Feeling Frosty!

Hopefully by now you get the idea that I've been feeling a bit frosty about the Triple A fiasco with Lovey.

When I'm like this, I generally take a few steps backward and gather my wits about me and then figure out how I am going to respond.

This morning, Lovey gave me that opportunity.

She sent me an email complaining about her lack of time with our son, the Marine. She also sent me an email that one of her inebriated sisters sent to all concerned about our son....and his alleged deployment date.... The sister was so inebriated...she was shamefaced in not knowing who she sent the email to...However, the dentist was clued in. Of course, that sister is now working with him......and getting sloshed in the process.....her husband who works in Boston was also on the list....

Oh well....my mind is going in MANY different directions. More topics for another day.

At any rate, I decided to respond to Lovey. Here it is:

Lovey:

Based on the way that I feel at the moment, email is the last thing I should probably be doing…but here goes anyway.

Thanks for the voice mail and the email about our son. The email seems to be just a calendar entry that just informs everyone of when he will be deployed…nothing more. I’m curious as to how your sister got the date because when I had the hour or so with our son, he was totally adamant that he had not been given any dates. Given your sister's apparent inebriated condition at the time she sent this entry, do you suppose she can remember where she got her information from? In a subsequent IM, our son could only give me a 3-day window…which at this point has not even been confirmed--to me at least.

Aw, look on the brighter side Lovey! At least you, your sisters, Amanda, Chip and Ted were all kept in the loop. Who am I? I’m just the dad! The last on everyone's list!

So, the bottom line for me is this: I am unable to change my schedule at the moment he decides to let me know about when he is leaving. Even though I would give anything to be there, it’s looking more and more grim that I won’t be able to go. So, I just have to relish the hour or so he was able to tear himself away from his friends last Wednesday for dinner. My feeling is that if he had really wanted me there…he would be more communicative with me now.

While I have you….you should know that this hasn’t been a good week for me.
I had to get #1’s car towed to the dealer because the master and slave cylinders of the clutch system failed. Now imagine my frustration to find out that although the last Triple A card you gave to me was good through February 1, 2008 and even though you and I had agreed to keep the membership intact until then, you dropped me and #1…..without any warning!! (At least I kept you in cell phone service and car insurance until the last possible moment….and provided you with adequate warning when those benefits would cease.) From my standpoint, Triple A should have not been an issue -- given the fact that the AAA membership fee is paid up front. We could have been dropped when your membership was up for renewal on February 1, 2008 all without any extra cost to you. But again, what do I know....? I'm just the X.

As it happened, I had to pay $100 for a new membership. Then, because I’m a “new” member, there’s a seven day waiting period for free towing services. So, then there was a towing charge I would have had to pay…if the car dealership had been further than 3 miles. Thankfully, it was EXACTLY three miles from my house.

So…as you can imagine….I am feeling a bit “frosty”

Yes, I'm frosted.

My cookies have been toasted.

I've been flamed.

All of these metaphors are pretty good at describing my feelings on the day of the fiasco.

So we'll see how Lovey responds....it will be a good reading no doubt!

Stay tuned.

Flashback

Here's a posting that I prepared, but never published here. It was written during one of my many LOW periods from the time of my separation...very early on in my blog writing. I marvel at just how far I have come.

From 2006:

I am trying....

To get over this fog... I'm tired.....

of the anger....the guilt......the bitterness....

I personally know someone in the Christian World who was fairly well known a few years ago. She was quite successful in all that she did. She wrote, and her books sold. She was a sought after speaker. She has graced the stage with the likes of Billy Graham and Johnny Cash. She had a successful film series that went to all the churches. She recorded for a prestigious Christian Music label.

She knew all the heavy hitters in the Christian World at the time.

Then she had a divorce...not her idea.

No, this had nothing to do with the gay issue. She was about as straight as they come...

BUT...she suffered from some of the angst I am now facing... All her friends turned on her...her bookings dried up. Her record label ditched her. Her publisher dropped her. Why? Because she got a divorce and it wasn't her idea. Her husband moved out of their home during her recovery from cancer surgery!

At the time, she wrote something that appeared in one of her books. It spoke to me then....and continues to speek now.....to me...and pretty much sums up my feelings for the moment:

"The Un-Feeling"

"Unwanted
Unusable
Unimportant
Unnecessary
Unworthy
Unforgivable
Unpardonable
Unaccewptable
Uneffective
Unqualified
Unclean
Unholy
Unloved"

I am wanted and loved by a few folks.... But the rest of that list pretty much sums up my feelings on about every other level.

Yes, I still consider myself to be a Christian. Just not a very victorious one right now.

I don't mean to sound like a drama queen here, but here I sit....getting ready for bed. I'm very disappointed in myself. My life is not anything like I had wanted...what I had planned.

Oh, there are some nice things....I am determined to land on my feet.

BUT....oh the feelings of FAILURE...I don't like to fail....

But here I am. Feeling as though I have gone through a treadmill of defeat....failure.....feelings as though God is a million miles away....and here I am...all battered and blue.....face down in the dust. Scarred....scorn.....dirty.....alone......battling all my demons.

********

WOW!

Such drama there! I can remember my angst. My pain.

At this moment, I am almost at the 4 month mark after the final divorce decree. It hasn't always been easy. But I have landed on my feet....and I'm moving forward.

Thankfully.

Early Wednesday Morning

It's been a while since I shared a picture with you all that I took. So, here is a shot from our riverboat as we neared Mt. Vernon (Home of George Washington...and he's also buried on the grounds.) on Friday morning. Enjoy!

I'm sitting here in the stillness of my house. My hands are itching from a bad breakout of eczema.

Due to all the stress of the day, I have a bad breakout of this skin thing. It's not fun. But I have to live with it.

The dealership called me this afternoon to say that it was the master cylinder and slave....that caused the problem with the clutch. So, it's going to run approximately $600. YEAH! It's only money! I'm feeling a bit stressed about this topic at the moment because of my heave debt servicing I have to do each month. Divorce is expensive. Maintaining a household is expensive. Replacing furniture is expensive. Eating is expensive. Taking care of 3 kids is expensive. Money, money, money.

AAARGH.

I working fiendishly to get creative in the ways that I can handle all this debt and dig out. But the going is terribly slow. AND...just as I think I'm beginning to turn things around, I get stopped....dead in my tracks....stopped.

Like today.

Purchasing a AAA membership was not a part of the plan. I mean...not having to shell out the $97 at this critical moment. Also, paying $600 to have a car repaired was not on the agenda either.

I'm concerned about my mother.

I'm concerned aboutmy dad.

I'm upset with my son the marine....

Will it ever end?

I'm so frustrated.

This is NOT a Good Day

I am having a VERY BAD day.

Nothing totally colossal.

Just everything in general.

First I had to have my daughter's car towed to the dealership from my development. This is my daughter that lives in El Salvador (#1). When I was trying to move that car to another parking space, the clutch ceased to function. So, there that car sat.

I didn't need that expenditure now. But, I have it!

What caused this to be so critical was that when I got home on Sunday evening from church, I had a note in my door from the police department telling me that my car was about to be towed.

This morning I called my trust AAA customer service line. I've been a member since 2004. My card was set to expire in November 2007.

Imagine my shock when the telephone person told me that I had been dropped from AAA by Lovey! It wasn't costing her anything to keep me on until November. She dropped me and #1 without warning. So, I had to fork over an addition $100 for a membership....towing would cost because there is a seven day waiting period.

It's only additional money. Money I do not have.

It's scary!

I finally got into my office around 11:30.

At around 1:00 p.m., Lovey called to say that my son, who had told us that he had gone back to North Carolina on Friday, actually returned this morning. He spent the night en route last night with his first cousin in Richmond.

A lie!

I don't know why I should be so angry and so upset over this. He's lied many, many times before. It always surfaces when he lies. So, I'm very angry about all this.

VERY angry.

Just got off the telephone with Mom. She tells me that at her cardiac doctor's appointment today, the doctor has located what he thinks is an aneuuyrism on her aorta. A CTSCAN is scheduled for September 28. If it is as the doctor believes, then she has to have surgery to correct the problem.

I'm frightened.

Pray for me.

Something Profound

Well, the system here says that this is post #400 in my blog.

I wish I had something great or profound to leave you with ass you read this, but I'm weary....and ready for bed.

It was a busy day for me. I arose at an ungodly hour and got to the office by 6:30a.m. We all then headed for the dock in Southwest Washington to catch the boat that would take all of us to Mt. Vernon. My boss decided that we all needed a break and he treated us to an all day visit to Mt. Vernon and the boat rides to and from....along with breakfast and lunch.

It was great getting to enjoy the fresh air, the river, and just being able to ponder and to meditate....as well as to spend some time with my friends at the office in a non professional setting.

Tonight I got to spend time with gay male friends from my church. We had dinner and played cards until close to midnight. I'm tired, but in a happy kind of way.

Brokeback has been in Munich this week on business....

He returns tomorrow afternoon and may join me for church on Sunday. This is my 3-day weekend...so I hope to get lots accomplished.

Tonight in the mids of my card playing, my cell phone rang. Lovey was calling to grouse about the marine.....and the fact that he had not shown up at her house as planned.....and the he had not been in contact with her mother.

I told her that I had text messaged him to see where he was, and had not received a response. So, I didn't know where he was, or what he has been up to.

After hearing Lovey grumble and complain more, I told her that I would do some checking to see what was going on.

We hung up....I texted the marine and got a response back. He was summoned back to base early...after he had begun his trip to see his mom. He said he was upset by this.

So, I'm not sure what all of this is about...but it bothers me....

I don't want to be accused of alientating my kids from Lovey. (She's done a good enough job of that herself through the years.)

I don't have really good feelings about the marine headed off to Iraq.......I hae this terrible forboding that something is going to happen to him over there.

If this in fact happens, it will aboslutely kill me. I just don't know how I will be able to handle all this. Only God knows.

I pray that I am wrong. I've told him repeatedly how much I love him. I just hope that wherever he goes or whatever he does, he will remember this.....

I'm worried.

The Blues

Ever since returning from vacation in West Virginia, I’ve been struggling with a big time case of the blues.

I usually feel a little down after having visited home for a few days.

But this time is different.

Everything sort of caught up with me this time.

My son is headed to Iraq at the end of September. He came to Northern Virginia for 10 days of leave before leaving. He’s not spent one night at home. I’ve only spent a couple of hours with him and that was over a quick meal.

He tells me that he will be doing military police duty while in Iraq. The whole thing makes me feel quite uneasy. He’s impulsive. He doesn’t think things through. He’ll have a gun.

He travels tomorrow to see his mother, Lovey. He is spending a night there, but the way he talks, he doesn’t really want to have to do this.

Trying to get him to speak with his surviving grandparents is like pulling teeth.

He’ll be gone for seven months and supposedly he will be coming home after that. He’s opting out of staying in the military. He doesn’t like being told what to do or getting in trouble for screwing up!

Lovey phoned me today.

We’ve now been divorced for almost four months and she’s trying to give me orders…and she’s no longer my wife.

Every order she gave, I responded by saying “no!”

It was an eye opening experience for her I think.

She’s complaining about how bad she feels. Her back is “killing her”. Even valium and Alleve aren’t helping it.

In my head, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Lovey is actually a hypochondriac. She’s as healthy as a horse, but to hear her tell it, the death watch has begun.

Before she moved out of my house over a year ago, she announced that when she moved out, God would be healing her when she left me. You see, I was the reason for all her maladies. God knows how sick she was…..and when you couple all that with the rawness she said she had inside, I just don’t know how she suffered as long as she did with her queer husband.

But, she’s still just as sick as she’s ever been. – rushing from one doctor to another. Consuming this prescriptions….consuming that prescriptions.

Oh my!

So, really, as much as she would like to blame all of her aches and pains on me, I’m not really the reason for them.

Just like I wasn’t the reason for the messy house….or the piles of junk everywhere. I’m not the reason for her psychological and the spiritual maladies she has been plagued by for so long.

Mercy!

Secrets

During the time I was married to Lovey, I noticed how her family kept secrets from one another. They especially had secrets that they kept from Dad O’Lovey because he was known to go ballistic over very stupid things. Ultimately he would calm down, but the grief he exerted was just not worth it.

I had my own secrets that I kept from my family which were all centered around the gay thing.

I hated it.

It really bothered me that I couldn’t be the person I was intended to be.

I had to keep a significant part of me hidden away from public disclosure.

So, here I am now, trying to live authentically without secrets. I’m pretty much “what you see is what you get.”

But I still see glimmers of the old secret ways reflected n Lovey’s family and being transmitted to my daughters. Oy….I hate it.

For example, the latest open secret in Lovey’s family is that one of her sisters is not having a very good time with her husband of eight or nine years. This is the daughter that Mom O’Lovey told my mother that she “just couldn’t say no” to certain physical pastimes with the opposite sex.

This is how the first grand child came to be.

This is why she got married the first time.

There are lots of skeletons in the closet there. Everyone talks about it. I believe it will be only a matter of time before this sister and her husband split thus signaling the beginning of round three.

You see, each of Lovey’s sisters have all been married one time before. Each of them are now on husband number 2. So, this particular sister would then be free to pursuen husband #3.

As far as Lovey is concerned, I heard through the grapevine that she has been grilling the girls about what they have said to me about her love life. I happened to ask #2 if her mom has herself a man yet, to which she responded, “that she wouldn’t tell me if she knew.”

Excuse me?

Is there a serious secret here?

Again, this all exposes an interesting trait about Lovey…she wants everything about her kept secret. She wanted to divorce kept secret. She wanted the identity of her attorney kept secret. Now she wants information about her dating habits kept secret.

Clearly I’m missing something here.

BUT, I don’t miss the associated drama.

September 11 Memories

Today is the sixth anniversary of that awful day, September 11, 2001.

I will never forget that day because it affected me personally. I lived through it.

I work for a federal agency in downtown Washington, D.C. As a matter of fact, twenty-nine years ago today, I began my career in the federal government. Back then, the world was simpler and I had a rather simple view of my life. Gee, things were a lot easier then.

But on September 11, 2001, I was at work in my office. I have a big window that looks out onto the Capitol dome.

It was a beautifully clear late summer day. I had arrived at work late that morning. Lovey had taken my car keys with her and I had to wait for her mother to arrive at my house to bring my extra set. I then got caught in a big traffic jam at the Pentagon, which is a normal occurrence.

I had just gotten settled into my normal routine, when one of my employees came to me and said, "Frank, I just got a call from my ex-wife. She told me the strangest thing. A small plane has crashed into the World Trade Center."

I was amazed. The office was abuzz. Just then, word filtered down that another plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. Something strange was happening.

Another of my employees had a portable TV and she was watching everything. A large group of us were gathered around trying to figure out what was happening. I telephoned Lovey, who had not heard anything about the drama. She turned on her radio and began telling everyone at her office about the crashes.

Not long afterwards, journalists began reporting about a mysterious explosion at the Pentagon. It would be a while before people knew it was an airplane. I went to the roof of my office building with my digital camera. From there I could see the black smoke rising from the Pentagon.

It was bad.

By then it was reported that a plane had hit the Pentagon and that there were other planes. We were under attack.

The federal government closed all agencies in Washington. A mass tried to leave my building, but due to gridlock, nothing was moving. I went to my desk and calmly called my children's schools to let them know that their parents were okay. Since I had to cross a major bridge to go back to my house, there was no way that I was going to get stuck in traffic...or worse....become a sitting duck on the 14th Street Bridge.

At that moment, security called my desk to let me know that Brokeback was downstairs. I went down and he looked as though he had seen a ghost. He was a wreck.

Security let him through and we went to my cafeteria, which by that time was giving food away. We went to my office and just waited for traffic to thin out.

Around 1:30, the streets looked empty. Brokeback said he would drive me home because he didn't want to be alone. So we headed down I-395 to my home....and we passed the Pentagon. Debris and dust were still flying, but the road was empty. We were the only car on the road.

I got home well before the kids got home from school and I remember watching ABC News coverage with the late Peter Jennings.

When my babies got home.....I wrapped them in my arms....and held them close.

It was a defining moment.

Reflections on the Picture

Back on March 22 of this year, I wrote the story of the picture that defines this blog. In that entry I said,

"You can't see it, but my head is racing and I'm experiencing a ton of new feelings that are on the verge of swamping me in depression. I did not know what was up ahead. Looking around at my new surroundings...alone. Frightened and hurt in the situation I found myself in. Remembering how my life used to be, versus how it was at the time. That picture becomes very poignant when one knows the point in time it captures. It shows a divorcing gay man, whose world is in total chaos trying to process it all...trying to hold it all together."

It has now been two years since the picture was taken that I use as the centerpiece of my blog. It's very symbolic of where I was at the time.

The picture was taken just about three months after Lovey had lowered the boom and announced her plans. I was frightened -- not sure of what lay around the bend. If you look closely at the picture, what lies ahead looks dark and even foreboding.

Having never personally experienced separation and divorce personally, I was full of fear and was afraid basically of what was around the bend. I was even frightened of my own shadow.

But I kept moving forward.

Here we are two years almost exactly to the day. I took an updated picture of the winding country road where the original shot was taken. Once again this latest version serves as an appropriate metaphor of where I am today. Can you see the subtle differences between it and the original?

For one thing, it is still very clear that the future is unknown. One just doesn't know what lies around that curve. However, in exploring this place first hand this past weekend, I noticed that things are quite a bit brighter than they had been originally.

In that original photograph, it looks as if I am gingerly selecting my steps and there are only very small patches of sunlight that appear on the road. I appear to be heading straight for one such small patch. In actuality, I felt almost desperate to grab onto anything that would keep me afloat emotionally.

The new picture is much brighter. The whole path is brightly illuminated. While there are still patches of sunlight striking the path ahead, they aren't nearly as prominent, because the whole path is illuminated and as you move forward to the curve things only become brighter -- not darker as it had appeared in the original.

Since I attended the church retreat back in August, I'm very sensitive to the light shining on my path. I'm also taken by the concepts of paths and following the correct one. When I saw how much this path had changed, I had to take a picture because it represents me and just how much I have changed.

Finally, I'm amazed at the color. The pictures were taken at nearly the same time of day and almost at the exact same spot with the very same camera. Yet, the colors are so much more vivid in the newest picture. This fact represents the fact that I'm now in control of my own life and able to stop and take in the world around me. I can pause and take a deep breath of fresh air if I want to. I can look around and think -- even meditate.

Life at my house is peaceful and tranquil. There are no arguments and no yelling. No slamming doors or stomping up the stairs.

Yes, I'm living my life quietly.

What a difference two years makes.

More Change

My hometown has one mall.

It has been in existence for about 20 or so years and is located in a former cow pasture along the interstate about 5 miles outside of town. The stores are pretty typical....there's a Penneys, a Sears, an Elder-Beerman's, a Macy's, and the usual other mall stores.

Mom and I drove up to Border's Books yesterday. It was a very hot, late summer day. She wanted some lipstick from one of the department stores.....and I went to Borders. Things certainly have changed.

The magazine racks contained OUT, THE ADVOCATE and host of other gay culture/lifestyle type publications. Just as I caught my breath from seeing that, I turned to walk over to the music section and there were two lesbians walking slowly through the store...hand in hand......browsing and taking their time. Folks in the bookstore didn't give them a second look.

I then went out into the mall to find mom....and there were a host of gay men....flitting around the various kiosks in the mall. I smiled and inside felt quite affirmed. When I got to the department store my mother was in, I couldn't help but notice the obvious gay young man, with frosted hair, jewelry everwhere on his hands and neck, fussing with some older women at the makeup counter....helping them apply foundation "properly".

I told mother, "Lots of family are around here."

But the darker side still exists....

A pastor in the area has been arrested for molesting young men in his congregation ten years ago. At last count, over 40 young men have come forward with more expected. WHEW.

And on the cover of today's local newspaper is the heartbreaking story of a man close to my age being beaten to death because he was gay. The beating took place in a small town about 12 miles away from the mall. Many people have been quoted as saying how senseless this was.

In its own little way...even the tragic death of this young man is a symbol of the way things are changing here in my hometown.

But it's sad that it must come with such a high price tag.

Times/Things Change

Many, many years ago, I used to watch a variety of country music programs on television with my parents. Every Saturday night were those old syndicated programs, from the Grand Ole Opry to the Porter Wagoner Show.

One song that used to be done repeatedly was a mournful song entitled "Rank Strangers"...and as I recall, it was about a person who went back home after many, many years and visited old familiar haunts only to find out just how much things had changed and how all his friends had become "rank strangers" to him.

I never could understand that song....and how that could be. It used to bother me and make me quite upset.


Now, I understand.

On this trip home, I've had the opportunity of visiting some of my old familiar haunts....places that I had not visited in years. Things had changed. REALLY CHANGED.

Over forty years ago, I would spend occasional weekends with my baby sitter at her elderly relative's home. Yesteday, I drove out there with my mother. The bridge that was at the end of their street had been replaced. The street itself was not as I had reembered it. I had a difficult time even identifying the house. But there it was! Much smaller than I had remembered. The house color had changed. And the house was for sale!

Gosh, I wonder how much it was being sold for.

I fantasized and wondered, what it would be like to move back here and to live in that house.

My high school has long closed. My elementary school was torn down years ago. The place where my dad's barbershop was is vacant and the building will be torn down in a few weeks.

I even drove out the road to where the Marshall University Airplane crash site was. Due to the movie, "We Are Marshall," they've erected a memorial overlook to the site with a plaque. This site once was located on a busy highway. Sadly after 37 years, the highway has been rerouted, and the memorial now stands on a dead end. The site of the crash is now covered in woods and trees and underbrush. It was once a clearing with some trailer homes dotting the landscape. No more!

It's odd visiting "home" now.

So much has changed, including me.

Vacation Begins

I'm writing this at the Panera Bread restaurant in Huntington, WV. I'm spending this week with my parents and I was fortunate enough to have my daughter, #2 to visit with. She drove up from Nashville, and we had a grand time. I now have to plan the rest of the week....and go from there. I will be writing more shortly.

Thank-you Senator Craig!

Thanks Senator Craig for making my life even more difficult!

Isn’t it interesting how those folks who like to point fingers and say that gay people like me are such perverts…or that we are a danger to the sanctity of marriage……or that we caused the attacks on September 11…..are the very ones who ultimately get caught up in – HORRORS – lewd conduct?

It seems to me that Senator Craig with his “wide stance” and that other State Senator who worked for McCain campaign in Florida who was arrested for soliciting in the men’s room at a park in Florida……or even Ted Haggard who was filmed saying that Christians have the best sex lives – must be horny devils.

While espousing “family values” and the sanctity of marriage they’re off cruising bathrooms or engaging the services of male prostitutes to “get off.”

It makes the rest of us all look bad.

I’m actually afraid to say that I’m gay.

People may think I’m a real toe-tapper!

What do I do now when I have a piece of rolling luggage and I have to heed the call of nature in an airport restroom? I certainly can’t put the piece of luggage at the front of the stall…folks will think I’m having sex behind it and using the luggage to conceal my unnatural activities.

Or what happens if I drop a piece of paper or a magazine and it goes under the next stall? If I retireve it, a Dudley Do-Right detective or policeman will flash his badge at me and accuse me of doing those commonly used signals to indicate that I’m looking for sex.

Oh NO!

What do you suppose it will mean if my cell phone rings while I’m in a stall? I’m sure someone will dream something up if they are aware that I am gay AND in a stall AND talking on my cell phone!

So, I guess I need to just not tell anyone that I am gay.

I’ll only use the bathroom at home.

I’ll check all my baggage through when I’m traveling and not carry roll-on bags.

I’ll keep my cell phone always turned off at all times.

God help me if I am in public and I have to potty!

AW C'mon!

I have to say that reading the accounts of Republican Senator Larry Craig’s adventures in the Minneapolis Airport bathroom have given me a few chuckles.

For those of you not following Senator Craig’s escapade, here’s the story as it currently appears on CNN.Com.:

Sen. Larry Craig said he "overreacted and made a poor decision" in pleading guilty to disorderly conduct after his June arrest following an incident in a Minneapolis, Minnesota, airport bathroom. Tuesday, in his first public statement on the arrest, the Idaho Republican said he did nothing "inappropriate." "Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been," said Craig, who has aligned himself with conservative groups who oppose gay rights. With his wife by his side, Craig said he is the victim of a "witch hunt" conducted by the Idaho Statesman newspaper. "In pleading guilty, I overreacted in Minneapolis, because of the stress of the Idaho Statesman's investigation and the rumors it has fueled around Idaho," he said. "Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment." He added: "I should not have kept this arrest to myself, and should have told my family and friends about it. I wasn't eager to share this failure, but I should have done so anyway."

A police officer who arrested him June 11 said Craig peered through a crack in a restroom stall door for two minutes and made gestures suggesting to the officer he wanted to engage in "lewd conduct." Craig's blue eyes were clearly visible through the crack in the door, Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport police Sgt. Dave Karsnia wrote in the report he filed. "Craig would look down at his hands, 'fidget' with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again," Karsnia wrote in documents accompanying the arrest report.

Craig said the officer misinterpreted his actions. After he was taken for questioning, the police report says, Craig pulled out of a Senate business card and asked the officer: "What do you think of that?"

Before the senator spoke in Boise, Idaho, Tuesday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, a Republican from Kentucky, informed Craig the leaders of his own party were calling for an ethics investigation into what they termed a "serious matter," a Senate Republican leadership aide told CNN. The aide said senators, who discussed the matter by phone, were especially concerned about the business card allegation.
The GOP leadership consists of McConnell, Assistant Minority Leader Trent Lott of Mississippi, Conference Chairman Jon Kyl of Arizona, Policy Committee Chair Kay Bailey Hutchison of Texas, and Senatorial Committee Chair John Ensign of Nevada.
"Due to the reported and disputed circumstances, and the legal resolution of this serious case, we will recommend that Senator Craig's incident be reported to the Senate Ethics Committee for its review," the group said in a statement.
"In the meantime, Leadership is examining other aspects of the case to determine if additional action is required," the statement said. Craig, 62, pleaded guilty August 8 to a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge in the incident, according to Minnesota criminal records.

The senator said he "chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hope of making it go away. I did not seek any counsel, either from an attorney, staff, friends, or family. That was a mistake, and I deeply regret it." On Tuesday, Craig announced that he has retained an attorney. The officer wrote he was on a plainclothes detail in the restroom because of citizen complaints and arrests for sexual activity there.
Karsnia wrote that when the person occupying the stall beside him left, Craig entered it and blocked the door with his rolling suitcase. "My experience has shown that individuals engaging in lewd conduct use their bags to block the view from the front of their stall," the officer said in his report.

The senator then tapped his right foot, "a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct," Karsnia wrote, and Craig ran his left hand several times underneath the partition dividing the stalls. "The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot, which was within my stall area," the officer's report said. When the police interviewed him later, the senator said that "he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officer's, the report said.
Craig also told police that he had reached down to the floor to pick up a piece of paper, the officer wrote.

"It should be noted that there was not a piece of paper on the bathroom floor, nor did Craig pick up a piece of paper," Karsnia wrote. "During the interview, Craig either disagreed with me or 'didn't recall' the events as they happened."

After Craig ran his hand underneath the partition wall three times, Karsnia held his police identification down by the floor so the senator could see it, the report said.
"With my left hand near the floor, I pointed towards the exit. Craig responded, 'No!'
"I again pointed towards the exit. Craig exited the stall with his roller bags without flushing the toilet," Karsnia wrote.

The senator initially resisted the officer's request to go to the police operations center, he said, but finally did. There, he was read his Miranda rights, interviewed, photographed, fingerprinted and released, the report said.

The Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call first reported the arrest Monday.
In a statement released Monday evening, Craig denied inappropriate conduct and said he regrets his guilty plea, which he entered without having an attorney present.
"At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions. I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct," he said. "I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously." Craig paid a $500 fine when he entered his guilty plea in Hennepin County Municipal Court in Bloomington, Minnesota, according to state criminal records. In his petition to enter a guilty plea, Craig acknowledged that he "engaged in (physical) conduct which I knew or should have known tended to arouse alarm or resentment." He also was required to stipulate in the statement that he would "make no claim that I am innocent of the charge to which I am entering a plea of guilty," the document said.

On Tuesday, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington filed a complaint with the Senate Ethics Committee, asking that the senator's conduct be investigated. The group, which largely targets Republicans, asked the committee to probe whether Craig "violated the Senate Rules of Conduct by engaging in disorderly conduct," a statement said.

"If pleading guilty to charges stemming from an attempt to solicit an undercover officer in a public restroom is not conduct that reflects poorly upon the Senate, what is?" asked Melanie Sloan, the group's executive director, in a statement. Sloan is a former U.S. attorney in the Clinton administration's Justice Department.
Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-California, chairwoman of the Ethics Committee, declined to comment on whether an investigation would be conducted. Her office noted the committee's work is generally confidential.

A Senate aide familiar with Ethics Committee practices said ethics rules do not specifically require a member to disclose pleading guilty to a misdemeanor. But the rules require the panel to look into a matter and determine whether an investigation is appropriate once a formal complaint is lodged. Craig resigned Monday night as a Senate liaison for former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. Romney's son Josh canceled a trip to Idaho on Tuesday. Craig, Idaho's senior senator, is married with three grown children and nine grandchildren. A former rancher, he was first elected to the Senate in 1990 after serving a decade in the House of Representatives. His seat is up for re-election in 2008.

Last fall, Craig's office publicly denied assertions by Internet blogger Mike Rogers that the senator is gay. Craig's office dismissed speculation about the senator's sexuality as "completely ridiculous." In 1982, Craig denied rumors he was under investigation as part of a federal probe into allegations that lawmakers on Capitol Hill had sexual relationships with congressional pages, saying the "false allegations" made him "mad as hell."

He was never implicated in that investigation, which led to ethics charges against two other congressmen. In recent years, Craig's voting record has earned him top ratings from social conservative groups such as the American Family Association, Concerned Women for America and the Family Research Council. He has supported a federal constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, telling his colleagues that it was "important for us to stand up now and protect traditional marriage, which is under attack by a few unelected judges and litigious activists."

In 1996, Craig also voted in favor of the Defense of Marriage Act, which denies federal recognition to same-sex marriages and prevents states from being forced to recognize the marriages of gay and lesbian couples legally performed in other states.
Craig also has opposed expanding the federal hate crimes law to cover offenses motivated by anti-gay bias and, in 1996, voted against a bill that would have outlawed employment discrimination based on sexual orientation, which failed by a single vote in the Senate.

To me, as a semi-out gay man, this is a clear case of one more tormented soul who isn't willing to accept himself as the person he apparently is. He has allowed society, the Bible thumpers and others try to make him be something other than what he was created to be: a gay man.

This news report only makes him look more silly. He says that he has a wide stance which may account for his foot brushing up against the other man's? He was reaching to pick up a piece of non-existant paper? He spent two minutes looking through a crack in the stall door? And all of this is not "inapropriate behavior" in a public men's restroom?

I just really wonder sometimes when or if we are ever going to get to the place where being gay is accepted. Once this is done, the need for secretive and furtive behavior in restrooms will ultimately cease.

If you go to CNN.com, you can watch Mrs. Craig smile and standing next to her persecuted husband. I wonder how she feels. She's now in the same league with Mrs. McGreevey and Mrs. Haggard.

My heart really goes out to them all.

Down Memory Lane

I had several long conversations with my mother on the telephone this weekend.

I was sort of wound up. She was sort of wound up. So we talked for some marathon sessions. It’s a good thing that I have one of those telephone plans that permit me to talk anywhere in the Continental USA for free! I also have tons of rollover minutes on my cellphone plan…so I used those minutes too!

Mom is still upset about the divorce….about Lovey….and all the perceived wrongs that she believes I have had to endure.

Apparently there are many things that I have put out of my mind. Thankfully. But, there is nothing wrong with mother’s mind. She has a memory like a steel trap. She’d start off a conversation with something like, “Did you remember when Lovey did this?” or “Do you remember how Lovey did that?”

When mom would begin the story, I’d remember. The pain….the emotional dreariness all came back…and I remembered – fullforce.

One particular thing that I remember is how Lovey and I could be in separate ends of the house – me doing my thing….she doing her’s. When something would go wrong…regardless…it suddenly became my fault. “FRANK!!!” would be the refrain. It was generally spoken slightly raggedly….and with great aggravation.

I do not miss this.

One time my parents had come for a visit. The kids were scurrying around trying to get out the door to school. Somehow a juice glass had fallen down the drain.

Lovey was notorious for not checking what was in the disposal. She flipped the switch and we had an instantly shattered glass.

“FRANK!!!!” came the scream.

I ran in….and Love was in tears. The juice glass in the sink was my fault…..and she made it clear that I was to stick my hand into the disposal to retrieve all the broken glass.

I looked at her and said, “Look, CALM DOWN! I’ll take care of it.”

She was muttering to herself and was quite upset.l I went to the basement and retrieved my shop vac. Voila! In just a few second, all the broken glass was sucked out of the disposal.

One of many special moments that my mother reminds me of periodically.

Ah! Memory Lane

Pop Quiz

On Friday I received a quiz from a friend of mine that was attributed to Dr. Phil. I took the test and scored a 49. When I totaled my score, I found that it was quite accurate in its description of me.

So, for your pleasure, here it is. What are your results?

*********************************

Dr. Phil’s Personality Quiz
 
Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.
 
The person who sent it placed their score in the e-mail subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends (send it back to the person who sent it to you.) Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
 
Answers are for who you are now --- not who you were in the past. Have pen
or pencil and paper ready.
 
This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major  corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.
 
Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When
you are finished, forward this to friends/family, and also send it to the person who sent this to you. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.
 
Ready?
 
Begin.
 
1. When do you feel your best?
 
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night
 
 
2. You usually walk...
 
a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly
 
 
3. When talking to people you...
 
a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
 
 
4. When relaxing, you sit with...
 
a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) you r legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you
 
 
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
 
a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
 
 
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
 
a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
 
 
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted.  You…
 
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes
 
 
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
 
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yllow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
 
 
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...
 
a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers
 
 
10. You often dream that you are...
 
a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant
 
 
 
POINTS:
 
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 ( d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10 (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
 
Now add up the total number of points.
 
OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you,  hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
 
51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
 
41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
 
31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
 
21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this  reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
 
UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you' re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
 
********************

So, I sent the quiz to a number of my friends and for mischief, I sent it to Lovey. Late last night she responded....

Frank: I found this "quiz" quite interesting. It was fairly accurate for me, I think.  Enjoy! I look forward to hearing from you!
--Lovey

*********************

Hmm.....she looks forward to hearing from me? Surely she forgot who I am!

She's got a long wait!

Spoke with #1 today. She's enjoying El Salvador. During our visit, she said something interesting. She asked me how I'd feel if her mother started dating. I answered very quickly that I would suppport that tremendously and be very hopeful that it led to the altar. That way, I could expect to discontinue alimony. I asked if her mother was dating....and she said that it wasn't happening at the moment, but that based on conversations with her, she's moving in the direction of dating.

Now Lovey is looking forward to hearing from me.

Goodness.

The Weekend!

It’s Friday!

Thank goodness.

Another weekend beckons. I really enjoy the quiet time weekends afford.

I have absolutely nothing planned other than the usual chores that I normally do on Saturday and Sunday.

One of my neighbors, a single woman who offered some suggestions on the interior decorating of my house last summer, wants to go across the street with me sometime tomorrow for some coffee to catch up. I really do enjoy being around her. So, that should be quite fun.

Brokeback and I get to go to the gay married men’s support group tonight. It will be fun to see some of those guys again. It will also be great getting to spend some time with Brokeback. It seems as though it has been forever since we were last able to visit one-on-one.

Speaking of friends, I got to visit yesterday with a friend I haven’t seen in several months. He’s a gay married man who is locked away in his closet – not interested in venturing far from it’s dark comforts.

He has a laptop computer that is running kind of slow. His daughter made a comment about it being slow. She uses it and so does his wife. He was curious about what would make the machine run slow…and he was shocked when I explained about how computers record and store image files from every web site you visit. He was also amazed when I told him that computers also record every IM session and email you read and write. One doesn’t know about this unless one knows where to look.

His face literally blanched.

Should his wife or daughter find out about all the extracurricular activities he takes part in, he would be ruined. He asked for my advice…and so I shared with him some of what I’ve learned over the years about cleaning out incriminating stuff….and giving your computer a tuneup.

Hopefully this will give him some piece of mind.

Have You Watched "As The World Turns" Lately?

Ok....I don't generally watch soap operas and "As The World Turns" is the nation's oldest soap. For goodness sakes...it's been on TV for 50 years.....and then it was on radio longer than that! I remember my grandmother watching that program for goodness sake.

Well, right now it has an interesting story arc.... A young member of one of the three main families is gay....and he has been developing a crush all summer long with another apparently "straight" young man named Noah. Last Friday they had a long passionate embrace......and kissed! It's been reported all over the media.

Now, according to the actors portraying these characters, the story line is going to start speeding up.... So, if you have time on your hands....or you're curious at how they have now jumped into the gay world on the nation's oldest soap, by all means, tune in.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd live to see a same sex kiss on a daytime drama....sponsored by tried and true Proctor and Gamble.

WHEW!

After all, this is the 21st century.

To catch up on what's been going on in this storyline, got to YOU TUBE and do a search of Luke and Noah. You can also view full episodes of the soap on its Web Site!

To All of My Readers

A number of you have asked how I'm doing. Let me assure you that today I seem to have bounced back to something proximating normal. I was at work today and was so busy, I hardlly had a moment to look up. Just the kind of day I enjoy having.

I also have heard from a very special friend -- a fellow blogger named BIGG. (Please hit the link in my links section to MY CONFESSIONS.) He's a fellow traveler that is undergoing treatment for an aggressive form of cancer. I think of him very often. In a lot of ways, his journey somewhat mirrors mine. Please take a moment and go to his site....and read the entries and send him a note of encouragement.

I'm sure he would appreciate a kind word, your prayers and thoughts as he goes through chemo.

Bigg reads this blog all the time......so I just want to say to him, "We love you....and are thinking about you. Here's a BIG HUG."

Sometimes I become so self absorbed with my own day-to-day dramas, that I sometimes forget about others. Does this make me a narcissist? I pray not. If it comes across that way, I apologize to all of you, because this plainly isn't me. I spend a lot of time in prayer and thought about a lot of you.....and especially Bigg.

It is my prayer that Bigg recovers quickly from this trial......and that he is able to live a happy and fulfilled life.

Onto another thought....

It has now been two weeks since I went on the retreat. I just can't believe the impact those few days has had upon my spiritual journey. I am praying that God will open the correct doors.....and tht I will be sensitive to them when they swing open. You see, I feel that God is nudging me into ministry.

When I think about this, I shudder, because I really don't want to be anything like LOVEY. She has been obsessed with her ministry. I don't want to be that way. I want so much for it to be a healthy part of my life. But I'm clueless as to how I should begin. I can't afford to go to school at the moment. I need for God to really work out the financial end of things.....and to open the correct doors.

This past Sunday, I spoke to my pastor about all this. She is will to pray for me...and to share how MCC handles ministerial "seekers."

I am such a crybaby....I cried as I talked to her about needing to speak in depth with her. I'm tearing up now as I think about all this. It's going to be such a big step for me.

But, one thing I need to remember: ministry can take on many forms. It doesn't have to be ordination/pastoral/Sunday Sermonlike. God can open up many avenues of ministry. I just need to wait for him to open the right doors.

I suppose one of the things I learned not to do from Lovey is that she would not necessarily wait for the doors to open. She'd go from door to door and wrattle the knob and twisting them.....and even kicking some of the doors down. But you could never tell Lovey to wait upon the Lord. She always had to do things her way....NOW.

Another thing I've noticed about myself.....since going through the divorce thing.....and finding the MCC church...... I've got a tremendous love for people. It is powerful.....it is strong.....it is deep...... I never want to come across as phony or shallow. What I feel in my heart towards others.....especially other gay men who have travelled my road.........is especially powerful. I want so much to be a blessing to them. I also want to be a blessing to regular folks off the street. I want to live in the light of God's love.....and when people come into my presence, I want them to feel the love of God.

This is quite a long way from my being the shy and backward person I used to be.

We'll see what happens.

Stay tuned.

Not A Good Day

This morning I felt awful.

Although physically I think I'm rebounding. The physical malady...whatever it was.....has also messed with me emotionally. That's the nature of diabetes. It messes with everything.....and right now...given the way I feel, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to go on insulin very soon.

It just makes sense.

I want to feel like I used to. It seems so very long ago that I felt decent.

I hate days like this.....when I don't feel well.....and it is dark and dreary outside....light rain is falling. It is downright chilly outside. I'm here with the dog. He's kind of subdued himself.

It's just one of those days.

Spoke with my daughter in El Salvador twice today. She seems very happy....she got her three boxes of stuff that I and her mom sent her. They arrived today. It probably feels like Christmas!

I just need to make one foot go ahead of the other......and to breathe......and to think positively.

This too shall pass.

Things Remembered

It's late and I am tired.

Davy Dawg is also tired.

I had him groomed today and he looks beautiful. His hair is all clipped short....his feet have been trimmed.....his nails have been properly trimmed.....and he smells pretty. Thank goodness.

Today has been unusually busy as I try and get a multitude of things done. However, somewhere around lunchtime it all came flooding back. From nowhere....but yet it came back. It's amazing. It seems like only yesterday. But now it's been three whole years.

Amazing.

So much has changed.

Let's go back in time to August 19, 2004. Dad O'Lovey was recovering at home from his sepsis episode. He had a heart murmur and had never medicated before he had dental work done. In November 2003 he had a routine cleaning. By January he had a massive bout of sepsis. It then attacked his heart valve. He suffered a couple of heart attacks....he went blind in one eye.....and the year 2005 began his long good bye.

August 19, 2004 was he and Mom O'Lovey's 50th Wedding Anniversary. She had made all kinds of plans for the 50th Anniversary. The daughters had made plans to cart him to one of their palaces so they could have a big celebration. Due to his weekened state, the scheduled the party for September 11.

I remember telling Lovey that I had a feeling that for him to make it to September 11 would be a long life for him. Why wouldn't they just celebrate it at his house so that if he tired he could go back to his room....to his bed.....to rest.

Nope.

In that family it's basically what everyone else wants......to heck with anyone else.

So on August 19, 2004, all of us gathered around the table at the O'Lovey's to toast them as they celebrated 50 years. We had steak, baked potatos, and a dessert of some sort. We ate and talked and laughed. The each of us got up and toasted them and pronounced special sishes to them both.

Then, Dad said he loved all of us. But that he had to go to bed. He was tired. It had been a very long day.

He went to his room. Mom helped him to get dressed for bed. He laid down.....

He never woke up.

He died in the wee hours of the morning. All the familly gathered in his bedroom as word spread. The mortuary could not pick him up for several hours. So, there he lay. And all of us said our goodbyes as best we could.

As it turned out, he was cremated. A memorial service was held on September 11. The party at the palace went on.

The only person not present was Dad O'Lovey.

He died three years ago today.

Here I am....a divorced man...living alone. Thinking about him.

He's gone....and the familly have him buried in the church cemetery. Still he has no marker of any kind.

So sad.

Will I Ever Be Happy? Truly Happy?

It is now in the wee hours of Sunday Morning. My company has left. In all I had 9 gay men here at my home tonight. We listened to music. We laughed. We played games.

And now they have gone their respective ways.

The clock in the hallway is striking 12 midnight.

Here I sit in the quiet of my home with my dog.

And I'm lonely.

I shouldn't be....I mean, I have my kids....my parents....my dog....my friends.....and I have made a set of new friends just tonight. They are a gay couple who have been together for many years....and they don't live far from me as it turns out. It was so good to just be with them and the other gay couples I have known that were here.

I find myself wondering about what it might be like to have someone in my life 24/7. Namely, what it would be like to have a man in my life.

While it is somewhat exciting to think about, I also find that the prospect of having another relationship.....even though it would be a male one, frightens me. I wonder, would I have the same problems and issues in that relationship that I had with my wife? Would we have the same communications issues? Would I be happy? Truly happy?

At times I think I have totally lost the ability to be happy. I lost that years ago.

I can't remember when or how.

All I know is that I turned around one day and I was sad....my happiness had vanished. I remember those times in my life.....when it seemed that I was always happy. It was boring at times.

But I just want to get back there again.

I'm just so insecure about things in my life. I am so easily spooked.

I'm sensitive. I don't like change.

I just want so badly to be happy....and move forward rather than sitting and fretting about the past.....or being afraid of the future.

Will I ever be happy with myself...with my life.....with my situation? Truly happy?

It's Very Early Saturday Morning

My last guest for the movie night has left.

We had a great time, as we always do. We devoured two full pizzas....soda...beer.....and it was just nice being in the presence of other gay men. Even though I'm feeling just a tad lonely at the moment. It should all pass in a little while.

That's the one thing that I reallly have to work on in terms of adjustment. I tend to really, really look forward to these times of socialization....but then when it's all over....and I've gone back to my house.....it does become a bit lonely.

I long for human interaction.

I suppose that's normal.....especially once yo've been used to having people in your life for over 25 years. There is a certain period of adjustment that needs to happen. I guess I'm not fully over that.

Tomorrow evening should be really fun with the guys from church.

A Real Butterfly!

I’m turning into quite the social butterfly!

Tonight I host movie night with my men’s group. We’re going to have pizza and soda. They normally bring beer and such if they are so inclined. But, it’s a time where we can all relax and just enjoy being in each other’s presence.

I’m pleasantly amazed at just how well this has taken off. I began this back in November and it has been a success ever since. So, I plan to keep doing this for however long the interest is there.

Tomorrow night, the nine of the men from my church are meeting at a nearby restaurant at 7:30 p.m. to share time together. Then, when we are done, we’re all headed to my house to play a game of BALDERDASH.

Sunday morning is church and I will be serving Communion. This is followed by lunch with “The Lunch Bunch.” Sunday evening I’m headed out to the movies with one of my pals from church.

It’s so hard to believe, but it wasn’t so long ago that I didn’t have this much of a social whirl….this many friends that I could say were mine……or that I dared to invite people into my house. As I said before, it was such a wreck…I couldn’t host any company.

So, I have to admit…I think divorce is beginning to agree with me.

I’m starting to have fun!

What Would YOU Do?

At the retreat, I had a discussion with a friend of mine about falling in love.

“What do I do,” I asked, “When I have strong feelings for someone in the church?”

Immediately my friend began asking if it’s so-and-so. Or if it’s this person….or that person – not parts of the conversation I wanted to get into. I avoided him and only responded by saying, “I’m not going to tell you.” Another name was mentioned. This was of a person I definitely am not interested in and I smiled and said, “I can honestly tell you, it isn’t him!” More names were mentioned.

“I’m not going to tell you!”

All I wanted to know was if I should tell the person or secretly pine.

After all that….I decided to secretly pine. This man is not going to know how I feel unless the circumstances drastically change.

The man that I am speaking of is someone I’ve had my eye on from the first moment I went to MCC over a year ago! Something about him just clicked a chord inside of me. And, all I can say is WOW!

At church I watch him discreetly…. Last summer I saw him out and about in DC, but I didn’t approach him. He didn’t know me at all then. At least this year he knows my name – I think!

When he’s around, or in close proximity to me, I’m just jello and I’m sure if I approached him to talk, I’d get all tongue tied.

A part of me wants to just run up and say…..”Hi! You make my knees knock! Wanna go on a date?”

But then, another part says, “Aw….he’s too busy to pay any attention to YOU! He’s probably another one of these men who can’t be friends with folks that aren’t attractive to them. You’ll just get hurt and rejected…and it will make any friendship “weird.”

So, given the experience I had last week…I just don’t risk it. I keep hoping for a miracle and that maybe one day he’ll strike up a conversation with me….and know that I’m available……and hoping….and waiting.

As I said yesterday, I’m just tired of always making the first move. Maybe he’ll decide to say something to me…..or ask me out. That would be great!

What would you do?

Drama!

Just as things begin to settle down in my life….and my only problem is wondering if I will have a full-fledged, fulltime boyfriend, another drama unfolds that make all these little things in my life pale in comparison.

I received a panicky telephone call from a gay friend of mine yesterday. He’s married and has a grown daughter who is a newlywed.

Yesterday morning, before dawn, the newlyweds were awakened by law enforcement banging on their front door. They seized the husband’s computer because of suspicion of dealing with child porn! They also did a search of his home office.

It left husband and wife badly shaken.

My friend is very upset.

Supposedly this all stems from a job that the husband had applied for about six months ago. During a polygraph examination, he was asked if he had ever viewed child porn, and he answered that he had while in college…3 or 4 years ago. Now, six months later, law enforcement seize his home computer?

Something is not adding up.

Regardless, if this happens to be the computer he viewed that stuff on in college (and it is his college machine), and the forensics people find those images on his hard drive, me thinks he’s toast!

I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that there is more to this story. We should know something in a week to 10 days.

This couple is also expecting their first child in February.

This is scary stuff.

Meanwhile, back at my house, things are still peaceful. I guess I feel a little bit guilty since I don’t have much to whine about this morning.

I’m going to be quite busy this weekend. My gay married men’s group is coming over for the monthly “Movie/Pizza Night” on Friday night. Then, on Saturday night, a group of my men friends from church is meeting for dinner at a nearby restaurant, and then coming back to my house for some board games. Sunday is church, and I get to serve communion followed by lunch with another group of pals from church.

I really am blessed to have all these people in my life. I have a tremendous love for them all. I enjoy being with them.

All of these outlets are helping me to get back onto my feet. I’m developing close, affectionate and healthy friendships with other men.

It’s great to feel a part of a warm and loving group!

A Painful Lesson Learned

My life continues to settle down.

I’m nearing the 3-month point since my divorce was finalized. I’m not feeling as sorry for myself…life is starting to be good. I’m developing a very nice social network with tons of new friends, and the feelings of brokenness and inadequacy are starting to fade. I’m also feeling pretty self-sufficient now and self-confident.

This past week has taught me a few lessons. Right now I am kind of tired of the viciousness and coldness of gay life I have seen of late. I’ve posted a few ads online to meet people. One ad in particular was looking for a special man. A guy responded and we began chatting. We seemed to click and had some really good IM conversations and telephone conversations. We even spoke of friendship if other things didn’t work out.

We made plans to have dinner after I returned from the retreat. However, both of us were eager to meet before then…and we scheduled a time to meet at a coffee shop after work. We met….and things seemed to go nicely.

We visited for over an hour.

We parted ways.

Upon my return to town on Sunday I had an email waiting for me. He went on about not being attracted to me….therefore we would not be going to dinner.

So I guess my “friend” only has friends he’s attracted to…

To me, this shows how shallow the gay life can be. I mean, to cancel dinner plans just because you don’t want to “jump his bones” right there amongst burritos and the taco shells!

C’mon.

AND…

No one asked if I was attracted to my friend or not! (Really, I wasn’t.) But I never rule out a potential friendship…regardless of the attraction. However, my friend does…so the situation is now moot.

I’ve learned a great deal from all this. Yes, it hurt. But I will not be a victim here. I’ve learned so much in fact that I’ve decided not to pursue relationships for a while. I’m tired of making the first move only to be chewed up and spat out.

I know that I have a lot to offer the right man. I’m an excellent catch. I’m willing to be caught. I’m just tired of trying so hard.

What Am I Going To Do?

I meditated on many things while I was away on my retreat.

It’s something that you’re supposed to do as you try to use the time to center yourself on God. The interesting thing about retreats is that you’re so far removed from normal civilization, there just isn’t a lot more left to do other than meditation and prayer and Bible study.

This retreat center was in the midst of nowhere. At night when the lights went out, it was pitch black.

Totally.

So, during my many moments of solitude and quiet, I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit. I think I am now being encouraged to pursue the ministry.

Of all things.

Due to my background, I find this prospect frightening.

Will it cause me to go off the deep end like Lovey?

Will I get all my priorites mangled….and not remember my kids and other loved ones?

Life with Lovey has shown me all the things not to do. At least I’m alone now. I don’t have my family under foot. I have no significant other living with me….other than the dog.

I don’t know where to start….or what to do. At this point in time I cannot go back to school because of time and finances. At this moment, I feel I need to wait. I don’t know for how long.

But I’m so impatient.

I want things to get going immediately – time’s a wastin’.

It all scares me.

Making these life changing decisions scares me.

Being alone scares me.

Still I wait.

Monagamy In Gay Relationships

While at the retreat, I had an opportunity to discuss a topic that had been on my mind for a while.

Is there such a thing as monogamy in gay relationships?

Many gay men say they are monogamous, but it has appeared that monogamy has different meanings for different people.

So we talked about it at the retreat. There are a number of such couples in my church. When I could get them alone, I asked them...what does monogamy mean to you?

Perhaps I'm actually Pollyanna, but one day I would like to be in a relationship where I have a one and only. By this I mean ONE and ONLY. But I wondered if this ever happens in gay relationships. AND...if I'm just being weird.

Every gay male couple at the retreat I talked with assured me that their view of monogamy was "You can look.....but don't touch." This means no extracurricular physical activity. Period. End of discussion.

They also assured me that they had many couples in their spheres of influence that view monogamy in the same way.

So I supppose I'm not so far off base.

Will it happen for me?

Only time will tell...

A Blessed Spiritual Retreat

In my spiritual life, retreats are a normal part of the landscape.

However, I've done my best to avoid them. Primarily because it has simply taken too much energy to hid the gay thing from the other straight men in attendance, and I have just never gotten very comfortable in such settings.

I didn't think it was for me.

It was just too emotionally draining.

But because I am at a new place in my walk.....and a new place in who I am....and slowly becoming increasingly comfortable with my gayness, I decided to go to the church retreat sponsored by my congregation.

I am so glad that I went.

I was surrounded by people like me....gay men.....gay women.......and a few straight people just to make it a little interesting! I was with these people for most of the day on Friday, all day Saturday, late Satuday night, and a majority of the day today.

What a time I had!

I spent much time in contemplation. I think I prayed more over the weekend than I have in a very long time.

I experienced quite a range of emotions.....and shed many tears over many things in my life. The things I have lost.......the things I have presently.........the things I thought I had.....the future.

Ah yes, the Future!

I wept over that.

Why?

Because I'm a bit fearful of the unknown.

I've made it through the longest period of sadness.....loss....and spiritual dryness that I have ever experienced in all my life.

But now what?

Yesterday morning I arose early. I dressed and took my camera and hiked down to the Rapidan River to take some pictures as the world awakened to a new day. It was so peaceful as I hiked the quarter mile or so to the river. The path traveled through the thick forest downhille, through thickets and meadows, beside flowers and weeds and bushes....all covered with a heavy morning dew.

But there I was, and finally I reached the place where the river rolled over some shallow areas covered with rocks. It practically sang as the water gentle rolled over the shallow areas. It gurgled and bubbled.

How peaceful! Only the sounds of the birds.....the river.....and a slight breeze blowing through the leaves.

I thanked God for such a wonderful gift! I turned and began my journey back to the retreat area. As I ascended through the meadow and thickets, I entered the thick forest once more. It was a dark forest, shieldedd from the morning sun. It felt like I was going through a train tunnel. As I passed through the forest, I looked ahead and saw the end of it. The sun was gloriously streaming through the trees, ad they began to thin out.... The sunlight was casting a beautiful light upon my path...in essence directing my footsteps.

I had to take pictures of this moment.

So that I could remember it.

It was as if God was telling me that this was a symbol of my life. I have been traveling through the thick forest of sadness and gloom and doubt. But now is my time to dance in the sunlight....and to enjoy the blessings of God for a change. He is directing my path.

So I snapped the enclosed picture.

It's a symbol of my life.....I'm moving into a much better season of my life.

Seeking Direction

Okay everyone.

By now you know that I am a person of faith. It is very important to me and in the final years of my marriage it felt as though I was traveling in a vast, dark and dry wilderness. Only in February of this year did I stumble upon an oasis -- my church and I'm working to regain my spiritual footing.

As part of this journey and for the next three days I'm going to be out of touch and won't be able to write any entries. This is because I am headed to Madison, Virginia to a religious retreat sponsored by my church. I'm really looking forward to getting there and just spending some time in reflection.

This will have been the first time that I have spent time for just me -- without interruption or interference -- but my time. I hope to receive some direction on the path I should take.

It has been a very long and painful journey. At times I have been tempted to just throw in the towel and say I can't do this any longer, but still, here I am taking one step at a time.

These past few days I've experienced really high highs........and some very low lows. Still I continue.

It has been at least 7 years since I could say I was really happy.

Am I happy now?

There are times when I can say yes. But there are periods of time where I'm not happy...but I think I'm in the valley of doubt and dread....and indecision. Living the gay life isn't easy. While the gay community can be open and affirming, it can also be closed and exclusive -- unless of course you meet specific physical characteristics including porn star quality good looks and even though age is just a number, it's a powerful one that can undermine even your best efforts.

But I am determined that no matter how much I'm hurt by "the community," I refuse to change how I am.

I told someone yeterday that what you see is what you get: I refuse to be anything but me. I can be timid......I can be shy.......and I can be a tiger......I can be transparent.......I can be painfully honest......all very small parts of the whole that is Frank.

Sometimes I'm just not sure how it all plays with new people I meet. After such a meeting I find myself second guessing myself and wondering.....did I say too much......did I not say enough.......am I a jerk......did I babble.....did I come on too strong....or was I not strong enough.

And it drives me nuts....because I'm never sure what the other person is thinking. In the gay world it can be especially brutal.

So, I'm navigating uncharted waters with a leaky boat. It makes the journey exciting and scary -- all wrapped up in one package.

Hopefully, this retreat will give me the opportunity to center myself, to help me find direction and to open my eyes to the possibilities that lie ahead.

If you are a person of faith, please remember me in your prayers.

I really need them.

Time Moves On

I learned just a little while ago that another one of my cousins passed away. His name was James and he was one of my grandparents' first grandchildren. He was in his mid-60s and he was found dead yesterday.

Sadly this is another example of a relative who had made some very bad choices over the course of his life. He lived hard. He drank heavily and the drinking took a heavy toll on his body.

He also struck me as one of those underachievers who just floated along life's road without direction -- without goals and he spent the majority of his life without a job. So, it was a very sad case.

As I have explained in numerous entries, since I grew up as an only child, all my cousins were like brothers and sisters to me. Because James was so much older though, I did not get the opportunity to spend much time with him, or to get to know him very well. What I knew of his life came to me from other sources.

So, sadly, I have now lost a number of these individuals. This is the third one I've lost since keeping this blog.

Time moves on...

Good Morning Everyone!

This has been a very busy week, and I apologize for not writing something a bit sooner. To be honest, I've been suffering a little "blogger's block" and haven't known anything to write about.

The same characters are still very much at work in my life -- whether I want some of them there or not.

A curious thing happened at Mom O'Lovey's house earlier this week when I dropped in on Monday evening. I wanted to see how the Alzheimer's Aunt was. They ushered me in graciously and warmly. It was nine o'clock and Mom was rustling around in her kitchen to get dinner ready. She was growsing because of the fact the Lovey's sister and the dentist were supposed to join them for dinner hours before, and they hadn't been heard or seen.

I made no comment, but found it odd that the sister and the dentist were together....but then I'm not surprised.

Some history:

Each of Lovey's three sisters have been married before and are currently enjoying husbands number two. Lovey, as you can see, is a bit behind her sisters, but will one day catch up!

When my mother met Lovey's mother for the first time years ago, Lovey's mother told mom that this particular sister of Lovey's "just couldn't say no" -- if you get my drift. Through the years I have seen this behavior, and although she is a very fundamentalist Christian, she has not had any problems "sharing the love", if you follow.

A few months ago, my daughter #1 made mention of the fact that this sister really ....and I do mean REALLY liked the dentist. As a matter of fact we were all concerned about the fact that the dentist may have set his sights on Lovey...and were wondering how this sister would react to it all.

As it turns out, Lovey isn't interested and was never interested in the good doctor. However, her sister lives in her palace alone because her husband works in Boston. Quite a commute! As such, he doesn't come home but on weekends. This, of course, leaves the sister with some time on her hands.

Her and her husband have had some very rocky times....they've been married for about 8 years. It's his first marriage and her second. He's younger than her...she's my age (49).

So, it looks like some drama is a brewing....

In the meantime, I am coasting along...making new friends here and there.

Friday afternoon I leave for the church retreat and will have no internet or cell phone access.

I'm looking forward to this adventure and the time to focus on receiving some direction as to what to do with the rest of my life.

God hasn't forgotten about me.

Quiet Saturday

Today I write this from my hometown of Huntington, West Virginia.

Brokeback and I drove here yesterday to spend this weekend with my parents and help them celebrate their 53rd Wedding Anniversary.

It is so good to be here and to relaxe because it has been a very busy week.

And I do mean a VERY BUSY week.

The office has been...simply put...a zoo -- nostop activity including some drama. My staff, while the majority of the time are quite professional and on top of things, has been quite juvenile and immature. Petty arguments have erupted for no reason...people not speaking to each other. It's just one of the perils of being in management -- government management.

Late in the week we found that we had been approved to take government time and resources to have an offsite team building exercise. We're taking a cruise down the Potomac River to Mt. Vernon. While on the boat, we'll be giving out awards to the staff in recognition of their many contributions and efforts.

It seemed like an uphill battle at one point to get to do this. But in the end, saner heads prevailed and realized that we have never done such an activity. It was believed that it was now time to do something to help curb the stress and strain and juvenile outbursts that have been on the increase lately.

On Wednesday morning I got a telephone call from Mom O'Lovey explaining that she was having a dinner party on Saturday (today). She was wondering if I would come over and help her shampoo her rugs. when they threw the big wedding reception bash for my niece early on in the summer, her carpet had been terribly stained.

Well, since I'm a nice guy, I decided to help. I took my trust shampooer....all the shampoo and stain removers, and showed up at her house. My shampooer is a good one that heats the water and the cleaner and does a great job. I began my work...only to take a few moments to eat and to drink something cold. In the space of about two hours, I had cleaned the dining room carpet...it looked brand new..... The original knap of the rug was in place.....traffic patterns had been erased and those nasty stains from Lovey's cat....and Mom O'Lovey's deceased cat had disappeared.

Since I was feeling rather invigorated, I had heard Mom mention that her den and guest room had also been initiated by Lovey's cat. So I moved back there and cleaned away all evidence of that pesky cat!

As I left, Mom presented me with a check for $50 for my good deed. With alimony being so expensive, I gladly received it.

Friday, Brokeback and I headed to WV to visit my parents this weekend. It's good for Brokeback to have some time away from his stressful job and family lives. Although we only get one full day here...today....we will return tomorrow afternoon to the hustle and bustle of DC. Thankfully I have Monday off to recover from this whirlwind trip.

Mom is still bothered by Lovey...and I've just been allowing her to vent. But I have told her that we just need to let it all go because the divorce is now OVER. It is time to begin a new and happier life.

Each day does seem to get a little bit better.

I'm seeing more and more of my old self....my old personality.....

It just keeps getting better.

Next weekend I go to my first religious retreat as a single gay man. It is sponsored by my church...and I'm looking for the time away. There is no internet availability and no cell phone service.

My only wish is that Brokeback could go with me there.

I must say that on this trip Brokeback and I don't seem to have lost any of the basic chemistry that brought us together in the first place. This is the first trip he and I have taken in a very long time...and I love it. No disagreements....no cross words.....no fights....no anger....no hidden agendas....no hositlity....no manipulation.

Just the joy of two guys who love each other dearly spending time together...

Really, that's not a lot to ask or wish for...

Is it?