It Finally Surfaces

This has been a long and painful process.

Those of you who have read my blog from the beginning have seen the mountain highs and the subway train, parking level p27 lows. Now that things are over from a legal standpoint, thoughts are beginning to surface. They are bringing all the loose ends together...sort of like the season finale of one of those nighttime dramas that leave after a few years of popularity, with great fanfare.

(Probably the best series finale I have ever seen is "Six Feet Under." The worst is "The Sopranos.")

I received a backchannel email from one of those mystery readers I have posted about in the past few days under WHO ARE YOU? (I'm still looking for more responses...so get your computers warmed up....and get those fingers flying across the keyboard!) This one was an extra special post from an affected wife that uses this blog as a model of how NOT to be. Should I write Lovey and tell her that she is being used as a model of how NOT to be? Her narcissistic personality would love that anyway! LOL

She's supportive of her husband.

They have negotiated a path that works for them.

I applaud HER.....I say BRAVO to them both! I am 1000% sure that her husband loves her all the more for her willingness to work with him on all this stuff.

In my response to her I realize that there is still a lot of things I'm dealing with deep inside me. I have a lot of hurt.....a lot of anger......some bitterness......and now as I embark on this new life as a single gay man, I am afraid.

Yes, after all the drama and tears, there is one thing that I am afraid of! Big time!

The fear of growing old and being ALONE!

Oh, I know that I'll have my children.....and my grandchildren....all of whom I will love deeply with all my heart. After all this is who Frank is. Frank is a good guy....and a loving guy.....and not too ugly.

But I have to acknowledge the fact that Frank is now 49. Frank has some wear and tear around the edges. Frank's hair is beginning to go....it's graying rather fast.....the goatee is VERY gray. And, the other night, as I was getting ready for bed....I had some gray hair on my chest and in my nether regions. Horrors!

The gay community can be a vicious place. If you're not just over 20.....a gym bunny........and possess pornstar quality looks.....I think the parade is over.

Right now I'm still getting over that relationship with Lovey. I'm probably "on the rebound" and wouldn't make good partner material....at least not until I work through some of my issues.

After all that dust settles, do you suppose someone will find Frank attractive? Will someone that Frank finds attractive want Frank? Aw....sex is relatively easy to get. Every gay man on the planet wants that. In the words of my mother (slightly adapted for this discussion of course), gay men would screw a black snake if it held still long enough!

Do you suppose I'll ever find another gay man that, for a change, will put me first for a change. I'm so tired of being treated as leftovers. Is there a gay guy on planet earth who isn't moving from conquest to conquest to conquest? Is there anyone out there who would be satisfied with one true partner to make a journey through life?

Yes, Frank is afraid of growing old alone.