fag.

But I’ve found out that I’m not necessarily ugly….and that the friends I have made do seem to want to spend more time with me. And I can’t begin to tell you how much it affirms me to hear them say, “Frank, you have such a wonderful and comfortable home!”

After all, it wasn’t that long ago when I was fretting about decorating my home…..and feeling so very unsure of myself or my abilities.at decorating.

But here I am al those months later….and my friends like what all I have done.

And all it took was me stepping out and doing it and giving it my best shot!

26 Years Ago Today...

December 12, 1981 was my big day.

It was the day that every person hopes to have and when that day dawns, it is full of hope and promise.

I’m speaking of my wedding to Lovey.

As of this writing, I am doing very well. I’m happy. I’m content. AND…I’m very glad that the divorce is over in all respects.

It’s been over six months since things were finalized, and I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with myself. I’m just enjoying the time of becoming more acquainted with me. It started off scary….but as I’ve gingerly found my way, it seems to be evening out nicely. So, stay tuned.

When I got home last night, I found some interesting mail waiting for me. I received Lovey’s Christmas Card and her holiday letter. This was a first for me. It also had a note that Lovey had made a contribution in my name to one of those charities that feed the underprivileged. I learned that whatever it was she gave, 800 people will be fed in my name.

So, she gave me a present. (At Thanksgiving, I had given her a photoquality print of the newspaper our son’s picture appeared in from my home town.)

I also had two other envelopes in my mailbox from Lovey’s retirement plan. A distribution had been made into an account established for me…. The original balance I was to be given had grown by $20,000!

So yesterday was a good day!

Life is going on rather nicely!

It's Time For An Anniversary!

Oh my!

It's THAT time of year again.

As of 2pm tomorrow, December 12, 2007, it will have been 26 years since I got married to Lovey.

Yes, it's another anniversary.

A day for me to pause and to remember. But don't count on me dwelling on the past. My present is keeping me WAAAAAAAY too busy for all that.

I suppose I'm still in shock. I mean, the separation and divorce and the aftermath were all such a black and bleak period for me. I never thought I'd see the light of day ever again.....or that I would ever be happy ever again.

Yet, within the past few weeks, I've noted that I'm a lot more happy and content than ever before. I'm not sad. I'm not depressed. I've finally forgiven myself for all my shortcomings. (And, there are many.)

Still I'm amazed at how subtle the improvement came upon me. I'm so thankful that I'm happy and seemingly adjusting well to the fact that I am single....a single gay man that is no longer driven to find a mate. Or one that is haunted by the past.

I'm jus a guy, who is working to be complete and content...and I am well on my way.

I found the attached picture on the internet. It made me chuckle because it wasn't that long ago that I felt like the groom on the cake... Actually, the cake is a "divorce cake." Obviously it is taken from the wife's perspective.

I guess different people, express all the different feelings, well......er.....differently.

In thinking about things....it occurred to me that probably the epiphany started to hit me the night I drove Lovey to pick up #2 from the airport on the night before Thanksgiving. But there was a feeling of thankfulness on my part.......and I didn't write aout it here........to no longer have her in my life. I mean...she still has a lot of issues. And, it is clear that she's not going to be happy regardless of anything.

Further, she's beginning to tug on the kids.....trying to lay guilt trips upon them about their spending so much time with me and not with her.

So, I just leave them alone. It's their problem....and they need to work it all out.

I'm just going on about my business.....and being available when the kids want me. I refuse to make any demands upon them.

Weddings are such strange events. Do I still celebrate the marriage...or do as I have done for the past 2 years....just leave it all alone? I mean, no matter what I do or say....When December 12 rolls around annually......I can't change the fact that on December 12, 1981, that I walked down that aisle with Lovey.

Last year I purchased china to replace the china that Lovey filched when she left in June of 2006. I then took myself to dinner. I laid down a whole host of new memories....for my 25th anniversary.

I'm thinking that I don't need to do anything like that.

It's over.

And I'm getting on with my life.

It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good to be healing.

Nicely.

Friday Morning

Something has happened to Frank.

There has been a change.

I didn't see it coming....or feel it when it happened. It's just that I woke up this morning and most definitely there is change.

What is it you may ask?

I suppose it's a change of attitude....is that a mindset?

I think what's happened is that I've finally forgiven myself for the demise of my marriage.

You see, one of those core values that defined me as a person said that once you marry, it's forever. When you divorce it is failure.

I had ownership of the divorce.

I had been totally consumed by the if onlys.

If only I hadn't been gay.

If only I had tried harder.

If only I had been a better husband.

If only I had paid closer attention to Lovey.

If only I had tried to make Lovey happier.

If only I had made more money.

If only I had not been so fixated on my needs and wants.

If only I had sacrificed more.

If only I hadn't gotten the dog.

If only I hadn't put wooden spoons into the dishwasher.

If only I hadn't left the toilet seat up.

If only I hadn't acted on my gay tendencies.

If only I......I........I......I.......I.

This gets to be quite unhealthy after a while.

So, it's time to forgive myself. I'm human. Trying to be perfect and god like isn't healthy and it puts you under a whole lot of stress that just doesn't have to be there.

I'm a gay man with distinct needs. I did the best I could with the knowledge and drives that I had at the time. Hindsight is always perfect, but there is no going back.

And I've forgiven myself.....

I've really forgiven myself....

I'm beginning to like me again.

I wonder if the new medications have helped here. Perhaps chemical imbalances have caused the psychological issues I've faced.

My whole attitude has changed. My energy levels are at an all time high.

I feel like me...from many years ago. The positive and forward thinking me from years ago.

Yes, this is getting to be kind of interesting now.

My attitude is definitely adjusting.

Dr. Phil

Have y’all ever watched the Dr. Phil show?

For the past few weeks, I’ve been programming my trusty DVR to record him. It fascinates me.

But I’m just wondering if it’s me…or if someone else has noticed the tendency for Dr. Phil to bash husbands….and feel totally sorry for wives. I’ve never really seen him bash a wife for bad behavior.

Case in point: a husband has been separated from his wife for 6 months. They have been married for five years. He’s had at least 50 affairs and has several small children. She says that he is physically violent/abusive….he says that the only time he has ever gotten physical is in order to “restrain” her from punching his face. Dr. Phil and Bishop T. D. Jakes are horrified that he didn’t just walk away.

They spent much time harping on the guy’s affairs, which the man has said weren’t good…and realized they were wrong….but he said that she had her affairs too. Husband said that he spent a lot of time trying to get his wife to “grow up”. She never lifted a finger around the house. She has never learned to drive, even though he has encouraged her to do so repeatedly.

At one point during the discussion, the wife got “frightened” of the husband so Dr. Phil sat between them in order to calm her down.

Not once did Dr. Phil or the good bishop talk to the wife about her affairs….or how bad it was……or how inappropriate it is for a wife to attempt to punch out her husband’s headlights out.

Clearly I don’t get it.

Thursday Morning

Greetings from snowy Northern Virginia!

We've had an Alberta Clipper to move through and as I sit here and write this, the sun is dancing on the new fallen snow. It's beautiful outside....and the sky is a perfect blue. It's cold as can be outside, but still, it's so nice to have the snow.

I love it.

I apologize for not having written for a long while. I've been under the weather with a very bad head cold....and dual ear infections. Ah...the joys of diabetes. My doctor always says that with diabetes, you can be a whole lot sicker than you feel....and in my case...I felt so bad, I just didn't know what to do. I saw my doctor early on Tuesday.....she gave me an antibiotic, but yesterday I felt so very bad...I stayed home from the office.

It was so weird. I think this is the first time that I've been REALLY sick since my daughter moved to El Salvador... When you feel so bad, it only seems to heighten the feeling of aloneness. Gosh I hate it.

Had a busy weekend.

I went to church on Sunday and found myself, at lunch, receiving a pep talk from a lesbian couple. (I think I told you before that the lesbians in my church have all adopted me...and made me an honorary lesbo... It all stems from the retreat I attended in the summer and they all discovered that I was one of the few gay men present who knew how to throw a ball!)

What began the peptalk was the fact that they were going on and on about how they met. I'm always fascinated by hearing how gays and lesbians meet....and how the dynamics work. We then were talking about all our hopes for the New Year. I said that I hoped I'd my Mr. Right would become available...in the coming year. They turned to me and said, "Oh, Frank....you're not going to have any problems at all." With this they started enumerating all my good qualitites.

It's funny....but after all the years of marriage.....and the painful separation and divorce......it has been a long time since someone sat me down and proceeded to enumerate all the good qualities they perceive me to have. I felt like a dry sponge finally coming in contact with a small puddle of water. I sucked it all in. It made me feel great. I'm so blessed.

There's also a new friend of mine that I made while up in Providence. I think of him now as my life coach...and told him that I think he would do well in that kind of role. He's actually taken the time to talk to me.......via email.....via phone......and encouraged me. Sometimes, all it takes is one little word of encouragement that gets us through a dry place.

All I know is that I'm so very blessed to have such an arsenal of friends....online.....at church.....who seem to genuinely care about me. Gosh....to think I've had up those very tall and very thick walls for so long. I'm glad I was brave enough to let them down.....and to be a blogger....and to go to the church that I'm currently going to.

I am VERY encouraged.

Thanks to all of you...for your words of encouragement throughout the year.

On a sidebar topic....I had a chance to check in with therapist #4 about how I'm tracking with my life after divorce. I did not mention the other 3....and I certainly didn't say anything about what they had told me. I just wanted to hear his thoughts. It was his belief that I'm doing well. Therapy isn't needed. He thinks that there is quite an adjustment to be made after having been involved in a relationship for as long as I have. "Of course there will be the sad and lonely times," he said. "But, look at how you're dealing with them....you've made new friends....you've reached out.... You've not become a hermit or shut down." I also told him about my blog and my online support groups I am part of.... All of which he agreed were very healthy outlets to express my feelings and thoughts.
So I found all that affirming too.

So, today, I'm doing well emotionally.

One thing I've noticed....the bad times seem to be at longer and longer intervals.

This is a good thing!