It's Bad -- REAL Bad!

I found out on Friday that the doctor's have told my mother that she has bone cancer, lung cancer and also cancer in the lymph nodes.

When I heard all this, I was numb.

I don't know if this is from the colon cancer escapade from two years ago or not. All I know is that my beautiful mother is in the hospital, facing all this.....and there is absolutely nothing that I can do.

I'm the kind of guy that feels like I have to fix all the world's problems. It's the nurturing instiinct within me at work I suppose. I've always wanted to take away everyone's boo-boos and make them all better.

But this one I can't begin to touch.

Tomorrow the doctors are going to fill us in on treatment options, information as to the rate of infection, and what the prognosis is. Then we will have a better idea of what we are up against.

God, I hate this.

Now, I don't mean this to sound "Woe Is Me," but there is something I have to say for the record.

Since I was a little boy of about 6, I have always been afraid that my parents were going to die and leave me alone -- TOTALLY. As I grew older, this feeling faded.....and when I was married to Lovey, I thought she would be with me through times when I faced my parents' mortality.

In 2004 I spent a lot of time helping her go through her dad's illness and his subsequent long goodbye. I held her at night.....I let her cry on my chest....I served as her sounding board about when she needed to vent.... It was a very long seven months. In the back of my mind, that old familiar fear of being alone when my parents got sick came into my mind.

It has hung there ever since.

AND, here I am.

ALONE.

I have no one to sit and talk to...to serve as my sounding board or to help me plan for the future.

I have no one to wrap their arms around me and let me sob in their chest.

I have no one to hold me at night.

It is scary....it's lonely......and it's all so very strange.

What am I going to do?

A Wind of Uneasiness

I've been keeping in close contact with my mother and yesterday she dropped a new bombshell on me: they've found a spot on one of her lungs...and also enlarged lymph nodes.... They did biopsies of all those and we're now awaiting the results.

I feel guilty that I'm not there.

But I've been involved in some very critical meetings here at the office. On top of that, I have my daughter Laura coming to town on Monday because she is giving her first major concert at a local university on Wednesday evening. Mother wants me to videotape that.

So, I feel quite stuck! VERY stuck!

Plus I'm scared.

And, as an only child...I feel quite alone in dealing with this.

It's all very scary.

Gosh, it's one drama on to the next isn't it?

Life Goes On

Mother had her hip totally replaced yesterday afternoon. She was awake for the entire procedure. She says that the sounds will be with her forever.

"It sounded like they were building a house!" she said.

They are now working to get her ambulatory.

All looks well.

So far, no more about the C word. The doctors are pretty confident that it is not involved.

Thank God!

When I talked with Mother this morning, she sounded so chipper and happy...and alert. I haven't heard her this way in quite a while.

I'm so blessed.

These are the most important things....

A VERY Emotional Day

Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions.

At 6:30 a.m. I received a call from my mother. She was scheduled to visit the physical therapist because of some problems she had been having with her left leg.

She called me early to say that she couldn't walk and that they were calling an ambulance to take her to the hospital for treatment. When the technicians arrived at my parents' home, they took mom's blood pressure and found it to be 200/180! They got her to the emergency room and over the course of the day, they found that she had broken her hip.

There's been no sign of trauma. She hasn't fallen. Nothing like that. The radiologist said that something like this only happens if there is an underlying problem like bone cancer.

I was devestated but carried on...numb. They did a thorough evaluation of the CT Scan and determined that there is no sign of cancer, but they're going to do further tests to find out what caused the break. She is going to require surgery so they can install pins to help get the hip repaired. All this will happen in the next few days.

So as you can imagine, it wasn't a good day yesterday.

It's Probably The Answer

I spent the entire day trying to get some stuff done. The majority of all this was running errands and talking to one of my dear friends on the phone who has been going through a rather bad time. We also discussed my love life....or better described the lack thereof.... I told him that I hadn't heard from Mr. Office since Wednesday.

"Why don't you call him?" my friend asked.

"Well, I don't want to be too forward....because if I were to bring up my feelings or go into it, I know that I would screw things up...including the residual friendship that I hope to have with him, if things don't work out the way I have hoped they would."

"Honey, you aren't gonna lose a thing by just calling. You're letting him know that you're still here....and that you've cared enough to call. CALL HIM!"

So, I reluctantly agreed.

I hung up....and called Mr. Office.

He answered...and sounded glad to hear from me. But it was all rather perfunctory. Nothing to get all worked up about. Nothing to confirm that he does like me in "that" way. We ended the call by his saying, "I'll see you at the office next week."

"Yeah, I'll be there I said," all cheerily.

But inside I felt awful.

Saturday Morning

It's very early, at least for me on a Saturday morning. I have an appointment with the podiatrist to figure out what those lumps are on the bottom of my feet. They are very tender and make my feet sore when I first wake up in the morning. Oh, the joys of being a middle aged diabetic.

Still no word from Mr. Office. So, I'm just letting that go.

Last night I went to an open air concert to hear one of the military choruses that circulate here within the metro area throughout the year. Right in the middle they had to close the concert because of rain. It sort of fit my mood last night. Today I am some better...but I've got a long way to go.

My daughter Laura, from Nashville, arrives one week from Monday because she has been asked to perform a concert at one of the universities here. It's an exciting opportunity, plus they will be paying her rather well to do do it.

Well, it's time to get started on my day. Who knows what adventures lurk?

Feeling A Bit "Blue"

Well, I have had a busy day here at the office, but sadly now as the weekend begins, I'm finding myself in a "blue" place.

Not sure why this is or why it should be.

But here I am.

I miss my kids.....I miss my parents. I miss my old life.

It's a bummer.

On the personal front...no word from Mr. Office in two days now. It's pretty evident from that that if he were really all interested in me, he would have at least sent me an email....or a call....or something.

But NOTHING.

Potential mates are definitely not lining up at my door!

So, I guess this is the reason for my sadness....my profound sadness.

On a Friday night in late summer.....

Nothing to do.

No one to see.

Friday Is Here!

It's the end of yet another week! Thank goodness.

Tomorrow I'm headed to visit the podiatrist for a diabetic foot evaluation. I've had some lumps on the sole of my feet for a little while and those suckers are quite painful. Hopefully tomorrow we will find out what they are and how we can make them go away.

Things were relatively quiet last night. I spent several hours on the telephone talking to some new gay friends I've made. It's interesting to hear all their stories. Different, yet all the same.

The last I saw of Mr. Office was on Wednesday. I've been purposely keeping a very low profile to just see what he does.

Will he contact me?

Will he even miss not communicating with me?

I just don't know.

I told all the gorey details to one of my friends last night... All they said was that they were glad they weren't in my situation. They wouldn't know what to do either.

I'm so tired of the mixed signals.

But...I'm just going to continue as I am doing.

Being kind, friendly, gentle....and most of all.....being available -- just to the point of seeing if he makes any move in my direction.

My guess is that it ain't gonna happen.

Some Things to Ponder

Hmmm….

I’ve spent quite a bit of time with Mr. Office this week…some planned and some unplanned visits. At all times, and as usual, the mixed signals are flying everywhere! But I’m still being me….and noncommittal and I'm watching him and seeing how he reacts to various situations.

I’ve not done anything stupid.

I’ve not made any grand declarations or pronouncements.

Aw, he is someone so perfect for me…...I think...but I’m just in no mood to pursue him. It is my firm belief that if he were really all that interested in me, he would be making some overtures. I've made a deal with myself that I really want a guy who will pursue me for once.

But he hasn’t. He could be old fashioned...and is just taking things slow. Or...he could be just plain old not interested.

Oh, he has made some interesting omments along the way….and when we’re together he always make sure that he is in very close proximity to me. I heard him tell someone on Monday that “Frank is a real sweetheart.” He's called me "honey"....and he loves to hug. I could stay forever wrapped up in one of those.

And he has made some very noncommittal expressions of affection.

But, before you run away with that concept, please note they are all nothing to get worked up over. I’ve given the same tokens of affection to my dog: a pat here…..a stroke there………or a kiss on the snout.

On the flip side though he’s also made remarks that have concerned me just a little. So, if he were to make the first move, I’d have to ask him about them and have him declare what his true motives are.

I would want a relationship to start because of genuine feelings. Not from feelings of desperation or deception.

Hmmmm.

More Mixed Signals from Mr. Office...

Spent the morning with Mr. Office.

Gosh it was good just getting away with him. We talked about everything under the sun...and he said that he enjoyed my company.

When we reached our hiking spot, he and I wound up in a very secluded and isolated path. We took our time and I kept thinking how neat it would be to give him a meaningful kiss right there in the woods. But I didn't.

At one point, he invaded my personal space......and came in super close as if he were going to kiss me. I found that my lips were actually quivering.....but he didn't. He kept talking....about various things.

He kept saying various double entendres....and we'd chuckle.

We finally made it back to the car.....and I drove him back to my place to pick up his car.

He came inside briefly....and when he was ready to leave, he smiled.....looked deeply into my eyes.......and gave me a big hug. Then he held on.

I couldn't stand it any longer and I kissed the side of his cheek and I told him that he was "special."

With that he was gone.

I don't know what to think of all this.

ICKY POO!

This evening has been a bust. Everyone I have turned to do something with has been unavailable. So, I wound up taking myself to dinner....and then I went to see the new Emma Thompson flick, "Brideshead Revisited".

While sitting at dinner, I looked around the eatery and noted how people were coupled. I was the only person ALONE and that served to make me feel melancholy. And I simply do not like feeling that way.

After dinner, but before the movie started, I walked through the shopping area that I was in. So many people walking around and enjoying the pleasant late summer evening. Mostly couples were walking around....hand-in-hand.

I probably would have been better off to have come straight home and just gone to bed.

It's terrible being so lonely.

Tomorrow is my day trip. It's a very early day.....so I need to sleep. Perhaps I'll get a clue of some type from Mr. Office that will tell me one way or the other if there is something happening between us.

I really think there isn't, but then, what do I know?

And Now, Let's Discuss Something Else

Enough already about my BIG crushes, and the longing to love someone.

It's time to focus on something else.

I have a very busy Saturday planned. So, tomorrow morning it is "up early"....and a quick day trip with Mr. Office. I've got to get him moving super early so that I can return for an afternoon party that I have been invited to. He's going to be busy as well. So this works out pretty good. We're planning a hiking trip...and so it should be a good day to just talk...one-on-one. Perhaps I'll get a signal on how he is thinking.

Laura, (#2), has booked a concert locally for the end of August. So, I'm going to get the opportunity to see her perform, alone, live for a change. She'll get to be home here for 3-4 days. Oh....I can't wait.

Love has gotten wind of all this, and of course she's begun trying to monopolize all of Laura's time while she is here. The latest email I received from her, I promptly passed along to Laura, so that she could help me decide how to respond. She's planning to have tons of relatives there.....a virtual family reunion. Laura doesn't want that. So, I'm just keeping a low profile in this drama.

YIKES.

Off to my office I go! It's FRIDAY!

Make That SUPER SIZE!

Well, I saw the man at the office whose name is the same as my boss' yesterday! I haven't seen him all summer.

He saw me approaching from way down at the other end of the hallway.....and his smile nearly blinded me. He waved from a long way off and as he got close, he stopped to say hello. Gosh it is always so good to see him. If he only knew what his smile.....his friendliness......does for me!

Right now, in my little life, I have four SUPER SIZED crushes on four different men. If you add the man with the same name as my boss, I suppose the number grows to five!

Now, don't get the wrong idea. I don't look at these men as conquests to become notches on the proverbial bedpost. I just have undying love for each of them......and if any one of them were to say......"Hey, Frank! You wanna spend some time with me? You wanna go on a date?" I would melt dead away.

I guess, for me, the most difficult part now of being a gay, older, divorced man, is that the market for such beings is very small. After all the gay world is not that big....so the pool of potential boyfriends is small to start out with. Coupled with the fact that the majority of the "pool" is interested in young, buff, pornstar quality men, this greatly limits the pool further.

So, here Frank sits with his thoughts of quiet longing and those SUPER SIZED CRUSHES.

Mr. Office is still around and generates many mixed signals. I suspect there isn't any real interest there.....other than he is a good guy with a good heart.....who enjoys people. He and I are planning a day trip this weekend....so we'll see how it all goes.

Mr. Man on a mission, is a great source of eye candy. He meets all the qualifications contained on the secret list of qualifications for a mate that I carry in my wallet. He's single.....and he's a friend of mine.....and he has his life all mapped out. He's a lot younger than me and is totally entitled and deserves someone closer to his age.....and ***sigh*** he does have what it takes to have any man he wants. He has the pornstar looks.....young and buff. **SIGH**

Another of my crushes is someone who I have known now for about two years....I've loved him from afar....but he is so occupied....and in all actuality he and I are very different creatures. There are some similarities.....such as our mutual anal retentiveness......that would drive each of us crazy if we were to connect. But, you know, I suspect that if things were different....and he were truly available and made the first move, I'd be williing to give it a try.

Finally, the last of my crushes is married.....to a woman. He knows that I am gay and he identifies as being gay as well. He is eight years older than me..... Need I say more? We've talked and he likes being with me.....but he isn't going to leave his wife and children.

So, I can't help but wonder.....here I am.....available. My crushes all know that I'm here.... Besides Mr. Office, there have been no real "mixed signals" or heck any real signals to indicate any mutual interest. They are all friendly.....loving......and affectionate with me. But we're friends.

I say nothing for fear of making the friendships weird.

Besides, why do I always have to be the first to say something or initiate.

Trying Times

A gay couple that I have become quite close two broke up this past Sunday. The partner who initiated the breakup had apparently been planning to do this for quite sometime. So, in essence, there is an element of deception at work because he has already made plans to move in with a "crush" -- someone that he has known for quite sometime.

The surviving partner was devestated by the news...and is now working to cope with his loss.

WOW, it brings back memories of the stuff I had to endure with Lovey. At least with her there was no third party working in the background, at least from what I can see or know about, that she wound up moving in with! (However, I suspect there was someone who was giving her advice and counsel....and I even know who that person is...)

It's been amazing to me to see this breakup.....and to share with the surviving partner little pearls of wisdom that I learned during my very sad time. What strikes me the most starkly is the fact that, yes, through that painful period....AND GOD KNOWS THAT ALL OF YOU WALKED A PORTION OF THAT JOURNEY WITH ME.......I did learn quite a bit.

So, it only makes sense to pass it along, as needed to other traveling a similar path.

He voiced feelings of aloneness....of profound sadness......of not being able to trust someone else ever........ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

The human mind and heart are so resilient in times of hurt or devestation. One can bounce back so quickly. You just have to embrace the hurt.....not be destroyed by it......work through it......don't give up......and sooner or later you find that your life begins to come back.

At least this is what I have found.

Live comes back in a very sweet and positive way!

Today Is a BIG Day!

Today is a big deal.

My mom and dad got married 54 years ago today!

That is more than double the amount of time I was married to Lovey.

I can’t even begin to comprehend what that must be like. To be hooked up with one person for that period of time.

It is simply amazing!

Happy Anniversary folks! I love you dearly!


I was busy all weekend long. I was off yesterday too. So, I wasn’t able to devote any time to writing anything here.

The weekend was busy because I spent it with many different friends at differing times….but enjoying the weather….the company….laughing…..talking and eating.

I was also able to get rid of ton of stuff out of my house for the church yard sale. They made close to $2,000. I think this is great.

On Saturday I spent the time touring the Civil War battlefields and also went to Monticello near Charlottesville. Then had dinner there, got home very late…. Arose early the next morning, and taught my Sunday School Class….had lunch with friends from church, went home for a two hour nap. Then my friends called again, for a nice late afternoon visit to Georgetown in DC….and then I went to dinner again.

Yesterday I spent the day trying to get recovered from everything I did over the weekend and do some much needed laundry!

In the midst of all that, yet another friend invited me to go with him to a Neil Diamond concert at the Verizon Center in DC tonight. So we are going to have dinner first…and then head over there!

Amazing huh?

I’m still feeling pretty good by getting to spend so much time with people I care for.

I think this is what life is meant to be all about.

Another Early Morning...

It's four something in the morning....and here I sit wide awake.. For whatever reason, I couldn't sleep very well last night, although I am exhausted from a grueling day yesterday. It just seems at times that I am on a treadmill and that just never stops.

And, on top of everything else, last night I had a case of sadness.

Yeah, I know.

It's really kind of silly.

But, I suppose overall I'm doing much, much better. These bouts of sadness happen less and less. But when an occasional one happens, it's just not fun.

I don't know what triggered it other than the fact that I miss having someone here in the house with me. I do have the dog....and I do have tons and tons of friends now. But what I really am beginning to need is to have someone special in my life that I can look forward to spending quality time with.

I won't go into all THAT again. We've been down this road before -- many times.

But last night, that was my unfulfilled need.

And I didn't sleep.

I was restless.

Every sound made me stir.

So here I am.

Dinner With A Friend

Well, I was finally able to have dinner with my church friend last night. It was a very enjoyable way to end my hectic day. It was also a pleasure to get to know him a bit better.

He is an attractive, well-built young man who is 30 years old. He spoke of all he wanted to do in life. He is also gay.

I marvel at all the young men and of course women, today who just seem so together. The gay thing has not inhibited them in any way. They're happily well adjusted. They know who they are. They also aren't afraid to just be themselves.

In this one's case, he keeps a very active schedule.....he's going to school....he works ful time and is thinking of switching to a new job -- interview was yesterday and it looks good ---he loves to run marathons -- he works out (and has a killer body as a result).....he's very attractive.

I told him that he literally has the world by the tail. He can write his own ticket and be whatever he wants to be.

If only I had been as blessed in my early years.

But then, I wouldn't have maybe had the children I do.....and the learning experiences I have had.

But it's neat that he's in my life.....and it blesses me to hear of how he's doing.

I Can't Get Over This...

When you’re like me, an adult male who has been to hell and back…..who grew up as a very lonely only child…..and you limited yourself rather starkly because of your internalized homophobia….it’s really quite a milestone to reach where I now am with a host of friends, a loving and supportive family (parents and children), and people who genuinely seem to enjoy my company.

Let me share some vignettes:

First, there’s my friends who invited me to go to Myrtle Beach with them. They were instrumental in getting me grounded in my church when I first started going. One of them in particular saw backward, shy, me on that first Sunday and said, “Hey, we have a group that goes out for lunch every Sunday after church. Wanna come?”

So, here I am a year and a half later…still recovering from the glorious trip I had with them.

This vacation was the best I’ve ever had.

Second, when I showed up at church this past Sunday, after having been away from it for two weeks, I found out that I was going to get a “Pie In The Eye”….it’s a big fundraiser. The three highest who have collected the most money…..and the three lowest without money in their jars get a pie in the face. Folks without money in their jars are auctioned to the highest bidder….so since I was at the very bottom….I had to endure an auction. In the end, I got socked with a chocolate cream pie… There I stood with my starched, favorite, yellow shirt….dress slacks…..and perfectly coiffed hair. Chocolate and whipped cream up my nose…in my ears……..down my neck….

Everyone got a great laugh…including me. As I was cleaning up, one of the other church members said, “This should tell you how much you’re really loved by these people, here.” And it did.

Third, when I got back from the beach this past Saturday, I was totally inundated with telephone calls from my pals from across the region…and across the country. Everyone wanting to know if I had a good time……what was it like……was the weather good…..was I in good spirits.

Fourth, another of my friends at church invited me to dinner this week to celebrate my birthday belatedly. So I said yes….and we’re going this evening to one of my favorite restaurants.

Fifth, still another of my friends invited me to dinner last night….and an evening of “Hearts”, a card game….and while we played…there was talk of yet another beach trip…this time to Delaware following Labor Day.
So, in addition to the usual suspects that I love dearly, my universe of friends continues to grow.

It almost seems to be a never ending stream of new people coming into my life. All I do is just allow myself to be me….and to be friendly…….and to be loving…..and then they are cemented into my life.

And, there is a new wrinkle….with my friends that I went to the beach with. Both of them have decided that I need a boyfriend. I like to kid them and do my best Oprah imitation by saying, I want a “HUZZZZZZBUNNNNNDDDDD.” They laugh at me. But now they are on a matchmaking quest…..and are fixing me up with a gentleman who is slightly older than me…..quite wealthy……and he’s looking for a partner.

I’m not sure what I think about all this.

But I told them that I am open to meeting the person….and sharing a meal. So we’ll see.

So, if my pals want to start matchmaking….I guess I’m okay with that. After all…my own efforts appear to be failing miserably because men aren’t exactly lined up at my door wanting to date me!

Mr. Office has been a bit quiet the last few days. I’ve stuck to my guns and haven’t tried to contact him. Although on Monday we did have a very close encounter….. Again, filled with plenty of mixed signals… BUT…in my mind, if he were truly interested, wouldn’t he make his intentions known, beyond question or interpretation?

Or am I expecting too much?

In any event, I do not have my hopes elevated.

The Verdict Is In...

Laura had her audition for American Idol.

They said they would "pass."

No words of encouragement like...."You did good"....or "You sucked."

Just a simple, "We'll pass."

Laura is stil encouraged about the experience....and is confident she will make it the old fashioned way.

I believe she's got it.

Take a listen at : www.myspace.com/lauravancemusic

Post your thoughts.

Wonders Just Never Cease...

Although it has been hard.....I've not had any communication with "him." Well, let me back up...

As of the last writing, I had not had any communication with him. However, after I had finished my post last night, I happened to be going through my mail and getting caught up.....and there was a letter from "him." He missed me and just wanted me to know that he had been thinking about me....and that he hoped I had had a wonderful time on my vacation.

It made me happy.

Beyond words happy.

I can hardly contain it all.

We then communicated just now. He contacted me. There was a warm familiarity with him.......just the sound of that wonderful voice set my heart aflutter.

I could hardly contain my glee.

What else can I say?

I've got it bad for "him"....

Could it be that he is the "one" that I have hoped and prayed for so long???

I'm Back!

No, I've not fallen off the face of the earth!

I've just returned from a full week in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina with a gay male couple who have become very dear friends of mine. It was nice to get away....and to explore a place where I have not been in 35 years! I took loads and loads of pictures!

I found the beach that I played at all those years ago.....the hotel we stayed in.....the roller coaster that fascinated me.......and so many other sites and sounds and smells. It was wonderful.

We stayed at a high rise condo right on the beach.....we were on the 15th floor and had a balcony that faced the Atlantic Ocean. What a stupendous view....

I was able to pray.....and to meditate.....and to think on things. It helped to center me....and to bring a whole lot of focuse to my life.

Although there is a tremendous need deep inside of me that longs to have a boyfriend.....a fulltime one......one that is monogamous......and well adjusted.....drama free..... And, yes, even though I think I have found the prime candidate....at the office, I can't say for sure that it really is going to work.

I've received so many mixed signals from him.... I just can't get a handle on it to actually know what it is he is trying to convey. While I was gone, I got three messages from him....all brief.....none very confirming.....just "Hi....hope you're getting rest.....blah...blah" kinds of notes.

So, I have arrived at a conclusion.

Why do I have to be the one always initiating some sort of romantic entanglement with someone? For once, why can't it emanate from the other side of things? If the man is truly interested in me...then he's going to have to let me know.

I'm tired of the games....and trying to figure out what's going on.

It's silly.

So, instead of making up excuses to drop by his office...or to call or to email......I'm just going to let it be.

Let's see what happens.

I'm not really expecting a lot......

Something Is Happening

I was quite busy this morning doing the normal ritual of getting ready to come to the office. I awoke -- feeling like a million bucks. My dog began dancing which told me that he needed to go outside. So I trudged down the steps to my front door and let him out into the front yard where he did his business.

I let him back in and hurried down the steps to put in one load of white laundry.

I then ran back up the steps...turned on the shower and worked to wake myself up. I jumped out of the shower and began to shave.

Then I saw it.

My face.

Something is very different about me.

I stood and looked.....and looked.

I don't know what the difference is.

But there is one.

Is it age?

Am I seeing the signs of maturity.

Is it because I've become more relaxed than ever?

Is it because I'm happy?

I dunno....

But there is certainly a difference.

A really big one!

The Clock Continues To Tick...

Just got off the telephone with my little girl. The excitement is beginning to set in for her audition for American Idol scheduled for Monday.

My goodness.

I want this so bad for her....because this is HER DREAM to perform.

It's what she went to school for.

She auditioned at a very prestigious music school in Nashville....got in....graduated with honors....and here she is. She is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready.

All she needs is a little "umph"....to push her into the spotlight and to let other people hear her -- important people -- people with influence -- the gatekeepers of the music industry.

Oh goodness....she just has to get in!

Help me pray! Then when she makes it.....VOTE FOR HER!

A Word From My Co-Worker

Finally heard from "him"...

Things still seem fine...but the way things are going for his schedule and mine, we both agreed that it wouldn't be advantageous for us to get together for dinner until sometime after I return from vacation....which begins on Saturday.

So, I guess we'll see.

I've talked to my mother about this one..... She agrees that I should just take each day as it comes and see how all things play out. She understands my frustrations.....my longings......and all about the secret crushes I have had along the way....but she is hopeful that this one may be a little different. After all, we come from similar backgrounds.....similar ages......work for the same agency....with a similar focus......and we're both gay.....and apparently "available."

So, stay tuned everyone.... I'm just enjoying the fact that I'm having very normal feelings and normal longings.....all for a hot, red-blooded, American, gay male!

AMERICAN IDOL: Here She Comes!

Okay everyone....you gotta help me think positive thoughts.....and you gotta whisper a prayer (if you believe in such things) for #2 on Monday, July 21, 2008.

Why? You may ask...

Well, my daughter, #2, is gonna be doing what she has to do in order to audition for AMERICAN IDOL Season 8!

Yup, I finally talked her in to driving from Nashville to Louisville, KY to audition for this year. She's got the goods. All she needs is an opportunity for folks to hear her. So, I pray that all goes well and that she can at least get an audition.

One drawback is that she has a gig on Saturday. Registration is Saturday and Sunday. So, she won't be able to get her registration materials until sometime on Sunday. Then, she has to get to the venue at some god-awful time on Monday in hopes of having an audition.

So, help me pray....that this opportunity opens up for her.

Check her out on My Space at http://www.myspace.com/lauravancemusic

A Tiring Day...

Today has been seriously busy...nonstop from the moment I came in.

I'm not really complaining, because I enjoy working....and keeping busy. It keeps my mind from wandering....into areas that have been known to trigger sadness....or even depression.

So, I'm staying occupied.

And dreaming of next week when I'm gone on vacation. I'm off to the beach with a gay male couple that I know from church and we're planning a VERY fun time! The resort is swanky, and I haven't been to this particular beach in 35 years. I'm excited about exploring some of the haunts I used to go to as a child. I hear that they are still in existence....so I guess I'm gonna learn about what changes happen over the course of 35 - 40 years!

When I think about it....the last time I was at this beach, I was a heck of a lot younger.... Puberty had just hit and I was all awash in male hormones. I knew that I was gay back then.....but I didn't know how to deal with it.

Now all these years and life experiences later.....I still know that I am gay.....the hormones ebb and flow.......and at times, I still don't know how to deal with it.

I have this fantasy. That one day.....some guy that has been in my life as a friend.....will suddenly wake up.......take me for a romantic walk.......or take me to a romantic dinner.......and then confess that he has deeper feelings for me than he has ever dared to share with me.

And then I melt!

Then we live happily ever after...

Isn't that silly?

I have no idea who this man is mind you..... It wouldn't take long to come up with a list of potential candidates. There's always the mystery man at church that I lhave enjoyed from afar for so very long........or the guy I work with that likes to email me.......who seems to want to do something soon...... The other guys on my list though are living thousands of miles away......or are married or are partnered already......or some combination of the three.

A good friend of mine wrote me a very sweet note today. He ended his note with: "You have friends and family who care about you and you are so genuine that I truly believe good things lie ahead for you."

I know that I do.

But sometimes I get so anxious......and want someone in my life so very badly........I forget.

Oh well....the journey continues.

Sunday Night

It's getting late and I'm ready to turn in for the night, but it has been a great weekend.

My friend from Massachusetts and I had a good time. We went to Dupont Circle on Friday Night...and he got to see things that he hasn't experienced. On Saturday we took the boat ride from Washington to Mount Vernon...and went to a gay bar in Arlington, VA afterwards.

Today, though, he said was the highlight of his trip. He went to church with me and found it to be a safe and loving experience. He is now going to look for a similar congregation near his house.

I hope he is successful, because he really wants to experience what he did this weekend on a more regular basis.

His visit was certainly a tale of how my friendships have been built over time since the separation. I reached out to make friends and expanded beyond my comfort zone, and look at what happened. I have been given so many new friend....and refreshed old friendships. I'm experiencing healthy relationships...male friendships without worry about jumping between the sheets. It just doesn't seem important.

It's amazing.

I am so thankful to have these men in my life.

I am blessed beyond words.

A Busy Friday

This week has been unusually busy on the work front.....and today has been no different. I just now had a few moments and thought I would draft a quick note to all of you.

Thanks to Rick for the reality check on the last post. I was allowing my imagination to conjure up all kinds of scenarios in my mind. When that happens....and when reality clashes with what you have fantasized, immediately you transfer your disappointment to instant self-loathing which, especially in my case, is totally inappropriate. I'm not a bad guy....and if I really don't float the boat of my mystery man here, well then, I'm sure that there will be someone out there for me sometime.

I just need to relax...and enjoy the journey. I have to stop trying to drive the bus.

Last night was an interesting evening.

I was in a foul mood by the time I got home. And I'm not sure why that was. I talked to my mom and told her what I had been saying to some of my other family members. Mother was actually proud of me.

"I worry about you sometimes," she said. "You're just too kind. I'm glad that you let people know what your limits are...it means you have them."

Yeah, I suppose I do keep things in check a lot.

I'm not sure what made me so angry last night...but I was on a roll. I said to one person that I was tired of getting used and taken advantage of. On top of that, I said that I was also tired of being served as leftovers. "I'm FIRST CUT!"

On another front, I have a dear friend from Boston coming down to spend the weekend with me. He's been married for about 20 years, has two kids, and he's gay. He and his wife just separated...and he doesn't know what he is going to do. Part of him wants to be out of the marriage....and the other part wants to stay...just out of sheer comfort. His wife wants him to stay.

So, he's coming down here to relax....and see the sights. I'm taking him on the boat ride down the Potomac to Mt. Vernon tomorrow. Sunday he is going with me to church. Then he goes back home on Sunday afternoon.

Weather-wise, this weekend should be GREAT!

Silence!

I've been so very busy today that I have not had two seconds to myself. BUT...I have been monitoring my cell phone and email to see if the MYSTERY MAN called or wrote.

He certainly didn't drop by the office today.

But, he does seem to prefer to communicate electronically...which is fine. My only concern is that I haven't heard anything from him today.

It makes me wonder if maybe I said too much yesterday and perhaps scared him off.

In any event...it certainly has been fun...to think about the possibilities...and playing little scenarios in my mind -- of how I'd like for feelings to surface....and to be discussed....

Wondering how my kids would respond to him.

Wondering how my parents would respond to him.

Wondering how my friends at church would respond to him.

Wondering how my other relatives would respond to him.

Then I realized something kind of profound. There are no hard and fast rules for gay relationships. We don't have role models. I mean, in the straight world generally the man and woman date.....and then grow serious.....and then become engaged......and get married.

How does all this work for two gay guys with their own houses and careers? At what point does a relationship begin.....and then the dating......and does that mean it's time to move in together.....and have a commitment ceremony.

Gosh, I don't even know if I even want to go that far.

So, here I am with all these thoughts and concerns....and I haven't heard from this man all day. I really have no concrete evidence that he is even giving me second thoughts "that way" other than my gut feeling.

After spending some significant time with him, I should get an idea.....

I've got to be prepared for acceptance or rejection.

The Mystery Man Responds

Well, who knew?

My mystery man sent me two emails today! The first responded to my invitation to share a meal..... He seems excited...and then expanded it to a movie or something else fun here in the area.

I said that I was open to that..... (I then decided to go out on a limb to invite him on a day trip on a Saturday to some places several hours away.)

Almost immediately he responded and said YES!

So, it's just a matter of us comparing schedules and nailing down a firm date for the weekend excursion.

The dinner thingy is sometime before I go on vacation a week from this Saturday.

A wonderful friend of mine says that from the email traffic (I showed it all to him.) it appears that this man is "very interested in getting together with you. I think you'll have a better idea after a night out with just him as to his overall sentiment. However, I really do feel that he likes you..."

If anything does come of this.....I will let all of you know more about him......and introduce you to him. If that happens....you'll know it's for real...

WHEW!

I need to go breathe now.

A Very Long Day At The Office

I'm still at the office.

I'm winding down after a very long day.

Things have been fairly uneventful. Just keeping the paper moving....and trying to help the people who work for me encouraged and motivated to do a good job.

I was a bit surprised this morning to have received an email from someone yesterday (my off day)....here at the office. I didn't read it until today. This someone is somebody that I could very easily fall for.....hook, line, and sinker. He's attractive.....he's a professional..... and he's someone that would be perfect on so many levels...loving.....gregarious.....gentle..... WOW!

Could this be the one I have dreamed about and longed for? The one that won't treat me like leftovers.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into this very innocent email. Still, he took the time to write a few little personal comments that made me feel special...very special. We've spent some time together....shared some meals together.....talked....and laughed. He closed the email by saying that he is looking forward to seeing me again.

So, who knows? (Yes, he confirmed that he is in fact, gay!)

I responded....reservedly to let him know that it was so good to hear from him.....and how pleased I was. (Translated....I'm not desperate.) I invited him to dinner soon -- away from the office and time constraints...in a friendly...non lecherous sort of way as a friend. He stays so busy....and at this point I'm not going to call...or to badger. I'm just going to let this play out....and see where it leads.

This one dropped totally out of nowhere!

My fingers and toes are crossed.....

Could my search be over? Am I ready for a special relationship?

I just don't know. I've met some awfully nice men here recently.... But they are all either partnered already, unhappily married to a woman, or live hundreds of miles away and are a combination of the other two. This is the first actually self-identified, GAY and SINGLE man that I have had the pleasure to get to know.

We'll see.

**GULP**

I'm Now A Great Uncle!

This afternoon at 1:30 p.m. I became a great uncle for the very first time. Bryce Adeline Colton was born in Loudon County, VA. She was seven pounds, seven ounces and was 20 inches long.

I went to see her this evening....and she is simply beautiful.

Gosh, it makes one feel old to be someone's Great Uncle!

BIG NEWS!

Gosh, in all my whining, I forgot to share with you some very important news and this is a BIG deal!

Saturday morning, first thing, I had a doctor's appointment. It's not one of my favorite things, but nonetheless....because of my diabetes, I must go. Usually a couple of days beforehand I have labwork done so that the doctor can see how my kidneys are functioning....and due to all the medications I'm on that can affect the liver, she wants to always see how it's doing. On top of this, she always checks my sugars...to see how they're being managed.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

She burst into the examination room to announce that my sugars, for the first time in 15 years, are in the NORMAL range! On top of this, the kidneys are fine....and the liver is fantastic. Finally, the old blood pressure was okay.

Yes, it looks like I'm gonna live!

***APPLAUSE*******

Seriously folks, I'm amazed at how my body has behaved during the stressful time of the final years of the marriage. It felt at times like my body was falling apart. But from the moment of my separation from Lovey, the numbers have been improving....slowly..... and now this!

I am so thankful.

The doctor says that the best revenge that I can have toward the X is to do well....and to be happy.....and to live a long, prosperous and healthy life. (She knows that Lovey always harped about how I never took care of myself....and that I was gonna have a stroke, etc.) Gosh, I want to show her.

Had to share this with you.....thanks for all your kind thoughts and words...

It's Monday...

It's Monday morning, and thankfully I have today off. I loved this lon weekend because it has given me the opportunity to clean the house from where my son had visited. His garbage was all over the place. I hate cleaning up his mess. Next time, I'm establishing ground rules for him to follow....like making sure that his trash goes where it should and not under or behind furniture.

Last night I did something I have never done before. I suppose it's a sign that I'm learning to live again, by myself and without any outside help or interference. As I said in yesterday's post, I have been suffering from a case of the blues since Saturday and my trip to the cemetery. I went to church and spent time with my church friends yesterday. In the evening, I felt like I was smothering from that cloud that hovered over me. That deep longing to be with someone special....to love them....and to be loved by them proved to be just too much for me.

So, I looked online and got the times for the showing of SEX AND THE CITY.

I"ve been trying to get some of my friends to go with me....but they all wrinkle up their noses and say, "Chick flick."

Well, I got myself together and went to the 6:45 p.m. showing. There I sat in the dark, enjoying my popcorn and enjoying myself--being with me. I laughed. I giggled. I chortled. I enjoyed the eye candy in the film.

It was awesome.

I was out of the movie by a little after 9:00 p.m. and decided to walk across the shopping center to a favorite restaurant of mine. I ordered a salad....and sat there.....pondering my life....and watching an attractive gay couple share their meal.

"One day," i told myself. "That's gonna be you...."

That Ache (Again!)

This post is going to cover some familiar territory....but since this is my story....I've committed to share my life as it flows... Sadly, sometimes there are repeats.

I was out and about on Saturday afternoon and decided to visit a couple of graves of some very old friends I had about 20 years ago. The cemetery where they are is lovely and peaceful place....just off a major thoroughfare in the heart of Alexandria. I took my time and walked around.

To be honest, I hadn't spent a lot of time at this cemetery, but since explorin graveyards is a hobby of mine, I had a good time. Now before you get the idea that I'm strange or something, rest assured that I find funerary art to be quite interesting, and reading epitaphs on the various stones from many years ago is liking glimpsing someone's home page.

So, as I walk and look....I love to meditate.

Walking through this particular cemetery, I found myself noticing the number of double graves.....generally a man and a woman...side by side. Occasionally you find a two men together....or two women together. Then, there are those lonely solitary graves.

It struck me...that when I die, at the rate I'm going, I will have no one next to me. After all, I have no one next to me in life now. Why should death be any different?

So, such thoughts gave me the blues. AND...I've had them all day. That horrible ache is still here. The ache to love someone.....the ache to have a companion......the ache to feel whole.

Yup.....it is a dull ache.....that just seems to hover over me.

Day and night.

YUCK.

A Fun Evening

Spent yesterday evening with my gay buds from church. We had a cookout, but due to the rain, we stayed inside and feasted on hamburgers, hotdogs, potato salad, macaroni salad, seven-layer salad, chips, salsa, soda, and for desert we had fresh strawberries on an angel food cake with whip cream.

All very tasty.

We then went our separate ways to watch various fireworks displays. I drove home to watch the Capital 4th on PBS. Since we had seen the rehearsal of that performance the night before down on the national mall, I wanted to see how it differed from the final. It was really good and was shown in high definition.

This morning I have a doctor's appointment and then I return home to continue cleaning this pig sty. ICK.

Hopefully it will all be quiet.

It's Independence Day!

This is Independence Day!

Yup...it's when we celebrate the day that we became independent from England's rule in 1776. It is quite an amazing legacy...

So, as my clothes wash....and I'm doing home chores, I'm sitting here contemplating the whole concept of independence.

As a single gay man, just exactly what day should I use as my "Independence Day?"

Would it be June 9, 2005? After all, that is the day that Lovey separated from me. Although, at the time, I was devestate and felt I could not manage to go forward....I was an independent entity. I didn't know what all that meant, or even if I could function independently...but nonetheless, I was.

Would it be June 20, 2006? That's the day Lovey loaded up her moving van, took all the furniture, and vacated the premises. I was left alone....with my dog and #1 to pick up the pieces and figure out what the next move would be. I remember being so afraid of trying to decorate my house. All my esteem was gone and the years of being told that I had no taste or no sense of color left me as a wreck.

Would it be March 15, 2007? That's the day Lovey and I finally had a separation agreement that was legal and signed. It instituted alimony....and told us that we could behave as "unmarried" people....see people....whatever. That signed document really affected me at the time. It made things concrete...and yes it was all really happening.

Would it be May 29, 2007? That's the day that the divorce became final! How I mourned. It devestated me.

Hmmm....it's now July 4, 2008 and anyway you look at it, I am independent of Lovey and her illustrious family.

It's finally okay!

I am well and happy.

And the thing that I have found that makes it best is the fact that I have a host of wonderful friends that love and care about me. We care for each other. It's not anything we have to earn...it just happens. AND...my sphere of friends continue to expand....and more are welcomed into my midst. I've learned the art of friendship....and it's coming more and more naturally to me.

I'm just sorry I didn't practice this art during the 25.5 years with Lovey.

So, it's Independence Day! Regardless of when I became independent, it's a good day.

And I'm happy to be here!

Stay safe all!

The Day Before a Holiday!

Here I sit in the early morning....waiting for the shirt that I plan on wearing to dewrinkle in the dryer. It has been a wonderful few days and I pray that they continue on.

Since I got my med imbalance straightened out, I feel absolutely fabulous! I have energy and just have an overall sense of wellbeing.

Tonight is the rehearsal for the wonderful 4th of July celebration on the mall in DC that is televised tomorrow night. I'm going with several of my gay friends to park on the lawn and watch the run through. It should be a pleasant evening and I look forwrd to spending time with my buds.

The rest of the weekend is going to be very quiet. I'm working on cleaning the house and getting rid of some junk since I'm having a house guest next Friday for the weekend. We've got several things planned and it will be nice having him around.

I've got massive amounts of laundry to do, including bed linens, towels, my clothes, undies, etc. So, I won't be lacking for a lot to do.

I do plan to write here, so in your holiday festivities, don't forget to check here.

Happy Independence Day!

A Note From Lovey!

"Frank - Do you have time to check out flights for #1 from El Salvador for a Thanksgiving trip? I'm hoping to be home for Thanksgiving, but it probably won't be until the day of -- Thursday. I don't know your plans right now, but I'm guessing you'd like to go with her to WV if possible, and that makes sense so that she can see her grandparents. I might be willing to joing you there IF your folks and you were okay with it. If that doesn't work out, I'd like to have her for a couple of days at my house if she is up to it.

Just trying to think ahead.

Also, I'll be having to videotape my sermons for ordination. I'll now more later. I hope to do the required sermon over the next few months -- possibly August, September and October (if I'm not happy with one of the other two). Would you be interested in doing the taping for me?

Blessings,
LOVEY"

A "Near Miss!"

Well, the stomach thing has passed and so has the sleeplessness.

Both were connected to the fact that I had gone without my thyroid meds for a couple of days…. I felt “ooky.”

Never again will I go without those meds….no matter how inconvenient…or that I feel that “I can do without” for a day or so.

Forget it!

It was awful.

Thankfully I’m now back on track and feeling wonderfully well.

On top of all this I think I have just had a near miss in the love department. Yup….spent some time with a guy who is about 5 years older than me last week. Of course, me being the slow to react kind of person that I am, I played down my attraction to him…..and just followed what some of you have told me to do over time: just be myself….and let the true, caring, loving and gentle Frank show through.

So, I did.

He and I spent a significant hunk of time together. Near the end of his visit he mentioned that he owns a cabin near a resort area about 4 hours away. Would I be interested in going on an overnight there with him sometime?

I looked at him and smiled.

“Sure, “ I said. “I’d love to go.”

Last night he tried calling me a couple of times at home...and left a message. (I was out helping my new Associate Pastor move into his new place.) He also tried my cell phone! The message on my home number that asked I call him on his cell anytime today.

So, I did. We chatted for a while. Near the end of the conversation he said, “Frank, I have to tell you that I really do enjoy you. You’re everything I’ve been looking for. BUT….”

I always hate the “buts”….sometimes they are just breathtaking…. You get zinged…and feel your heart drop through the floor….

This time it wasn’t so bad….

“But….” He continued, “You and I live two hours apart and this is my only concern!”

I answered with a chuckle, “Ah….this is just the story of my life. I always seem to stir the interest of people billions of miles away, or they are married……or they are partnered!”

“Well, if you’d like to get together and we can see how this goes, I’m open,” he said. “I’d still like for you to see my cabin.”

“Great!” I said. “Just let me know what works for you….I’m pretty flexible.”

So, I guess this is a “near miss.”

Back in the Groove ...I guess

Well, this is the beginning of my second week back from my trips. I'm still not in what I would consider to be "The Groove." My stomach has been a mess and I have been having trouble sleeping. Every noise.....the a/c kicking on.....car doors slamming.......the dog snoring......all have awakened me at various hours throughout the night. By the arrival of dawn...I feel like I've been run over by a fleet of dump trucks and a couple of freight trains.

Such is my life.

I have had a lot on my mind.

Still working to figure out more about who I am.

Trying to determine my next move in terms of relationships....am I relationship material?

I swear, with the failed marriage in my background I don't feel like I'm too good at love. It feels like even though I have a tremendous capacity for love....it hasn't served me too well. At least in a relationship with a woman, that is.

Although I picture life with a man to be a vast improvement...I know that some issues carry over. So, will I make some guy a great life partner?

I'd like to think so.

However, in the back of my mind, I'm afraid.

Very afraid.

I'm afraid to open up and let the men in my life know how I feel.

I'm afraid to trust.

I'm afraid to be vulnerable.

AH....so much to think about and I'm tired.

Am I Crazy or What?

Normally I am a very conscientious man about all that do. I'm a perfectionist and at times I drive myself crazy in my quest for doing everything well or at least to the best of my abilities.

This transcends every aspect of my life. I've alluded to this in some earlier postings because this is why I had some of the problems with the breakup of the marriage that I had. I didn't just want to have a marriage, but it had to be the perfect one....and I had to be the perfect husband...inspite of the major flaw I have...and that was being a gay man in a straight marriage.

I do not recommend that kind of life for anyone -- no matter what pressures you face or how much you want to "change." It just doesn't work and you will circumvent a lot of pain and suffering if you don't marry in the first place.

But I digress.

My perfection extends to the chore of paying my bills.

Some background:

In the closing years of the marriage, Lovey went through money like water. She would not think twice about going shopping on a given Saturday to the local thrift shop. She'd drag in all manner of junk and sometimes spend to the tune of $500 or more! This was all in the name of finding bargains and "saving money."

She wouldn't consult the balance in the checkbook.

She just expected the money to always be there. (I suppose Jesus was always standing by at the ready to rush to the bank and make a deposit to cover these expenditures....at least in her mind.) In reality, it was me who was always juggling funds....robbing Peter to pay Paul and the 12 Disciples. Then she would nail me for credit card bills.

Throughout the marriage, she never acknowledged the fact that it was she who bounced checks right and left or spent money.....or sank our credit rating.

It was AWFUL!

VERY AWFUL!

I'll never forget just how happy and excited I was the day she was taken off my bank accounts and credit accounts!

I've managed my funds....and not bounced a single check ever since!

I'm meticulous about my bills....and through my hard work, I've worked to improve my credit rating...and to bounce back from the brink of financial ruin.

The divorce was an expensive proposition....the legal bills......buying needed furniture......etc. But it is all coming together...FINALLY.

So imagine my chagrine when I received an automated call from my mortgage company last night informing me that my mortgage payment for June had not yet been received! I panicked.....this couldn't be.

But I hadn't.

I haven't any ideas how I missed it. It totally escapes me.

The month before, I had forgotten my car payment!

The only explanation that I can figure is that these past two months have been very busy with my birthday celebration and the return of my son from Iraq and then turning around and getting him to Ft. Worth!

I guess I was just way too focused on my children....and all my other activities.

I just hope it isn't the onset of Alzheimer's....

I'm Back!

What a trip and busy time!

It certainly was relaxing and quite enjoyable to get to spend some extensive quality time with two of my children and my parents. However, all the good times were tempered by the death of one of my few remaining uncles. Dad took it quite hard...but made it through the wake and funeral.

I've had some adjustment problems here returning to my usual routine. Sleeping at night has been rough...just because for the past eight weeks or so I have had someone here at the house...and now it is empty. I awaken upon hearing every sound. So, I'm somewhat exhausted.

REFLECTIONS

I learned a lot about myself during the trip though.

For a long time now I've mused about having a boyfriend or a partner or ultimately a husband -- someone that I can grow old with and journey through life with. I've focused on the loneliness that I feel and the fact that I had a indelible ache in my heart as a result of the breakup with Lovey.

This trip showed me that I have indeed adjusted quite well to the single life....and that I actually enjoy my alone time -- so much in fact that I now wonder if in fact if I truly am partner or bf material. I found myself to get quite antsy and frustrated when I didn't have time for me. I hope this doesn't come across as selfish. It's not meant to be....but it just seems to be a new characteristic of the man that I now am.

I think that all this has surfaced as a result of the fact that the dust has pretty much settled from the divorce and I am able to concentrate on what my true feelings are without the murkiness inflicted by the separation and divorce....and my overall neediness.

My kids would love for me to settle down and be happy. I guess I just need to know what all that means -- for me. I just want to live quietly.....and happily........go to work......go to church........enjoy my friends........take trips.......pet my dog.....and just be.

Life is so full of twists and turns.

Who knows what type of man I will ultimately become and if indeed I do enter into a committed relationship with someone?

A Death in West Virginia

Josh and I arrived safely in Ft. Worth on Thursday Evening....well really it was in the very wee hours of Friday morning. It took us a very long time for us to find a hotel with any vacancies -- a convention of some type was in town and they took up all the available rooms in close proximity to downtown. It so happened that we wound up a little bit away from downtown in a wonderfully quiet COURTYARD by Marriott not far from the base that my son will be working on.

He checked in and as it turns out, is not required to fully report for duty until Monday morning. In the meantime, he and I have been having a good time just hanging out and exploring his new environs. He's about the age I was when I moved to the DC area...so I can relate quite well with all the stuff he is probably going through emotionally.

Laura, from Nashville, went to see her grandparents in WV this weekend. She arrived on Friday evening and is going to be returning this afternoon. She phoned me yesterday to say that one of my dad's three surviving siblings passed away yesterday...and he is taking it pretty hard.

This was my Uncle John, who had been in pretty poor health for quite sometime. Here recently he's been shuttling between a nursing home and the hospital. In some respects, his passing is probably a relief to all his immediate survivors. His son Johnny died last year. This means that he only has one daughter surviving him. My goodness, my heart goes out to her.

All this leaves me to wonder about whether I need to go to the funeral with my dad. I'd fly home tonight....get in the car tomorrow.....and drive back there....and stay a day or so.

I'm pretty exhausted from having spent so much time on the road this past week. I just need to find out when the arrangements are scheduled.

Goodbye Nashville!

My bags are all packed up. I'm sitting here in the lobby waiting for my son to bring all of us stuff down so that we can load up the car and begin the final leg of our journey to Ft. Worth, TX.

It has been a great trip with the boy so far. Even moreso because I got to spend time with him and his older sister!

Yesterday he and I headed over to The Hermitage, the home of Andrew Jackson. For me, it's always interesting to see these historic sites and get a feel for how people lived in the olden days. (I couldn't have done it -- for sure.)

It was not all stress free though. We met #2 for lunch and during the meal, the two siblings began a very emotionally charged discussion about their mother. To hear them talk made me feel so sad.....and highlighted once more my feelings of sorrow, regret, and yes, failure.

Because the conversation was so volatile, I remained silent. At one point I had to leave the table for the men's room because all the "Lovey" talk made me literally sick to my stomach. I stayed away at least fifteen minutes.....and got myself together.

Why does talk like this upset me so? I can't control how she treats the kids....or how she did in the past and how now they resent her and all that she stands for. The marine doesn't forget much...and he certainly went down the list for his sister. She, as it turns out, has her own lists of things that her mom has done...and she plans to discuss them with her sometime.

It left me wrung out.

Whereas my issues appear to have settled a good deal.....theirs appear to be only now surfacing.

Will this stuff ever end?

Greetings From Nashville, TN

Here I am in Music City, USA. Not much Internet service, but I do have time to draft a quick update.

We got here early evening, after having spent a wonderful weekend with my parents' in Huntington, WV. Daughter #2 joined us when we arrived and we had a splendid dinner at her favorite Mexican restaurant. We then headed to her place to pick up some of her gear and she spent the night at our hotel.

Things surely have changed...and I believe for the better. My son appears to have grown out of a lot of his "issues"...and appears to be settling down into young adulthood. He and his sister spent a lot of time talking....and laughing. I just watched from across the table as they conversed.

It really was quite rewarding.

My son and I have spent a lot of quality time talking about a host of issues. It's the first time I can remember where he has been able to articulate his feelings. This is a very big step.

Today he and I are going to explore Nashville a bit. Then, have lunch with #2 at her office. Then, we're going to explore more...and wait for her to join us after work. We'll leave tomorrow morning for Ft. Worth!

This is turning out to be a WONDERFUL adventure with my kids!

Frank & Josh's Excellent Adventure Begins

Well, it's almost time for me to get into the trusty old car and head to Texas with my son.

I've been looking forward to this trip for as son as he first discussed the possibility of me doing it with him while he was still in Iraq. This means that we will be sleeping in the same room with each other -- eating all our meals together -- and spending several hours per day in the same car together as we travel. It should be fun. But I have kiddingly added: "If we don't kill each other first!"

Hopefully this will give us a chance to tear down some walls that he has erected. Ever since he went through adolescence, he's been distant -- almost aloof in how he handles us, his family. I think it stems back to his childhood which was a very traumatic one. We were his second adopted family. His birth family and his first adopted family were very dysfunctional.....and he was somewhat abused at some of the most critical moments of his life....when he was learning to love and to trust. My family is dysfunctional too....but as I have said here, and also as I have told the marine, "We put the FUN in dysFUNctional!" On top of this we have never been abusive to him.....and everything we have done has been surrounded in love. So, for all of our problems, we did have love for the little guy.

I've already seen new sides of him surfacing -- there's a kindness and softness there that hasn't been there. There's consideration, manners, a "thank you" when you've done something meaningful for him. AND, on top of everything, it was his idea that we go on this trip together.

So we begin tonight....our "EXCELLENT ADVENTURE" from DC to Ft. Worth, Texas.

WOW!

So y'all, I'm not sure what computer access I will have. Therefore, this is going to be my last post officially until I return home on June 22. If I can write while on the road, I will.

Thanks for bearing with me....and remember us in your thoughts and prayers.

Another Really Good Day!

Today was another really great day. I was busy at the office....I love the rush of having lots to do. On top of that, I touched base with my son early in the day. He decided that he would like to join me in the Men's Bible Study that my church sponsors every month. Since he missed church last Sunday, he wanted to say goodbye to some of my friends and thought that the Bible Study would be a great way to do it given the fact that he would be unable to be in church again before we leave on Friday night for Texas and other points West.

He was just so comfortable....and the guys were certainly on their best behaviors. I think my son now understands what great and precious friends these men actually are.


I'm now home.....and tired......and need to get into bed so that I can sleep really well before tomorrow, which promises to be another busy day. Plus tomorrow night, I have to pack and get everything ready for me to go on my trip on Friday!

I'm really looking forward to this time away. I'm excited about spending time with my son.

So, keep me in your prayers!

A Hot Day!

Another scorcher here on the East Coast. We have severe T-storm watches and possibly an isolated tornadic threat until 10pm. Thankfully I have been working inside here at the office and it has been chilly and I've gotten lots done.

As I type this, I'm working late...just trying to get lots done so that when I return from Texas in a couple of week, things won't be as bad.

I've talked with all three of the kids today. They seem quite well and happy. #1 is excited about the refrigerator she was able to purchase with her birthday money I gave her. I actually paid for it, but Lovey came through and reimbursed me for half. Lovey also finally paid me for her half of the tin roof we got for her earlier in the spring.

#2 in Nashville is getting ready to celebrate her birthday. She's surrounding herself with a ton of friends and is planning a good time. I'm excited about getting to spend a little time with her as my son and I pass through Nashville on our way to Texas. Her birthday is this Saturday and I will be getting to Nashville on Monday or Tuesday for a couple of days.

My son is working at getting his car serviced....and his uniforms all prepped for check in on June 21.

So all is well.

I'm enjoying my life.

Today.

Imagine That!

I had a very quiet weekend.....ON PURPOSE. I did a few things around the house. My son was nowhere to be found. So, I just took it easy and enjoyed the solitude.

However, on Sunday afternoon I did receive a call from my best friend. He called to see if I would go with him to his beach house in Wildwood, NJ. So, since I wasn't really doing much of anything, I said, "Sure!" Was able to make last minute arrangements for the dog, threw some items into an overnight bag, and off we went! We got there about 7pm on Sunday....and started washing windows, getting rid of trash, and trying to figure out what needed replacing that would make the house look a little more appealing.

Sunday night late we were able to sneak off to the beach and the boardwalk. I had my trusty digital camera...and was able to get this picture of one of the amusement piers with the famed Wildwood Ferris Wheel.

Monday morning we were up early....continuing with window duty....scrubbing the kitchen counters.....the bathroom....had carpet laid by Home Depot....installed new blinds....cut down the doors in the house so that they would fit nicely over the new carpet without dragging the carpet or picking it.... The realtor arrived and now she's got the house on the market for $319,000, actually a great deal when you consider that the land is worth more...and someone could come and tear down the house and make a palace on the property. I actually fantasized about doing it myself...but...my finances are not THAT settled yet.

At one point I needed a break from the heat. My friend told me to take his air conditioned car and go check out the local lighthouse while the carpet was being installed. He was watching over that and there was nothing really left for me to do, so I jumped at the chance. Again, with my trusty digital camera, I took this picture of it...and of some of the flowers around the place.

The worst thing about all this was the very bad heat. .
The house has no a/c to speak of and AT&T Wireless had a very BIG outage that began at 7:04 a.m. in the northeast down through southern NJ -- right where we were. Phones did not start working until late last night....when we were almost home. Didn't really make it home until early this morning.

So, as soon as I got home, I died. I was so exhausted I could hardly speak.

As I drifted off to sleep I suddenly realized that I had passed yet another anniversary. Three years ago yesterday is when Lovey lowered the boom and said that she wanted a divorce!

I didn't get sad.

I didn't get depressed.

I didn't cry.

I just rolled over, shut my eyes, and I went to sleep.

Imagine that!

Dream on....

Thank you Julie for your insightful comments to my last post. I think you articulated perfectly what I have been feeling since the demise of my marriage. Lots of people have told me that with a long term relationship like what I had with Lovey, there would be a period of mourning akin to that which one goes through when a close relative dies.

I could not agree more.

But, each day does get better.

Now, more than anything, I think when I get sad, I'm mourning the old life -- the old straight appearing one and all the benefits that come along with it.

You feel the acceptance of having the wife, the house, the kids, the cars, the career, the dog....blah...blah.

But when the wife leaves....and you're all alone......even though you have the house, the kids, the cars, the career, the dog.......it feels strange being alone. You feel like only part of a person. The smugness you once had about having a mate....(even though she wasn't perfect....and she wasn't your dream man.....at least you had her.) is gone.

The number one fear I have is growing old alone....dying alone......being alone.

But in all honesty....having my son here has made me question if I really need/want to be someone's life partner. Oh, there are moments when I'd love to have someone around....but gosh, I certainly do enjoy my alone time and of having things where I left them, keeping my house spotless and organized.

The mess that my son has left drives me CRAZY.

So, if this were Frank's world.....and I could have it all the way I wanted it, what would that look like?

Well, a boyfriend might be nice -- one that I could send home from time-to-time. But, what is a boyfriend relationship in the gay world like...really? I dream of having someone totally love me.....not for what they want me to be...but just as I am -- the lines, the sagging belly.....the warts....moles....and all.....

I'd love a guy with little or no issues.....who basically has his act together. I realize that at times I had more issues than TIME and NEWSWEEK put together, but I think I've put the majority of those away.

I'd love faithfulness....someone that is there for me...and puts me first. I crave a relationship where I am not leftovers.....I'm not the "other woman"......or "the other man". I'd love a man on whom I could lean sometimes......where I didn't feel like the dominant one all the time. Someone who could lead and let me follow at times.

I'd love a relationship where the physical aspects are a normal outgrowth of what is going on internally for both parties..... the manifestation of a strong emotional connection. I don't want a relationship that's only motivation is the activities that take place between the sheets......or it stops when the moaning does.

I've seen so much in the gay world that makes me begin to feel that all my aspirations are dreams......and in the real world, they have no basis in fact.

Am I silly?

Are there other men out there like me?

How do you find them?

Then, when you do, how do you pique their interest? How do you make them notice you?

Especially when you're shy....and afraid.

Like me.

A Change of Heart

I survived the dinner last night.

It was colossally stressful….and in the end I am left to wonder why I expended so much time and energy to have it all happen.

I guess as the patriarch of the family….the broken family as we used to call families of divorce back when I was a kid…..I suppose that I am still trying to fix things. I want to see all members of my family get along. I want to heal hurts. I want to take away any pain that anyone feels. Most of all, I don’t want to be the one that engenders the pain.

I loathe controversy or arguments or discomfort and the like.

So, my attempts to build a bridge between Lovey and her son failed.

Miserably.

She’s certainly not going to change.

He’s just as stubborn.

So there they sat on the deck at her mother’s home – Lovey pontificating – the grandmother and aunt spellbound by each word emanating from the mouth of Lovey -- the marine looking on incredulously, periodically rolling his eyes and shaking his head. Lovey oblivious to anyone but herself. And, there was I -- looking on – taking it all in…..

Did I really spend 25.5 years with this woman?

This was why I was so depressed for so long?

I actually mourned the anniversary of the divorce two weeks ago?

What was I thinking?

Uh Oh!

Tonight is the big meal with my former wife, Lovey, her mother, and my son and me.

Spoke with my son early in the afternoon to hear that he had received a wreckless driving ticket for blowing through a red light he says, "he didn't see." He was supposedly so upset by it he told me that he couldn't come to dinner tonight.

I told him my thoughts, including how lame his excuse was.

He stood firm.

I stood firm.

I finally said that he needed to call his grandma and explain why.

The next thing I received was an irate call from his mother stating how busy she was.....and that she had made this time for him.....and that she's got a funeral....and a graduation to go to........as well as to create two bulletins....blah...blah....blah.

She also said this was a trmendous sacrifice for her to come......

And she wanted me to call her son. She'd spoken with him too.

I returned her call....but I said to her that I had heard that she was coming to her mother's and I had planned this as a way for her to get to see him. She thanked me. (So, how come it became a sacrifice for her to come to her mother's......and why did she have to move her schedule all around for "him".....when she had already planned to be at her mom's anyway? Lovey loves martyrdom.)

I called him back andd explained that his mom had gone to extraordinary lengths to be with him this evening. He barked at me and asked me "why do you care about my relationship with mom?"

I answered, "Because she's your mom and I don't want you to get to some place on down the line and you regret not having spent more time with her when you could."

He shut up...and said that he was going to come tonight.

So, maybe I will get to see them together in a rare moment.

My family is so dysfunctional.

Buddy, Can I Borrow Your Ark?

This has to be the wettest spring on record here in the Washington, DC area. Last spring and summer we suffered a horrible drought that had water restrictions in place in some areas, there were tremendous concerns about reservoir levels and the Potomac.

I would certainly hope that all this precipitation has improved the level of the water table drastically.

Yesterday's storms were some of the worst we've ever had, according to weather reports.....heavy wind shear.....lots of rotation.....perhaps even a few tornados.

At approximately 3:30 yesterday afternoon, my son called me at the office to say that we had lost power. I immediately worried about the sump pump at the back door. Back in the Summer of '06, a few days after Lovey left, was when I had the big flood because the sump pump had failed and I had several inches of water covering my rec room floor. It required pumping....cleaning.....and installation of new wall to wall carpet.

Since then, I had a new sump pump installed.......and the drainage system enhanced....and the gutters repaired. So, before the electricity had gone out, the sump pump had drained the pit considerably. On top of this, the water level in the pit seemed to only catch the water that came down the stairs in the normal course of raining.....and the gutters did their job to move the water away from the pit.

Bottom line is that the house stayed dry.

Thank God!

I took my time about coming home last night, because I knew that my son wouldn't be home....he wasn't.

I had a nice dinner at a restaurant......went for a haircut....and by the time I walked into my house around 8pm....the house was still powerless.....and I came in.....took my clothes off....crawled into bed.....and tried to sleep. The bad thing was that the house was stuffy.....no air was moving.....and it was a little warm. So I had trouble sleeping.

The power finally came back on around midnight.

I got to sleep around 1am after I checked everything.

The boy never showed up at home last night.

So, I trust he was alright.

Tonight he and I have been invited to dinner at Mom O'Lovey's house......and of course, Lovey will be there too.

I will probably have lots to tell tomorrow!

Stay tuned.

Happy Pride

Here we are in June again.

Happy Pride to everyone.

ALONE!

It's one of those quiet mornings here at my house. I'm in my favorite room, the rec room, which is located in the basement at the rear of my home. It's quiet....it's far removed from the hustle and bustle outside.....and far away from any other distraction this house might offer when I have guests, like today: my son.

Found out some bad news at the end of the week. My house needs a new chimney and a new roof. So, I had to fork over five grand to get the work started. This is after the workman fixed my gutter problem.....the downspouts had shifted...and the pitch of the gutters was wrong so that water flowed backwards. No wonder every outside door seemed like Niagara Falls as water cascaded over the gutters! Th eworkman also cleaned out all the gutters too.

We had a very bad storm yesterday, and I am pleased to report that they worked like a dream!

I seem to have recovered somewhat from my bout of sadness about the divorce. It was a very black period for me: the spearation and divorce.....and for some reason, I seemed to relive it all this week. And as a result, I was right there....ALONE. Dealing with it all...the sadness.....the loneliness........the feelings of failure.....well, just everything.

Now, in the light of day and an improved mood, I know that I shouldn't feel like a failure or be sad or even be lonely. You see, I have come so very far. I have a host of friends that care about me and love me. I'm far from a failure. I have no reason to be sad. I have my children. I have my dog. I have every material possession that I need and there is room in my budget to buy whatever I want.....if I want it.

So, it is a good place in which I am emotionally.

The only thing that would make it better would be for Mr. Right to come into it.

When it comes to dating and looking for a boyfriend, I get kind of tired sometimes. Every eligible man that appears in my life, I wonder to myself, "Is he the one?" If I'm not careful, I could obsess abou this. So I just need to relax.....breathe in and just enjoy meeting people.

And the crushes.....my God....the crushes. Oh, I have several fantasy boyfriends: there's the man of mystery at my church who is absolutely clueless that I'm into him.........there's the man at my office who has the same name as my boss.......he's clueless.........to name a couple. I have "boyfriends" of all ages.......young.....older..... There's the electrician at the office........there's friend of mine who is married and is an electronics contractor.........there's the unhappily married carpet guy I know..........and then there is the construction guy that had the crush on me........and I was frightened -- probably because I wasn't ready for such an intense relationship. (He's gone now to another area of the country.)

So, the vast majority of these guys have no idea that I am into them. I suppose any one of these could be "the one"....but honestly I am afraid to let them know. I've suffered so much rejection in my life and I've heard it all before........I'm afraid of it happening again.

"Well, thank you Frank. I'm flattered. But, I don't have feelings for you like that."

So, I'm not getting any younger......the pool on which to draw from is small -- the majority of whom are into much, much younger guys.

I have to be prepared to face the fact that the rest of my life could be as it is now....

ALONE.